Monday, November 10, 2008

So i'm here...

And i'm bored, lol. There is nothing on TV and i have to find things to do when i'm not working. Of course that isn't why you're reading this blog. I think kosher wise, i'm not going to do much about that, thats a big thing and i'm not ready for that, if i ever will be. I didn't put on teffilin yesterday. It wasnt that i had in mind not to, i just didn't do it straight away in the morning, then i had things to do, and went for a nap because i was exhausted, and slept till night. I forgot all about it. I don't think its the first time that has happened though.

What else is doing... i'm getting a bit of a taste of my own medicine. Well not quite that, but it is what people warned me about. I've started to come out to more and more people online. Really all i'm looking for is friends. I want to talk to people, chat to people. And the people i try to approach just don't seem to be interested. I try Fb, aim, MSN. There's only so many times i will attempt to chat with a person before i just decide i'm wasting my time. And i don't want to seem too desperate. Do i keep on trying or what?

9 comments:

Yaakov said...

i can relate. i find that when im the only active one in a friendship, then it's not a friendship worth working on. i do what i can to try to keep things going with friends, but when i don't feel enough in return, then i respond in kind, and i just try to focus on the other good friendships i have. when i try too hard then i just feel worse, so i get nothing out of it. the worst case is when i start losing someone i used to be close with - i think about the good times and it really sucks. in that case i try harder and throw myself out there, making myself more vulnerable, but i guess it is worth it then.

and about the tefillin - i dont think ive ever missed a day, tho ive had many days where i put on my tefillin just as it's getting dark. and just yesterday i didn't put on my tzitzis, which might have been a first. lately i've not been wearing them all day, and yesterday i forgot about them - so im sort of bummed about that. but it's not such a big deal (i keeo telling myself lol).

Jay said...

It only makes sense that there will be some negative experiences amongst the possitive ones,but it still sucks. I try, i really do. But i have to be honest with myself. Just because a guy sounds interested doesn't mean he really is.

j

David said...

There are lots of game players out there even if you don't have a secret identity. People look for the new and unless you have some real commonality with them, like the same tv shows or music or certain life experiences, it is hard to sustain a relationship. It easier to keep up with people that you've actually met on these sites then strangers, at least for me.

steven said...

gosh jay, firstly i hope ur trip is going well. secondly - abt ur tefillin issue. Okay I may have had days when i purposely ignored reality and did not done my philactories. Other days I put em on for a quick shema or maybe a mincha, that is what happened today. I was in a shul and I asked a friend if I could borrow his cause I left my house too early to go to a minyan. Also, in general I do go to shacharis daily. Some days I come in by barchu, but hey I am there... So basically, it's a daily struggle. And if u want a reason why I skip certain days the only idea I have is that I simple don;t care enough, but who knows...

Next, you mentioned the issue of contacting guys. Lemme just mention that in general on the fake profiles you will be unaware that they are really of much older men or rabbis posing as kids trying to change gay conceptions. But even for those guys that you know are legit, well they may be too closeted to come out to a guy that seems so open. Also, try not to give your ID out so openly, because it may eventually come to haunt you or bring situations too close to home.

In closing, I want to point out to Yaakov who comment above about a tzitzis dillema - sometimes it's hot, others it's a burden, but yea it's a great thing you always where yours and I hope we all have the inner courage to find reason enough to wear our own so often. Personally, I don;t see enough reason to where them. Also, in davening I make a bracha having in mind that I wish I had them on. I guess I have a switch that goes on and off, i dunno. But, today I did where em an entire day, wahoo...

Jay said...

D: I'm probably a bit guilty of that myself, so maybe i shouldnt be complaining so much ;)

S: I wouldn't exactly call it a tefillin issue. If i actually cared, then it'd be an issue.

The guys i chat to are not older guys or rabbis, lol. Me? Open? Lol, 99.9% of them are out, so i don't think thats an issue.

Now about tzitzis, where did i say i still wear them? I don't get so bothered about all this religious stuff any more.

j

Anonymous said...

Jay,
You seem like a very nice young man. I admire you for your honesty in confronting your feelings about being gay and remaining an observant Jew. I also feel your seeking companionship is nothing out of the normal whether you're gay or straight.
Just take care as some of those who have posted suggested. People can be cruel and dishonest or simply afraid themselves about who they are and what they want.
I hope you continue to be as frum as possible, but, really, the main thing is to remain a Jew and a man true to himself whatever his path.
The only choice you have at the end is how observant you are. You have no choice regarding your response to other men.
Take it, as the goyim say, one day at a time.
Best of luck to you.

Jay said...

Thanks anonymous. That's all I am, a nice young man ;)

I do take care and i realise that not everyone will want to be friends with me, or chat, and i'm getting over it. It just takes time...

j

nrgdocadams said...

Jay, you and I are facebook Friends. My name is Luke Adams. I'm openly gay, and I'm ordained to the ministry (I'm a Gnostic priest). I have several friends who are (very) observant Jews who are openly gay. I don't know where you actually live, but there are several synagogues that are run by the LGBT Jewish Community -- there's one here in San Francisco (Sha'ar Zahav), there's one in Washington, DC (Bet Mispachah), there's one in Los Angeles (Kol Ami), there are, I think, a few in New York City, and there are others elsewhere. There are also quite a few progressive Conservative and Reform congregations that are very accepting, as well as some congregations of Renewal and Reconstructionist movement Jews who often maintain considerable observance and are, at the same time, quite welcoming of openly gay people and of the reality of our sex lives and love lives. Rabbi Michael Lerner and the Tikkun Community can be a useful resource here. The most important thing to remember is that who you are as a gay man will never cut you off from communion with your Sovereign G-d, as the eloquent writings of Hillel so clearly illustrate. Please feel free to write to me at any time you feel the need or want to do so -- but, please, spare me any dissembling or dishonesty. I feel that rigorous honesty is at least as important as the philactory on your brow. A blessing on you.

Jay said...

thanks for the info luke :)