My day today :)

Where do I even begin? I'm sure my day was pretty tame by gay standards. But for mine it was awesome. Some of you will probably say i should lift my standards after reading, but i think they're fine just where they are.

I have a friend i met on fb. He's not American, but planned on being in the US at the same time as me, so i knew i wanted to meet him. I really really wanted to meet him. We'd been chatting online for months, maybe even a year or more. Anyway he had visited a number of cities on both coasts, but hadn't made it to NY yet. He had something going on back home so he'd have to fly home to sort that out. It was going to be even longer till i get to meet him. Then one night I get a message from him. He'd scheduled a stopover in NY on the way back home to meet me. Just for the day, well even less than a day. He'd arrive on a red eye in the morning, and have to head back to the airport in the afternoon. It wasn't going to be so long, but it was better than not seeing him at all.

It was only a couple days away and the excitement was getting to me. The night before i woke up a few times, and checked my cellphone for the time, to see if it was time to get up yet. I slept about 5 hours that night, but who cares. I was gonna finally meet him :)

I took the train in to the city, and met him at a starbucks. Of course ;) Had coffee and talked alot. About his past, his future, and everything in between. We then decided to hit the stores, he was looking for something from a particular store so we walked up 5th Avenue, checking out stores. Of course me checking him out too. I was wondering if maybe i could join him in the fitting room at one place, but i thought better of it. Probably cameras in there for security or something. Oh well, we didn't find what he was looking for so we moved on.

The more we talked the more comfortable i got with him. Well not comfortable, i was comfortable, but more comfortable telling him things i'd normally be embarrassed about. Like how hot i thought he was, how great he'd look out of a pair of jeans (he'd sent me a pic of him in them). All the regular flirty talk that seems normal online, is harder to get out when i'm standing right next to him.

He was hungry, so we stopped in McDonalds. I wasn't going to eat, so i let him pick the place. (I'm not sure how many orthodox jews read this blog, but i was wondering whats technically a worse sin - eating non kosher, or not keeping the sabbath? The latter i seem to do pretty easily, yet i can't fathom eating something from McDs).

It was great :) I got to sit there and stare into his beautiful eyes and look at his beautiful smile the whole time we were there, and we were there for quite a while. Even after he finished eating, we just sat there and talked and talked and talked. I was feeling a bit frisky, and had a hard on, lol. I at first 'accidentally' brushed my hand against his knee. I did it a few times actually. But i wanted more. I told him to move forward in his seat. He leaned forward, and i was thinking of kissing him. God i wanted to. But i stopped myself. I told him not to lean forward, but scoot forward, which he did. I could then grab hold of his knew, which i did. I played with him a bit, we held hands under the table, it was hot.

I told him i'd head into the restrooms when it was empty and i wanted him to follow me. I didn't know how much time we'd have until someone walked in, and it certainly wasn't the kind of place we'd get up to much mischief, but at the very least I could kiss him, and i was absolutely dying to kiss him.

It looked empty so I wanted to do it, then and there, but he got a call from overseas, and by the time he'd finished, it was full and people were waiting to go in. I'd missed my opportunity. Maybe i could find another.

We continued out tour of manhattan. Stopping in some stores, looking at souvenirs. It was really so much fun just hanging out with him. Then he had to head back to the airport for his flight. I needed to get on the subway too so i went with him and eventually decided i'd go with him all the way to JFK. We took the A train to Howard Beach. There were a few opportunities where i thought right now would be the perfect time to kiss. We were at one end of the carriage, the train had emptied somewhat, and the people across us has nodded off. Of course these 2 african american women were staring straight at us. I just couldn't. Then we had to change trains. Being in the first carriage, we got off at the transfer station away from everyone else. There was a small secluded area and i thought here was my chance. Until another couple decided to join us there to wait for the next train. Damn it! Every time :(

Back on the train, and off at Howard Beach. The place was packed with people going to and coming from JFK. It wasn't looking that good. I said goodbye and gave him a hug. While i had him in my arms i kissed him on the cheek. Mmm, prickly, lol. He hadn't shaven that morning. As i let go I saw a jewish man with a kippa on come through the turnstile. It was then i was glad i had decided this wasn't the place for a full on kiss.

I guess it will wait till next time. And he's promised me there will be when he gets back. He'd make NY a proper stopover so we could spend more time together, and have some privacy, and do all the things we want to do with each other. I'll leave that up to your imagination ;)

good night from the big apple,
Jay

NYC part 2

I've been trying to write this post, but it keeps on getting pushed off. So here it finally is. I hope it lives up to my (and your) expectations.

I had so many plans when I came here. Things i was gonna do. People i was gonna meet. Well things are going alot slower than planned, which isn't altogether a bad thing. One person i wanted to meet when i got here was David, from Someone in a Tree. I've been reading his blog for a long time, and not too long ago I told him who I was. We had been chatting and he seemed like a really nice guy, and i knew I wanted to meet him once i got here. Well that was the plan anyway. It was just gonna be for coffee, but it was going to be really nice to meet and talk face to face, rather than online using facebook, email or text message. But things just never worked out. Whenever i thought maybe, i couldn't do it. I even finally booked him in, only to have to cancel on him the next day. I hated that.

Seeing at the rate we were going, we would never get to meet, so I figured i'd give him a call. I also thought there was something that he wanted to chat about - dating and girls. So i thought why not. I was a bit apprehensive about it but there wasn't any reason to be. I had reached his voicemail once before, and he sounded really sweet/cute/nice/sexy on the phone. He turned out to be a really nice guy. We had a great chat, well maybe i was venting more than anything, and he gave me some advice on some issues and some 40 minutes later at 2am it was time to call it a night. I probably could've gone on for hours if he hadn't stopped me. It was really nice to finally talk to him, and i'm hoping we meet up for coffee real soon.

Ok thats all the good stuff. Here comes the rest. I wish things had actually gone a bit differently. I wish our first conversation wasn't something serious and heavy. Light and fluffy would've been much nicer. Not that it wasn't good, but still. I also said a thing or two to him, which while intended to be a joke, i think maybe I was too forward. Maybe he's too nice to tell me i've gone too far, lol. Oh well, it is what it is, and i seem to do that too often those days.

Oh BTW, things are pretty slow in the search for cock too. Thought my readers would want to know ;) I havent been very proactive in that area, but slow and steady... gets the cock or something like that.

Well I'll keep you all posted :)
jay

Holidays

Hey all,

I've got a post in my head but i just seem to have trouble writing it down. Well actually finding time to write it down. It's the busy holiday season after all, and i'm just bogged down. Holiday celebrations and a million other things and at 3am i just can't concentrate, let alone remember what it is i wanted to say. So i figured i'd just wish you all happy holidays, merry christmas and happy hanukka and i hope i'll find some time in the next few days :)

ciao
j

Tonight...

Tonight was fun. I went through my phone numbers and called a bunch of people. The one thing they had in common was that they were all gay. Some were people i'd contacted before through various methods of communication. Some were people i intended to meet up with while i was in NY. Some were people who had given me their number and probably didn't remember that they did. I got through to some, others to their voicemail. But i'm glad i did it, even if i got a bit cold doing so.

jay

Yep still here

So here i am, and all the things i thought i'd get to do, well i'm not exactly getting to do them. Well i am, everything is just going slower than i imagined. No i'm not talking about getting laid, lol ;) just meeting people that i want to meet. It's not like i'm really busy, yet i still don't find the time to do it... Hopefully next week will be better on that front.

In other news, i'm dating again. And thats a problem. I'm finally dating a girl that i can't easily find a fault with, she's more my speed, we have fun together. The only problem is she is a girl. We could be good friends one day, although that doesn't go so well over here. I don't want to keep on dating her because i know it's not going to go anywhere, but I'm sort of being pushed to keep dating her. It's very frustrating. I can't say we don't have things in common, i can't say we didn't have fun, i can't say she's boring, i can't say i didn't like her looks, i can't say she's stupid, i can't say she's too tall or short for me, i can't say she did anything specific that i didn't like, i just can't say anything bad about her. So why don't i want to date her? Argh!!! I don't want to keep on dating because i know i'd have to break up with her at some point and the earlier the better.

My problem is i'm too nice a guy. Girls like me, lol. I'm always the one that does the dumping, rather than the other way around. I really don't know how i'm going to get out of this mess :(

jay

Meeting new people

So i'm in NYC. What do i do? Of course i went to a party. Got the invite on facebook. Then i got a call from a friend i met online that i wanted to meet while i'm here that he saw i was going to the party and so was he :) That's great i thought. I hadn't expected to meet up with anyone so soon but this would be great. the only thing was how was I supposed to know him already? We lived in different cities, mixed with different crowds. I guess i'd have to pretend i didn't really know him, which was weird. I walked into the room and i saw him. Of course i first had to say hi to everyone that i actually knew. Then i got introduced to those I didn't know, one being him, lol. It was actually a lot of fun to get to chat with him in person. I couldn't believe it was actually happening. We felt like old friends, which we were. Of course we didn't really get any time to ourselves. Even though we moved to the kitchen, the party sort of followed us, lol. But it was fun, and i'm hoping to meet up with him again soon :)

j

Craigslist ad

I posted a while back that i'd put an ad on craigslist. In hindsight, i don't think i was necessarily looking for something, i was more curious as to what response i'd get. Anyway i turned down all the responses i got, of all of them, only one guy was cute. Recently one other guy messaged me back, asking if i ended up doing anything about it. I hadn't, but we got chatting a bit. He wanted a pic of me. I didn't want to send one. I wouldn't meet up with him anyway. But i was curious as to what he looked like. I wanted one of him. But he wouldn't send one, unless i sent first. So i did. And he did. To be honest, he wasn't someone i'd meet up with. It's interesting how those people that responded to my post are mainly guys i probably wouldn't have hooked up with in general. Guys who are 'straight' but want to fuck guys too. Or guys i'd have no interest in normally. Well except for that one cute guy. I wonder where he is right now. I guess thats why craigslist is good in some ways. You can be as anonymous as you want to be.

j

Absolutely hilarious!!!

The title says it all :)

It's all about trust

It seems every time i post i feel different about telling people who i really am. It used to be that i could count the people i had told on one hand. Now i've lost count, and i'm glad. The original guys were people i had had lots of contact with. People i felt close with. A few people I felt I could trust.

Some might say i'm even too open about it now. Too trusting. But i've been coming clean to more and more people, and it feels great that I can be more open about it. I've rekindled some old friendships now that i can come clean. Of course i'm sure there are some people who want to know, just for the sake of wanting to know and aren't really interested in the real me, but that doesn't bother me. I still pick and choose who i tell, who i feel I can trust, which is kind of my safeguard, rather than just telling anyone and everyone.

Overall I think i'm in a good place :)

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers. Hope you're stuffed like a turkey, lol.

So tell me... what are you thankful for this year?

j

Progress

Well i've got the travel bug. I've just settled in back at home and am planning my next trip. Looks like it will be NYC and will be soon. Could be as early as in the next week or two, so i'm very excited :)

But of course this means i'm extremely busy. Got so many things to do, not much time for blogging i'm afraid. Writing or reading. I'm also a bit lost for things to write about. Facebook is on a bit of a slowdown for me. Maybe i'm just not so into it any more, maybe i realised i should meet people in real life and stop this whole online crap.

me

Reactions to 'sorry'

Was my 'sorry' post so confusing? Maybe if you read it in the context of my other posts it made sense, but on it's own it didn't. Because i've been getting some different reactions to it. Some people get what i'm trying to say, and some people are way off. Things like 'i thought you were gay already' or 'congrats on coming out'. I'm not coming out, well not to people in my real life just yet. My point was to kinda come clean to my fb friends. They weren't my friends, they were friends of some guy named Jay Murray who i made up. The profile pic was also one i found on google, it's not me. I didn't want to use a celeb pic because i wanted it to look more real. Thats what i was sorry for. I wasn't sorry i was gay. I wasn't sorry that i was coming out. I was sorry for the whole lie that is Jay Murray's fb profile. I was sorry for the deceit. I was sorry for abusing the trust that people had in me. Yes i had my reasons for doing it, wanting to make gay friends, but being closeted and coming from a religious family with all the issues that would arise with that. But it still didn't make it right. Thats what i'm sorry for.

Me

I did it

Earlier today i posted a link to this blog (and the post titled 'sorry' in particular). I'm somewhat relieved, i'm somewhat nervous to how people react. But i'm ready for it, whatever may happen. I've been told by people i should just walk away and start again, rather than letting people know the truth. But i think that would've been just taking the easy way out. It was time for me to come clean. So I did. And i'm glad i did.

J

Good morning

I've just been experimenting with some cosmetic changes. You can now follow my blog :) It seems to be the in thing right now, lol.

Bye
j

Random stuff

So there's this guy i work with. Totally hot, like in a hot country boy kind of way. I can't stop staring at him, lol. I've gotta be careful though.

One of my favorite TV shows is back on - Top Chef. Yeah i love my food. Just give me Bravo and the Food network and I'm happy :) There's a few gay chefs on. They named themselves Team Rainbow, lol. The twink Patrick is gone, but who cares. Richard the bear from San Diego is still there. And he's hot! (Yeah i'm 26, i notice hot guys!) Check out this recap of the first episode. Anyway, gotta go, bye!

Jay

Sorry

I can't say I didn't have it coming to me. First I was warned, then i was busted, and now i'm screwed. Well i thought I was. I spent the day freaking out. Someone I had revealed myself to decided I wasn't worth keeping a secret for. And he was right. Over the last few days i had revealed myself to a number of people. The all seemed to take the news ok. But one by one it became clear that they weren't interested in being friends. They may not have said it, but they didn't need to. There wasn't going to be any friendship or chatting. They may have been friends with Jay, but Jay didn't really exist. That pic? Not me. The name? Made up. My fb profile? Fake.

Yes I may have had my reasons. I am closeted, and aren't ready to show people who i really am. But it didn't change the fact. I had lied. I had manipulated. I had done things I wished I hadn't. The thing I wanted the most, friendship, i had managed to royally screw up. These people did not have friendships with me, they had friendships with Jay. And when Jay dissappears, so does the friendship. But there have been a handful that have stood by me. People that i trust. People that i can rely on if my world starts crumbling and need some help. One could argue all day whether the end justified the means. But i'm not here to argue.

So here I am. Not Jay. Just a nobody. And this nobody owes 2000 odd people an apology. I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say.

I think i may post this to facebook someday soon. I fully expect my 'friend' count to drop and continue dropping. And i will live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Me

So i'm here...

And i'm bored, lol. There is nothing on TV and i have to find things to do when i'm not working. Of course that isn't why you're reading this blog. I think kosher wise, i'm not going to do much about that, thats a big thing and i'm not ready for that, if i ever will be. I didn't put on teffilin yesterday. It wasnt that i had in mind not to, i just didn't do it straight away in the morning, then i had things to do, and went for a nap because i was exhausted, and slept till night. I forgot all about it. I don't think its the first time that has happened though.

What else is doing... i'm getting a bit of a taste of my own medicine. Well not quite that, but it is what people warned me about. I've started to come out to more and more people online. Really all i'm looking for is friends. I want to talk to people, chat to people. And the people i try to approach just don't seem to be interested. I try Fb, aim, MSN. There's only so many times i will attempt to chat with a person before i just decide i'm wasting my time. And i don't want to seem too desperate. Do i keep on trying or what?

BUSTED!!!!

So I got busted. It has taken a while but it happened. One of the guys I've been chatting to found my blog. And he wasn't impressed to say the least. Actually he was pretty pissed off. I guess that isn't the best way for anyone to find out, but it is what it is. Thinking about it, most of what i said to him was true, and i have to wonder how i'd react if it happened to me. On one hand i don't blame him for being mad at me. On the other hand, give me a freaking break. Oh well, I've now got one less friend to worry about.

Oh and EL, i don't think you'll actually read this but that was harsh! I don't think i'll be trying that again :( .

j

pics and travel

Hi all,

Just a quick update for now. You may have noticed that i removed certain imagery that may or may not have been offensive to certain readers, and certainly not the kind of pics they were expecting when they clicked on this blog. I have now provided link to sites instead, so if you want to see pics, then click on thru, otherwise just continue reading.

Also, i'm heading away for a couple weeks on a trip for work, so my blogging abilities may not be as great. But this is the first time for me to actually be alone, without any supervision (other than god of course, lol). I wonder what i will and won't do while i'm there. Shabbat? Kosher? Prayer? When there's no one watching me how low will i go? Only time will tell i guess. Sometimes i feel this is the test, when there's no-one around physically to tell me off of what i will keep and what i won't.

jay

Halloween and yep, FB

Don't you just love Halloween? Drinking, partying, flirting with hot guys. But forget the candy, i'm talking about eye candy! It's not beach weather anymore, so where else do u get to see hot guys dressed up, looking all hot with only a minimal amount of clothing on? Seriously, some of them are just too hot ! Of course all the pics go up on facebook too, so if you weren't at the party, who cares? You can still perve to your hearts content :)

Now what do i use facebook for? I use it release sexual tension, lol. I'm extremely flirty, i post very suggestive status updates, i love cyberchatting with a bunch hot guys around the world, and getting off on it. I love perving at all the hot pics my 'friends' put up. But how far is going too far? Where do you draw the line? Yeah i've been asked out on a date by guys on fb, but when a guy says 'i want to be with you', what do I say? When a guy says 'Virginia isn't that far away, i can be there tonight and i want you to break my virgin ass in', how do I even respond to that? When a guy says he's coming to NY soon or 'planning a trip to NY next year and wants to meet up', how do i get out of that? When after a bit of a chat a guy asks me to 'come over to his place tonight, and if not tonight another night soon', how do i come up with another excuse as to why i can't?

I guess there isn't really much choice. I can stop what I'm doing, but i won't. I could come clean to them and i may, but only to the odd one here and there. The only other option is to just not respond to their advances. Any tips?

And lastly, all those who can, go out and vote. Obama, McCain who cares who wins! As long as SNL has Tina Fey continue with her Sarah Palin. She's absolutely hilarious! Oh, and no on prop 8. Had to get that in there :)

BTW, thanks guys for the comments. Keep them coming, and if anyone has any questions or things you want me to blog about, just let me know.

Have a great day :)
Jay

Hi

Checking my stats I see i've gotten some new visitors recently. You can always tell when someone is new to the blog, cos if they find it interesting they read through all the archives. So to my new readers I'd like to say welcome. And to everyone else reading around the world, i'm glad you stick around. Besides the usual suspects, the US, the UK, Canada, Australia, Germany and Israel, I get hits from interesting places too. Places that I wouldn't expect like Saudi Arabia, Algeria, Trinidad and Tobago, and Iran of all places where there are no gay people, lol. So to all my readers i'd like to say thanks. Thanks for reading, thanks for voting in my polls, and above all thanks for commenting (i love the feedback!). And if you haven't commented before, there's no time like the present, and yes you can stay anonymous if u wish.

Jay

Scrabble

A friend of mine suggested we play Scrabulous (and online scrabble game) on facebook. I'm not a good scrabble player. In fact i barely play it in real life. But hey, who am i to turn down a challenge? I played him a few times and lost, of course. It looked like he was making up words. I mean really, azlon? Dimp? Gimme a break! But now there's a reall scrabble application. And he asked for a game. Of course I wouldn't say no. And i won :) Ever since then i've been hungry for more. I'm learning new tricks, how to get huge scoring words, how to use the double and triple letter and word scores. Now I want to play it more than him. I have to nudge him to take his turn, lol. Maybe he's finally seeing some competition and doesn't want to lose too many games too quickly. I say game on!

Jay

More late night porn, lol

Yeah i know it's late but i just finished watching this from Chaosmen. Slade fucks Degan.

click here (and don't click if you're underage or offended by such images that may appear)

They're not exactly the hottest looking guys around, but they've got good bods, and the passion you see throughout the vid is really cool :)

enjoy
j

Friends and facebook... or facebook and friends

So i've been chatting with a guy i met on craigslist. He was looking for friends, so was I. Sounds perfect. So i told him a bit about me, he told me a bit about himself. I tell him where i'm from. His ex is from the same place that i am. I'm intrigued. Maybe I know his ex. In fact i probably do. Do i know he is gay? Do i even ask? With a few vague details i think i'll take a stab at it. Is the first letter of the first name X? Is the first letter of his last name X? "How do u know?" I know everyone lol. We chat a bit more. It seems he has visited my hometown before, and met up with some other nice gay jewish boys. In fact he thinks i'm one of them, playing a trick on him. "Is this XXXXXX? YYYYYY?" No but now i'm shocked. he knows more gay jewish boys in my hometown than I do! I know a couple guys named XXXXXX. Is it one of them? It probably is. If he gives me the age i could prob tell who it is. But he's not giving me anything. He's given too much already. And the sad thing is it'd be great to have someone to chat to, someone i know, that happens to be gay too. But I know he's not going to tell me any more. I don't even bother asking. So what do i do? I can't exactly ask them straight up if they're gay. Do i get him to pass a message along like we're in second grade? I guess i'll have to chat some more with him then.

A similar topic is facebook. I have come out to a few guys who I was friendly with on my fake profile, and have since added them to my real profile as friends. I thought of telling another guy who I was and i searched for him and found that we have friends in common. He's friends with a cousin of mine. So where do we go from here? Is he out? If he's out, then my cousin may know and then the question might be asked how do i know him. If he's not out, what if he comes out, again how do i know him? Do i meet random people in the street that happen to be gay and add them on facebook? lol. Maybe having gay friends on my real profile isn't such a smart idea while i'm in the closet. I also had someone remove me as a friend because he was concerned about the same thing, so i'm not the only one who is paranoid, lol.

jay

My life undercover, pt.2

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Leo is back!

Here's another Leo vid i just finished watching. It was so hot i couldn't watch it all at once ;) It's Leo getting fucked by David Taylor on Jake Cruise. Tattoos don't usually do it for me but on this guy it just works well. And he's cute too :) Enjoy the pics.

click here and again don't click if underage or offended by such imagery

j

My life undercover Pt.1

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

More TV hotties

I thought i'd leave this as an open forum. What do you want me to talk about? Just write it in the comments section. You can be anonymous if you wish, ask me anything you want. And while you're at it, spend a couple of seconds to vote in my poll in the top right corner.

While you're thinking about it, here are some more hot guys from TV. Enjoy :)

Another excuse for a post :)

Besides the fact that i had save a couple hot pics that i wanted to post, i thought i'd add a poll. I wanted to get some kind of idea as to who my readers are. I know some of you, but others not at all. While i happen to be Jewish and quite/sort of/a bit religious and i discuss my life from that perspective, now that i've been posting for about 8 months or so, I'm very curious to what kind of readers i have. Not the ones i know about but the ones that still visit yet i know nothing about

Anyway, enjoy the pics and have a great week/weekend/moed/chag

I need more sleep!

Thats right, i need more sleep! Everyone thinks i sleep too much. But it's not true, i'm just up really really late, chatting to people from all over the world, watching tv shows online, watching porn (lol), and in general just enjoying the peace and quiet that comes with everyone else being asleep. I used to catch up on my sleep on weekends, when i 'couldn't' be online, but now that nothing is stopping me, i just don't have the time. So i thought i'd share one of my new favorite porn vids. It's by Randy Blue, Leo and Colby and here's a few pics from it.

click here (unless you're too young or may be offended)

Colby is alright, but Leo is HOT!!!! Like on fire kind of hot! Wouldn't mind if he knocked on my front door :)

Anyway, i gotta head off. Enjoy the pics and the porn and i'll catch you later.
jay

I wish i didn't have to post this...

It is Erev Yom Kippur, the eve of the Jewish Day of Atonement, the most solemn and the holiest Jewish Holiday in the calendar. My mother was admitted to hospital today, and i'm asking for the world to pray for her. Whether you believe in a god or not, it can't hurt to have her in your thoughts.

Thanks and god bless you all.

Nice ad

It's an old one, but funny, yet cute, with a serious message, and i love the song too!




And it's connected to what I want to write about! Safe sex. A hot topic, at least in my mind ;)

Of course safe sex is all most people talk about. Use a condom! Most people have told me to make sure i use a condom when i get laid. which makes sense and i'm not stupid, not gonna whore myself out to the world and play dangerously, lol. Obviously if you're in a committed relationship and you're both clean, then one could do it bareback.

But it's something i think i'd like to try. I asked 1 of the guys i plan on playing with, he said he only plays safe. But i asked him about bareback, and he said that he's clean (got tested recently cos he did some medical) but he'd leave it up to me. On one hand we've gotten so close, and there's so much personal stuff that he's told me about that he hasn't told his closest friends. I trust him, i really do. Obviously i'd have to come to terms with all the what ifs, but it's definitely something i'm considering.

No-one told me to go for it. Some said never play bareback with someone you don't really know. Others said said only if i feel comfortable with it. I guess like with everything i'll have to wait and see.

Jay

My 'type'?!?

I've been asked numerous times what my type is. I wasn't sure i had a type. I like hot guys, lol. Can that be a type? Since i don't date at all, i can't tell you about the type of guys i've dated. What about the porn i download you may ask? Well i usually start off with the most seeded files and look at the pics of the certain video. If the pics do it for me then good, otherwise i'll skip it. So there tends to be a selection of short movies of the corbin fisher/sean cody/chaos men type, plus a selection of longer movies with a 'storyline' (yeah if porn can have a storyline!). Category wise, i first go thru jocks and hunks and then move on to others.

One thing i've noticed however is with the guys i'm really into. Guys i've chatted with and gotten quite close with almost to the point of falling for them. They always seem to be in their mid-30s. And they all happen to be in relationships. And they all at some point have some relationship problems. Now what the hell is up with that? Breaking up, getting back together, "why doesn't he listen to me? Why is he so inconsiderate? I hate him!" I seriously don't know why i'm so into these guys. And it's not like i hear they're in a relationship and then i'm into them, it's always the ones i fall for that turn out to be taken, or semi taken, or sort of broken up but getting back together, or wanting to break up. it's crazy! I'm glad they feel comfortable enough that they can open up to me, but really what advice can they expect from me? I'm Mr 'closested and never been in a relationship'. This last guy i've been chatting to is in the middle of a longish relationship, like 5+ years. He says the first year was great, but the rest have sucked. I so want to tell him that he should've dumped the guy years ago if he's such a bastard. But is it my place to criticise or give him such 'practical' advice.

At least one of them is going to read this and i wonder how mad he'll be at me. My first guy. The first guy i fell for. The first guy i did lots of things with. I was so into him that when i heard he was having issues i thought maybe they'd break up so i could have him. Yeah like i had a chance, lol. Another guy has no clue how into him i am. But he's not single either. We're in contact every now and then which is fun :)

Wait another thing that turns me on is hair. I really get into guys with short trimmed beards or other facial hair. Thats a real turn on. That and chest hair. Again, not too much, just enough to be really hot! Lol, maybe i should include some pics. So here are some. Enjoy. (the last one is another hottie :) )






I think i should post pics more often! Thanks to Someinatree for the pics!

Jay

Wow! What a response!

Given the huge response to my last post, i decided to come up with my own stuff to write about.

I had a dream yesterday. I was supposed to be starring in a porno. Until the director saw me with no clothes on. No washboard stomach. No abs. And i got cut from the film. No big loss, i mean do i really want my fat ass plastered all over websites? Well yeah if it looked like some porn star with a great body! Nah I think porn is definitely not for me, only watching it, and dreaming about starring in it.

Another topic for tonight is getting caught. I think i posted before that i've been doing quite alot of things I shouldn't be doing. Well from a jewish religious perspective. Besides the usual jacking off, watching porn, cyber sex stuff, i think i've mentioned before i've been doing other things too, like breaking the sabbath and jewish holidays. As long as I don't get caught, then things are ok. If i get caught, well all hell breaks loose. When i do this it's usually i'm online in my room, chatting, blogging, watching tv shows or porn, or text messaging from my phone. It has happened once that I woke up about 6am one sabbath morning, before anyone had woken up and my laptop was still on my bed from the night before, still on. I must've fallen asleep like that. I'm so glad i managed to get rid of it before someone else saw it there. But this week on rosh hashana, a similar thing happened. I was woken up by someone opening my door. Thank god they didn't walk in because my laptop was on my bed again with my cellphone. It was closed and off, but still a very compromising position, and one that i wouldnt have been able to wiggle myself out of.

Lastly i want to talk about marriage. Other people's marriages for once, not my own. One of my sisters recently got married. The wedding was amazing! But it hit me on what it is i'm going to be missing out on. Family and friends celebrating something special. It's one thing i don't think i'm going to get to experience. And it upsets me. I have no idea how anyone will react to me being gay. Will family or friends reject me? Will i miss out on seeing my nephews, nieces and cousins growing up? And there's nothing i can do about it.

I also feel like i've lost my best friend. Out of all my siblings she was the one i was closest to. If she had any questions, she'd usually ask me for advice. Dating advice, work advice, how to ask her boss for a raise, clothing and fashion advice - what to buy, what outfit to wear, what shoes look better, lol. I'd often meet her at her office and go out for lunch. We were really close. Well we are still are really close, and he husband is a really nice guy and i'm very happy for them. But i miss her. He is now her confidant. She hangs out with him, rather than with me. It's like i've lost the one thing closest to me.

Enough writing for now, have a great day/evening/night
jay

Yay! I'm famous!

Well not really. I got quoted in another blog, which i never expected to happen... ever. But it's a private blog, so none from my reader's will be able to see it. Oh well.

Nothing new happening here. Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) is coming up this week, which comes with lots of food and family meals (yay) and mandatory synagogue attendance (oy vey). Other than that my life is quite boring, lol.

I want to ask you all a question. What would you like me to blog about? I'll leave it up to you :)

J

Secret crushes

Sorry about the lack of posts, i've been extremely busy recently. Just a quickie here. According to my sister, her hairstylist has a secret crush on me. He's straight, supposedly. And has a girlfriend. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I'm quite flattered to be honest. I also think it's hilarious, lol. The more the merrier i say :)

I'm a stalker! lol

hey all,

I gotta start by saying that I consider myself very tech savvy. Computers, the internet, electronics, the works! I was chatting online with one of my 'friends' i intend to meet up with soon hopefully. I knew what city he lived in so while i was chatting i looked him up on whitepages.com . I found his address and phone number, i google mapped him, and checked out his apartment building on streetview. I told him i did it, and he got all freaked out. Like i was spying on him, lol. He couldn't believe that his address and phone number were online. Hello?!? Like him and 300 million other americans! Was what i did so bad? I have no idea. I think it's hilarious!

jay

Problems, problems everywhere

Um hey,

I don't know why exactly i'm writing this but i needed to say something to someone, yet i'm embarrassed to tell people i know, so i thought i'd post here, it still feels a bit anonymous, lol.

Alot has been going on in my life, and i've been really stressed out. Both myself and people around me have had problems. Legal problems, financial problems, and other problems, lots more than i can possibly deal with. So i don't deal with it. I bottle it all up until one day i might just explode. So i needed to get it out there. It fucking kills me, that i can't do anything about it, or help anyone. One slight problem that had been dragging on for ages that had affected me personally is over, thank god. So thats a bit less stress to worry about. And to those people who knew about it and contacted me, thanks for your concern. But there are still major issues going on right now, that affects everyone around me, and there's nothing i can do :( I stress out very easily, and i'm glad to know there are people out there that can support me.

I must say though these issues have nothing to do with me being gay. That's just another issue that adds to my stress levels and increases my blood pressure. And it's also something i can't deal with right now.

Have a good night,
J

Out with the old and in with the new

What was the original purpose of this blog, you may ask. I don't think i'd have a definite answer. It would be a place to vent. A place to air my frustration. A place to share my good news, as well as my bad. A place where i could put things down on 'paper'.

I'm quite a sensitive guy, and i normally would keep things bottled up, rather than the tell the person off that i'm mad upset with. I'm just not sure what to do. I (as a gay person) have 2 groups of friends. 1 would be the initial people i met, or chatted to or came out to. The second group would be those that came onto the scene more recently. It kind of feels like i've fallen out of favor with the first group. I don't know whether they still read this blog. But i hate feeling like i'm the only one putting into this friendship, well whatever's left of it.

2 people in particular i felt like we'd be best friends forever. But now i'm not so sure. I email, i message, and there's only so long one can keep on doing this and most of the time not getting a reply before you think about giving up. I used to think i'd have a friend for life, but we've moved on from a bunch of emails per day to maybe 1 every week, or from daily chats to never chatting.

They could be working 3 jobs, or working on their PhD, or whatever, and i know they're busy. But is it too much to ask for a hello every now and then? Or a reply to an email. Even a 1 liner is better than nothing. Is it asking for too much? Maybe it is...

/rant

It scares me how quickly things have changed.

Jay

So much to say, so little time to say it

Things have progressed quite a lot since my last post. I've come out to more people, but real people. Real friends, going through similar things to what i am. A bunch of nice jewish boys who i'd love to meet up with next time i'm in their neck of the woods. Which will hopefully be later this year. I been chatting with them online, speaking on the phone for hours. We have so much in common and so much to talk about, there's not enough time in the day!

There was also one other guy, a really sweet guy and i thought we'd been chatting so long, i should probably tell him. So i did, and we really hit it off. We're planning to meet up later in the year when we actually find ourselves in the same country at one time. In a way i'm surprised things are working out so well. For a while i was probably looking at things as the cup half empty. But things are now cup half full. The hard part isn't over, but it's nice to know i have a bunch of friends that will support me (i hope) when the going gets tough.

I'd always been concerned about my looks. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a wanker, but i think i'm cute looking, well maybe i would be without this beard. I have an average body, and I never thought i'd be considered attractive by someone the way i look now. Ssome of these people that i chat to tell me how cute i am, or how i am their 'type', lol. Maybe they're just being nice, but it's really nice to hear. For someone to tell me that he thinks i'm sexy and wants to 'play' when we meet up, coming from a guy who i think is really hot and has a great muscular body, well thats been great for my self esteem. And really good for my fantasies ;)

j

Wow, has it really been that long?

I can't remember the last time i had such a gap between posts but all is well.

Last week I made a call to my new 'friend' - the one who i'm supposed to be going on a date with. He didn't asnwer but it went to voicemail so that was a good start, at least i knew what he sounded like. He then called back later but got my sister so he said he got the wrong number. But i eventually called back and we had a great chat. The only problem is that it was too short. Thats what happens when you try to call people and there are people around. Parents, siblings, guests, i barely get any time alone to call these people. And i can't exactly talk about gay things, coming out, sex, etc with them around. It's frustrating! I also spoke with another friend not too long ago. I'd love to chat more often, but everything just gets in the way.

I also got a stern talking to from a guy on manhunt, lol. I made a free profile years ago when i was just a kid. With free profiles you need to put a pic, so i found one online and used that. Anyway so this guy was a NJB (nice jewish boy) or so he claimed, and he seemed like a nice guy so i told him it wasn't really a pic of me, and he really let me have it. I absolutely deserve it, but he lost interest completely. Which is a shame, cos it would've been nice to meet up with him in NY. which brings me to another point, if i was to meet with various people does that mean i'm cheating on the first guy who asked me out? I've never thought of myself as a cheater, but maybe i am...

And finally, i posted another ad on craiglist. This time in a different city, just to compare the response. I received a grand total of 0 emails for an almost identical posting, which surprised me. Maybe thats California for you ;)

Take care,
J

What a great day!

Today I went out with some cousins visiting from overseas. We went out for lunch and then went ice skating. That may not seem like much to most people but I really enjoyed myself, and it has been too long since i can remember a day where i really had alot of fun :) Here's to more fun days ahead.

jay

I got asked out on a date :)

Well i didn't, 'jay' did. Which is a first for me. It's also kind of weird. What do you tell someone who has just asked you out on a date thinking you are someone else? He found me on facebook in a gay jewish group. I told him i wasn't who he thought i was, and slowly revealed more info about myself, to the stage where i've now directed him to my real profile. I haven't heard back from him... yet, but i know i know, no judging slow responses as anything more than that. He seems like a cool guy :) . He is 10 years older than me, so he's probably looking to settle down while i'm only tying to start beginning my life as a gay man. But i'd like to see where it goes, even if we only end up having 1 date, i'm sure we'll have fun. We do come from different backgrounds, and he's in NY, and i won't back there for a few months, so that gives us some time to get to know each other better :)

Another thing that I did recently which was very out of the ordinary, was that I posted an ad in the personals section of craigslist NYC. I wasn't seriously looking for a hookup just yet, especially since i'm not in NYC right now, but i guess I was just testing the waters, seeing whats out there. I got quite a few responses which I am pleased about. Gay closeted jewish guys sure come out of the woodwork once you post on craigslist! lol.

One thing that i am a bit concerned about is that most people who know my real identity, are people i have found online, who are not jewish. I seem to have this fear of letting jewish people know who i really am. Not that they'd out me or anything, but i guess i'm concerned about the jewish geography side. I'm sure they'd know someone who knows someone who knows me (yeah i know it sounds crazy! and if you don't know what i mean google it) and i'm concerned about it accidentally getting out when i'm not ready for that yet. Coming out and sending a pic to people who responded to my craigslist ad is also a bit weird. I have no idea who these guys are, and since i'm not there anyway there's nothing i can do but take a raincheck even if i really wanted to go ahead with it.

i'm off,
ciao
Jay

Everything in life ebbs and flows

I've been going through so many emotions recently. Happiness and sadness, excitement and anger. There are lots of things happening in my life, and i've come to realise that for the most part i can't control it. What happens, happens and i shouldn't give up on anyone or anything because life is like a wheel, and if things look really down right now, it's only a matter of time before things look up. A case in point is my previous post. There were these 2 guys i had been chatting to. I thought that they'd dissappeared on me. But like everything else, chats with my newfound friends ebbs and flows. Some days they'll be tens of messages or chats going back and forth, sometimes there'll be days without any. But i know that they will come back to me, eventually. Which means when i wake up and have no emails waiting for me, all it takes is time and it will come good.

Have a good night,
Jay :)

Is it really worth it?

I just don't get it. Am i too trusting, or do I just scare people off? Why the hell would someone give you their MSN or AIM if they have no bloody intention to chat with you. There are 2 guys in particular, people i've come clean to. Suddenly thats almost the end of it, well a 99% slowdown. No emails, no messages, no chats, no replies. And they seemed like really nice guys too :( Are hot gay guys really such a-holes? Or is it just me? I'm at a point where I really have to ask myself why I put myself out there, time and time again. Is it really worth it?

New blogs

Hi Everyone,

I've put some more blogs in my blog list that i'm an avid reader of. You'll probably notice that in addition to quite a few personal gay blogs, i put up some foodie ones too! I love good food more than anything. If i could I'd probably watch the food network 24/7. It seems lots of international chefs make it big on TV, you've got the americans, the brits and the up and coming aussies (curtis stone is a hottie!). And one of my favorite shows is Top Chef on Bravo. Even though most of the recipes i probably couldn't reproduce since it's not kosher, i still love watching it :)

Anyway, catch you later,
Jay

A new friend

Well i met someone. Not face to face, but online. Turns out he's from the same place I am. Which is good in a way, but bad in a way. Good to know there are others who i may actually know of, but bad in that i'm too scared to tell him who i am. I'd love to show him this blog, but i'm sure he'll be able to figure out who i am from what i've posted. We discussed lots of things, but it was hard to talk about certain things since he had no idea who i was and tried to leave out certain things that would help him identify me.

Ah well, the life of the closeted.
j

Oh and hi to my new readers :) You know who you are

Friends? What friends?

I feel like i'm losing my friends :( I don't know what it is. I used to speak/chat/email with them much more than i do right now. I know they're prob busy rather than don't want to chat, but it doesn't make me feel any better. In other news i'm finding new friends :) I seem to be more ok at telling people who I am. Not people in my life, but people who think they know Jay. It's a start i guess.

jay

Im yirtzah hashem badir

Im yirtzah hashem badir. It's a yiddish expression which basically translates to 'god willing by you'. It is a wish often said to single people, especially when someone gets engaged or married, and also couples without kids, especially when someone else has a child. Of course everyone means well, but i've had enough of it.

A sibling of mine got engaged recently, which is great news! But every person who wishes me mazel tov, says im yirtzah hashem badir, and i mean EVERY person. Friends, relatives, grandparents, everyone. when you get it 10, 15, 20 times a day, you don't want to hear about it any more. The worst is when i'm speaking with one of my grandparents who is losing their memory. In one conversation i'm probably told it or something similar 3 or 4 times.

Something tells me they're not referring to a male partner ;)

j

Poll Results

And the results are in! The question was: Lets say i was your facebook friend, and one day i told you i wasn't really Jay, and showed you who I really was, how would you react?

Ok cool, now I want to get to know the real you	8 (34%)
I guess i understand, we can give it a shot	11 (47%)
Sorry but i don't think i could be friends with someone who has lied to me this whole time	1 (4%)
No way! Fuck off and don't contact me again	3 (13%)

I guess i wasn't sure what to expect, it's heartening to know that 82% of you would give me another chance. And while i understand the other 18%, well it'd be nice for them to give guys like me a go. It's hard enough coming out to people, without having them reject you when you do :(

Jay

If i had to describe how I feel...

If I had to describe how I feel right now.... it would be shattered. Not that anyone did anything to me, but it's something i did to myself.

I think i've mentioned before how much i liked HGF. He's the sweetest, most amazing guy i've ever met (and so hot!). He's also in a relationship with another guy. An open relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. It felt like we had more than a great friendship, we had an amazing bond and nothing could change that. Well thats how i felt about him and i think that's how he felt about me. I wasn't exactly relationship material, but i didn't care. He was in a relationship and I wasn't looking for much, only friendship.

But the closer we got, the more and more I liked him. And when I finally came out to him, a great burden felt gone, and I could finally be 100% straight with him. He really took me under his wing, and taught me so much. He would always be the first guy I trusted with my secret. And i was beginning to fall for him. Sometime around our first meeting, in an email to him I told him that I wanted him to be my first. It was going to be difficult to organize, but I wanted it so badly. He would be perfect. I loved him, I trusted him. I knew he would take things slowly (or fast if i wanted it). He would let me be in control, making sure it was a special, memorable experience. I guess the issue was I expected it to happen, and it was only a matter of when.

There were a few occasions where it looked like we could organise it, be in the same city at the same time. It was going to be perfect. I dreamed about it, i think i even wrote about it. I was going to turn up at his hotel room, he would answer the door and I would give him the biggest hug and kiss i could. I wouldn't let go of him. I wanted to touch him, to feel him, to have him. And I wanted him to have me. The kiss would be even better than our first kiss (which was incredible), back in NYC. But i'd be able to kiss more of him. His ear lobes. His neck. His shoulders. I'd undo his shirt buttons, make my way to his pecs and nipples and abs kissing him all over. I'd begin to open his jeans, button by button, waiting for my surprise :) Ok clearly heading off track.

The reason of this post is that HGF and his partner have decided to turn their open relationship, into a monogomous one. Yay for them, and i'm really happy for them. I think it's a big step and a step in the right direction. Maybe i'm just too conservative and don't 'get' the whole open relationship thing. I mean if you're fucking other guys then whats the point of calling it a relationship? I know saying that is sacrilege in the gay world, but so be it.

But i'm really mad. Not at him, but at myself. Obviously this wasn't going to be a definite thing, especially with the distance between us. But in my mind it was only a matter of when. It was supposed to be special and perfect and with him. I was ready for it. I wanted it. I didn't want to have to find someone else that i liked enough and wanted to be my first. I don't know how I feel. I said shattered. Maybe heart broken is better. Or stupid. I cannot believe I'm not going to have another chance at kissing those beautiful lips... :(

And there wasn't a lack of people warning me about this. One guy told me it wasn't healthy for me to be in 'waiting for HGF' like this rather than being open to other guys and seeing what happens. Another didn't get it either. He commented that if HGF couldn't love me back in the same way that I loved him, then really what was the point of pursuing it with him.

They both made good points. I just wanted to believe that it would happen someday. I guess that job is now up for grabs. Any takers?

In other news, #4.5 is now #5. He's been so for less than a week and is amazingly cool with everything. We've been chatting quite alot over the last 5-6 days. Obviously alot is advice and general chit chat. But i'm wondering if it's too much. We've had a couple of MSN chats that went on for hours! While they were fun, and interesting, I think it might be too much - for him, not for me, i love it! Should I cut back on the chatting and emails and messages on facebook?

enjoy your weekend!
ciao
J

What do i do?!

Why the hell am I so indecisive? I don't know what to do about moving. To move out permanently I need cash, and i'm studying full time, so no job yet. I'd hate to eat away at my savings...

I'm a member of a few 'dating/meeting' sites. No I've never hooked up with anyone, but they're all there. Manline, manhunt, gay.com, jdate. I think i may have even joined up to gaydar! But what do i do on these sites? Look at profiles, chat, dream about actually meeting someone. But of course I never go through with it. Out of all the sites, i think i like manhunt the best. People looking for sex!

It's weird in that i know i'm not going to meet up with anyone but i enjoy checking out the profiles and just random chats with random people. Yeah, they're there for sex. But i've met some really nice guys on there. People I would have expected to meet at date.com rather than manhunt. My profile says i'm a virgin, and i wonder what that effect that has on people who message me. Lots of people i've spoken to have essentially told me they're not only looking for a fuck. They want to make friends. go out for a drink, coffee, whatever.

I'm rambling and don't know where i'm going with this. I guess has manhunt turned into a dating site as much as it is site where you can find someone in your neighbourhood looking to get laid?

I've had a total of 1 person tell me i should not be looking for my first fuck on manhunt. And he's right! But once the first is taken care of, nothing is stopping me ;)

Hope your having a great weekend,
jay

PS. My profile name on manhunt is jayles

The latest!

Well for starters just want to let you know that the tests i had done last week came back clear :)

In other news I'm in touch with #4 and he's cool with the whole thing.. I think. So i guess i'm back on track. I've already picked out a #5. While i haven't told him who i am, I told him i'm not Jay so I guess he's only a #4.5 right now. He's been very understanding, so I guess NYH (who isn't NYH anymore, rather #3) was the only bump in the road.

In other words, i've been thinking of moving out of home. Everytime i decide to make the move I change my mind the next day but i think i'm actually going to do it this time. It may be just to a temporary place to start with but i have to get out of here. The people I live with are making me sick, i need to get away. I think i also may head somewhere for a vacation, just to relax and take my mind off everything.

Jay

Voting

To all of you who enjoy reading this blog, or those who came here by mistake and everyone else in between, please vote in the poll on the right. It only takes about 3.5 seconds :) And it'll really help me get a better idea of the way other people think.

thanks
J

4 is closer to 3 than it is to 1

Mathematically that's correct, but i wish it weren't so in my life. It's been 3 days since my last message to #4. He actually seemed ok with all this, but now i'm not so sure. I know its not the best feeling to have this sprung on you, but i didn't have much choice. Maybe me coming out to certain people is not a good idea. So far i've lost more than i've gained.

I'm sure someone out there will say if they don't want to be my friend during trying times, then they weren't a good friend to begin with, and while that may be true, the people i thought i felt comfortable coming out to are dropping like flies.

Someone told me he asked a random friend of his what he would do. His friend would've dumped me too. That doesn't bode well for my future!

Anyway, i've created a poll in the top right of this page. What would you do? Please vote, as i'd love to see what you think.

thanks,
Jay

Nothing much to report except......

I have been a bit quiet... due to the jewish holiday, but also i was in hospital today. Just had a small procedure done, and was discharged later in the day. I won't know the results for a week or two, but hopefully all will be well.

Thats really all i'm going to say. And great to see the number of readers on the rise, even if its only increasing slowly.

take care and good night,
Jay

Shavuos and other things

Shavuos is coming nearer and nearer, that's why we count the sefirah.... some of you are thinking what the hell am i on about. Well the festival of shavuos/shavuot/pentecost is coming up, so i probably won't be posting for a few days. Google it if you want to know more about it (HGF thats for you!).

In other news, i'm kind of halfway there to having a #4, seeing that #3 (NYH) was such a disaster maybe it will make up for it. Or maybe not, maybe it will make me less likely to come out to people in the future. #4, like #3 is a guy i've been in contact with, who i have also told i'm not really JM. I don't know how he'll handle it, but i'm prepared for the worst, and hoping for the best. After him there isn't anyone else.

To all my jewish readers chag sameach,
j

NYH Poll

So readers, what would you do? Should i tell NYH that i've blogged about him? Maybe he'll come to the party or leave him be? Would you rather know if you were in his position?

You can post anonymously so there's no reason not to :)

thanks
j

NYH part 2

It all started when i added NYH's details to my gmail account. I didnt' know what would become of it, but i sent him a chat invite too. I was online and about to log off, when he messages me. Just regular chit chat, but who wanted to know who this other guy was that had been poking and messaging him. I was going to tell him, until he said something like 'i don't know him, i havent met him, nor do i want to'. I felt like i'd been hit by a ton of bricks. 'He keeps pestering me.... and i was non responsive'. I didn't know what to say. I had HGF in another window telling me to just tell him. But i couldn't, not after all that. He didn't want to know me. I guess its understandable, i was just some random guy, but after the run i had i thought i would be different.

But in the end i just came out with it.

me: lol,
maybe he's nervous
ok
do u rememeber our previous conversations?
nyh: yeah. i think so
me: remember how i wouldn't meet u at the _____?
nyh: yeah
me: and i think i told u i had a secret?
nyh: right.
me: ummm I told u i wasnt jay
nyh: yeah yeah
me: but i didn't tell u who i was
nyh: nope
me: well i just did
nyh: ha! busted!

Well i didn't end feeling like i was falling off a cliff. He didn't sound mad, or upset. He asked me a few questions, and we ended it there. I sent him a couple emails since then and havent heard back. All i was looking for was a friend, but I guess that's enough of a sign.

jay

And NYH makes 3!

I did it, i actually did it! I told NYH who i really was. It was the craziest thing i've done in a while. I've got to rush off, so i'll tell you all about it later, but i just needed to tell the world!

jay

Developments... and why i love my blog

Let's see what's news on the home front. I have revealed more info to NYH, but haven't heard from him in over 2 days. I was preparing myself for something good, a great friendship, but it looks like i've been stood up, well he doesn't look like he wants to know me. I guess things were going well everywhere that i just figured it would continue like that. I don't know whether to message him again, or just leave him be.

I was chatting with someone online the other day, and he asked if i lived anywhere near a particular city. I thought he was trying to find out more about me, so i asked him why he asked. He said he'd been in touch with a therapist that lives there and if i wanted he could set up an appointment with her. She is pro gay and religious. WTF?! Maybe i'm taking this the wrong way, but i thought that was so patronizing and really got defensive. I'm sure he meant well and thought i might want to chat to someone, but gimme a break! Does anyone else go up to gay people and offer them therapists? Anyone need a proctologist? I'm sure i could recommend someone.

Right now there are issues going on in my life and at home, besides being gay. I kind of depend on you, my readers. So my blog is my main outlet, and thats why i love it!

Smiles all round!!! :)

Well for once i can say i'm happy where the 'gay' part of my life is going. I posted some of my story in a gay jewish forum, and had a number of people contacting me saying either they were in a similar situation, or just wanted to chat. Slowly but surely more people will find out about my sexuality and i think i'm ok with that. At least getting to chat to people without revealing who i am is a big first step, and who knows where it could lead. But i think it may also lead to complacency. I think everything is going great, and start letting people know who i am. The more people that know, the less in control i am of how the information spreads. Of course everyone i tell has probably been in a similar situation to me at some point. In addition, we don't seem to have any connection in our real lives. I would hope that they would keep my secret, but what if they slip up, accidentally? What then? Am i ready to deal with the consequences? I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet, but being in contact with more people will bring me that one step closer. I know someone who had a similar thing happen to him. He was out to a selection of people. Someone asked if they could tell one friend of his about him being gay. He said fine, only the info didn't stop there, and he had no control over who was going to find out, that is something that scares me, and i going to be at the forefront of my mind whever i think about telling someone.

One person I know i want to tell lives in NY. He's just a random hot guy that i'd been chatting with on facebook. He wouldn't confirm me as a friend because we'd never met. So he wanted to meet up, of course i said no. Usual story, eventually i told him i wouldn't meet him because i had some secrets, something i couldn't share with him. He seemed ok with it, and told me whenever i felt alright sharing it with him, to let him know. He'd keep my secret identity. So this week i decided to poke him. He was going to be #3. Only i haven't heard back from him yet. I've played the whole thing out in my mind how this is going to go, but so far, nothing. Not a peep, not a poke, not a 'do i know you?'. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I will call this guy NYH (as in New York hottie!). I know i'm so boring coming up with these things but i'm not going to mention his name, nor put up a pic of him, even though i'd like to.

Ok, what else has been going on... the chats i have with my news friends see to be of a similar format. There's the whole religious aspect, that just because i'm gay, it doesn't meen i have to give up on being religious. Just because i do one sin, i can try to keep all the other commandments, that kind of stuff, but they also ask me questions about sex. Such as would i like to be a top or bottom. Which is quite a funny question coming from a religious person, where the previous paragraph was talking about religion or god or something like that. One thing that ties them all together is that everyone appears to want to wait till that special someone comes along. Not 'losing my virginity' because the opportunity arose.

It actually made me think alot. I had decided i wanted to hold out for HGF. He was someone i cared about, someone i loved, and someone who loved and cared about me. He knew I wanted him to be my first (don't even ask about his whole situation, being in a relationship and all that and how it will work), I told him I wanted it. It was via email and i gave him an easy way out, but he was interested too :) . My only question now is am i holding myself back waiting for him? Obviously there would be logistical issues being that we're in 2 different countries, but would i be doing myself a disservice by waiting for the opportunity to experience it with him? I hope not, but there's only one way to find out! I know this is what i want and i'm willing to take that chance, even if it means giving up other opportunities along the way.

Of course that brings me to another question. What after then? HGF will always be there, but as much as we love each other we won't have the kind of relationship i'm looking for. So what next? Do i hook up with some friends i've made? Or will that friendship just end badly? If i'm not looking for a relationship just yet, then what am i looking for? Just a fun time? A one-off hookup with a hot boy i danced with at a club (pure speculation, honest! lol), oh life can be so difficult!

And I think this post is long enough so that's a good enough wrap up,
ciao
J

Am i alone in the WWW?

Actually i can answer that question myself. I know i'm not alone, even though it sometimes feels that way. I see people visiting, from different cities and different countries. I'm glad there are some people reading my blog. Maybe it helps them through some rough times, maybe not. But how about saying hi, just so i know you're out there? Share with us something about yourself. I promise i won't bite, well maybe just a little nibble ;)

jay

OMFG!!!! I've been outed! Or so i thought...

I almost had heart attack a few nights ago... but you need some background info first. I am a member of a group on facebonk. Its a jewish gay group, kind of a support group. Anyway its a secret group, and it doesn't appear on your list of groups, so really only other members know that you're a member. Jay was invited to join a while ago, and went through the members, and he recognized someone. I'll call him John Smith because i couldn't be bothered coming up with a cool fake name for him.

He was from my hometown, i wasn't friends with him, but i knew who he was. And i had no idea he was gay/bi!!! Anyway that was ages ago. Cut to this week, i get an email that 'John Smith has added you as a friend on facebook'. Only it wasn't to Jay's email. It was to my email! My real email, for my real profile. And thats when i almost had a heart attack. A million things were running through my head. How did he know Jay was me? Why would he add me? Who told him i was gay? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm not ready for this!

I had no idea what i would do from then on. Clearly you tell one person you're gay, you may as well have told the world. Eventually i logged in to facebook, it turns out it was a different John Smith, also someone from my hometown, a straight guy this time. You have absolutely no idea how relieved i was.

It has really made me rethink alot of things. There's no way i can come out to people, not ccb, not any of my friends, even if i think they can keep a secret. Once its out, it will spread and i will have no control over who knows.

ciao
Jay

Life, oh life

Recently i've been struggling through my days. Spending my days away from home has been a great relief, but i dread coming home at the end of the day. I stay in my room, and pretend there is nothing outside my door. My thoughts have become quite erratic. Ideas suddenly pop into my head and think about doing them without actually thinking them through. One of those was to come out to ccb. I don't know why, its not as if he'd care either way, but we barely know each other. Not exactly a person i think i should come out to, at least not yet.

Thinking about coming out, i suddenly didn't want to do it. The effect it'd have on everyone, the extra stress on me, i didn't want it. I thought about other options. The only options were to marry a girl, or to die prematurely, but none of those were ideal. I know it's fucked up be thinking that way, but i didn't see any other way. I didn't think i could live with the secrets i have,

At times i thought if only i went to sleep one night, and never woke up the next morning. That would be so much easier on me. I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap i'm going through.

I heard my mother talking about me on the phone. "... he acts like he doesn't want to get married... he needs a push... you talk to him, he won't talk to me... we have enough problems that we seem to forget about him." What a great conversation to overhear :/

In addtion, i get calls from people asking me if i want to date a girl, or from people telling me that a girl wants to date me, both at home and in other cities. It's like they're waiting for me. How am i supposed to say i'm not interested?

I just caught up on the last 2 episodes of Brothers and Sisters, and lots of shit has been happening. Saul, the old gay uncle just came out, and Kevin, one of the brothers, just had a commitment ceremony with Scotty. It really made me think alot. I don't really know what i want. Do i want to live a bachelor my whole life, keeping this a secret from everyone? Certainly not! But do i want to come out now? I don't think i could handle that either. What i want is an easy way out of this mess. Any ideas?

Jay

We have confirmation!

Just an update re: CCB. I friended him on facebook, and his status is all but confirmed. He has a boyfriend, well at least according to his profile page. But he just looks like he swings that way. HGF agreed with me 100%, so maybe my gaydar is working ;)

In other news i got a call from HGF this week. It was so great to hear his voice, it has been months since we spoke! Once we started it felt like we could talk forever, but eventually we had to say goodbye :( We must do it more often.

jay

My gay world just got a little bit bigger

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I'm baaaaaaack!

Hey y'all,

I'm back. It's been a while since i've posted. Lots of things have happened, some good, some not so good. But that's life i guess.

I had a huge fight with my parents, and almost moved out. That has settled down for the moment so those plans are on hold. At least i had HGF to calm me down when the going got tough.

I've made contact with someone in a similar situation to me, which is great to find someone who knows what i'm going through to talk with.

Also, i'm wondering if i should say something to CCB, or maybe drop a hint. It's exciting to think i might actually tell someone, yet makes me nervous as hell.

anyway, time to go,
ciao
J

Gay cellphone?

Ok, now what straight guy has an LG Prada cellphone??? I rest my case :)

Happy passover

Happy passover to all my readers. I'll be back early next week!

jay

cute college boy (ccb) part 3

Another day spent hanging around cute college boy (CCB). He just gets better and better! He was wearing a 'sailor' t-shirt, kind of like you'd expect to be worn in an ad for Jean Paul Gaultier Le Male. I also discovered he wears white CKs!



Well he didn't pull down his jeans for me so i could see if they were trunks or briefs, but it was a hot look! And i'm gonna see him again tomorrow :)

Cute college boy pt.2

So now i really think he's gay. We sat next to each other in a class. I was so nervous i couldn't even make eye contact for the first half hour. Eventually we got chatting about assessments, plans for next year. And he really sounds gay! Not effeminate, but i don't know any other way to describe it.

Oh well, so i may have confirmed it, not that it helps me much...

Help me out

I know i mentioned this before, but i'd love to read some of your comments. It makes me feel sane that i'm not talking to myself, lol. And you can do so anonymously so don't be shy!

Jay

Probably my alltime favorite song

I absolutely love this song. It's kind of our song (our being me and HGF). It's Apologize by One Republic & Timbaland. I could listen to it all day over and over. It sometimes gives me the chills just listening to it. It reminds me of the good times and the bad times, and it sometimes makes me want to cry. I love driving my car when this comes on the radio. I put up the volume to full blast. HGF, i miss you...