Sunday, November 29, 2009

I came out today to my family

Well that's the latest news. I wasn't sure I was going to do it today. But I did. I've got so much to write about it, how it went down, who I told, things that were revealed, and the family discussions that occurred post coming out. Right now I'm too tired to make a whole post out it, so i'll leave it at that and say stay tuned!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Don't cry for me Argentina... the truth is I never left you

Well i think it's time I came back to this post and finished it off, since I started it over 2 months ago! I hope I can remember what I got up to. Well, i definitely remember the fun parts ;)

You probably should know by now that I was in South America back in August. Being in the US on a tourist visa means I can stay for 6 months, so when that time comes up I have to leave. I didn't want to go home and I didn't think it would be that easy for me to leave back to NY if I did. I could've gone to Europe but I'd been to quite a few places in Europe and wanted to try something different. South America was one place i'd never been to, but being in NYC it's probably as close as i'm going to get to it, so why the hell not?!

I have some family in Argentina so I spent some time with them, but alot of the time I did my own thing. I also had a friend from NY in Argentina. Well he wasn't exactly a friend, I knew who he was but we had some friends in common who suggested we connect. And connect we did :) I only had a week there so I tried to make the most of it. Things were fairly cheap (coming from New York with US dollars). Food, transport, Museums. Lots of things to do there.

I began by taking a free walking tour of the city. It was great to get an overview of the city as well as its history from a local. It was a few hours long and met a wide variety of people. A retired couple from California, people from all over Europe and even an Australian. We saw the main sights like the Congresso, we walked along Avenida de Mayo and came across a protest - whats new. Another day, another protest.

I checked out cool areas like Palermo Soho, the botanical gardens and the Evita Museum. There is a kosher McDonalds there, i think I was there almost every day for lunch! The subway is soooo cheap! Less than 30c US a ride, and cabs are cheap too, but I did alot of walking because thats the best way to see the sights. I walked through Recoleta, I cruised along Avenida Santa Fe, saw lots of embassies, the jockey club, and even got kicked out of the Sofitel hotel because I wasn't a paying guest. I mean really?! All I was doing is sitting on a couch!

Now here comes the fun part. I googled gay nightlife to see what the clubs were like and where they were. I wasn't sure if I'd go but it was an idea. But things start reeeeeeealy late over there. People aren't eating dinner till about 10pm, no-one goes out clubbing till 12, or even more likely 1am. So I met up with my friend P. We started off at someone's house for drinks. I met a bunch of his friends, they were all doing some kind of study in Argentina and they were from all over the world. Eventually it was time to hit the club. It was called Club 69 and had a drag show as part of the entertainment. We all got in and it was packed! Had to stick to basic drinks because these people just didn't know more than that. First time ever having a screwdriver with freshly squeezed OJ. Nothing better!

I got hit on by a bunch of girls. There was a guy that was eyeing me on the dancefloor but I wasn't interested. I had my eye on someone else actually but he was hanging with another guy. But I stuck around anyway. Eventually when his friend went off I made my move, and his friend returned only to find us making out, well he wasn't impressed. But my boy kicked his venezuelan ass away and we continued what we were doing. He was Australian and cute! Funny thing happened though, the boy that had shown interest in me earlier went up to this guy and whispered something in his ear. I asked my aussie friend what the guy had said. His answer? That he'd made the right choice! :) We literally spent a couple hours just standing there on the side making out. Too bad neither of us had a place to go back to. We were both tourists in a foreign country. By the time we called it a night and I got back home it was 6am. A fun night as always :)

Ok what else did I see in Argentina... back to the regular touristy things. checked out the Obelisk, went out to eat a number of times. I checked out the San Telmo markets, Recoleta cemetary where Evita is buried, La Boca stadium and the camanito area. I also went out with P again, this time to dinner at a kosher place called Mama Jacinta. I was a bit concerned because what if it turned out to be lousy, i'd never eaten there. And he brought a bunch of his international friends along. It actually turned out really nicely. The food was great, as was the company.

Of course I can't forget churros. They're sort of like a long doughnut, and often served with hot chocolate. My guidebook recommended La Giralda as the best place to have them in BA. They were absolutely divine! And of course I couldn't leave without getting a shoe shine from a street vendor.

All in all it was an amazing trip, and I hope to make it back someday and do all the things i missed out on. And of course practice my spanish!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Prayers for Bobby

Back when I was in New York I saw a movie called Prayers for Bobby. It was a made for TV movie, and premiered on Lifetime early in the year. It just goes to show how much TV i watch because not only didn't I know about it, but I didn't even know we had Logo! What kind of gay man am I?! So I downloaded the movie and watched it at home.

What can I say but if you ever want to watch a movie and have a good cry, this is one to watch! I highly recommend it. In short it's about a gay teenager whose mother (played by Sigourney Weaver) refuses to accept that she has a gay son. She believes god can cure him of what she considers his 'sin' and persuades Bobby to pray harder and seek solace in church activities in hopes of changing him. He ends up becoming withdrawn and depressed. He moves away, finds a boyfriend, but eventually his depression and self loathing intensify and is driven to suicide.

Faced with the tragedy, she begins to question herself, and her beliefs, joins PFLAG and eventually becomes an advocate for gay rights. It's a powerful film and make sure you have a box of tissues with you.

I can see some similarities between his life and my own. While mine won't end up like his did (i hope), but the same religious sentiment will be there. Just pray more, want it more, and you can be cured. Well it doesn't quite work that way.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hi. My name is Jay. And I'm a gay porn distributor

I don't even know how to begin this post, or what to call it. I'm completely lost for words. As everything I thought I knew crashes down beside me, I'm lost. I know whats coming, and I know how to handle it. Well I convince myself I can handle it. But i'm not so sure. The pressure is building up and I just don't know how much more I can take of it. As I sit here typing this, I think of all my friends. My support group. I need someone, and every person that knows what i'm going through, is at the other end of the world. Oh my god, i cannot believe I'm sitting here crying as I type this.

For once I want to be selfish. I want to care about what i'm going through, and ignore everything that they're going through. Yes they found out their son and brother is gay. Deal with it. Ok I need a break to compose myself... Actually I think i'm going to call it a night.

Well good morning. I'm going to try this again and I think I should start from the beginning. I have access to some of my family member's email accounts (one benefit of having set up some of the accounts myself). I'm not one to invade other people's privacy, usually. But once I received an email from my mother that was addressed to my sister about my 'drug use'. Obviously she'd emailed it to me by mistake. I got that email and thought 'what?!?' What are these people on about?! I knew I had to dig deeper and find out. If they thought I was on drugs, what else were they talking about me? I did approach my sister about the email but she said she had been joking and my mother had taken it seriously. Ever since then I had occasionally logged in to see what was being discussed about me, besides my drug use ;) . Ever since I'd come out to my sister however, things had taken a turn. I felt I needed to keep closer tabs on conversations about me. Especially since I had entrusted to her some information that I did not want shared around. I told her she could tell her husband, but that was about it.

I'd log in, do a search of my name, and a search of the word gay, and see what came up. Yesterday however I saw something that worried me. There was an email thread between her and one of my brothers. It was titled 'do you know ______?'. The name was one of my gay friends in New York. This could not be good news. I quickly forwarded it to myself and removed all traces that I'd done that. I then sat down to read from the bottom. What I saw scared the shit out of me.

It had been noticed that I had been using my cellphone on shabbat, the sabbath. But then again I hadn't been keeping the sabbath properly for a while. Only they didn't know that. The number was googled and traced back to this friend of mine. So now what? There were other numbers too. Google turned up nothing. What is there to do but to call them? But who would call them? They decided they needed access to my cellphone. It was then that I decided my cellphone would not be leaving my side. Ever. Bathroom? Shower? Forever with me. Then more news came up. One of the numbers was traced back to someone at a gay sports club. That was not good at all. They decided that they needed to have a GPS tracker installed in my car or I needed to be followed one night when I went out. How they would do it without me recognizing the car, they didn't know. So much for me having a fun night out every now and then.

What about this one number that I was in touch with alot? And when I say alot, I mean ALOT! I'm a big texter, plus i'd called him a number of times. He was a good friend. And yes he was gay. There was actually a discussion on who would be better to call him. My brother or my sister. My sister said she didn't mind calling, but she thought if it's a girl calling my friend might be cautious, but if it's a guy calling, my friend would be open. My brother replied 'but gay guys also have girlfriends!' Seriously this was getting crazier and funnier the further I read.

They decided that she'd call, blocking her number and say I got a missed call from you or something like that. She called him, and he actually gave her his name. She said "btw he was really nice and sounds gay :( " My brother found his facebook profile pic and decided he looked gay. Seriously these people were crazy! And hello, can you say invasion of privacy? It's bad enough that they're looking into me, but investigating my friends? That was just not on!

There was some discussion about me not knowing what they were up to and how crazy it was. Well I'm one step ahead of you people! Both of them had mutual facebook friends with this guy, and my brother decided he'd ask some people about him. Oy! I hated the fact that he was getting dragged into this. Not that he can't take care of himself, but it's bad enough that it's happening to me, but my friends too?

The next one was the funniest of the lot. My mother believed I had become a porn distributor. Seriously i'm just lost for words. What the hell?! I mean seriously? Are you crazy?! The question was really how far was I involved with this guy? The answer was pretty simple. I'm not. We're friends. That's it. Good friends, yeah. But just friends.

The detectives then set out to do more work, they needed to access my phone, or my email and facebook account. Good luck with that! But they actually did research on him. I'd called his work so they called his work too, and asked someone about him. My sister then realizes she's met him before. Haha, she remembers he's a nice guy. Well I could've told her that if she'd asked! They wondered why I was mixing with non-jewish gays and not just jewish gays. And was I sleeping with people. Yeah, none of their business really.

Anyway things then got more serious. They'd pretty much confirmed that yes I was gay. They then looked for solutions. One of which was Jonah - Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. A jewish organization that recommends reparative therapy. While I didn't have any personal experience with them, I'd heard first hand accounts from alot of my friends who had gone through it. Some things troubled me, well alot of things troubled me. They claimed to my sister to have an 85% success rate. Yet for the head of the organization have a child who was living as an out gay man, just didn't sit right. Or a book that he wrote and mentioned one of his success stories, who funnily enough is living as a gay man. Some success stories those are about them being able to cure homosexuality. He name dropped a couple of respected rabbis that know of his organization and their work. I was a bit concerned about this because of course there were rabbis who didn't have a clue what they were talking about. But they hear of this organization that can supposedly cure homosexuality so they recommend them.

My sister called one of them, he didn't know of their organization or their work. Some reference he turned out to be. The other i've heard from friends has a negative opinion of reparative therapy too. So that might be something in my favor. One thing they did not do is contact a rabbi who has written a book about Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality. At least he would have done his research and know what he was talking about.

One good thing I did find was that they were aware of the dangers of reparative therapy. It could lead to depression, requiring drugs to keep me 'normal' or suicide. In fact, The American Psychological Association adopted a resolution earlier this year stating that mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments. I'd much rather believe medical professionals than some clueless rabbis or an organization that make their money off this kind of thing.

One thing is clear, my whole family knows. When my parents decide to leave the house together for a couple hours and don't tell me where they're going, thats just weird. More funny stuff appeared such as my father wanting to hire an investigator. Is that really necessary? You know i'm gay already, get over it! My mother visits my aunt to make calls about it from her house panicking. My mom blames my brother for not picking up on it. My sister says my parents should've picked up on it while I was living at home.

Seriously I'm not sorry one bit for putting them through this. They deserve it. They've been discussing points that need to be told to me, such as I have to want to change. And gays are known to have aids and always sleep around. And no one stays with their partner long because they feel they're always missing something. Hey we may be promiscuous sometimes, but really? I almost laughed while reading this.

While reading all this I was totally freaking out. I'd put up alot of barriers around me and they were all crashing down. To find out in one swoop that they all knew, that was alot to handle. I left the house, made up an excuse that I had some errands to do. I started calling people. My friend that they'd already called, my friends that they were planning on calling. Whoever they were planning to call I told if someone calls, play hardball with them. Be a real bastard if you want.

I know they'll push me into some sort of therapy. I don't need therapy. I'm 100% fine, I'm happier now than i've ever been in my life. I know where i'm going, I know what I want out of life. And I know how to achieve that. If they want to set me up to talk to someone, i have no problem talking to someone. If it'd make them realise that I'm gay and won't change, that is. But reparative therapy?. I won't put myself into a situation that is a danger to my life. In a place where it's quite possible i'll end up depressed and/or suicidal. I'd rather be happy and gay than miserable living a drug induced 'straight' life.

And for those of you who may say i've given up, or I don't want to change, I say I am what I am. It's the way I was born and nothing you can do will change that. I've accepted it. Why can't you?

I think one day I'll actually post those emails on here. It'll turn my blog into a comedy!

Short 'n sweet

This post is about my Sunday night out with a friend. It's gonna be a quickie, because this one friend likes his privacy. I actually wrote an extended post, but it's not going up. So here it is. I picked him up from his place, went to a couple bars, had a few drinks, had a nice time, dropped him home.

The end.

Hooking up with guys online

No I'm not talking about cybersex. I met up with another guy via an online method. I'd met up with someone from facebook and we know how that turned out. This time I was trying gaydar. Found a guy, we'd swapped pics, chatted quit a bit over a few days. So we decide to meet. I went to his place of course. And had some fun, i don't really need to go into specifics.

The problems began when he says to me he doesn't want it to be just about sex. Uh oh. They always do this. I was pretty clear what I wanted wasn't I?
"I want you to stay the night."
"I don't think I can."
"But I want you to."
"I can't."

Soon it was "how about tomorrow night?"
"I can't then either."
"I want you to stay the night, and I want to cook you breakfast in the morning".
"It's not gonna happen"

I left but then I started receiving texts from him. I told him straight out, i'd be in touch when I wanted to see him again. I really am a nice guy and find it hard to be a bitch to people. But he just didn't get it.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No, i just need to work some things out. When i'm ready you'll hear from me"
"Well i'll leave the ball in your court"

I thought that might be the end of it. How wrong I was. Texts, phone calls, voicemails. He wanted to see me again. Did he not get it?!
"I want to see you again"
"Sorry, but no"

I stopped replying to them because it was getting annoying.

But eventually i'd had enough. And that what I told him. Enough already, please delete my number from your phone and don't contact me again.
His reply? I'd delete your number and won't contact you again.
My reply? Thank you.

Of course the next morning my phone vibrated. Yep it was another text from him.
"It doesn't have to end this way. I want to see you again"
I didn't respond. He called and not only did I not answer, but I rejected the call so he'd realise. But he left me another voicemail.

What is it that you don't get? I'm not interested. But even when I tell you i'm not interested you think you can save it or something. Nothing to be worried about, i'm 100% fine. Just not fucking interested!

Hooking up is fun, but this is not the way it's supposed to end up. I think I just may give up on the online thing. I never did it before, and I prefer sizing them up in person first. A bar, a club, something, anything.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Don't. Get. Caught!

Of course no-one wants to be caught doing anything that others wouldn't approve of. While living in New York, i'd done my own thing. Now i got home and no-one knew the real me. I didn't keep shabbat, i didn't do a lot of things, and they still thought I was their good little son.

Well that was until late one Friday night. Not a creature was stirring, everyone was asleep. Time for me to connect the internet. Yeah I know, bad move. If anyone would get up, they'd see. It's not like I needed to go online. But I did it anyway. And my mother woke up. I thought she must've seen it. There's no way she could've missed it. When I heard her go back to bed I went and unplugged the cord. I heard her crying in her bed. Fuck.

There was nothing that could be done about it. She came to me in the morning and asked about it. There was no denying it. She asked for a reason. And I didn't have one for her. She promised not to tell my father, which was good for me, but that didn't help her. Was I an internet addict? No. Was I being cyber-bullied? No. Then why would I go online on shabbat? Who did I need to contact at the time? No-one. I just couldn't tell her the truth. Because I just don't care anymore.

She has asked me numerous times since then, but I still don't have an answer for her. She's disappointed in me, but there's nothing for me to say. I can't tell her the truth, I just can't. Well not yet anyway.

The next time getting 'caught' came a few weeks later. I'd gone out on Thursday night to meet up with a guy (which I haven't actually blogged about yet - he's next). I told my parents I was out with a straight friend from school. No I didn't say he was straight, i'm just letting you know that he is. The next night I went for a walk with my mother after dinner. She asked how my friend's new job was. The friend i'd supposedly been out with the previous night. My answer? Dunno, haven't seen him.... [realise what i'd just said, quick! say something, save yourself, say something, anything] in a couple of days. Fuck. And she didn't buy it. Seriously, how could I have been so stupid?! I told her I was kidding and she could call him if she didn't believe me. She didn't, and i'm not so sure she wants to know.


I'm a bitch, she's a bitch, they're all bitches

I don't really have much to say other than what a bitch! Seriously how low can a person be? Ok here's the background information. A friend of mine calls me and says he heard from a mutual friend of ours that there was a rumor going around that I was gay and had been seen going into a gay bar. So i'm thinking who would've said that to him?! Was he friends with the girl who showed up to my going away party?

My friend dug for some more answers and bits and pieces of info started coming out. And it started getting more twisted. He found out a name. Someone that had been suggested to me to date time and time again, but she sounded like a real psycho, so that was an easy out. So was she starting the rumor because she was pissed off or something? But then we heard that she had heard it from a girl I had dated. I had one girl in mind. The last girl I dated, who was the stupidest person I'd ever had to have a conversation with. Seriously, like the epitome of a dumb blonde.

I called a mutual friend of ours who practically confirmed that this sounded like something she'd do. And by the next day, it had gotten back to the person who had originally told my friend the story. Which basically confirmed who had started it. Bitch!

Of course I was freaking out, I wasn't sure how fast it would travel. Who would hear it. Of course I got a phone call from another friend (a gay one this time) that he'd heard it from a friend in Israel. Apparently it had come up at their shabbat table. Some discussion that must've been. So now I know word has spread to 3 continents. Who knows where else it will go? And i don't really know if this girl who started it actually saw something or was just upset that I dumped her ass so quickly. Either way, what a bitch!


Thursday, November 19, 2009

Meeting facebook friends

I met up with a random guy on facebook. Well we didn't meet up on facebook, we met up in person, but he's a random facebook friend, like most my facebook friends are. I always thought he was hot and the opportunity came up I thought why the hell not. Im always looking to meet new people. It was a nice warm day, we met up near the beach for a couple of beers had a nice chat, then went for a walk.

We ended up sitting on the beach, and before you knew it we were making out. Note to self... remember to empty the sand out of my pockets before I get home. We were there for a while then thought we'd head somewhere else. We continued walking and decided to head back to his place. I followed him in my car. No traffic so it didn't take too long to get there, and it ended up being a fun night :)

Fast forward a couple hours or so and we were lying in bed watching TV. I was thinking should I stay or should I go? If I stayed I'd hit rush hour in the morning on the way home and the 'powers that be' would know I was out all night because I probably wouldn't make it home till 9.30 or 10 o'clock. I certainly wasn't looking forward to that. It was then that I realised we were holding hands and he then asked me if he was going too fast. Huh? Oh. Crap. He thinks. Crap. No. Yikes. My mind was thinking yes, but what came out was no. Fuck. I was just looking for friends to be honest. Maybe a little more every now and then, but a date? I so wasn't looking for that. Right now I have no idea where my life is going and i'm quite happy to just enjoy life a bit. I decided it was best I leave. Staying would just be awkward. I made it home at a relatively normal hour and noone knew a thing.

Maybe I should stop meeting people on facebook. Yeah i'm a big flirt and it's going to get me into trouble one day. So what if I meet someone on manhunt, and we start chatting, then move to facebook and chat some more, and make plans to hang out. What does that mean?

I guess i'll find out tomorrow :)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Being gay on home territory

It was a Sunday... I'd been home about 10 days or so, and I had yet to check out the gay scene in this place. I hate the fact that I can't get everywhere by public transport and it doesn't run in the early hours of the morning, which is when I would be heading home after a great night out. But I digress.

I'd done some research on local gay hangouts. Some searching online, the bars, the clubs. I took a car, (yeah I actually drove) and headed to C Road. Now one thing I don't do any more is go out alone, for 2 reasons. 1) it looks like i'm just out to get laid, and 2) it makes me look pretty desperate. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. I wanted to meet people and make friends and this was the way to do it. If I wanted sex, well thats what Manhunt and gaydar (and facebook lol) are for. I was more in the mood for a few drinks than anything else, so I figured pub/bar more than club.

X looked pretty quiet so I thought i'd check out D and S. Scouting them out while driving by isn't the easiest, but I decided DTs was the place to go tonight. Driving down V I heard a noise that did not sound too good. At a red light I opened my door, hoping against hope that it wasn't what I thought it was. Yep it was, a flat tire. I pulled into a local gas station and set about changing it. And I actually did a decent job. Maybe i'm not as gay as I thought I was, lol. But once that was all done I was dirty (no not in that way! lol) and just not in the mood anymore.

That was false start #1. I'd try again the next night. I'd gone so long without going to a gay bar or club I was begining to lose it. Only the next night turned into false start #2 because I had no access to a car.

Tuesday night was try #3. This was either going to work or i was giving up. S was closed. I know it might be a slow night, but closed?! Then I remember that i'm not in New York anymore. Off to D. I looked in and there looked like there were 2 people there. Plus bartenders of course. I started walking away and noticed a guy heading towards me. As I walked away I saw he had turned around was heading toward me. Oh crap. It was dark, no-one was around. I quickly crossed the road and put my cellphone to my ear like I was talking to someone. I could last so long on the streets of New York, there's no way I'm coming home and getting mugged or anything.

But he called out to me, if you're looking for a party there's one up the road, and gave me the address. I had no idea who this guy was or what kind of party there was up the road. I told him i might pop by later and headed to my car. I went to X instead. And what a pretty place that was. A few older gays, some younger guys in the other room causing trouble. Did anyone say bar brawl? lol. I had a beer and left. This couldn't be happening, could it?

I decided I really needed to enjoy this night, one way or another. I went back to the 'party up the block' but couldn't hear any noise. Didn't sound like a party was going on there. What the hell was I doing there. Was I about to ring some stranger's doorbell at 11 o'clock at night? I tried looking over the fence, couldn't see anything into the house. I tried heading around the back to see what I could hear. There were definitely people there, gay people, drinking, talking, music in the background. Yep I was about to crash this party. I went around the front and rang the bell. Nothing. I pressed it again. Nothing. Was it even working? Could they not hear it?

I went around to the back again, and actually climbed the fence. "Could someone open the front gate?" Is that a neighbour? "No i'm not a neighbour, you're not making too much noise, can someone let me in?" That did it. I climbed down and went around to the front. The guy who opened the door had no idea who I was, but he led me in and says "well he's cute". Couldn't have asked for a better introduction. It was great getting to know some new people, and had a really fun time, staying till the early hours of the morning. This place doesn't have to be so bad after all :)

Of course the following Sunday I first met some straight friends for a drink, but I was bored so went back to check out the gays. Flashing lights, warning sounds. Fuck, foiled by my car again!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Coming out. Part 19563

I said I was going to do it, so I did it. I finally came out to my sister before I left New York. Yes I was freaking out, I don't think i've ever been so nervous. I prefaced what I told her with some things about girls i've dated so she knew whatever I was trying to tell her was related to that. When she saw how hard it was for me to get it out, she started guessing. Was I dating the african american girl who i was friends with and had pictures of her in my facebook album? No. Did I want to date girls from outside our community? No. Eventually I explained that the problem why the girls I was dating weren't working out, wasn't just because I was being set up with real losers. At which point she thought she knew what I was talking about, but I had yet to say the words. She said she thought she might know what I was trying to say but it couldn't could be. She said she'd guess, but if she was wrong, i had to promise to forget she ever guessed what she had in mind. I put us both of our misery and said it. Yeah. I'm gay.

She was pretty much in shock. What do you mean? You just haven't found the right girl yet. How could you know if you've never done anything with a girl before? I put us both at a disadvantage because as much as I tried to explain it to her, that it's not just something in my mind, but a physical thing, I didn't want to be going into graphic detail with the information. I didn't need to start telling her the things i'd done with guys, nor did I need to tell her just yet i'd even dated guys.

"So you're saying you want to sleep with men?" I don't even know how I answered that question. Yes, maybe, i dunno. How the hell am I supposed to tell my sister yes I want to sleep with men and have already been doing it?!

A positive thing I did get from her though was she asked what my future plans were. I didn't know. Did I plan on telling my parents? My siblings? At some point yeah, I guess. But I really had no idea where life was going to take me. She told me straight out, don't think you can just run away and forget about us. We are your family and we want you as part of our lives. No matter what you are.

If only I knew that's the reaction i'd get from everyone.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Gaydezvous gone horribly wrong

This post is a bit of a rant, a bit of an explanation, a bit of a hodge podge of what happened, part is from an email I sent him, part is just my feelings about it all.

I'm sorry if parts of this will sound harsh, but it is what it is and I hope you understand why i'm so upset. Meeting you was something i'd been looking forward to for months. We'd been chatting online for ages and spoken on the phone at length numerous times. I had no idea when I'd be able to meet you until you gave me the news, you were planning a trip to New York. It was to be my last weekend in NY. And then the week before I got sick and everything began to fall apart. I cancelled my saturday night plans, and kept my sunday free because that's when we were supposed to be hanging out (yes I actually did have to say no to people who wanted to hang out before I left). I'd planned on coming out to family member before i left (which i did btw), so really hanging out with you was pretty much the last thing I had to look forward to before I left.

Sunday afternoon became Sunday evening and the you called me to let me know you were going out with friends for dinner. I called you at 10, to see what you were up to and to let you know I was home and ready whenever. But you didn't answer. Well you'd see the missed call eventually, right?

I stayed home, sitting in front of the tv, bored, waiting for your phone call. And wait I did. By 12 I thought what the fuck is up with this guy? Maybe dinner became drinks. Maybe I just wasn't worth it. You knew how excited I was to see you, why would you brush me off like that? I called you again. Again it rang out.

By 1am I thought fuck it, and fuck him. I could've actually gone out with friends tonight and enjoyed myself. Tomorrow would be the day I finish packing, and the day after I'd be off to the airport. I went to sleep and I was very pissed off. I woke up, expecting to find a text or a missed call, or even an email. Something that might explain what the fuck happened, but there was none. A friend called, wanting to hang out. Yeah I'd seen him the week before but I was glad to have some company, we met in soho, and had coffee and just walked around a bit. Being out with him didn't take my mind off you. I ended up letting it all out on him how pissed off I was at you. At first I was telling him how I didn't give a shit if you called or not, but eventually that changed to I hope you call, just so I can reject the call and have it go to voicemail. That prompted him to declare that I had become a gay bitch. Maybe I had :)

I checked my email at the Apple store and surprise surprise, there was a message from you. You had lost your cellphone and your blackberry and the internet where you were staying stopped working and had no way of contacting me. You said they had been turned in and you were on your way to get them and would call me in an hour. That message arrived a good few hours prior, but you hadn't called.

I guess what happened was better than finding out that you were having too good a time with your other friends and you got back too late and just couldn't be fucked so you smoked a joint and went to bed, but it still hurt. And I was still angry. Shit happens I know, but I wish I hadn't gotten so excited about meeting you. Thinking I was going to and having it not happen was way worse than had I initially thought I wouldn't see you for a few more months.

I needed to speak to you about something and you still hadn't called so I tried calling you. And what do you know, you actually answered. I pretty much cut to the chase, asking what I wanted, and when you tried to explain to me everything that happened I cut you off, telling you I wasn't interested right then and hung up on you. Yeah I think I am a bit of a bitch, lol.

I called you a few hours later, but you were busy with work and promised to call me later. You did, after midnight, and I was already in bed. You explained everything that had happened, apologized and asked what I had planned for the next day. Well the next day I was off to the airport.

Maybe we had diferent ideas of what was actually going to happen, or what we wanted to happen, but NY is gone. A missed opportunity. I know I spoke to you from the airport and you said you'd make the trip to see me, but that doesn't come close to what could've happened in NY. In new york i had as much freedom as i wanted, and here i'm still learning how far i can push the boundaries. Me travelling to see you would be another option, and maybe had we met in new york i'd be making plans to visit soon. But we didn't, so who knows what's gonna happen in the future :(

Yeah i know it's crazy and I sound like a drama queen. I want to be mad at you, but I can't. I like you too much for that. Wow it was good to get that off my chest!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Weekend finale

My last weekend in New York was a bit of a disaster. I went away with some family to visit some family, I wasn't feeling the best but I didn't have much choice and this was sort of a goodbye weekend too. Over shabbat I got worse, and I even wondered if i'd be able to travel home that week or whether i'd have to extend my ticket. I saw the doc who told me I could travel, just get some sinus medication, so thats what I did.

I had plans for that Saturday night that I cancelled. I had plans for Sunday that sort of cancelled on me (more on that in the next post). Monday was my last day and I was going to fit in as much as I could. Packing, packing, packing. I took a break to meet a friend for coffee in Soho, and I was still pissed off about what happened the previous day and I let it all out. His response was that i'd turned into a gay bitch, lmao. Maybe I had, but i was livid about how things had turned out.

Anyway we had coffee and lunch and just hung out till I had to go home. I had dinner plans that night and just couldn't find the time to hang out with Reb and Elana (one is my wife, one is my ex, not sure which is which tho) so that will have to wait till I come back to the good old US of A.