Friday, June 27, 2008

If i had to describe how I feel...

If I had to describe how I feel right now.... it would be shattered. Not that anyone did anything to me, but it's something i did to myself.

I think i've mentioned before how much i liked HGF. He's the sweetest, most amazing guy i've ever met (and so hot!). He's also in a relationship with another guy. An open relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. It felt like we had more than a great friendship, we had an amazing bond and nothing could change that. Well thats how i felt about him and i think that's how he felt about me. I wasn't exactly relationship material, but i didn't care. He was in a relationship and I wasn't looking for much, only friendship.

But the closer we got, the more and more I liked him. And when I finally came out to him, a great burden felt gone, and I could finally be 100% straight with him. He really took me under his wing, and taught me so much. He would always be the first guy I trusted with my secret. And i was beginning to fall for him. Sometime around our first meeting, in an email to him I told him that I wanted him to be my first. It was going to be difficult to organize, but I wanted it so badly. He would be perfect. I loved him, I trusted him. I knew he would take things slowly (or fast if i wanted it). He would let me be in control, making sure it was a special, memorable experience. I guess the issue was I expected it to happen, and it was only a matter of when.

There were a few occasions where it looked like we could organise it, be in the same city at the same time. It was going to be perfect. I dreamed about it, i think i even wrote about it. I was going to turn up at his hotel room, he would answer the door and I would give him the biggest hug and kiss i could. I wouldn't let go of him. I wanted to touch him, to feel him, to have him. And I wanted him to have me. The kiss would be even better than our first kiss (which was incredible), back in NYC. But i'd be able to kiss more of him. His ear lobes. His neck. His shoulders. I'd undo his shirt buttons, make my way to his pecs and nipples and abs kissing him all over. I'd begin to open his jeans, button by button, waiting for my surprise :) Ok clearly heading off track.

The reason of this post is that HGF and his partner have decided to turn their open relationship, into a monogomous one. Yay for them, and i'm really happy for them. I think it's a big step and a step in the right direction. Maybe i'm just too conservative and don't 'get' the whole open relationship thing. I mean if you're fucking other guys then whats the point of calling it a relationship? I know saying that is sacrilege in the gay world, but so be it.

But i'm really mad. Not at him, but at myself. Obviously this wasn't going to be a definite thing, especially with the distance between us. But in my mind it was only a matter of when. It was supposed to be special and perfect and with him. I was ready for it. I wanted it. I didn't want to have to find someone else that i liked enough and wanted to be my first. I don't know how I feel. I said shattered. Maybe heart broken is better. Or stupid. I cannot believe I'm not going to have another chance at kissing those beautiful lips... :(

And there wasn't a lack of people warning me about this. One guy told me it wasn't healthy for me to be in 'waiting for HGF' like this rather than being open to other guys and seeing what happens. Another didn't get it either. He commented that if HGF couldn't love me back in the same way that I loved him, then really what was the point of pursuing it with him.

They both made good points. I just wanted to believe that it would happen someday. I guess that job is now up for grabs. Any takers?

In other news, #4.5 is now #5. He's been so for less than a week and is amazingly cool with everything. We've been chatting quite alot over the last 5-6 days. Obviously alot is advice and general chit chat. But i'm wondering if it's too much. We've had a couple of MSN chats that went on for hours! While they were fun, and interesting, I think it might be too much - for him, not for me, i love it! Should I cut back on the chatting and emails and messages on facebook?

enjoy your weekend!
ciao
J

10 comments:

Audrey B said...

Dear Jay,
I do not wish to be intrusive, but have you considered getting therapy. I ask because it sounds like you are carrying a lot of emotional baggage, and I think it would lessen your load to be able to talk to a professional. I want you to think about it. Love,
Audrey B

Jay said...

Thanks but no thanks Audrey. Yes i've got a lot to deal with, life is hard. But i'm managing, i think.

jay

Audrey B said...

Dear Jay,
If you would have trouble paying for it, perhaps you could look up low cost mental health care on the internet. If you want to keep it a secret, maybe you could call the number on a pay-phone and ask for some advice in that area. You wouldn't be the first Jew to see a psychologist.

Audrey B said...

E.T.A.:Love, Audrey B

Jay said...

Thanks audrey for your advice, but i'm not changing my mind.

j

Audrey B said...

Dear Jay,
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always available. Love,
Audrey B

Jay said...

Thanks Audrey. Just curious, are you a psychologist?

j

Audrey B said...

Dear Jay,
No I'm not, I'm just a girl with an unfortunate history of psychological problems. I remember how much it helped me to have someone to talk to. Even if it was for an hour a week, at fifty-five dollars an hour. My problems made it difficult for me to make friends, so that was often the only human contact I had. I would've liked to have had someone care about me who wasn't paid to do so. I tell you what, if you post your e-mail, I'll send you an e-mail with whatever you want in it (specify the subject header you want as well). Love,
Audrey B

Jay said...

Thanks Audrey for your offer, but i won't be taking you up on it.

jay

Anonymous said...

really?