Sunday, June 1, 2008

Smiles all round!!! :)

Well for once i can say i'm happy where the 'gay' part of my life is going. I posted some of my story in a gay jewish forum, and had a number of people contacting me saying either they were in a similar situation, or just wanted to chat. Slowly but surely more people will find out about my sexuality and i think i'm ok with that. At least getting to chat to people without revealing who i am is a big first step, and who knows where it could lead. But i think it may also lead to complacency. I think everything is going great, and start letting people know who i am. The more people that know, the less in control i am of how the information spreads. Of course everyone i tell has probably been in a similar situation to me at some point. In addition, we don't seem to have any connection in our real lives. I would hope that they would keep my secret, but what if they slip up, accidentally? What then? Am i ready to deal with the consequences? I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet, but being in contact with more people will bring me that one step closer. I know someone who had a similar thing happen to him. He was out to a selection of people. Someone asked if they could tell one friend of his about him being gay. He said fine, only the info didn't stop there, and he had no control over who was going to find out, that is something that scares me, and i going to be at the forefront of my mind whever i think about telling someone.

One person I know i want to tell lives in NY. He's just a random hot guy that i'd been chatting with on facebook. He wouldn't confirm me as a friend because we'd never met. So he wanted to meet up, of course i said no. Usual story, eventually i told him i wouldn't meet him because i had some secrets, something i couldn't share with him. He seemed ok with it, and told me whenever i felt alright sharing it with him, to let him know. He'd keep my secret identity. So this week i decided to poke him. He was going to be #3. Only i haven't heard back from him yet. I've played the whole thing out in my mind how this is going to go, but so far, nothing. Not a peep, not a poke, not a 'do i know you?'. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I will call this guy NYH (as in New York hottie!). I know i'm so boring coming up with these things but i'm not going to mention his name, nor put up a pic of him, even though i'd like to.

Ok, what else has been going on... the chats i have with my news friends see to be of a similar format. There's the whole religious aspect, that just because i'm gay, it doesn't meen i have to give up on being religious. Just because i do one sin, i can try to keep all the other commandments, that kind of stuff, but they also ask me questions about sex. Such as would i like to be a top or bottom. Which is quite a funny question coming from a religious person, where the previous paragraph was talking about religion or god or something like that. One thing that ties them all together is that everyone appears to want to wait till that special someone comes along. Not 'losing my virginity' because the opportunity arose.

It actually made me think alot. I had decided i wanted to hold out for HGF. He was someone i cared about, someone i loved, and someone who loved and cared about me. He knew I wanted him to be my first (don't even ask about his whole situation, being in a relationship and all that and how it will work), I told him I wanted it. It was via email and i gave him an easy way out, but he was interested too :) . My only question now is am i holding myself back waiting for him? Obviously there would be logistical issues being that we're in 2 different countries, but would i be doing myself a disservice by waiting for the opportunity to experience it with him? I hope not, but there's only one way to find out! I know this is what i want and i'm willing to take that chance, even if it means giving up other opportunities along the way.

Of course that brings me to another question. What after then? HGF will always be there, but as much as we love each other we won't have the kind of relationship i'm looking for. So what next? Do i hook up with some friends i've made? Or will that friendship just end badly? If i'm not looking for a relationship just yet, then what am i looking for? Just a fun time? A one-off hookup with a hot boy i danced with at a club (pure speculation, honest! lol), oh life can be so difficult!

And I think this post is long enough so that's a good enough wrap up,

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