Recently i've been struggling through my days. Spending my days away from home has been a great relief, but i dread coming home at the end of the day. I stay in my room, and pretend there is nothing outside my door. My thoughts have become quite erratic. Ideas suddenly pop into my head and think about doing them without actually thinking them through. One of those was to come out to ccb. I don't know why, its not as if he'd care either way, but we barely know each other. Not exactly a person i think i should come out to, at least not yet.
Thinking about coming out, i suddenly didn't want to do it. The effect it'd have on everyone, the extra stress on me, i didn't want it. I thought about other options. The only options were to marry a girl, or to die prematurely, but none of those were ideal. I know it's fucked up be thinking that way, but i didn't see any other way. I didn't think i could live with the secrets i have,
At times i thought if only i went to sleep one night, and never woke up the next morning. That would be so much easier on me. I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap i'm going through.
I heard my mother talking about me on the phone. "... he acts like he doesn't want to get married... he needs a push... you talk to him, he won't talk to me... we have enough problems that we seem to forget about him." What a great conversation to overhear :/
In addtion, i get calls from people asking me if i want to date a girl, or from people telling me that a girl wants to date me, both at home and in other cities. It's like they're waiting for me. How am i supposed to say i'm not interested?
I just caught up on the last 2 episodes of Brothers and Sisters, and lots of shit has been happening. Saul, the old gay uncle just came out, and Kevin, one of the brothers, just had a commitment ceremony with Scotty. It really made me think alot. I don't really know what i want. Do i want to live a bachelor my whole life, keeping this a secret from everyone? Certainly not! But do i want to come out now? I don't think i could handle that either. What i want is an easy way out of this mess. Any ideas?
8 hours ago