Saturday, May 24, 2008

Am i alone in the WWW?

Actually i can answer that question myself. I know i'm not alone, even though it sometimes feels that way. I see people visiting, from different cities and different countries. I'm glad there are some people reading my blog. Maybe it helps them through some rough times, maybe not. But how about saying hi, just so i know you're out there? Share with us something about yourself. I promise i won't bite, well maybe just a little nibble ;)

jay

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

OMFG!!!! I've been outed! Or so i thought...

I almost had heart attack a few nights ago... but you need some background info first. I am a member of a group on facebonk. Its a jewish gay group, kind of a support group. Anyway its a secret group, and it doesn't appear on your list of groups, so really only other members know that you're a member. Jay was invited to join a while ago, and went through the members, and he recognized someone. I'll call him John Smith because i couldn't be bothered coming up with a cool fake name for him.

He was from my hometown, i wasn't friends with him, but i knew who he was. And i had no idea he was gay/bi!!! Anyway that was ages ago. Cut to this week, i get an email that 'John Smith has added you as a friend on facebook'. Only it wasn't to Jay's email. It was to my email! My real email, for my real profile. And thats when i almost had a heart attack. A million things were running through my head. How did he know Jay was me? Why would he add me? Who told him i was gay? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm not ready for this!

I had no idea what i would do from then on. Clearly you tell one person you're gay, you may as well have told the world. Eventually i logged in to facebook, it turns out it was a different John Smith, also someone from my hometown, a straight guy this time. You have absolutely no idea how relieved i was.

It has really made me rethink alot of things. There's no way i can come out to people, not ccb, not any of my friends, even if i think they can keep a secret. Once its out, it will spread and i will have no control over who knows.

ciao
Jay

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Life, oh life

Recently i've been struggling through my days. Spending my days away from home has been a great relief, but i dread coming home at the end of the day. I stay in my room, and pretend there is nothing outside my door. My thoughts have become quite erratic. Ideas suddenly pop into my head and think about doing them without actually thinking them through. One of those was to come out to ccb. I don't know why, its not as if he'd care either way, but we barely know each other. Not exactly a person i think i should come out to, at least not yet.

Thinking about coming out, i suddenly didn't want to do it. The effect it'd have on everyone, the extra stress on me, i didn't want it. I thought about other options. The only options were to marry a girl, or to die prematurely, but none of those were ideal. I know it's fucked up be thinking that way, but i didn't see any other way. I didn't think i could live with the secrets i have,

At times i thought if only i went to sleep one night, and never woke up the next morning. That would be so much easier on me. I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap i'm going through.

I heard my mother talking about me on the phone. "... he acts like he doesn't want to get married... he needs a push... you talk to him, he won't talk to me... we have enough problems that we seem to forget about him." What a great conversation to overhear :/

In addtion, i get calls from people asking me if i want to date a girl, or from people telling me that a girl wants to date me, both at home and in other cities. It's like they're waiting for me. How am i supposed to say i'm not interested?

I just caught up on the last 2 episodes of Brothers and Sisters, and lots of shit has been happening. Saul, the old gay uncle just came out, and Kevin, one of the brothers, just had a commitment ceremony with Scotty. It really made me think alot. I don't really know what i want. Do i want to live a bachelor my whole life, keeping this a secret from everyone? Certainly not! But do i want to come out now? I don't think i could handle that either. What i want is an easy way out of this mess. Any ideas?

Jay

Friday, May 16, 2008

We have confirmation!

Just an update re: CCB. I friended him on facebook, and his status is all but confirmed. He has a boyfriend, well at least according to his profile page. But he just looks like he swings that way. HGF agreed with me 100%, so maybe my gaydar is working ;)

In other news i got a call from HGF this week. It was so great to hear his voice, it has been months since we spoke! Once we started it felt like we could talk forever, but eventually we had to say goodbye :( We must do it more often.

jay

Thursday, May 8, 2008

My gay world just got a little bit bigger


Isn't he just HOT?!?! He's one of the guys whose images appear on manhunt.net's homepage.

Ok now that we have the hot guy out of the way we can move on to some more serious stuff. At some point along my blog travels i came across a blog, written by any orthodox jewish father, which he began after his son came out. (Yeah every jewish mother's nightmare, lol). I had been reading the blog, and then a couple weeks ago i thought, why don't i get in touch with his son. I emailed him and his son was willing to contact me, so i thought great! We've been emailing back and forth, and its been great to be able to chat with someone on a similar page as me. We may have slightly different backgrounds, but we're both struggling with the same thing. Maybe we can help each other get though it, or at least get over the stumbling blocks that are holding us (me?!) back.

Anyway so we were chatting, i knew his first name, he knew me as Jay, which he knew wasn't my name. I started thinking about coming out to him. So i just asked him, "are you on facebook?" Which has been the classic line, amongst some people i know. They meet someone, or get introduced to someone, the next question is are you on facebook. And he was, so i thought well it couldn't be that bad. I was tossing up between telling him who i was and keeping it to myself. On one hand, we had only been chatting a short time, on the other we were in a similar position. I wasn't sure what to do.

And then i thought back to when i came out to HGF. I had no idea what it would be like, to actually tell someone my name is _______ and i'm gay.( Sounds kinda like an AA group meeting, lol). But i did it, and waited for my life to fall apart, only it didn't, and i guess i always knew it wouldn't, but you never know until you step over the edge. So i thought how bad can it be? So i did it again. It was easier this time around, in that i'd had some experience doing it before. But it still wasn't easy. And i'm not comfortable telling people around me. My family, my friends. I'm not ready to tell anyone close to me. But it's a first step, and thats what matters.

BTW, CCB was in the same room the whole time this was going on, lol. Maybe i should let him in on the secret ;)

J

PS His dad's blog is at kirtzono.blogspot.com

Thursday, May 1, 2008

I'm baaaaaaack!

Hey y'all,

I'm back. It's been a while since i've posted. Lots of things have happened, some good, some not so good. But that's life i guess.

I had a huge fight with my parents, and almost moved out. That has settled down for the moment so those plans are on hold. At least i had HGF to calm me down when the going got tough.

I've made contact with someone in a similar situation to me, which is great to find someone who knows what i'm going through to talk with.

Also, i'm wondering if i should say something to CCB, or maybe drop a hint. It's exciting to think i might actually tell someone, yet makes me nervous as hell.

anyway, time to go,
ciao
J