Saturday, May 17, 2008

Life, oh life

Recently i've been struggling through my days. Spending my days away from home has been a great relief, but i dread coming home at the end of the day. I stay in my room, and pretend there is nothing outside my door. My thoughts have become quite erratic. Ideas suddenly pop into my head and think about doing them without actually thinking them through. One of those was to come out to ccb. I don't know why, its not as if he'd care either way, but we barely know each other. Not exactly a person i think i should come out to, at least not yet.

Thinking about coming out, i suddenly didn't want to do it. The effect it'd have on everyone, the extra stress on me, i didn't want it. I thought about other options. The only options were to marry a girl, or to die prematurely, but none of those were ideal. I know it's fucked up be thinking that way, but i didn't see any other way. I didn't think i could live with the secrets i have,

At times i thought if only i went to sleep one night, and never woke up the next morning. That would be so much easier on me. I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap i'm going through.

I heard my mother talking about me on the phone. "... he acts like he doesn't want to get married... he needs a push... you talk to him, he won't talk to me... we have enough problems that we seem to forget about him." What a great conversation to overhear :/

In addtion, i get calls from people asking me if i want to date a girl, or from people telling me that a girl wants to date me, both at home and in other cities. It's like they're waiting for me. How am i supposed to say i'm not interested?

I just caught up on the last 2 episodes of Brothers and Sisters, and lots of shit has been happening. Saul, the old gay uncle just came out, and Kevin, one of the brothers, just had a commitment ceremony with Scotty. It really made me think alot. I don't really know what i want. Do i want to live a bachelor my whole life, keeping this a secret from everyone? Certainly not! But do i want to come out now? I don't think i could handle that either. What i want is an easy way out of this mess. Any ideas?



Anonymous said...

How will going to sleep and not waking up will make it easier? I know it's hard babe, but think of the damage that will do to the people left behind. It's desperate and it's selfish.

Continue to talk to people and give it time. Don't rush things, the time will come when its right.

You have so much to look forward to, you might not see it right now but you do.

Jay said...

Mr anonymous, are you stalking me? lol. Like everything in life, i have my ups and downs. But i'm ok with it, and i won't be doing anything drastic!

I will give it lots of time, and i certainly won't rush anything.


Anonymous said...

Yes, I'm stalking you. lol.

Jay said...

Good! i'm enjoying it.

zach said...

The best way to come out, or be out is just to casually mention something that makes it obvious. So you say something to CCB about some guy you dated or a guy you were talking to in a really offhand way where it could almost go unnoticed. The less you are freaked out about it, the less others will. Trust me, it gets really easy like you wouldn't believe!

Jay said...

While that could work, i think i'm more comfortable telling people that don't live where i live right now. if that makes sense

Bobby said...

Reading this post made me feel so sad and lucky at the same time. I can't really say I know what you're going through as I've had it pretty easy with the whole gay thing.
I was really scared of my dad finding out and more so my mom who is a devout catholic! I know my dad is very open minded and all that, but I dwelled on the small and unlikely chance he'd kick me out of the house! I was around 16 that time.
Turns out I had nothing to fear because he already knew I was gay when I came out to him. He was just waiting for me to say something to him. All he said was 'I'm happy if you are happy. Just be careful.' I felt like I just won the lottery! I was so glad I didn't have to pretend about liking girls anymore and just be more like myself. My mom on the other hand had to wait about 10 years before I finally told her! Hmm I dunno where this was supposed to go, but I hope things work out for you when the time is right. You're are very nice guy and you deserve to be happy! Thanks for trusting me and allowing me to get to know the real you handsome! ;) ttuy x

Jay said...

Thanks bobby for your comment :)