Friday, October 24, 2008

My life undercover, pt.2

This may seem a bit jumpy, but i write as things pop into my head, so bear with me. Thanks

I could say the internet is where i got most of my 'material' and info from. It was also the reason i nearly got caught a few times. Once i was on and needed a credit card to prove i was legal to view the stuff. I used my mother's card and accidentally went too far and must've agreed to join because i was suddenly a member. Shit! I freaked out and emailed them saying i mistakenly joined, please cancel, which they did, gladly. Though the credit card statement arrived and there was a charge for playgirl . com. Of course they had no clue what it was and it didn't click that it was something internet related, but since there was a credit too they didn't look into it to much.

Another time i had signed up to a service (free of course) that would send daily emails to you with some pics and a hot story. Of course once i didn't clear the history from my browser and my brother saw it. He asked me about it and i blamed a friend of his (long story which will prob come later). I guess he bought it, or didn't really want to know.

Ok i think i need to steer away from porn and actually talk about my life. My family is quite religious and therefore strict in certain senses. I went to an all boys school (yay) and had a crush on another student in my year. I was a good kid, i did well in school, i was a school prefect, everything was going well. In my world, being ultra religious means limited contact with people of the opposite sex, other than family, so not only did i not have a girlfriend, it was expected that i wouldn't - another bonus, lol.

After i finished high school i went to study in various yeshivahs around the world. In every location there was someone i had the hots for, and tended to gravitate towards them and hang arounf them/their dorm room, being very friendly. This allowed me to see them in various states of undress, lol. Yeah i'm a horny bastard what can i say. In one place i got pretty close with a bunch of girls . I looked at it as though we were friends, but others weren't impressed with my actions. It's funny how girls have a gay best friend, thats sort of what it was like, but not to others who chose to create problems for me because of it.

That's my general background, but what about my life now? Life isn't bad. I'm at the age where i'm supposed to be married already, and if not married, then dating looking for the one. So i date a bit, i don't have any other option. I live in a city where the jewish community is fairly small and not that open minded, at least not on these issues. I'd love to move away to a place where i could be myself, yet i'd hate to be away from my family and friends. Some people say when you come out you find out who your real friends are, but i'm not ready for anything that drastic. For me to do something like that i'd need to have an escape plan in place, because i'll probably feel like escaping from here once people start to find out the truth. Until then, i'm going to be living my life as i've been living it until now... in the closet.


Anonymous said...

I know you don't want to hear this, but damn it, if your family can't love you for who you are, they're not worth all the emotional summer salts you put your self though.

Jay said...

I don't think my family are the problem, but i think many other people would be. I'm just not ready to put myself in a situation yet where i have to find out what people's reactions would be.

Anonymous said...

You may not be ready to come out, and that's fine with me. Just one question: Are you ready to die in the closet?

Jay said...

Ready to die in the closet? No and i don't expect to!

Anonymous said...

as another orthodox (modern) jew, here's my 2 cents

given that youre not planning on dying in the closet (as per your comment above), then why not simply pull the trigger and get on living now?

that was my thought process, at least. i knew i would *eventually* be out, and knew that life would be more fulfilling (if not "easier") once i was. so i do some quick math and determined it would be better to come out sooner than later, and get those extra years of a fulfilling life.

it certainly hasn't been an easy ride -- and the hardest part is the idea that coming out makes being gay more "real".

but trying to take the longer perspective, looking back from my deathbed, i think my only regret will have been not coming out even earlier to get even more from life. (and also, avoid sinking even deeper into the quicksand -- the false sense of security -- that prevents you from wanting to come out).

Anonymous said...

to clarify the last thought of my comment -- the longer we live in the image of the straight ortho guy, the harder it becomes to emerge from it. so dont expect a time when you will be more "ready" or the timing will be more "right". it's only getting less and less "right".

Anonymous said...

What if one (or both) of your parents dies tomorrow, they will go to their graves never truly knowing their son. Do you want that?

dpaste said...

My two cents:

It took me quite a while to come out and I wasn't in the Orthodox Jewish world. I was in my late 20's when I finally owned up to who I was, let alone told anyone.

But once I accepted who I was, I wasted no time in becoming who I was.

Imagine if all the energy you put into living stealthily and dodging dating issues and creating false profiles, imagine if that energy could be directed towards living a life that was open? How much more could you accomplish? How much more energy would you have to do things you enjoy instead of things that concealed who you are?

Your family will either come around or they won't. If they really love you, they will. They will find a way, even if it means they have to hide that love from their community.

I think you are wise to have an escape plan in place, because if you are living where I think you are living, you will not be able to stay there long once you are out. But I urge you to start working on that plan sooner rather than later.

The gay world, while great in many ways, can be unforgiving to those who come out rather late in life. It can be an ageist and shallow world and if you want the flexibility to find your way in it, better to give yourself as much time as possible in that world.

I don't want to put too much pressure on you, but like a woman who is growing older and still has not had a child, be aware that your biological gay clock is ticking.

Jay said...

Audrey, death is not an option right now ;)

Dave: You do have some valid points. I could put my energy into better things. But everything needs planning, and an emergency escape plan. All i can say is i'm just not ready yet.

I reckon my family will come around, they're not too hardcore, i think. But it's just everyone else. I couldn't imagine hanging around here after i did come out.

Anyway time is ticking....

Anonymous said...

Where do you live exactly? Lakewood, Monsey, Flatbush?

Jay said...

AB: Maybe one of the above, maybe not. It's not really important

Anonymous said...

i hope we'll get a more thorough response :)

Jay said...

Don't count on it ;)