Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Wow! What a response!

Given the huge response to my last post, i decided to come up with my own stuff to write about.

I had a dream yesterday. I was supposed to be starring in a porno. Until the director saw me with no clothes on. No washboard stomach. No abs. And i got cut from the film. No big loss, i mean do i really want my fat ass plastered all over websites? Well yeah if it looked like some porn star with a great body! Nah I think porn is definitely not for me, only watching it, and dreaming about starring in it.

Another topic for tonight is getting caught. I think i posted before that i've been doing quite alot of things I shouldn't be doing. Well from a jewish religious perspective. Besides the usual jacking off, watching porn, cyber sex stuff, i think i've mentioned before i've been doing other things too, like breaking the sabbath and jewish holidays. As long as I don't get caught, then things are ok. If i get caught, well all hell breaks loose. When i do this it's usually i'm online in my room, chatting, blogging, watching tv shows or porn, or text messaging from my phone. It has happened once that I woke up about 6am one sabbath morning, before anyone had woken up and my laptop was still on my bed from the night before, still on. I must've fallen asleep like that. I'm so glad i managed to get rid of it before someone else saw it there. But this week on rosh hashana, a similar thing happened. I was woken up by someone opening my door. Thank god they didn't walk in because my laptop was on my bed again with my cellphone. It was closed and off, but still a very compromising position, and one that i wouldnt have been able to wiggle myself out of.

Lastly i want to talk about marriage. Other people's marriages for once, not my own. One of my sisters recently got married. The wedding was amazing! But it hit me on what it is i'm going to be missing out on. Family and friends celebrating something special. It's one thing i don't think i'm going to get to experience. And it upsets me. I have no idea how anyone will react to me being gay. Will family or friends reject me? Will i miss out on seeing my nephews, nieces and cousins growing up? And there's nothing i can do about it.

I also feel like i've lost my best friend. Out of all my siblings she was the one i was closest to. If she had any questions, she'd usually ask me for advice. Dating advice, work advice, how to ask her boss for a raise, clothing and fashion advice - what to buy, what outfit to wear, what shoes look better, lol. I'd often meet her at her office and go out for lunch. We were really close. Well we are still are really close, and he husband is a really nice guy and i'm very happy for them. But i miss her. He is now her confidant. She hangs out with him, rather than with me. It's like i've lost the one thing closest to me.

Enough writing for now, have a great day/evening/night


Yaakov said...

hey jay! another great post - keep 'em coming! and have a great new year!

Anonymous said...

Come out now, before you completely lose it. If your family rejects you, then well, they were never worth the pain you are putting yourself though to begin with. If you are worried about college, The Point Foundation can help.

Jay said...

Audrey, i'm not coming out yet so u can give it a rest ;)