Saturday, February 15, 2014

Round 2. Argh!

So you probably remember this guy. A wise man told me to forget about him and not to do anything stupid, i.e. shag him. But i'm a woos. While we didn't shag, we kind of made up for the miscommunication about midsumma and he still wants to hang out. I told him a shag would need a discussion before it even had a remote chance of happening, but I was happy to hang out as mates no problem. So we made plans to hang out.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate deciding what to do. Let someone else pick, or at least give me some options if I'm the one who's gonna make the decision. He wouldn't have a bar of it. I had no clue what he enjoys doing but a bit of facebook stalking and I came up with the perfect thing, given the hot weather we were having. I told it was going to be a surprise but he kept on asking what we were doing. I thought it was hilarious and it seemed he did too, all his messages wanting the details ended in a 'lol' or a 'haha' or something like that. A few days before we were supposed to catch up when I still wouldn't tell him he called me an asshole and said he wasn't coming. I told him it was his loss. I figured that was the end of it.

First the 'we can be friends/lovers/nothing' episode and now this. Seriously, I don't know if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I can't handle this shit. He sent me a happy valentines day message and got annoyed when I didn't send him one back and tonight he wanted to hang out and I turned him down. Maybe he'll get the hint or maybe I need to come out with and say I can't be friends with him cos he's an asshole. You can't treat me like crap more than once and then just expect everything to go back to normal. I don't deserve it.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

I can't see you again

Having been almost 12 months since I posted last, I've noticed one thing. I don't use the blog in the same way that I used to when I started it. Now it's more when I'm frustrated about something i've got one way to let it all out... on here. Which brings me to this post, Yay.

Recently someone friended me on facebook. He asked if I remembered him (I didn't), apparently he'd messaged me on Grindr a few years back and I never replied (oops). Anyway, we got chatting, seemed to get along well, and made plans to meet up for some drinks. Ended up at his place with a bottle of wine (which I drank most of as he was having beers), and I had some double Jaeger shots and a shot of vodka (I had, not we). We got along well, and I ended up spending the night (and may have fooled around a little). So far so good.

The next day we SMSed quite a bit and he asked if I wanted to come to Midsumma with him. I replied that I'd love to and then he threw a couple questions at me. 1) Do I wanna sleep with him and 2) if I wasn't leaving Melbourne, would I consider dating someone like him?

Question 2 was easier to answer because it was all a hypothetical - since I'm planning on moving interstate. Easy to answer yes. Question 1 wasn't so easy, I didn't have an issue with it, but thought it might make things complicated. Especially since I know he wanted to date me. He was fine with it, staying as mates, even suggested I come over Saturday night too, stay the night, as mates of course.

The next day we were chatting again as one does, and he drops some bombshells. He misses me and wants to fool around again. So much for staying as mates. I put it to him the same way i'd put it to him previously. I have no problem with it, but can he handle fooling around, knowing that is all it's gonna be. First he said no, he wanted the whole package, but then changed his tune to say he likes me, and i'm leaving, so why not make the most of it while we can. So it looked like sex was back on the table. I clarified that sex and/or fooling around is all it was gonna be.

Then he floors me... "I can't see you again." I did not see that coming at all. I figured if he couldn't handle sex without a date we'd just be mates as he'd said we would the day before. I did enjoy hanging out with him and wanted to stay mates. Whatever, that's how the night ended.

The next day he messages me again, clearly he'd seen my facebook status update. I asked why we couldn't be friends? To which he replies, oh ignore what I said yesterday, i'm strong enough to put my feelings for you behind me and continue to be mates. Bloody hell, ok looks like we're back on as friends. So to speak.

Fast forward a few hours later, and he wants to ask me something. Well he can ask next time he sees me. No he'll just ask by text. Turns out he's keen to hookup before I leave. Well isn't this a bit of a rollercoaster ride. We've gone from fooling around, to just friends, to fooling around, to a potential shag, to never seeing each other again, back to friends, back to there being potential for sex. Well at least that's clarified, or is it? I'm still at the point where i'm ok with it, but he's change his mind so many times, who's to say what he'll be feeling in a day or a week? What if we do and then he changes his mind and regrets it? I know that might not be my problem, but it just complicates everything.

Later on that day he asked my plans for the night. I had none, and he suggested I come over and then go with him to Midsumma the next day. Exactly as he'd suggested a few days earlier. I suggested he choose, either Saturday night, or go to Midsumma together as I wanted some time to organise other things for a trip I was going on in a couple days. He chose Midsumma and that was that.


I assumed i'd hear from him sometime the next morning to sort out plans or where we'd meet. I mean he'd brought up Midsumma twice in as many days and both times I said yes I'd go with him. But I wasn't hearing anything from him. Not a word. Had he forgotten? Changed his mind? Eventually it got to about 1.30pm and i figured I'd text him. I asked what he was up to. He replied he was getting sunburnt, lol. He got a lol and thats it from me. Maybe i'm way to fucking sensitive for this game but it was at that point that I wished we'd left it at "I can't see you again".

Monday, June 17, 2013

Gays are cunts

NSA this, NSA that. You see these 3 letters everywhere. No strings attached. No-one wants anything more than NSA. But why is that? What's wrong with the usual mates, dates, possibly relationship? For starters it's so easy, you go online or load the app and you can pretty much find something that tickles your fancy.

I think there's another reason why guys might follow that path. As a wise man once said (on his grindr profile no less) Gays are cunts. As simple as that. Why go through all the effort of becoming mates with someone that may lead to FWB, or date someone, if you can get what you're looking for without it all? Not saying that a shag is the end game but it's certainly part of it. A physical relationship without having to deal with all the crap that comes from the other stuff.



I've got a couple of experiences that lead me to agree with the gays are cunts slogan. Not that I didn't know some gays were cunts, but I didn't expect it from these guys.

One was a friend. Someone i'd considered a good friend, used to hang out quite a lot. Back in January I had tickets to the Australian Open tennis and asked if he wanted to join me. Midnight the night before he cancels on me, because he couldn't be bothered going. I let it go, but not like I was going to find someone else to join me at the last minute, and trust me I tried. Even people who were just acquaintances rather than friends. But if you get a call Sunday morning saying I have a spare ticket for today, most people already have their weekend planned. Since then i've tried numerous times, suggesting we go out for drinks and I get no response. I don't know what i've done but we've just really grown apart. I attempted to reconnect last week and at least I got a response. I'm leaving the ball in his court. I haven't seen him in 6 months and i'm certainly not holding my breath.

Case #2. I recently started dating someone. It's only been 3 dates so far. First attempt we were trying to organise a day to meet for drinks and I suggested the following Sunday and he said 'we'd play it by ear'. I joked with him if that meant depending on whether he got a better offer. But maybe there was some truth to it. That Sunday didn't work out but we did organise another day. We got along well, he was certainly interested in date 2. Date 2 came and went and at the end he brought up date 3. He suggested either the following Thursday or the weekend as it was a long weekend. Sounded good to me, but Thursday didn't happen so I asked about the weekend and he said he wasn't sure about his weekend plans but we'd play it by ear. Suffice to say it didn't happen that weekend either.

Eventually we got date 3 done - a movie this time. As I dropped him home we talked about #4. That upcoming weekend. He had something on the Saturday and didn't want to have a big day on Sunday so we decided on Friday. A couple days later I messaged him to finalise plans for Friday and said he wasn't sure about Friday and might have to change it to Sunday. Thats where we are now. I enjoy spending time with him and we get along well, but I can't help but feel like i'm consistently being blown off. He either changes the date when we'd planned to meet, or won't confirm anything until close to it as it depends on his other plans even though he was the one who had suggested it in the first place.

I certainly don't think I need to be the #1 priority in his life, but it's almost like i'm his backup plan, and if something else comes up he'll reschedule on me. Am I being too sensitive? Am I being a dick? Or are gays cunts? Surely it's not just me. Or is it?

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Goodbye?

Blogs, blogs, blogs everywhere. Well thats how it used to be. When I started to blog I was an avid reader of blogs and thought why not start my own. I was seeking support at the time but also an outlet. For those purposes it has served me well, made some new online and offline friends, i've been mentioned in other blogs. It's been a bumpy ride, plenty of highs and lows. I've been told this sometimes reads like a sex blog, and that may be so, but i always felt like it was a window to my life. Kind of like my diary if i'd had one.

Fast forward over 5 years from when I began and i'm in a very different place in my life. I haven't blogged in 9 months! Not saying that nothing has happened worth blogging about, in fact lots has happened that I could've blogged about, but I haven't felt the need to. I think after 220 posts, 875 comments, over 100,000 words, maybe it's time to hang up my keyboard. So for those who've come along for the ride, thanks for reading, I may even surprise you with a post somewhere down the track, but no promises!

Me

Sunday, September 2, 2012

I fucked up :(

I fucked up, big time. I've been chatting to a guy online for a while and we'd been trying to make plans to meet up and things just never worked out. Finally after about a couple months we finally were able to plan some drinks. Date and time was set, Friday night at the Greyhound. Easy enough. I met him there and we got a drink and started to chat. And suddenly it became clear to me. OMG he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Let's go back to the very beginning. My name is not Jay Murray. I guess you could call it a pseudonym I came up with years ago, back when no-one knew I was gay. It became a fake identity. It's the listed author of this blog, there's even a fake facebook account. But none of it is real. People that have actually met me, know who I really am. If I chat to anyone or meet anyone these days they know who I am, if i'm chatting on grindr or manhunt they get my real name (except the one guy who saw me on grindr and is my 'facebook friend' who thinks I'm Jay... kinda awkward to correct you so i've let sleeping dogs lie, sorry!).



Anyway back to this guy. I've got a profile on Aussiemen.com.au, I made it years ago but rarely use it. I've never met someone from it, and the people who message me on it aren't people i'd ever want to meet anyway (pretty much 17 year old twinks who want to be barebacked or 60+ year old men - no thanks). Anyway so one day I get a message from a random profile on there. Not much by way of info, and no pics. Thats always a bad sign, but I replied to his message anyway for some reason. He said he didn't have pics yet as they were awaiting approval (they always are) but he could email me some. Mmm, what if it ends up being some creep who I'd rather block? Do I really want him having my real contact details? I don't even know what he looks like! So I gave him the email address attached to the profile of this blog's author... Jay Murray.

We swapped pics, seemed like a nice guy. Emailed a bit, then I found him on grindr and we chatted some more there, eventually swapped numbers and chatted some more. If I wanted to meet someone I don't usually let things drag on so long without actually meeting them, but he was sick, then I was sick, then he was away, eventially we were able to make plans. Initially he'd wanted to hook up but I asked if he was up for drinks. He seemed like a decent guy, why does he need to be just a shag?

Fast forward to Friday night, around 2 months after his first message. We're finally meeting. And he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck! I'm 99% sure at an early point in our chats over the last couple of months i'd told him my actual name. But here it was biting me in the ass. I told him the whole story and the reasons for doing what I did but he was very weirded out by the whole thing. So I gave him an out, I told him i'd walk away then and there and call it a night if he wanted. But he didn't. So I thought things were ok.

Funnily enough we actually got along really well. Similar age, similar interests. Everything was going great. Drinking, maybe a smoke here and there, a bit of a shuffle on the dancefloor, met some other people it was all going well. Or so I thought.

At about 2.30am we were outside in a small group, and he went inside with another guy and a couple minutes later so did I. I couldn't find him, but eventually I found the other guy who told me he'd left the building. Well that was a dissappointment, I had no interest staying there any more so I left myself. I checked Grindr and couldn't see him anymore so I figured he'd blocked me. I sent him a text apologising for the situation and wished him well. Well that was kind of a waste of a night.

The next morning my phone vibrated and it was a message from him. The time stamp showed it had been sent the previous night and said -" I've had to leave, thanks for a good night". Well what am I supposed to make of that? Is it i've had to leave because you're a weirdo? Thanks for a good night lets do it again sometime, or thanks for a good night but never contact me again? Was Grindr playing up and had he really not blocked me?

So I asked. And I was right the first time. What a dissapointing way to end and the only person to blame is myself :(

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Enough to make you want to turn straight!

I may sound like a whiny bitch, but life can sometimes be a struggle. Not sure if it's worse in the gay world but it sure feels like it. With everything going on, I thought I really need to meet some new people. I need to make some real friends. Real gay friends. I didn't think it was too much to ask, this post will recount some experiences i've had over the past 10 months or so that just make me question everything.

A couple were friends that I just expected more from. In Judaism after someone passes away the initial mourning period is called the shiva and lasts for 7 days. Traditionally during the shiva family members gather in one home and receive visitors (thanks Wikipedia). I guess there were some people I expected to see during the shiva. Some of those did visit and it was very much appreciated. Some (well one) told me he would come and I fully expected to see him. Only he never showed and it was dissappointing. Maybe I just expected more from someone who is Jewish because he knows what it's all about.

Another friend wanted to hang out and it was just bad timing, so i told him to try me in a week or 2 i'd be up for it. I next heard from him 6 months later. Maybe i'm being too critical, but these are people I just expected more from. They were considered my friends!

The rest I don't know what I expected. Gays in Melbourne who happen to be assholes probably outnumber the normal ones. The first guy was from Grindr. I told him i wasn't in the mood to date but looking to make friends. We made plans to meet up and and in the process of chatting it became clear that he still was looking to date, but willing not to call this a date. On further discussion when he finally got that I didn't want to date, he decided he couldn't be friends with me either. Whatever...

Onto the next one - this time a guy from manhunt. We'd been chatting a while and decided to meet for a drink. We set the date but not time or place. I'd given him my number but never got his. On the day we were supposed to meet I messaged him online and he replied that he was at a mate's place and when he got home he'd be in touch and we'd confirm everything. That was the last time I heard from him. He dissappeared for about a month, then reappeared all apologetic about what happened. Had some stuff going on, ok fine lets try again. Made plans the next week. Same thing happened, just dissappeared off the face of the earth.

The next one was from Scruff. Chatting for a couple weeks, eventually became facebook friends. As soon as I mention the possibility of meeting for a drink. Boom, radio silence. The next guy - can't remember how we first contacted each other but made plans to meet for drinks. Of course the day of the said planned meeting I message him to confirm that we're still on. No response. I gave him a few hours before messaging again. Still no response. I called, no answer. Figured this wasn't going to happen, so instead of heading towards where we were going to meet after work, I headed home. Later that night he called and made some lame excuse. Whatever, and then he gave me grief when I wasn't so excited about trying again.

Who should we pick on next? Ah yes. This guy first chatted on manhunt, then grindr, chatting for a while, made plans to meet for a drink. The day of, he messaged that he had to cancel. Very apologetic, he said it was unlike him, he wasn't the kind of guy that cancels at the last minute. He was definitely interested in meeting up with me and would reschedule. I'm sure you know how that ended. Messages never got replies. Mr 'I don't cancel on people at the last minute and really want to meet you' became 'Mr i'm going to ignore you'.

What the fucking fuck? Is it just guys in this city? Is it just gay guys in general? Where are the nice guys and why can't I find them? I'd like to think i'm one of the nice guys, but maybe we're all just assholes. Surely it can't be this hard for straights.

I'm not always such a complainer. Next posts will have some positive results :)

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Untitled... just because

Shit fuck shit. There's really no other words for it. It's been a crazy shitty depressing 6 months. So many things are flying through my head right now I don't even know where to begin...

In August last year my father was diagnosed with leukaemia (yeah that's how we spell it). Come December he was gone. Just like that. 3 and a half months of hope, faith, optimism and hopelessness, anguish and despair. He was only 63.

Diagnosis began with a bit of a shock. No symptoms or anything that someone might think he had a disease of some sort. It came up in a blood test he had, which was clear only 3 months earlier. Diagnosis was confirmed with a biopsy and suddenly he's having chemo.

I never expected it to go the way it did. He was having heavy duty chemo, I think for a week or 10 days straight. Surely that would help. But it didn't. It made him so weak and only destroyed a small fraction of the cancer that was there. There were periods where he was in and out of the ICU, dealing with pneumonia among other things.

Then it was time to try a different treatment. But he only managed one round before they said there was no point. He wouldn't survive the next round, and continuing it could actually hasten the end.

And that was it - there was nothing more anyone could do but wait and make him as comfortable as possible. Ensure everyone was able to say their goodbyes and wait. At one point when things weren't looking good, my brother jumped on a plane from the US and spent a couple weeks here. When things improved slightly he went back and returned with the rest of his family. He made it back just in time to have a couple days before dad started to rapidly decline.

I never want to have the need to visit that hospital again. I spent so much time there, visiting on the way to work, during lunch, after work. Weekends and Jewish holidays I stayed at a hotel to be nearby. Towards the end I was sleeping at the hospital at night. Not that there weren't nurses there to take care of him, but if he woke up agitated, he needed someone familiar to help him calm down. Someone to convince him to allow them to give him pain meds or oxygen. Otherwise he'd just refuse.

There were times I was scared. Being in the same room and thinking he looks in such bad shape I think he's going to die tonight. And i'm here alone, i've never been more scared in my life.

He passed away early on a Sunday morning, only hours after most of us had left the hospital to go home to get some rest. Most of what came after that is all a blur. I know it happened, but I don't feel it.

I don't even know why I'm even blogging about this. Maybe I needed to get it all out of my system so I can try and move on.

Goodbye Dad