Monday, March 31, 2008

Facebonk and Coming Out

Facebook is great! I absolutely love it. My life is on facebook. Family, friends, if i go on vacation, check out my pics on facebook. I haven't yet reached the stage when if introduced to someone i'll ask if they're on facebook, though i have some friends who do that, so i just add them that way, lol. Thats my real life facebook profile.

Then i have my fake profile. Lots of hot guy as friends, hot gay groups, the works, everything i'd be scared of doing on my real profile. I have these great chats with these hot guys, and its alot of fun. But what happens when someone wants to take things to the next step?

There is only 1 guy who knows the real me. I don't know why i came out to him, but i just felt comfortable chatting with him, like i could share this huge secret, and somehow get this huge weight off my shoulder. And it worked out great (he's the guy i mentioned in my last post about facebook). But it doesn't always turn out like that. You chat with random guys, find out about their life, where they're from, what they do. There was one other guy, he said he was a model (well ex-model, he'd left the industry and wasn't completely out), and once i told him Jay wasn't really Jay, he kind of went ballistic, well not ballistic, but it was kind of like "after everything i told you about me...." until i had to say back that i didn't even know his name, only that his pic was hot! That contact fizzled out i guess after that. We still poke each other every now and then, lol, but thats about it.

I guess that showed me the different ways my coming out to people could turn out. I've had people message me, wanting to hook up, or just head out for a drink. And there's nothing wrong with that and normally i'd have no problems going out for a drink. But how do you tell someone that this guy they've been chatting to all this time, well he doesn't exist. Those pics? He found them on a blog somewhere. Still wanna head out for a drink? I make up excuse after excuse about why i can't. I'm busy, sick, outta town, overseas, working, studying, got a boyfriend. Eventually they give up and think i'm not interested. But they're wrong, i'm sooooooo interested, but who knows how they'll take things? Will it blow up in my face?

I just had someone email me. He's a guy i've chatted with every now and then on fb. He's hot! He knows i think he's hot. He wants to know more about me. He lives in a different country, so i'm not worried he'll show up on my doorstep expecting someone else. But where do you go from here? How do i expect to make any real friendships or relationships when i'm hiding who i am from everyone who wants to try and get close?

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Being gay and what it means to me

If you surf long enough reading gay blogs you're bound to come across a bunch of bloggers who say something to the extent of 'I'm gay, i'm proud to be gay, it's part of who i am, and part of my identity and i wouldn't change anything even if i could'. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there like that.

I fall on the other side of the coin. I hate being gay. I hate needing to live a secret life. I hate what being gay has done to my life. It has caused so much stress over the past 13 odd years and it just gets worse. There were times when i thought about suicide. Not that i made plans to off myself (i'm too much of a wuss for that), its just that death would've been so much easier than life. Well maybe for me, but for everyone around me it would've been hell. I couldn't do it to my family. I couldn't do it to my friends. I just couldn't do it.

So to conclude. Being gay means being a minority, being discriminated against, being too scared to tell people who i really am, harboring so many secrets with noone to tell. Being gay means living through hell, one day at a time.

Matchmake, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch

Dating can be great, but i hate it. Here's some insight to what its like. On the religious scene, there are different methods of dating, depending on your [family's] level of observance. There are those who date like people in the rest of the world. You see a girl, ask her out, get her number, and then you date. On the other side of the spectrum you have the very religious families. A suggestion might be made for you and you meet the girl in the parents home or talk on the phone. Before you know it, you're married with 12 kids under the age of 10 running around.

Of course there is a middle path, which is where i fall. People will call me or my parents and say i've got a great girl for you. She's tall and beautiful and smart and outgoing and this and that. Here's some of her friends and references if you want to call to find out more about her. Someone makes some calls, sounds great, maybe even get a pic of the girl. Decide to date, speak to the girl, pick her up or meet in the city, have a blast, date for a while, maybe fall in love, if she's the one, get engaged, married, live happily ever after.

Well thats how things are supposed to work. But if you're gay then what the hell are you supposed to do? You can't not date at all, because that will only raise suspicions. But i can't say i've ever had a very good date in a while. They're often nerve wracking, and after each girl i have to come up with a reason why i don't want to continue dating this girl. She's ugly (i never said i want a supermodel, but there's a limit), she's stupid (i am pretty smart so i would want someone i can have an intelligent conversation with), she's too quiet (i did all the talking), she's immature (thats why i prefer the older girls to the younger ones). The point is i have to keep up appearances, which when you get to a ripe old age of 26, is not only hard to do, but you're already considered almost over the hill.

I guess i can say i've had it easy in that every girl i've dated, i've always managed to find a reason why i didn't like that girl. But what happens if i had dated a girl that ticked most of the boxes? It would've been hell deciding what to do. Do i hope i can continue with it, and keep my homosexuality a secret? Or do i dump her and come out eventually? Getting married would be so much easier, yet so much harder as well. The pressure to settle down with a girl and live a regular life would be gone, but what about the added pressure of getting married to someone i don't love? Supposedly spending a lifetime together, with someone i can't have a loving relationship with. And then there's the sex. Could i even do it? Would the marriage be over in the first week? Would we both be 'damaged goods?' The what-ifs are mind boggling.

Life will be hell if i do, and hell if i don't. And there isn't a third option.


Thursday, March 27, 2008

My latest fuck

This is one thing you're not gonna read about here. I'm sure it'd bring in the crowds if thats what i wrote about but i don't kiss and tell ;) . Ok, who am i kidding. I need to get laid! This virgin wonders who his first will be, and when it will be. It's not exactly easy for me to just walk into a local gay bar, find a hot guy and head back to his place for some lovin'. Though i'd love to feel comfortable enough to be able to do that... one day. Until then, it's gonna be just me and my hand. And yes, that Pink song was written about me.


Wednesday, March 26, 2008


I could spend all day (and all night) reading, blog after blog, link after link. I find a new blog, and i start going through the archives, wondering why i hadn't seen that particular one earlier.

Anyway, i posted some links to some of my faves, at least what i can remember off the top of my head. I probably update when i'm feeling fresh and my mind is working better.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Are you on fakebook?

I'm on fakebook. No, not facebook, fakebook. I have a fake facebook profile. I know its against the T&Cs but thats life. I have hundred's of friends, who think they're chatting with and chatting up someone else. I have a few fake pics (found on google), and i'm loving it. Most of my friends tend to be hot guys with great bods (i wonder why, lol), we have hot chats and do everything else people do on facebook.

Yet its all fake. I'm very careful what i tell people because i'm scared. I have no info that could possibly reveal much about me or where i'm from or anything like that. I tell people some bits about me that is truthful, but i make sure to keep my real life (and my real facebook profile separate). It's hard to keep track of what i've told people as it all has to flow and make sense.

There are a few people who know that i'm not really who they think i am (if that even makes sense) and there is one person, that's right ONE person who knows who I really am. He knows alot about my life struggles and is learning more about me every day. Of course i met him thru my fake facebook profile, the usual friend of a friend. We got chatting, after a good few months worth i came out to him. It was one of the most difficult things i had to do, but i trusted him. I'm still not sure why, but i did. Part of me was waiting for my life to collapse around me, but nothing happened. In fact we've just gotten closer.

He has a partner, so nothing can or will happen between us (not that i'm looking for someone) but our friendship/relationship is evolving. Before i came out to him we used to write sex stories to each other, kind of like i'd write some, then he'd continue and so on. I loved reading about what he'd like to do to me if we had some time alone ;) But that was all fantasy. Once i told him who i was things got more serious. He began to learn more about me, and about my life, and about my struggles. Family, friends, dating, work, study, everything. Our chats turned into discussions on life, not sex chats.

I think though i can leave that for another post.

good night

Saturday, March 22, 2008


Welcome to my blog. I don't know why i'm starting this, but let's see where it goes. I'm an avid reader of blogs, gay blogs of course. There's a huge variety of them, some talk about life, some deal with sexual conquests, lots of them have some hot pictures and/or vids. Well this is about my life. My gay jewish religious closeted life. And why it sux.