Sunday, July 20, 2014

Life is what you make of it, but I don't know what to make of these...

Thinking back over the past weeks and months i've met some people that really have done my head in. I've talked about one guy already, the one who didn't know what he wanted and changed his mind every 5 seconds. Anyway, we basically settled on staying friends. Which seemed to be fine, until he went dark. At one point he wanted to have dinner with me and then the next he just completely stopped replying to all my texts. Weeks of nothing and then suddenly it's started up again, very slowly. I get the odd snapchat (g rated) from him and I may reply and that's about it. I don't know what the hell that is all about.

Then there was guy #2. We 'met' on scruff. Chatting and texting constantly. Eventually we caught up, meaning I went over to his place and had a couple drinks, finally chatting face to face. Well one thing lead to another, as it always does and we fooled around after which I went home. The next morning I sent him a text thanking him for a fun night. His reply? "No good :(" Not sure what the fuck that was supposed to mean. Certainly it wasn't a positive one. I replied with I think an ok, got it. Or something like that, actually disappointed. Eventually he texted me an apologised as that message wasn't meant for me. Really? WTF. He called, very apologetic about the whole thing, insisted that he had fun and did want to catch up again. Ok he convinced me.

The usual thing happens, lots of texts, chatting away. One day we made more plans. It was firm in that we were doing something, but hadn't finalised what we were going to do. He finishes work at 9. Of course I don't hear another word, until after midnight. He wants me to come over. Um no, so much for finishing work at 9? Oh he finished later and then went out for drinks with colleagues from work. Of course I don't hear from him for a while (like a few weeks) and I think back to when he had to convince me that he really did want to see me again. And I wonder if that was really true... He apologised for being a bad friend and I think things might be back to normal.

I got some travel under my belt, came back a few weeks later and texted him. The response? "Who is this? lol". I guess he didn't save my number, and deleted our message history. Just wonderful. He tried to guess who I was, and was not even in the ball park. After a few clues he figured out who I was, but still didn't remember what my name was. I had thought he was a nice guy, but there's only so many times you'll accept an apology before giving up on someone. And I think i've reached that point now.

Onto guy #3. This was a guy from the gym. I tend to be a more shy and reserved kinda guy. I don't normally approach random guys, i'm not forward in the slightest. But there was this guy, quite attractive and whenever he saw me at the gym he checked me out. That was it. Eventually I began doing the same. Like I'd go to the gym and hope to see him there. One day as I was leaving he saw me and stopped his workout and just looked. I smiled and stupid me instead of actually turning around and going up to him I continued walking out. I was so annoyed with myself, so the next time I saw him I made sure to go up to him and have a chat. I never ever do that so finally I grew some balls.

We had a nice chat at the gym and I was gonna head off so I asked for his number. And he wouldn't give it to me. Or he said he couldn't. It was a work phone and with the work that he did he wasn't allowed to give his number out. Weird I know but I was ok with that and gave him my own number. Of course I had no way to reach him so either I would see him at the gym next or I'd get a phone call. Waiting and waiting and waiting. He called me 3 loooooong days later. Obviously we live in the modern world and i'm used to being able to contact someone I want to instantly. Heck, i'm even used to contacting people I don't like instantly, can you imagine how crazy I must've been going waiting for this phone call?

I had posted a couple questions on facebook about him. Is it normal for someone not to be able to give you their number because they only have a work phone? Responses ranged from 'yes' to 'no he just didn't want to give you his number' and 'just likes the chase'. The next question was how long is normal to expect contact from someone you gave your number to. Most were along the lines of 1-2 days max. I told him what my friends thought of him lol. I saw him at the gym that night and I pushed him on a few things. How about an app on his phone that I can message him on? No not grindr, there are messaging apps out there, he wouldn't have to give me his number but I could message him when I wanted and so could he.

I also asked him how his friends ever contact him. Do they send an email and hope for a quick reply? I pushed on some other things as well. At what point does someone get his number? Dating? In a relationship? move in together? Marriage? It was mostly in jest but I think the whole 'I can't give you my number' is a bit weird. Saw him again at the gym the following night, had a bit of a chat. And then the next morning I get a phone call from a blocked number. Yep it's him. He thinks he's going to get a personal mobile phone. And he thinks we should stay friends. He thinks i'm funny and a cool guy to be around but he's not looking for a relationship and he believes I am. He would love to hang out, be friends, maybe work out together, that's it. He'd like to introduce me to one of his friends (still not sure if i'm supposed to be friends with this other guy or i'm supposed to date him). I was a bit lost for words.

We hadn't dated, we've barely had a few conversations, 2 of those were just mid workout at the gym. What kind of crap was that? Yeah I know I may have pushed him a bit but thats just bullshit. Obviously being comfortable and friendly with each other is important, but i'd be open to seeing where things go. I wasn't saying we're going to get married, but who closes things off before you've even started? No-one spends a few weeks checking someone out at the gym and thinks "i'd like to be his friend".

That's where we currently are and that's what i'm going to tell him next time I see him. As for being his friend, I just don't know. I have no problems making friends, and the more friends the merrier. But this whole thing has just pissed me off.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Dating

Dating, I don't date. Or so my friends tell me. One in fact said he'd love to meet the guy I agree to date because I don't date. Maybe I just don't really consider it dating until it starts getting serious when I am actually dating. Maybe i'm commitment phobic. Maybe I just seem to pick the wrong guys.

There was this one guy. We met at a jewish social event and started chatting on facebook soon after. Then we made (potential) plans to catch up, and then it went downhill. It was Christmastime, he said he'd try but work was crazy at the time and after Christmas he was going overseas for a month. So it might be some till we actually caught up. I will say I wasn't looking at it as a date but maybe there was potential down the track. Even a mutual friend gave his approval, lol.

When he got back from overseas I got in touch. He was still keen but let me know he'd started seeing someone and wasn't sure if I still wanted to catch up that being the case. Well I was still keen. Like I said, I wasn't looking at it like a date, but still it stung a little. At times when he was free I was busy or outta town, when I was in town he was interstate for work. It looked like it'd never happen. Eventually we caught up for drinks. Four freaking months after we first met. I thought it went well, we got along well, and i'm always happy to have a new mate to hang out with.

When the night ended and went downhill. I said we should catch up again, and hopefully sooner than 4 months. He said something along the lines 'i'm sure i'll see you at the next event' (from the group where we met initially). Well that was a big thumbs down if I'd ever heard one. Basically I don't want to hang out but I'm sure i'm bump into you at some point in the future. Yay me. Fuck guys.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Round 2. Argh!

So you probably remember this guy. A wise man told me to forget about him and not to do anything stupid, i.e. shag him. But i'm a woos. While we didn't shag, we kind of made up for the miscommunication about midsumma and he still wants to hang out. I told him a shag would need a discussion before it even had a remote chance of happening, but I was happy to hang out as mates no problem. So we made plans to hang out.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate deciding what to do. Let someone else pick, or at least give me some options if I'm the one who's gonna make the decision. He wouldn't have a bar of it. I had no clue what he enjoys doing but a bit of facebook stalking and I came up with the perfect thing, given the hot weather we were having. I told it was going to be a surprise but he kept on asking what we were doing. I thought it was hilarious and it seemed he did too, all his messages wanting the details ended in a 'lol' or a 'haha' or something like that. A few days before we were supposed to catch up when I still wouldn't tell him he called me an asshole and said he wasn't coming. I told him it was his loss. I figured that was the end of it.

First the 'we can be friends/lovers/nothing' episode and now this. Seriously, I don't know if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I can't handle this shit. He sent me a happy valentines day message and got annoyed when I didn't send him one back and tonight he wanted to hang out and I turned him down. Maybe he'll get the hint or maybe I need to come out with and say I can't be friends with him cos he's an asshole. You can't treat me like crap more than once and then just expect everything to go back to normal. I don't deserve it.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I can't see you again

Having been almost 12 months since I posted last, I've noticed one thing. I don't use the blog in the same way that I used to when I started it. Now it's more when I'm frustrated about something i've got one way to let it all out... on here. Which brings me to this post, Yay.

Recently someone friended me on facebook. He asked if I remembered him (I didn't), apparently he'd messaged me on Grindr a few years back and I never replied (oops). Anyway, we got chatting, seemed to get along well, and made plans to meet up for some drinks. Ended up at his place with a bottle of wine (which I drank most of as he was having beers), and I had some double Jaeger shots and a shot of vodka (I had, not we). We got along well, and I ended up spending the night (and may have fooled around a little). So far so good.

The next day we SMSed quite a bit and he asked if I wanted to come to Midsumma with him. I replied that I'd love to and then he threw a couple questions at me. 1) Do I wanna sleep with him and 2) if I wasn't leaving Melbourne, would I consider dating someone like him?

Question 2 was easier to answer because it was all a hypothetical - since I'm planning on moving interstate. Easy to answer yes. Question 1 wasn't so easy, I didn't have an issue with it, but thought it might make things complicated. Especially since I know he wanted to date me. He was fine with it, staying as mates, even suggested I come over Saturday night too, stay the night, as mates of course.

The next day we were chatting again as one does, and he drops some bombshells. He misses me and wants to fool around again. So much for staying as mates. I put it to him the same way i'd put it to him previously. I have no problem with it, but can he handle fooling around, knowing that is all it's gonna be. First he said no, he wanted the whole package, but then changed his tune to say he likes me, and i'm leaving, so why not make the most of it while we can. So it looked like sex was back on the table. I clarified that sex and/or fooling around is all it was gonna be.

Then he floors me... "I can't see you again." I did not see that coming at all. I figured if he couldn't handle sex without a date we'd just be mates as he'd said we would the day before. I did enjoy hanging out with him and wanted to stay mates. Whatever, that's how the night ended.

The next day he messages me again, clearly he'd seen my facebook status update. I asked why we couldn't be friends? To which he replies, oh ignore what I said yesterday, i'm strong enough to put my feelings for you behind me and continue to be mates. Bloody hell, ok looks like we're back on as friends. So to speak.

Fast forward a few hours later, and he wants to ask me something. Well he can ask next time he sees me. No he'll just ask by text. Turns out he's keen to hookup before I leave. Well isn't this a bit of a rollercoaster ride. We've gone from fooling around, to just friends, to fooling around, to a potential shag, to never seeing each other again, back to friends, back to there being potential for sex. Well at least that's clarified, or is it? I'm still at the point where i'm ok with it, but he's change his mind so many times, who's to say what he'll be feeling in a day or a week? What if we do and then he changes his mind and regrets it? I know that might not be my problem, but it just complicates everything.

Later on that day he asked my plans for the night. I had none, and he suggested I come over and then go with him to Midsumma the next day. Exactly as he'd suggested a few days earlier. I suggested he choose, either Saturday night, or go to Midsumma together as I wanted some time to organise other things for a trip I was going on in a couple days. He chose Midsumma and that was that.


I assumed i'd hear from him sometime the next morning to sort out plans or where we'd meet. I mean he'd brought up Midsumma twice in as many days and both times I said yes I'd go with him. But I wasn't hearing anything from him. Not a word. Had he forgotten? Changed his mind? Eventually it got to about 1.30pm and i figured I'd text him. I asked what he was up to. He replied he was getting sunburnt, lol. He got a lol and thats it from me. Maybe i'm way to fucking sensitive for this game but it was at that point that I wished we'd left it at "I can't see you again".

Monday, June 17, 2013

Gays are cunts

NSA this, NSA that. You see these 3 letters everywhere. No strings attached. No-one wants anything more than NSA. But why is that? What's wrong with the usual mates, dates, possibly relationship? For starters it's so easy, you go online or load the app and you can pretty much find something that tickles your fancy.

I think there's another reason why guys might follow that path. As a wise man once said (on his grindr profile no less) Gays are cunts. As simple as that. Why go through all the effort of becoming mates with someone that may lead to FWB, or date someone, if you can get what you're looking for without it all? Not saying that a shag is the end game but it's certainly part of it. A physical relationship without having to deal with all the crap that comes from the other stuff.



I've got a couple of experiences that lead me to agree with the gays are cunts slogan. Not that I didn't know some gays were cunts, but I didn't expect it from these guys.

One was a friend. Someone i'd considered a good friend, used to hang out quite a lot. Back in January I had tickets to the Australian Open tennis and asked if he wanted to join me. Midnight the night before he cancels on me, because he couldn't be bothered going. I let it go, but not like I was going to find someone else to join me at the last minute, and trust me I tried. Even people who were just acquaintances rather than friends. But if you get a call Sunday morning saying I have a spare ticket for today, most people already have their weekend planned. Since then i've tried numerous times, suggesting we go out for drinks and I get no response. I don't know what i've done but we've just really grown apart. I attempted to reconnect last week and at least I got a response. I'm leaving the ball in his court. I haven't seen him in 6 months and i'm certainly not holding my breath.

Case #2. I recently started dating someone. It's only been 3 dates so far. First attempt we were trying to organise a day to meet for drinks and I suggested the following Sunday and he said 'we'd play it by ear'. I joked with him if that meant depending on whether he got a better offer. But maybe there was some truth to it. That Sunday didn't work out but we did organise another day. We got along well, he was certainly interested in date 2. Date 2 came and went and at the end he brought up date 3. He suggested either the following Thursday or the weekend as it was a long weekend. Sounded good to me, but Thursday didn't happen so I asked about the weekend and he said he wasn't sure about his weekend plans but we'd play it by ear. Suffice to say it didn't happen that weekend either.

Eventually we got date 3 done - a movie this time. As I dropped him home we talked about #4. That upcoming weekend. He had something on the Saturday and didn't want to have a big day on Sunday so we decided on Friday. A couple days later I messaged him to finalise plans for Friday and said he wasn't sure about Friday and might have to change it to Sunday. Thats where we are now. I enjoy spending time with him and we get along well, but I can't help but feel like i'm consistently being blown off. He either changes the date when we'd planned to meet, or won't confirm anything until close to it as it depends on his other plans even though he was the one who had suggested it in the first place.

I certainly don't think I need to be the #1 priority in his life, but it's almost like i'm his backup plan, and if something else comes up he'll reschedule on me. Am I being too sensitive? Am I being a dick? Or are gays cunts? Surely it's not just me. Or is it?

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Goodbye?

Blogs, blogs, blogs everywhere. Well thats how it used to be. When I started to blog I was an avid reader of blogs and thought why not start my own. I was seeking support at the time but also an outlet. For those purposes it has served me well, made some new online and offline friends, i've been mentioned in other blogs. It's been a bumpy ride, plenty of highs and lows. I've been told this sometimes reads like a sex blog, and that may be so, but i always felt like it was a window to my life. Kind of like my diary if i'd had one.

Fast forward over 5 years from when I began and i'm in a very different place in my life. I haven't blogged in 9 months! Not saying that nothing has happened worth blogging about, in fact lots has happened that I could've blogged about, but I haven't felt the need to. I think after 220 posts, 875 comments, over 100,000 words, maybe it's time to hang up my keyboard. So for those who've come along for the ride, thanks for reading, I may even surprise you with a post somewhere down the track, but no promises!

Me

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I fucked up :(

I fucked up, big time. I've been chatting to a guy online for a while and we'd been trying to make plans to meet up and things just never worked out. Finally after about a couple months we finally were able to plan some drinks. Date and time was set, Friday night at the Greyhound. Easy enough. I met him there and we got a drink and started to chat. And suddenly it became clear to me. OMG he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Let's go back to the very beginning. My name is not Jay Murray. I guess you could call it a pseudonym I came up with years ago, back when no-one knew I was gay. It became a fake identity. It's the listed author of this blog, there's even a fake facebook account. But none of it is real. People that have actually met me, know who I really am. If I chat to anyone or meet anyone these days they know who I am, if i'm chatting on grindr or manhunt they get my real name (except the one guy who saw me on grindr and is my 'facebook friend' who thinks I'm Jay... kinda awkward to correct you so i've let sleeping dogs lie, sorry!).



Anyway back to this guy. I've got a profile on Aussiemen.com.au, I made it years ago but rarely use it. I've never met someone from it, and the people who message me on it aren't people i'd ever want to meet anyway (pretty much 17 year old twinks who want to be barebacked or 60+ year old men - no thanks). Anyway so one day I get a message from a random profile on there. Not much by way of info, and no pics. Thats always a bad sign, but I replied to his message anyway for some reason. He said he didn't have pics yet as they were awaiting approval (they always are) but he could email me some. Mmm, what if it ends up being some creep who I'd rather block? Do I really want him having my real contact details? I don't even know what he looks like! So I gave him the email address attached to the profile of this blog's author... Jay Murray.

We swapped pics, seemed like a nice guy. Emailed a bit, then I found him on grindr and we chatted some more there, eventually swapped numbers and chatted some more. If I wanted to meet someone I don't usually let things drag on so long without actually meeting them, but he was sick, then I was sick, then he was away, eventially we were able to make plans. Initially he'd wanted to hook up but I asked if he was up for drinks. He seemed like a decent guy, why does he need to be just a shag?

Fast forward to Friday night, around 2 months after his first message. We're finally meeting. And he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck! I'm 99% sure at an early point in our chats over the last couple of months i'd told him my actual name. But here it was biting me in the ass. I told him the whole story and the reasons for doing what I did but he was very weirded out by the whole thing. So I gave him an out, I told him i'd walk away then and there and call it a night if he wanted. But he didn't. So I thought things were ok.

Funnily enough we actually got along really well. Similar age, similar interests. Everything was going great. Drinking, maybe a smoke here and there, a bit of a shuffle on the dancefloor, met some other people it was all going well. Or so I thought.

At about 2.30am we were outside in a small group, and he went inside with another guy and a couple minutes later so did I. I couldn't find him, but eventually I found the other guy who told me he'd left the building. Well that was a dissappointment, I had no interest staying there any more so I left myself. I checked Grindr and couldn't see him anymore so I figured he'd blocked me. I sent him a text apologising for the situation and wished him well. Well that was kind of a waste of a night.

The next morning my phone vibrated and it was a message from him. The time stamp showed it had been sent the previous night and said -" I've had to leave, thanks for a good night". Well what am I supposed to make of that? Is it i've had to leave because you're a weirdo? Thanks for a good night lets do it again sometime, or thanks for a good night but never contact me again? Was Grindr playing up and had he really not blocked me?

So I asked. And I was right the first time. What a dissapointing way to end and the only person to blame is myself :(