Monday, June 21, 2010

I like you. I hate you. I like you... I guess I hate you

A slightly edited letter I sent to him way back...

Well i don't know where to begin, this would've been so much better said in person months ago, but better now than never. I've tried phoning to talk but i'm a complete wuss. I've had this going through my head since then, i can't explain why it's taken this long. It's about sydney, and it may bring up things that you aren't interested in hearing, but i need to clear it up once and for all, for me. I hope you get through to the end without pressing delete.

For the record i wasn't pissed off at you that you cancelled on me again that night in sydney. Ok i wasn't as pissed off about that as i was about something else. In fact if you hadn't cancelled on me that night i would've been asking what the fuck was wrong with you? Yeah we had plans but this is your _____ we're talking about, ______ was in hospital and needed you and there was no way i expected you to put me before _____. It was more the way you did it. After what happened in NY i was kind of hoping for something more. Yeah NY was a screwup, but again what made it worse was the way it happened. You were going nuts about losing your phones, but even had you not lost them i have my doubts whether i would've gotten to see you. We had plans, but first you were going to visit X & Y. which turned into dinner with X & Y, which turned into drinks with X & Y. It was like I was nothing more than your backup plan, if you had nothing to do, then you get me, otherwise if something better comes along, well forget about me. That's what bothered me the most.

Clearly i'm too sensitive about these things, but i brushed it all off. Shit happens, there'll be another time. And there was. It was really great to see you in down here. And then when sydney came up i jumped at the chance. Only it didn't turn out as i'd hoped. I mean for one thing that night did you have to cancel via sms? After all those messages that you're looking forward, and then you  were leaving work, and then you have to cancel? A call would've been nice. And even doing it by sms, did you even think what you were writing? Instead of telling me that you HAVE to help ____ out and you HAVE to _______ and i HAVE to understand (i did understand, i'm not a prick) how about something like i'm sorry that i have to cancel on you again. It would've gone a heck of a lot further. An 'i wish we could've caught up' would've done the trick too.

Maybe i'm just asking for too much, but all i wanted was some kind of indication that you actually had an interest in hanging out, rather than you were only doing it because almost every other time we'd made plans i'd gotten stuffed around, or because you knew i wanted to see you and had made the trip up to sydney. And i never really got it. You weren't the sole reason for my trip, but you were part of it. I was going to make the trip over xmas/New Years when i had friends off from work. Then i thought what the fuck was the point of going to sydney if you were overseas?

Ok getting back to the point. Maybe i pay too much attention to things you tell me, and you did say you'd have more time for me over the weekend than during the week, so i let all slide, thinking eventually i'd hear from you. One day passed, 2 days passed, 3 days pass, and nothing. I have people people asking me if i saw you, if i'd been hanging out with you, if i'd heard back from you yet. Heck, even my mother asked if hung out with you when i got back. But eventually i practically gave up, and went out. I updated my status that I was in ________. And thats when i hear from you. Sometimes i wonder if you hadn't seen that i was around there, if you would've actually bothered to get in touch. And thats when i let you have it. I'm sorry i went nuts at you then but i was seriously pissed.

The fact is i'm a suck, and i like you, and wish this whole thing never happened and we were still friends. You're not interested in dealing with any drama and i get that. I'm not sure what i expect with this, i needed to vent, it was 2 long fucking months with this shit flying around in my head. What you do with it is up to you, if you reply or if you choose never to get in touch again, so be it. I'm glad things are working out with you and the bf and your family and work. I really am, and i'm sorry you have to deal with all my drama.

Have a good night, and i leave the ball in your court.

That was it. I never did get a response. I just don't understand him. And i'm completely over it. I think

Well of course there's always a postscript. A few months later and funnily enough we're still in touch. On one hand occasionally he's been just as much of a prick as in the past. On the other he still tries to keep in touch. I was in Sydney recently (more on that in another post) and he invited me over (and more on that in another post). He sent me a birthday card, the only one i got! It's just weird. Now that he got me to the point where I was all riled up and mad off at him, suddenly he starts acting like I wish he'd acted all along.

I just don't know what to do any more...