Friday, November 14, 2008

Sorry

I can't say I didn't have it coming to me. First I was warned, then i was busted, and now i'm screwed. Well i thought I was. I spent the day freaking out. Someone I had revealed myself to decided I wasn't worth keeping a secret for. And he was right. Over the last few days i had revealed myself to a number of people. The all seemed to take the news ok. But one by one it became clear that they weren't interested in being friends. They may not have said it, but they didn't need to. There wasn't going to be any friendship or chatting. They may have been friends with Jay, but Jay didn't really exist. That pic? Not me. The name? Made up. My fb profile? Fake.

Yes I may have had my reasons. I am closeted, and aren't ready to show people who i really am. But it didn't change the fact. I had lied. I had manipulated. I had done things I wished I hadn't. The thing I wanted the most, friendship, i had managed to royally screw up. These people did not have friendships with me, they had friendships with Jay. And when Jay dissappears, so does the friendship. But there have been a handful that have stood by me. People that i trust. People that i can rely on if my world starts crumbling and need some help. One could argue all day whether the end justified the means. But i'm not here to argue.

So here I am. Not Jay. Just a nobody. And this nobody owes 2000 odd people an apology. I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say.

I think i may post this to facebook someday soon. I fully expect my 'friend' count to drop and continue dropping. And i will live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Me

11 comments:

Audrey B said...

I'm not mad at you.

David said...

It may drop initially, but then it will grow as people get to know the real you. I'll be here.

steve said...

Well Jay u r def not a nobody and I will stand by u and so will most of us. We have all and cont to to be in similar situations [have u seen my profile?] at least i gave credit to the guy who is "acting" as me, lol. so dont be worried its just life. maybe dont give away urself to ppl that may not be worth it. be well.

Jay said...

I know you're not Audrey. :)

Thanks David and steve, although telling people that I'm not really jay and telling people who i really am, are going to be 2 different steps, and it's getting hard to judge who is 'worth' coming out to.

Kevin Hall said...

You've always been a gentleman towards me. Your 30,000" birds eye view might not be so daunting. Take a breather and move on to people who embrace you.

Sean said...

Not Jay, I don't know you except as someone I met on facebook, and as Dr House says everybody lies. You made a choice and now you have made another choice. You have my support and friendship. Sean GC

Jonathan said...

Hey Jay, we're facebook mates, even though you don't REALLY know me thought I'd give you my thoughts.

Been outta the closet for almost 8 years now, and luckily enough for me, when I did come out, I didn't lose a single friend.

That said, I didn't feel I owed anyone of them an apology. Just think, how would they have handled being closeted? They have no idea the fear, insecurity and neuroses that come with being closeted. You handled it the best you could, they either are big enough to accept that, or, they're just not the kind of "friends" you want/need.

Word of advice moving forward, coming out is really just step 1, the learning curve you're embarking on now is much much much steeper. You'll surprise yourself a lot, as for the first time, your reactions to people/situations will be genuine and not overthought through according to what you think people expect from you.

It gets easier - so don't despair - someday you'll look back and laugh. Congrats on coming out :-)

Grant Visser said...

It's beautiful to see you in your real light. I wish you all the love, self acceptance, beauty and amazing friendship and sense of belonging that comes with honesty of ones self. I look forward to meeting you one day soon. Granti from Facebook xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jay said...

Thanks all for your comments :) Lots of food for thought

Anonymous said...

anyone that comes out in the frum community is looking for constant abuse, ridicule, and disdain. The only other option is the slippery slope, gay, non kosher boat rides in Manhattan with jqj. No more kosher, from now on, cultural Judaism, shallow living, and the best liner and mascara money can buy.

MACS

Jay said...

Seriously dude, i dunno who you are. You come off as an arrogant twit who is probably closeted, married, with a guy on the side, and who is clueless about anything to do with gay life. so take your eyeliner and mascara and shove it.