Why does sex have to be so complicated?!

I should preface this post by stating that contrary to popular belief, i'm no ho. Do I have sex with random people? Yes I do. But I don't go around looking for sex, i'm just as interested, if not more interested in just finding friends to hang with, and if something happens, well then it happens.

I have a love/hate relationship with random sex. Random sex is exactly what it sounds like, sex with some random person. It doesn't really matter where you meet them, it's usually fun and satisfying. Of course there are times where things don't quite go according to 'plan'. If I'm going to have sex with someone, i usually make it pretty clear that i'm not looking for a relationship. My online profile even says so. I met up with 1 guy a while weeks ago and he seemed like a regular guy, but he was just too much for me. Very submissive, and just not my type. I went home and he just wouldn't give up. For the next week at least he would send me texts, he would phone me and leave me voice mails, he would message me on facebook. Even after I told him to delete my number from his phone and he said he would, he still didn't let up. Thank god he was the only person that I had a negative experience with... so far.


But there are other ways things can be fine, but then not work out the way I want. Like one of the guys I met up with last week. Don't get me wrong, he was a real nice guy, very passionate, we had lots of fun. Besides the fact that his profile said he was 7 years younger than he actually was (and to be honest had I known he was that much older I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance), all night he was telling me how amazing and perfect I was. And then after I left his place he sent me a text message which read in part "What can I say? Wow. Thank you for an awesome night. Been a long time since I enjoyed myself that much. Let me take you to dinner sometime?...." Ok hold on for a sec. He wants to take me to dinner. Does that constitute a date?

I'm all for a friend with benefits, or fuck buddy as some call them. But where does it end? I'd be up for having another romp in the sack (and we're already planning it lol) but I'm slightly concerned about what he's thinking. Is he thinking this guy is into me maybe we can takes thing to the next level? Do I just give off the wrong vibe? I'm not an asshole, I'm sweet and maybe a little shy. Does that mean that since I don't say clearly no this is NOT what I want, they just assume that things are going well and and want to see where things go? If he just wants a round 2, then why complicate things with dinner?

As much fun as it is, that's all it is. You can have as much sex as you want, but the more you do, the more you realise something is missing in your life. I'm not against dating and relationships, far from it. Just not with these guys. I know what I want, I know the kind of guy I want, in fact I have someone in mind and I'm hoping to see him soon. Not sure how easy it will be to make a go of things, being that we live in different cities, but i'd like to see how things can be worked out, if that's even possible. Maybe not now, but at some point. One thing I do know is that I like him, and I miss him, and I can't wait to see him again :)
J

Being Gay In The Orthodox World

I know a post about part 2 of my coming out is due, but this is news and thought it should be blogged about. I'm sure lots people who read this blog either attended the event at Yeshiva University, or have already read about it. But this is for everyone else. Kol hakavod to the panelists, it really took alot of guts to get up there and say what you did.


Being Gay In The Orthodox World: A Conversation with Members of the YU Community, was hosted by the YU Tolerance Club and Wurzweiler School of Social Work. Of course I wasn't in New York but had I been, I would've liked to have been there. I'm not really going to talk much about it. I just thought I'd put this out there, and see what everyone else thinks.

Here's a link to the transcript found on another blog The Curious Jew.

Alot can be lost in a written transcript, so here are some links to videos taken of the event - click here.

Finally here are some links to the media attention it received.

The Jerusalem Post

The Jewish Star

The YU Commentator

Now it's all out there, this is only the beginning, i can assure you. I'd love to know what my readers think of the whole thing.

J

Coming Out Part 1

I know there's no way i can possibly do this post justice, it's been a good few weeks and there's just so much that has happened it's going to be a struggle to try to remember all of it, but i'll give it my best.

Where do i even begin?! I never planned it this way, but it happened. You all know about the things that were going on behind the scenes and the fact that I knew all about them. It seemed that they were just trying to come up with a way to approach me about it, or at least hope that I would finally just tell them. My mother started asking questions and essentially gave me a 24 hour deadline to give her some answers. Yeah thanks mum. I started things rolling by having a chat to my sister and sending regards from a friend of mine that she'd called after going thru my mobile phone bill. Yeah that's right, i knew all about it!

Later that day i just thought fuck it, and spilled the beans to my mum. Obviously while she knew already she didn't really understand what it meant. How did I know? Had something happened to me? Some of her major concerns were:
did I want to change? (clearly she'd been in touch with my siblings about this);
she was worried about me getting AIDS since obviously i'd have multiple partners; she was concerned about me not having kids and 'continuity', whatever the hell that meant;
she was also concerned about me mixing with non jewish gay people. I do want to make some gay friends around here, whats the difference if they're jewish or not?!
But don't I want kids? Isn't that enough reason to see if you can try and change? She also made mention of someone calling me from the US but when she answered the phone they gave a name and hung up on her.


Later that night, we ended up having a family meeting. My siblings were brought up to speed by my mother, and it turned into a huge discussion. The who, what, how, why and when. They admitted to going through my phone bill, seeing who I've been calling, but said it only began because it was noticed i'd used my phone on shabbat (like that's an excuse?!?)

My father barely said a word, except for forbidding me from contacting this gay non-jewish friend i'd made. As if i'd break off contact because he decided so. Gimme a break! Things certainly got heated, good thing there were others there to calm him down, because there was no way I was backing down!

Obviously they got all emotional, because I explained to them I couldn't/wouldn't stay religious, and obviously would leave the community at some point. Things sort of improved from there, I was told that they'd accept me, and they wanted me to stay because no-one was throwing me out.

They mentioned therapy and getting help to change but I wasn't interested. I gave my whole spiel about that kind of stuff, and obviously they weren't prepared for me to be so against it, but I know more about it than they do. I've done my research, I know people who have gone through it, and it's something that I don't believe can really work, nor do I think the possible negative reactions to it are worth it.

I thought things went ok and later that night I spoke to my mum, and I honestly can't remember the last time we'd had such an honest and open talk. It was really great and she seemed to be ok with things, even though she didn't quite 'get it'.

So much more to be revealed in part 2! The highs, the lows, and the real crazy stuff!

I came out today to my family

Well that's the latest news. I wasn't sure I was going to do it today. But I did. I've got so much to write about it, how it went down, who I told, things that were revealed, and the family discussions that occurred post coming out. Right now I'm too tired to make a whole post out it, so i'll leave it at that and say stay tuned!
j

Don't cry for me Argentina... the truth is I never left you

Well i think it's time I came back to this post and finished it off, since I started it over 2 months ago! I hope I can remember what I got up to. Well, i definitely remember the fun parts ;)

You probably should know by now that I was in South America back in August. Being in the US on a tourist visa means I can stay for 6 months, so when that time comes up I have to leave. I didn't want to go home and I didn't think it would be that easy for me to leave back to NY if I did. I could've gone to Europe but I'd been to quite a few places in Europe and wanted to try something different. South America was one place i'd never been to, but being in NYC it's probably as close as i'm going to get to it, so why the hell not?!

I have some family in Argentina so I spent some time with them, but alot of the time I did my own thing. I also had a friend from NY in Argentina. Well he wasn't exactly a friend, I knew who he was but we had some friends in common who suggested we connect. And connect we did :) I only had a week there so I tried to make the most of it. Things were fairly cheap (coming from New York with US dollars). Food, transport, Museums. Lots of things to do there.


I began by taking a free walking tour of the city. It was great to get an overview of the city as well as its history from a local. It was a few hours long and met a wide variety of people. A retired couple from California, people from all over Europe and even an Australian. We saw the main sights like the Congresso, we walked along Avenida de Mayo and came across a protest - whats new. Another day, another protest.

I checked out cool areas like Palermo Soho, the botanical gardens and the Evita Museum. There is a kosher McDonalds there, i think I was there almost every day for lunch! The subway is soooo cheap! Less than 30c US a ride, and cabs are cheap too, but I did alot of walking because thats the best way to see the sights. I walked through Recoleta, I cruised along Avenida Santa Fe, saw lots of embassies, the jockey club, and even got kicked out of the Sofitel hotel because I wasn't a paying guest. I mean really?! All I was doing is sitting on a couch!

Now here comes the fun part. I googled gay nightlife to see what the clubs were like and where they were. I wasn't sure if I'd go but it was an idea. But things start reeeeeeealy late over there. People aren't eating dinner till about 10pm, no-one goes out clubbing till 12, or even more likely 1am. So I met up with my friend P. We started off at someone's house for drinks. I met a bunch of his friends, they were all doing some kind of study in Argentina and they were from all over the world. Eventually it was time to hit the club. It was called Club 69 and had a drag show as part of the entertainment. We all got in and it was packed! Had to stick to basic drinks because these people just didn't know more than that. First time ever having a screwdriver with freshly squeezed OJ. Nothing better!

I got hit on by a bunch of girls. There was a guy that was eyeing me on the dancefloor but I wasn't interested. I had my eye on someone else actually but he was hanging with another guy. But I stuck around anyway. Eventually when his friend went off I made my move, and his friend returned only to find us making out, well he wasn't impressed. But my boy kicked his venezuelan ass away and we continued what we were doing. He was Australian and cute! Funny thing happened though, the boy that had shown interest in me earlier went up to this guy and whispered something in his ear. I asked my aussie friend what the guy had said. His answer? That he'd made the right choice! :) We literally spent a couple hours just standing there on the side making out. Too bad neither of us had a place to go back to. We were both tourists in a foreign country. By the time we called it a night and I got back home it was 6am. A fun night as always :)


Ok what else did I see in Argentina... back to the regular touristy things. checked out the Obelisk, went out to eat a number of times. I checked out the San Telmo markets, Recoleta cemetary where Evita is buried, La Boca stadium and the camanito area. I also went out with P again, this time to dinner at a kosher place called Mama Jacinta. I was a bit concerned because what if it turned out to be lousy, i'd never eaten there. And he brought a bunch of his international friends along. It actually turned out really nicely. The food was great, as was the company.

Of course I can't forget churros. They're sort of like a long doughnut, and often served with hot chocolate. My guidebook recommended La Giralda as the best place to have them in BA. They were absolutely divine! And of course I couldn't leave without getting a shoe shine from a street vendor.


All in all it was an amazing trip, and I hope to make it back someday and do all the things i missed out on. And of course practice my spanish!
Jay

Prayers for Bobby

Back when I was in New York I saw a movie called Prayers for Bobby. It was a made for TV movie, and premiered on Lifetime early in the year. It just goes to show how much TV i watch because not only didn't I know about it, but I didn't even know we had Logo! What kind of gay man am I?! So I downloaded the movie and watched it at home.


What can I say but if you ever want to watch a movie and have a good cry, this is one to watch! I highly recommend it. In short it's about a gay teenager whose mother (played by Sigourney Weaver) refuses to accept that she has a gay son. She believes god can cure him of what she considers his 'sin' and persuades Bobby to pray harder and seek solace in church activities in hopes of changing him. He ends up becoming withdrawn and depressed. He moves away, finds a boyfriend, but eventually his depression and self loathing intensify and is driven to suicide.

Faced with the tragedy, she begins to question herself, and her beliefs, joins PFLAG and eventually becomes an advocate for gay rights. It's a powerful film and make sure you have a box of tissues with you.



I can see some similarities between his life and my own. While mine won't end up like his did (i hope), but the same religious sentiment will be there. Just pray more, want it more, and you can be cured. Well it doesn't quite work that way.

J

Hi. My name is Jay. And I'm a gay porn distributor

I don't even know how to begin this post, or what to call it. I'm completely lost for words. As everything I thought I knew crashes down beside me, I'm lost. I know whats coming, and I know how to handle it. Well I convince myself I can handle it. But i'm not so sure. The pressure is building up and I just don't know how much more I can take of it. As I sit here typing this, I think of all my friends. My support group. I need someone, and every person that knows what i'm going through, is at the other end of the world. Oh my god, i cannot believe I'm sitting here crying as I type this.


For once I want to be selfish. I want to care about what i'm going through, and ignore everything that they're going through. Yes they found out their son and brother is gay. Deal with it. Ok I need a break to compose myself... Actually I think i'm going to call it a night.

Well good morning. I'm going to try this again and I think I should start from the beginning. I have access to some of my family member's email accounts (one benefit of having set up some of the accounts myself). I'm not one to invade other people's privacy, usually. But once I received an email from my mother that was addressed to my sister about my 'drug use'. Obviously she'd emailed it to me by mistake. I got that email and thought 'what?!?' What are these people on about?! I knew I had to dig deeper and find out. If they thought I was on drugs, what else were they talking about me? I did approach my sister about the email but she said she had been joking and my mother had taken it seriously. Ever since then I had occasionally logged in to see what was being discussed about me, besides my drug use ;) . Ever since I'd come out to my sister however, things had taken a turn. I felt I needed to keep closer tabs on conversations about me. Especially since I had entrusted to her some information that I did not want shared around. I told her she could tell her husband, but that was about it.


I'd log in, do a search of my name, and a search of the word gay, and see what came up. Yesterday however I saw something that worried me. There was an email thread between her and one of my brothers. It was titled 'do you know ______?'. The name was one of my gay friends in New York. This could not be good news. I quickly forwarded it to myself and removed all traces that I'd done that. I then sat down to read from the bottom. What I saw scared the shit out of me.

It had been noticed that I had been using my cellphone on shabbat, the sabbath. But then again I hadn't been keeping the sabbath properly for a while. Only they didn't know that. The number was googled and traced back to this friend of mine. So now what? There were other numbers too. Google turned up nothing. What is there to do but to call them? But who would call them? They decided they needed access to my cellphone. It was then that I decided my cellphone would not be leaving my side. Ever. Bathroom? Shower? Forever with me. Then more news came up. One of the numbers was traced back to someone at a gay sports club. That was not good at all. They decided that they needed to have a GPS tracker installed in my car or I needed to be followed one night when I went out. How they would do it without me recognizing the car, they didn't know. So much for me having a fun night out every now and then.


What about this one number that I was in touch with alot? And when I say alot, I mean ALOT! I'm a big texter, plus i'd called him a number of times. He was a good friend. And yes he was gay. There was actually a discussion on who would be better to call him. My brother or my sister. My sister said she didn't mind calling, but she thought if it's a girl calling my friend might be cautious, but if it's a guy calling, my friend would be open. My brother replied 'but gay guys also have girlfriends!' Seriously this was getting crazier and funnier the further I read.

They decided that she'd call, blocking her number and say I got a missed call from you or something like that. She called him, and he actually gave her his name. She said "btw he was really nice and sounds gay :( " My brother found his facebook profile pic and decided he looked gay. Seriously these people were crazy! And hello, can you say invasion of privacy? It's bad enough that they're looking into me, but investigating my friends? That was just not on!

There was some discussion about me not knowing what they were up to and how crazy it was. Well I'm one step ahead of you people! Both of them had mutual facebook friends with this guy, and my brother decided he'd ask some people about him. Oy! I hated the fact that he was getting dragged into this. Not that he can't take care of himself, but it's bad enough that it's happening to me, but my friends too?

The next one was the funniest of the lot. My mother believed I had become a porn distributor. Seriously i'm just lost for words. What the hell?! I mean seriously? Are you crazy?! The question was really how far was I involved with this guy? The answer was pretty simple. I'm not. We're friends. That's it. Good friends, yeah. But just friends.

The detectives then set out to do more work, they needed to access my phone, or my email and facebook account. Good luck with that! But they actually did research on him. I'd called his work so they called his work too, and asked someone about him. My sister then realizes she's met him before. Haha, she remembers he's a nice guy. Well I could've told her that if she'd asked! They wondered why I was mixing with non-jewish gays and not just jewish gays. And was I sleeping with people. Yeah, none of their business really.

Anyway things then got more serious. They'd pretty much confirmed that yes I was gay. They then looked for solutions. One of which was Jonah - Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. A jewish organization that recommends reparative therapy. While I didn't have any personal experience with them, I'd heard first hand accounts from alot of my friends who had gone through it. Some things troubled me, well alot of things troubled me. They claimed to my sister to have an 85% success rate. Yet for the head of the organization have a child who was living as an out gay man, just didn't sit right. Or a book that he wrote and mentioned one of his success stories, who funnily enough is living as a gay man. Some success stories those are about them being able to cure homosexuality. He name dropped a couple of respected rabbis that know of his organization and their work. I was a bit concerned about this because of course there were rabbis who didn't have a clue what they were talking about. But they hear of this organization that can supposedly cure homosexuality so they recommend them.


My sister called one of them, he didn't know of their organization or their work. Some reference he turned out to be. The other i've heard from friends has a negative opinion of reparative therapy too. So that might be something in my favor. One thing they did not do is contact a rabbi who has written a book about Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality. At least he would have done his research and know what he was talking about.

One good thing I did find was that they were aware of the dangers of reparative therapy. It could lead to depression, requiring drugs to keep me 'normal' or suicide. In fact, The American Psychological Association adopted a resolution earlier this year stating that mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments. I'd much rather believe medical professionals than some clueless rabbis or an organization that make their money off this kind of thing.

One thing is clear, my whole family knows. When my parents decide to leave the house together for a couple hours and don't tell me where they're going, thats just weird. More funny stuff appeared such as my father wanting to hire an investigator. Is that really necessary? You know i'm gay already, get over it! My mother visits my aunt to make calls about it from her house panicking. My mom blames my brother for not picking up on it. My sister says my parents should've picked up on it while I was living at home.

Seriously I'm not sorry one bit for putting them through this. They deserve it. They've been discussing points that need to be told to me, such as I have to want to change. And gays are known to have aids and always sleep around. And no one stays with their partner long because they feel they're always missing something. Hey we may be promiscuous sometimes, but really? I almost laughed while reading this.

While reading all this I was totally freaking out. I'd put up alot of barriers around me and they were all crashing down. To find out in one swoop that they all knew, that was alot to handle. I left the house, made up an excuse that I had some errands to do. I started calling people. My friend that they'd already called, my friends that they were planning on calling. Whoever they were planning to call I told if someone calls, play hardball with them. Be a real bastard if you want.

I know they'll push me into some sort of therapy. I don't need therapy. I'm 100% fine, I'm happier now than i've ever been in my life. I know where i'm going, I know what I want out of life. And I know how to achieve that. If they want to set me up to talk to someone, i have no problem talking to someone. If it'd make them realise that I'm gay and won't change, that is. But reparative therapy?. I won't put myself into a situation that is a danger to my life. In a place where it's quite possible i'll end up depressed and/or suicidal. I'd rather be happy and gay than miserable living a drug induced 'straight' life.

And for those of you who may say i've given up, or I don't want to change, I say I am what I am. It's the way I was born and nothing you can do will change that. I've accepted it. Why can't you?

I think one day I'll actually post those emails on here. It'll turn my blog into a comedy!
J

Short 'n sweet

This post is about my Sunday night out with a friend. It's gonna be a quickie, because this one friend likes his privacy. I actually wrote an extended post, but it's not going up. So here it is. I picked him up from his place, went to a couple bars, had a few drinks, had a nice time, dropped him home.

The end.

Hooking up with guys online

No I'm not talking about cybersex. I met up with another guy via an online method. I'd met up with someone from facebook and we know how that turned out. This time I was trying gaydar. Found a guy, we'd swapped pics, chatted quit a bit over a few days. So we decide to meet. I went to his place of course. And had some fun, i don't really need to go into specifics.


The problems began when he says to me he doesn't want it to be just about sex. Uh oh. They always do this. I was pretty clear what I wanted wasn't I?
"I want you to stay the night."
"I don't think I can."
"But I want you to."
"I can't."

Soon it was "how about tomorrow night?"
"I can't then either."
"I want you to stay the night, and I want to cook you breakfast in the morning".
"It's not gonna happen"

I left but then I started receiving texts from him. I told him straight out, i'd be in touch when I wanted to see him again. I really am a nice guy and find it hard to be a bitch to people. But he just didn't get it.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No, i just need to work some things out. When i'm ready you'll hear from me"
"Well i'll leave the ball in your court"

I thought that might be the end of it. How wrong I was. Texts, phone calls, voicemails. He wanted to see me again. Did he not get it?!
"I want to see you again"
"Sorry, but no"

I stopped replying to them because it was getting annoying.

But eventually i'd had enough. And that what I told him. Enough already, please delete my number from your phone and don't contact me again.
His reply? I'd delete your number and won't contact you again.
My reply? Thank you.

Of course the next morning my phone vibrated. Yep it was another text from him.
"It doesn't have to end this way. I want to see you again"
I didn't respond. He called and not only did I not answer, but I rejected the call so he'd realise. But he left me another voicemail.

What is it that you don't get? I'm not interested. But even when I tell you i'm not interested you think you can save it or something. Nothing to be worried about, i'm 100% fine. Just not fucking interested!

Hooking up is fun, but this is not the way it's supposed to end up. I think I just may give up on the online thing. I never did it before, and I prefer sizing them up in person first. A bar, a club, something, anything.

jay

Don't. Get. Caught!

Of course no-one wants to be caught doing anything that others wouldn't approve of. While living in New York, i'd done my own thing. Now i got home and no-one knew the real me. I didn't keep shabbat, i didn't do a lot of things, and they still thought I was their good little son.


Well that was until late one Friday night. Not a creature was stirring, everyone was asleep. Time for me to connect the internet. Yeah I know, bad move. If anyone would get up, they'd see. It's not like I needed to go online. But I did it anyway. And my mother woke up. I thought she must've seen it. There's no way she could've missed it. When I heard her go back to bed I went and unplugged the cord. I heard her crying in her bed. Fuck.

There was nothing that could be done about it. She came to me in the morning and asked about it. There was no denying it. She asked for a reason. And I didn't have one for her. She promised not to tell my father, which was good for me, but that didn't help her. Was I an internet addict? No. Was I being cyber-bullied? No. Then why would I go online on shabbat? Who did I need to contact at the time? No-one. I just couldn't tell her the truth. Because I just don't care anymore.

She has asked me numerous times since then, but I still don't have an answer for her. She's disappointed in me, but there's nothing for me to say. I can't tell her the truth, I just can't. Well not yet anyway.

The next time getting 'caught' came a few weeks later. I'd gone out on Thursday night to meet up with a guy (which I haven't actually blogged about yet - he's next). I told my parents I was out with a straight friend from school. No I didn't say he was straight, i'm just letting you know that he is. The next night I went for a walk with my mother after dinner. She asked how my friend's new job was. The friend i'd supposedly been out with the previous night. My answer? Dunno, haven't seen him.... [realise what i'd just said, quick! say something, save yourself, say something, anything] in a couple of days. Fuck. And she didn't buy it. Seriously, how could I have been so stupid?! I told her I was kidding and she could call him if she didn't believe me. She didn't, and i'm not so sure she wants to know.

J

I'm a bitch, she's a bitch, they're all bitches

I don't really have much to say other than what a bitch! Seriously how low can a person be? Ok here's the background information. A friend of mine calls me and says he heard from a mutual friend of ours that there was a rumor going around that I was gay and had been seen going into a gay bar. So i'm thinking who would've said that to him?! Was he friends with the girl who showed up to my going away party?


My friend dug for some more answers and bits and pieces of info started coming out. And it started getting more twisted. He found out a name. Someone that had been suggested to me to date time and time again, but she sounded like a real psycho, so that was an easy out. So was she starting the rumor because she was pissed off or something? But then we heard that she had heard it from a girl I had dated. I had one girl in mind. The last girl I dated, who was the stupidest person I'd ever had to have a conversation with. Seriously, like the epitome of a dumb blonde.

I called a mutual friend of ours who practically confirmed that this sounded like something she'd do. And by the next day, it had gotten back to the person who had originally told my friend the story. Which basically confirmed who had started it. Bitch!



Of course I was freaking out, I wasn't sure how fast it would travel. Who would hear it. Of course I got a phone call from another friend (a gay one this time) that he'd heard it from a friend in Israel. Apparently it had come up at their shabbat table. Some discussion that must've been. So now I know word has spread to 3 continents. Who knows where else it will go? And i don't really know if this girl who started it actually saw something or was just upset that I dumped her ass so quickly. Either way, what a bitch!

J

Meeting facebook friends

I met up with a random guy on facebook. Well we didn't meet up on facebook, we met up in person, but he's a random facebook friend, like most my facebook friends are. I always thought he was hot and the opportunity came up I thought why the hell not. Im always looking to meet new people. It was a nice warm day, we met up near the beach for a couple of beers had a nice chat, then went for a walk.


We ended up sitting on the beach, and before you knew it we were making out. Note to self... remember to empty the sand out of my pockets before I get home. We were there for a while then thought we'd head somewhere else. We continued walking and decided to head back to his place. I followed him in my car. No traffic so it didn't take too long to get there, and it ended up being a fun night :)

Fast forward a couple hours or so and we were lying in bed watching TV. I was thinking should I stay or should I go? If I stayed I'd hit rush hour in the morning on the way home and the 'powers that be' would know I was out all night because I probably wouldn't make it home till 9.30 or 10 o'clock. I certainly wasn't looking forward to that. It was then that I realised we were holding hands and he then asked me if he was going too fast. Huh? Oh. Crap. He thinks. Crap. No. Yikes. My mind was thinking yes, but what came out was no. Fuck. I was just looking for friends to be honest. Maybe a little more every now and then, but a date? I so wasn't looking for that. Right now I have no idea where my life is going and i'm quite happy to just enjoy life a bit. I decided it was best I leave. Staying would just be awkward. I made it home at a relatively normal hour and noone knew a thing.

Maybe I should stop meeting people on facebook. Yeah i'm a big flirt and it's going to get me into trouble one day. So what if I meet someone on manhunt, and we start chatting, then move to facebook and chat some more, and make plans to hang out. What does that mean?

I guess i'll find out tomorrow :)
J

Being gay on home territory

It was a Sunday... I'd been home about 10 days or so, and I had yet to check out the gay scene in this place. I hate the fact that I can't get everywhere by public transport and it doesn't run in the early hours of the morning, which is when I would be heading home after a great night out. But I digress.

I'd done some research on local gay hangouts. Some searching online, the bars, the clubs. I took a car, (yeah I actually drove) and headed to C Road. Now one thing I don't do any more is go out alone, for 2 reasons. 1) it looks like i'm just out to get laid, and 2) it makes me look pretty desperate. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. I wanted to meet people and make friends and this was the way to do it. If I wanted sex, well thats what Manhunt and gaydar (and facebook lol) are for. I was more in the mood for a few drinks than anything else, so I figured pub/bar more than club.


X looked pretty quiet so I thought i'd check out D and S. Scouting them out while driving by isn't the easiest, but I decided DTs was the place to go tonight. Driving down V I heard a noise that did not sound too good. At a red light I opened my door, hoping against hope that it wasn't what I thought it was. Yep it was, a flat tire. I pulled into a local gas station and set about changing it. And I actually did a decent job. Maybe i'm not as gay as I thought I was, lol. But once that was all done I was dirty (no not in that way! lol) and just not in the mood anymore.

That was false start #1. I'd try again the next night. I'd gone so long without going to a gay bar or club I was begining to lose it. Only the next night turned into false start #2 because I had no access to a car.

Tuesday night was try #3. This was either going to work or i was giving up. S was closed. I know it might be a slow night, but closed?! Then I remember that i'm not in New York anymore. Off to D. I looked in and there looked like there were 2 people there. Plus bartenders of course. I started walking away and noticed a guy heading towards me. As I walked away I saw he had turned around was heading toward me. Oh crap. It was dark, no-one was around. I quickly crossed the road and put my cellphone to my ear like I was talking to someone. I could last so long on the streets of New York, there's no way I'm coming home and getting mugged or anything.

But he called out to me, if you're looking for a party there's one up the road, and gave me the address. I had no idea who this guy was or what kind of party there was up the road. I told him i might pop by later and headed to my car. I went to X instead. And what a pretty place that was. A few older gays, some younger guys in the other room causing trouble. Did anyone say bar brawl? lol. I had a beer and left. This couldn't be happening, could it?

I decided I really needed to enjoy this night, one way or another. I went back to the 'party up the block' but couldn't hear any noise. Didn't sound like a party was going on there. What the hell was I doing there. Was I about to ring some stranger's doorbell at 11 o'clock at night? I tried looking over the fence, couldn't see anything into the house. I tried heading around the back to see what I could hear. There were definitely people there, gay people, drinking, talking, music in the background. Yep I was about to crash this party. I went around the front and rang the bell. Nothing. I pressed it again. Nothing. Was it even working? Could they not hear it?

I went around to the back again, and actually climbed the fence. "Could someone open the front gate?" Is that a neighbour? "No i'm not a neighbour, you're not making too much noise, can someone let me in?" That did it. I climbed down and went around to the front. The guy who opened the door had no idea who I was, but he led me in and says "well he's cute". Couldn't have asked for a better introduction. It was great getting to know some new people, and had a really fun time, staying till the early hours of the morning. This place doesn't have to be so bad after all :)

Of course the following Sunday I first met some straight friends for a drink, but I was bored so went back to check out the gays. Flashing lights, warning sounds. Fuck, foiled by my car again!

Coming out. Part 19563

I said I was going to do it, so I did it. I finally came out to my sister before I left New York. Yes I was freaking out, I don't think i've ever been so nervous. I prefaced what I told her with some things about girls i've dated so she knew whatever I was trying to tell her was related to that. When she saw how hard it was for me to get it out, she started guessing. Was I dating the african american girl who i was friends with and had pictures of her in my facebook album? No. Did I want to date girls from outside our community? No. Eventually I explained that the problem why the girls I was dating weren't working out, wasn't just because I was being set up with real losers. At which point she thought she knew what I was talking about, but I had yet to say the words. She said she thought she might know what I was trying to say but it couldn't could be. She said she'd guess, but if she was wrong, i had to promise to forget she ever guessed what she had in mind. I put us both of our misery and said it. Yeah. I'm gay.


She was pretty much in shock. What do you mean? You just haven't found the right girl yet. How could you know if you've never done anything with a girl before? I put us both at a disadvantage because as much as I tried to explain it to her, that it's not just something in my mind, but a physical thing, I didn't want to be going into graphic detail with the information. I didn't need to start telling her the things i'd done with guys, nor did I need to tell her just yet i'd even dated guys.

"So you're saying you want to sleep with men?" I don't even know how I answered that question. Yes, maybe, i dunno. How the hell am I supposed to tell my sister yes I want to sleep with men and have already been doing it?!

A positive thing I did get from her though was she asked what my future plans were. I didn't know. Did I plan on telling my parents? My siblings? At some point yeah, I guess. But I really had no idea where life was going to take me. She told me straight out, don't think you can just run away and forget about us. We are your family and we want you as part of our lives. No matter what you are.

If only I knew that's the reaction i'd get from everyone.
J

Gaydezvous gone horribly wrong

This post is a bit of a rant, a bit of an explanation, a bit of a hodge podge of what happened, part is from an email I sent him, part is just my feelings about it all.

I'm sorry if parts of this will sound harsh, but it is what it is and I hope you understand why i'm so upset. Meeting you was something i'd been looking forward to for months. We'd been chatting online for ages and spoken on the phone at length numerous times. I had no idea when I'd be able to meet you until you gave me the news, you were planning a trip to New York. It was to be my last weekend in NY. And then the week before I got sick and everything began to fall apart. I cancelled my saturday night plans, and kept my sunday free because that's when we were supposed to be hanging out (yes I actually did have to say no to people who wanted to hang out before I left). I'd planned on coming out to family member before i left (which i did btw), so really hanging out with you was pretty much the last thing I had to look forward to before I left.

Sunday afternoon became Sunday evening and the you called me to let me know you were going out with friends for dinner. I called you at 10, to see what you were up to and to let you know I was home and ready whenever. But you didn't answer. Well you'd see the missed call eventually, right?

I stayed home, sitting in front of the tv, bored, waiting for your phone call. And wait I did. By 12 I thought what the fuck is up with this guy? Maybe dinner became drinks. Maybe I just wasn't worth it. You knew how excited I was to see you, why would you brush me off like that? I called you again. Again it rang out.


By 1am I thought fuck it, and fuck him. I could've actually gone out with friends tonight and enjoyed myself. Tomorrow would be the day I finish packing, and the day after I'd be off to the airport. I went to sleep and I was very pissed off. I woke up, expecting to find a text or a missed call, or even an email. Something that might explain what the fuck happened, but there was none. A friend called, wanting to hang out. Yeah I'd seen him the week before but I was glad to have some company, we met in soho, and had coffee and just walked around a bit. Being out with him didn't take my mind off you. I ended up letting it all out on him how pissed off I was at you. At first I was telling him how I didn't give a shit if you called or not, but eventually that changed to I hope you call, just so I can reject the call and have it go to voicemail. That prompted him to declare that I had become a gay bitch. Maybe I had :)

I checked my email at the Apple store and surprise surprise, there was a message from you. You had lost your cellphone and your blackberry and the internet where you were staying stopped working and had no way of contacting me. You said they had been turned in and you were on your way to get them and would call me in an hour. That message arrived a good few hours prior, but you hadn't called.

I guess what happened was better than finding out that you were having too good a time with your other friends and you got back too late and just couldn't be fucked so you smoked a joint and went to bed, but it still hurt. And I was still angry. Shit happens I know, but I wish I hadn't gotten so excited about meeting you. Thinking I was going to and having it not happen was way worse than had I initially thought I wouldn't see you for a few more months.

I needed to speak to you about something and you still hadn't called so I tried calling you. And what do you know, you actually answered. I pretty much cut to the chase, asking what I wanted, and when you tried to explain to me everything that happened I cut you off, telling you I wasn't interested right then and hung up on you. Yeah I think I am a bit of a bitch, lol.

I called you a few hours later, but you were busy with work and promised to call me later. You did, after midnight, and I was already in bed. You explained everything that had happened, apologized and asked what I had planned for the next day. Well the next day I was off to the airport.

Maybe we had diferent ideas of what was actually going to happen, or what we wanted to happen, but NY is gone. A missed opportunity. I know I spoke to you from the airport and you said you'd make the trip to see me, but that doesn't come close to what could've happened in NY. In new york i had as much freedom as i wanted, and here i'm still learning how far i can push the boundaries. Me travelling to see you would be another option, and maybe had we met in new york i'd be making plans to visit soon. But we didn't, so who knows what's gonna happen in the future :(

Yeah i know it's crazy and I sound like a drama queen. I want to be mad at you, but I can't. I like you too much for that. Wow it was good to get that off my chest!
J

Weekend finale

My last weekend in New York was a bit of a disaster. I went away with some family to visit some family, I wasn't feeling the best but I didn't have much choice and this was sort of a goodbye weekend too. Over shabbat I got worse, and I even wondered if i'd be able to travel home that week or whether i'd have to extend my ticket. I saw the doc who told me I could travel, just get some sinus medication, so thats what I did.

I had plans for that Saturday night that I cancelled. I had plans for Sunday that sort of cancelled on me (more on that in the next post). Monday was my last day and I was going to fit in as much as I could. Packing, packing, packing. I took a break to meet a friend for coffee in Soho, and I was still pissed off about what happened the previous day and I let it all out. His response was that i'd turned into a gay bitch, lmao. Maybe I had, but i was livid about how things had turned out.


Anyway we had coffee and lunch and just hung out till I had to go home. I had dinner plans that night and just couldn't find the time to hang out with Reb and Elana (one is my wife, one is my ex, not sure which is which tho) so that will have to wait till I come back to the good old US of A.

J

What the f*ck?!?! Part 2

So now on with the story about Eli Rubin, the crazy chick (who i'll call X), and how they're all connected. I got home after the partying and called a friend. I mentioned this random girl. He said it sounded like someone that he knew of, named X. Time and time again he went out places, to bars, or parties or random trips in a number of countries and she randomly appears. Visit to a jerusalem bar? She's there. Party in NYC? She's there. A bus to Hebron? Yep, she's there.

Well soon after I found a message in my facebook inbox. "so whats up with that X girl?! .....she seemed to have come last night to kinda find out who you are... which i thought was odd. because she asked me if i was there for the "blog party" and i said i was there for a goodbye party... then she asked me what ur full name was and i said "i dont do names" - anyway, she left me with a bad feeling... whats the story?"

Now that weirded me out. I had thought nothing of it. Funny though that my friend I spoke to actually knew who the hell I was talking about, once i mentioned a random girl showing up, as confirmed by the message that he had the right girl. Now it seemed i might need to be concerned about her. The fucker had told me he would have someone attend my party to take pics of me. While I didn't think he would, you never really know what stalkers can do. (BTW if anyone saw pics from the night please forward them to me, i'd love to know how fabulous I looked! lmao). What was his connection to her? I had no idea.

Another good friend got really mad at what was going on, and decided he'd get to the bottom of it. And he did. He's clearly got contacts everywhere! So this is what we discovered Eli Rubin did. He has a good few hundred facebook friends, so he made a facebook event. Same time, same place as my goodbye party. The event essentially announced that he had a blog and he'd be revealing who he is and his blog at the party and invited everyone to come. X was the only person that came. I guess he hoped more people would actually give a damn about 'his' identity and show up. He's probably friends with a bunch of religious jews and hoped they'd come.


He still uses facebook to try and get some dirt on me. His status practically every single day is about me, I don't know what his problem is. Clearly he has no life or he might actually be out doing something rather than spending every day trying to destroy mine. And i know he's going to read this so i've got a little message for him. You really suck at throwing parties, but mine was a blast. You should've come!

My last week in NYC :(

I started up the week meeting a friend for dinner. We'd been friends for quite a while but since he's not out or anything so whenever I socialize with the gay boys he's never there. We ate at a new place called schnitzel express in midtown, and then went walking towards the Intrepid. We met up with his boyfriend, well maybe not boyfriend, but the guy he is seeing, and another friend of his and we went out for a coffee. We said our goodbyes and I ended up just walking the streets of Hells kitchen.

I got home to find a bunch of comments on my blog. Someone had found out my identity and was trying to broadcast it to the world. I've already written about him and there's more to come on that in my next post.

That Thursday it got really cold and rained most of the day but nothing was going to put a dampener on that night as it was my going away party at Vlada. Originally I wasn't planning on making anything but Mike practically organized it so who was I to argue? The plan was to take over upstairs, but a message went around to all the attendees that it was moved downstairs (i saw it after the party). It was good to see alot of people I hadn't seen much of recently. Mr subway came, as did PhD (still not quite sure what is up with that. Did i misread him entirely?!?!). It was actually funny because I had posted in my facebook status about the party and it would be upstairs at Vlada. I noticed people at different times going upstairs, seeing nothing there and then coming back down and leaving. I wondered if they were some of Jay's friends who had shown up because of that status. I guess i'll never know.

The night wore on and the crowd dwindled until there were only a handful of people left. And then some random chick shows up. She was the only person that I'd never met and seemed to be there for my party. She started asking me questions, and while i'd had quite a few to drink (some paid for and some shouted ;) ) I can't remember what i told her. I really had no idea who she was and didn't particularly care (more on her in the next post).

Some people had gone home, some had gone to Splash. And I decided to make a move, so I popped in too. While I love splash and really miss it, this wasn't one of their better nights. Don't get me wrong, it was fun, but it was a lights out party with everyone wearing glostick necklaces. I don't need any light to dance, but i like being able to see the boys around me. I did finally meet Justin, who was a party promoter there. And the small group of my friends had a great night (except for a missing blackberry but that was found eventually). For some time I was dancing, and I was holding hands with a cute guy next to me. Yes he was dancing with someone else (I'm assuming a bf) so I was his dirty little secret and we made sure never to get caught, that was fun :) Too bad that was all it was going to be. Eventually it was time to head home and say goodbye to the place i'd had so much fun at in the big apple.

J

No sex, but lots of drugs, alcohol and rock n roll

All my posts are on a time delay due to circumstances beyond my control but i'm getting through them, slowly. So it was after the jewish festival of simchat torah (or the night before columbus day - take your pick) And it was time to go out of course!

This time it was a different friend. A straight girl who loved going out as much as I do. We began in the East Village at 3 of cups. After a drink we moved on to Arrow. While it was my first time there, it was clearly a smaller crowd than normal due to the march that day in DC. Dancing, drinking and off to Eastern bloc for more of the same. Then it was time to hit Chelsea, beginning with the G lounge. There it actually got busier and we danced and drank away. Before leaving I had to say goodbye to Jacob the gorgeous bartender who funnily enough had just returned from a trip to where i'm from.

Time for the last stop, Splash. That was where things started to get wild. After dancing for a while my dance partner needed a break, so I danced alone. But I wasn't alone for long. Two guys came up to me and we started dancing. They wanted me to go home with them but I wasn't interested in the slightest. I actually had my eye on another guy there. I seem to have a thing for tall handsome guys :) I got a drink, as did he, and we started chatting. We then did some more stuff with our lips but we certainly weren't chatting! He seemed keen, he asked for my number. Mmm what did that mean? Asking for my number already? He told me to follow him. Downstairs is another bar, another DJ, couches, and the bathrooms. Well it wouldn't be the first time I went in there for some privacy with a guy. He closed the door behind me, but we didn't do what I thought we'd be doing. He pulled out a little plastic bag filled with white powder. Yep, thats what I thought it was. We both did a line there and then went back upstairs. There's a first time for everything, and I expected to feel something different, but it was still cool.

I wanted to head back to his place, but he was actually out celebrating a friends birthday and was going to go to his friends who had already left. Would I join him? Of course I would! We walked to his friends place nearby. A beautiful, but empty pad. 3 bed, 3 bath, nice balcony overlooking 7th Avenue. It had been bought, but not furnished yet, renovations still to be done. His friends were out on the balcony having a cigarette and drinking champagne, so we joined in. My guy was originally from Germany, the birthday boy was born in Israel and one of the others was from London. Funny that most of us were jews.

He gave me a tour of the empty condo. Really how much time is needed to show a person an empty bedroom? The answer to that question depends on what you want to do with them in that empty bedroom. And the answer to that is how long can we be away for before they start wondering where we are? So eventually it was time to go back to the main room and have more champagne. An iphone was acting as a stereo. And there on the granite kitchen benchtop were more lines of coke just waiting for someone to come to them with a rolled up bill. It was seriously the most crazy night i've ever had. Because the place was empty thats all there was. Bottles of champagne, a miniature bottle of vodka, cigarettes and cocaine. I spent the entire night talking, dancing, drinking, smoking and snorting. No really, i did. Till the sun came up and it was time to leave.

We all left and went our separate ways. I was home by 8am and it was seriously the most insane thing i'd ever done. I guess you can call me a bad boy now, as opposed to the angel i've always been.

good night,
J

Getting some, missing out on some, then getting some, and then getting some more!

Sorry this is so long but it's been a long time coming!

Well Mr Fire Island had the flu, so that was out for the weekend. But there was still Mr Stonewall. I got in touch with him and we planned to meet on Saturday. He lived not too far from me so I ended up walking there. The night consisted of lots of alcohol, thai food, pot, and fun on his couch and in his bed, both in the evening, later that night and again the next morning, lol. And then I went home and just hung out, waiting for the jewish holiday of sukkot to finish.

On monday I met up with a friend Steve for dinner at some Italian place in greenwich village and then a bar hop. It was a lot of fun and we hadn't seen each other in quite a while. We began with a visit to Gymbar, which was fun. We then moved on to the G lounge, which was it's usual self on a monday night, pretty dead. Jacob (the hot bartender) wasn't there and there wasn't many people there. I headed to the bathroom and thats when I saw him, Mr Phoenix. You know, the tall, handsome guy I first saw at the Phoenix, then in Chelsea on yom kippur night. And again he was sitting alone. I decided this was it, when I came out i would go over to him and say hi. Only I came out and he was gone. WTF?! Steve thought I was hallucinating, but I wasn't! He really was there. I checked out the rest of the place, and yep he was gone. So we stayed for a drink. There were a couple of cute guys but they were clearly a couple.

We headed off and moved on to Splash. Time for some showtunes as musical mondays! So as we were on our way I saw 2 religious jewish kids walking around. They looked like they'd just gotten off the boat, maybe from boropark?! They were probably around 15 or 16 and they turned onto W 19th st just as we turned off. They couldn't have been going to G lounge or anything like that could they? And what the hell were they doing in Chelsea at a time of night like this, dressed in their religious garb? I asked if I could help and they said they were looking to play pool. That was one thing I didn't know of in a nearby location. Bars? Yep. Clubs? Yep. Pool? No. I considered telling them off in Yiddish but that probably would've freaked them out. It would've been funny though. So off we went to Splash.

It was fun and it was his first time there on such a night. There a guy there that reminded me of the tall dark handsome guy i'd been seeing everywhere. Of course he was with another guy, a short blond twink and they were very obviously together. Then Shoshana Bean was introduced and did a few numbers. Some pop songs from her album, and some from shows she'd been in. Scott Nevins introduced her and damn he's cute! Once she'd done her show who do I see but tall, dark, handsome guy #1 (TDHG1). No seriously, i wasn't hallucinating thank god! Of course before I could go up to him TDHG2 makes a beeline for him. Steve had to leave cos he's actually got a job, but I stick around for a bit, finishing off my beer and keeping an eye on these two. They start talking and the twinky boyfriend goes away for a bit. These 2 guys head for the booths at the back and begin making out. Like seriously WTF?! I just missed out on both of them?! FML! There whole time they were there and I was drinking the twinky bf kept searching for his guy. Too bad he never looked at the back of the place. I probably should've given him a few hints, lol. One guy came up to me and asked me if I did any modelling. No seriously, he did. He said he was visiting from Peru and thought I was very handsome. Well thanks, but back to my guys.

At one point TDHG2 went for a bit and TDHG1 was just standing there. I figured i don't care what reaction I get, I just need to go over to him and say hi, and the next thing I know, someone puts down a beer next to me and says thats for you. Great, just what I wanted. Some fucking guy to buy me a beer. Well I wasn't going to tell him to get lost or I wasn't interested. So we smalltalked for a bit. Just long enough for TDHG2 to come back and leave together with TDHG1. Anyway this guy who bought me the beer was from Brisbane, Australia and was visiting the US. And I wasn't interested in the slightest. So I pretty much left soon after and went home.

Wednesday it was time to go out yet again. Wednesday night is usually east village night. Starting with the Phoenix. I met up with a friend there for a few beers. It was nice and chilled. We went out for a smoke and there was a group of guys we got chatting to. We also got asked to byt some randoms if we'd mind doing a survey for them. They were from Hunter college and they basically gave you a pda and it went through asking questions, about your sexual practices, and alcohol and drug habits. It was anonymous of course. Too bad they didn't come to me a couple weeks later as I'd have had more to answer and maybe i'd actually have qualified for the survey (and i know you're curious about that. Future blog post!)

My friend needed to head off, he worked and went to school so I started walking with him. But then I thought a couple of those guys were going to cab it to brooklyn, and I was heading to brooklyn. So i may as well join them (and one of them was cute so that didn't hurt either). The 3 of us jumped in a cab and went towards home. We first dropped off one guy, and suddenly it's just me and the cute guy in the back seat. One thing led to another and i'm sure you can guess what happened but i'll tell you anyway. Hands roamed, lips touched. Lots of kissing and making out in the back seat. I wonder what the taxi driver thought. Not that I care, i'm just curious! We got dropped off at his place, said hi to the cat and had lots of fun!

Rather than staying the night I went home because I was heading out to Long Island early that morning. I decided if i went to sleep for a couple hours I'd probably end up sleeping through my alarm so it was to be an all-nighter. I got home watched some tv, had something to eat before heading out again to the subway.

Fast forward to that night. I had been looking forward to this event for a long time. It was the annual GLBT sukkah party at the JCC. This month there was no JQY meeting so it looked like this was going to be my last hurrah. Pretty much all my gay Jewish friends were going to be there, as well as others I'd never met before. Made a bunch of new friends, had more alcohol than food, and spent the night mingling and socializing. Wait, they mean the same thing, right? Anyway the party was supposed to go till 10 and by 10.30 security wanted us out of there. As what usually happens after these events we get herded outside and people just hang around there until we decide where to go. We ended up in Splash, heading there in a couple groups. The Israelis and their 'host' went first, followed by another 4 of us.

We got there and headed straight for the dancefloor. After a bit me and one of the guys got a drink, and things moved on from there. We left Splash quite early (much earlier than I usually do) and headed back to his place. While it wasn't that late unfortunately the lack of sleep the previous night got to me. I will say though we more than made up for it the next morning :)

That Friday night was shmini atzeret, and I got invited out to a friends place for dinner. As per usual some people there I knew and some I didnt, but got to know them quite well throughout the night. The food was great! Compliments to the chef. Wine flowed non stop, it was really a fun night. After dinner we decided to head out. It was friday night, which usually means Rockit! Unfortunately, rather than take my wallet with me for the night, i left it at home and took things I thought i'd need. Cash. ATM card. Metrocard. That's right, i left my id at home. Was I really going to go all the way home to get it? You betya! I subwayed back home, giving directions to 3 lost middle aged white women in from DC for the weekend, and then back to rockit. And i'm glad I did. My friends were still there and I hit the dancefloor. I seriously love NYC. I have so much freedom! I ended up dancing with a guy from Turkey who was a law student in NY. Well we did more than dance, but he eventually left to go to his friends that were waiting for him outside. I went back to my friends and we left not long after. The israeli boys took the subway home so I went with the LA boy for some pizza. He was staying with a friend in Chelsea so we went our separate ways after that.

What the f*ck?!?!

So i'm sure plenty of you want to know what the hell has been going on with me. Well I went out a few weeks ago, doing the thing I do in New York, and I got back home and found a few startling things. Someone had commented on my latest blog post "A we are going to miss you in B". A being my real name, and B being the place where I lived. I also had received an email from some random yahoo address with similar message, only this time they also mentioned where I was from. And I totally freaked out. Who was it? Was someone playing a joke on me? Was someone trying to out me? Who had found out this info and what did they want? The first thing I did was delete the comment. I also replied to the email. Things went back and forth. He told me his first name and where he was from but I didn't believe a word of it.

Eventually I decided to turn moderation on for all comments, and i made my blog invite only until I could figure out what to do about this situation. Of course he informs me that he's made copies of everything i've written on my blog so far, lol. Not that he really did, but what a bored soul!

I also received a message to my real facebook account from a person saying "wow you're jay murray?!". This person (i won't reveal his 'name' here) has been known to harrass other young gay jews, as well as write very inappropriate things on their walls. In short he has pissed alot of people off. He began emailing me links to things online that mentioned me. Well 2 could play at that game. One of my 'friends' emailed me his real name and I googled him. I found his real facebook profile and his linkedin profile (with info on where he works). He denied it was him but my money says it is. He also emailed some people informing them that the Jay Murray blog is [insert my real name]. I'm not sure how many people he sent that to, but at least one of my friends got it. He also mentioned that he'd have someone at my going away party taking pics of me.

I think thats enough explanation for part 1. There's more to come in a part 2, but i think I need to finish off some other posts before I get on to that, so have a great day :)
j

Blog update

For all you eager beavers out there, a blog update is coming!!! Contrary to what you may have heard i'm not dead. Just been extremely busy, and having PC issues (no i'm not getting a mac) and have half a dozen posts that i've started but haven't been able to finish, but i promis the new post is on its way. And this will take precedence over every other one i'm working on. It will explain what has happened to me and the blog over the past couple of weeks. You will be shocked, horrified and enthralled. I promise :)

j

Gleeeeeeeeeeeeee

Ok be honest here, is this why you watch Glee? Lol. Thoughts? Then comment!

The rest of the weekend and then some

Hey,
I guess this could be called a continuation from the previous post.

Friday night and shabbat were pretty boring. I stayed home in Brooklyn and didn't go anywhere exciting. Saturday night rolled around and I was dying to head out. I go on facebook and a friend is on. Have I heard of the Tall Gay Agenda? he asks. Nope. Well it's a facebook group he found and membership requires you to be 6'2 or taller (not quite sure how they confirm that via facebook). Anyway they were having a monthly get together at the Stonewall. Was I interested? Sure I was! It sounded interesting and I'd never been to the Stonewall.

While waiting for him outside some guy offered me some blow on the street. Surprise surprise I did not take him up on the offer. What can I say but there alot of tall men in there. And anyone who wasn't tall suddenly looked really short. We met a few people while waiting for drinks. One cute guy I was chatting to disappeared, but there were some others including a group we went upstairs with. One guy in particular was pretty into me, we spent much of the night chatting. Eventually it was time for us to go but we exchanged numbers and will be hanging out this weekend. The drinks at stonewall sucked though. Like really bad. Bottles only if I ever go there again.

We moved on to another party. This time a house party hosted by the director of Trembling Before God - Sandi Dubowski. It was his birthday, and a few more friends were on their way there too so off to the east village we went. It was raining but couldn't hail a cab so we walked it. And the place was packed! Lots of new randoms, some i'd love to have gotten it on with. And someone thought there was weed in the birthday cake. I'm not sure if there was but not like i'd complain anyway. I also spotted someone there that I knew. I don't know if he recognized me but I certainly recognized him, and he left soon after I got there. Not sure if I should read anything into that. Eventually it was time to head home.

Yom Kippur was coming up the following night and I really didn't have any major plans. I thought maybe i'd pop into the local synagogue for a bit. I probably wouldn't fast. And then something happened. A friend from the city mentioned he was thinking of going to CBST. Well that was all the push I needed. We met up outside the Javits Center in Manhattan. Apparently it's the only (or one of the only) high holiday services in Manhattan that is free, so it attracts straight people as well as GLBT. As you do, you bump into people that you know, or just recognize from facebook - there was a good few thousand people there, how could you not? We saved a few seats for some people we saw. All 5 of us were there and it was a really nice evening. Besides the fact that across the aisle on my left were a couple hotties, and someone that came with one of my friends was pretty cute too. He was too many seats across that I couldn't really start a conversation with him, but at least I could look at him.


Growing up orthodox all I ever knew was one way of praying. Sit there, read the words, understand them or not, just say them. It was one reason I didn't really care for prayer that much. But these services were really enjoyable. It was honestly the first time in a long time I could say I enjoyed synagogue services. Maybe it was the mix of prayer and music and choir and rabbi's comments, but it was fun. Afterwards a bunch of us went outside, there's kind of a balcony overlooking the west side highway and the hudson and NJ since people traffic flowing out of the hall was going so slow. Of course when we finally made it out it seemed almost like a JQY meeting. All the people that you know, but didn't know were there that night. Mr Splash and his baby, and a bunch of others too, just chatting away and socializing. I thought maybe i'd actually come back the next day too (but that didn't end up happening). It was a nice night out and the friend I came with was walking back to Union Square so we headed off together. As we passed through Chelsea, who did we see but the tall cute guy we both noticed at the Phoenix a few nights earlier! That was just random and funny. And again he was alone :(

I got back home and was hungry and thought why should I bother fasting if I don't do so many other things (yeah I know that's a slippery slope). So I had something to eat. I didn't make it back to CBST the next day, I pretty much stayed at home and chilled. I did decide I would fast the rest of Yom Kippur, and i'm glad I did.

The next day was an exciting day. Lunch with Mr Subway :) It had been postponed a few times and was really looking forward to it. I met him near his work and we went to a place called Cosi. I had a really nice time, he seems like a fun guy, and he mentioned he had a boyfriend, who he met a few weeks before he met me. FML. I mean don't get me wrong, it's nice that he has a boyfriend, and when we first met he did tell me his love life was complicated. We did have a nice lunch though and walked around a bit, and he's a really nice guy. It's just that I wouldn't have minded an invite back to his place at some point for some... um you know what, lol.

Lastly I had another date (with a girl) this week. Yeah thats a real FML. And it was bad, like really bad. I ended it as soon as I could without being rude. Really, what a nerd! There's no other way to describe her. Since I had a car I took my sister out to eat in Flatbush at some kosher place which was absolutely packed! While there I saw some people I knew. There were 4 guys, 2 were a couple, and someone else I recognized. Does that mean he's gay? No. But he's single, and older than me. Really made me wonder!

Anyway, I have to head off, going to meet the guy I met at the Stonewall. And yes I'm having a fabulous sukkot, lol.
Jay

Ok I'll admit it, i'm a shameless flirt :)

This week has been funfilled to say the least! I was out on Wednesday touring the city with some family in town from overseas. Ok that wasn't the fun part, but during dinner I started thinking about plans for the night. It's wednesday, haven't been to the Phoenix in a while and I had a friend who lives nearby. Before I could get in touch with him, he messages me. We both now had plans for the night.

The Phoenix gets quite crowded on Wednesday nights, cheap beer and gay guys, what more could you want? It was just the two of us but it was great to catch up. There was one tall very handsome guy who seemed a bit lost. Maybe he was there by himself. Did his friends ditch him? Was he just looking to hookup? Anyway by the time my friend left the tall guy had company. I stuck around for a bit only to see the tall guy leave alone. The place was emptying out so I thought about heading over to Eastern Bloc, but I walked outside and it was raining, so i decided to call it quits and just went home.


On Thursday I got a text that said 'Splash 10.30?' When do I ever turn down an invite to Splash? There was a few guys already there and more on the way. We sat down at the bar, had some drinks, caught up, and then it was time to hit the dancefloor. Soon enough someone waltzed over and introduced himself. We danced a bit, got talking. I told him where I was from and he responds "Are you fucking with me?" And there was my cue. "No", I replied, "but i'd like to be". He bought me a drink, we went back to the dancefloor. Dancing we got closer and closer and then we kissed. And we kissed alot, right in the middle of the dancefloor. At one time I thought i spotted more of my friends there out of the corner of my eye but we were too busy. We decided to head downstairs where there were some couches for more of the same. Eventually I told I wished we were back at his place. He didn't need any convincing, he led the way outside into a waiting cab and back to his place we went. I won't bore you with all the sordid details from that night, suffice to say it was fun and I stayed till morning :).

The next day I had lunch plans with a friend who was visiting from the UK. He'd been here quite a few times while i've been here but we never managed to connect. Finally it looked like it was going to work. I took the subway to a place called Gascogne, a quaint french bistro in Chelsea. We had a nice time, he's a really nice guy, the food was good, the wine was good, and he was good company. After a couple hours we finished, said our goodbyes and went on our way. I took the subway home, having been gone close to 18 hours.

I've got so much more to write about. My weekend, Yom kippur, Mr Subway, but I figured I won't leave you hanging any more, i'll try to post more frequently and not have each post be thesis-length.

Have a great night, i've got a car and i'm going to enjoy the night.
Jay

Happy New Year #2

Came across this picture lol.

The last head of the year, and other titilating tales

The past few days have been quite busy, I spent Thursday in Manhattan. I was supposed to meet Mr Subway for lunch, but he was in a meeting that ran long, so we decided to push it off till next week. I ended up doing some shopping, and some celeb spotting. While near Rockerfeller I saw Andy Cohen (from Bravo) and I also spotted a guy whose blog I read - about a boy and his briefs, lol.

That night I had a joint birthday event to attend. A couple friends were celebrating at Vlada. I don't hang out there often, but clearly I should ;) Lots of friends, and new people of course. It was alot of fun but at one point I went out for some fresh air. I noticed a cute guy sitting on the steps outside having a beer and a cigarette. I bummed one off him and sat down. We got chatting, he moved to NYC 3 weeks ago from Boston, but is originally German. He had such a strong American accent up until that point I had no clue he was from another country. We chatted for a while and I popped back in to see what was going on upstairs. It was a drag show of some sort so I just headed back to my boy. We had another cig, he was living with a roommate in a studio. Anyway we chatted some more, he kept on telling me I was cute and probably meet alot of hot guys. He wasn't the only one telling me that, the bouncer did too, and the drag queen, and some random straight girl that was having a cigarette near us. Anyway we got another beer and since we weren't heading back to either of our places, we just made do with what privacy we could get, i.e. the bathroom stall. I won't go into much detail, i'll just say it was hot!. That is one german blood sausage I wouldn't mind having again ;) We did what we did, and then parted ways. I found the remains of the party, finished my beer and then everyone left. I went home a satisfied man. Being that Friday night began Rosh Hashana - literally the head of the year, it is only appropriate that on the previous night I got my last head of the year, lol.

Of course when you have a late night, you sleep in the next day. I got invited out to a couple Rosh Hashana dinners in Manhattan. There is a saying in Yiddish that one can't dance at two weddings simultaneously. Or in this case, one can't eat with the gays in 2 separate locations, so dinner with Mr Splash it was to be. I spent all afternoon running around, from Brooklyn to Manhattan, around Manhattan then back to Brooklyn, around Brooklyn, get ready and head back to Manhattan. I met my host at the synagogue but services already ended. I was going to go in when I saw someone I knew. FML. So I just hung around outside until he came out, but he was waiting for me inside becuase I told him i'd meet him at the synagogue. Eventually he came out and we headed off to his place. Of course the guests weren't expected just yet, so we just hung around, a friend of his was babysitting his baby.

It was a really nice meal, though gays run on their own schedule and come when they want. The food was great The company was interesting and fun. There was one couple, and a few singles. 3 of the guy had been married (to women) with kids and were now divorced. One of the guys was a total lech, and hits on me everytime he sees me and I turn him down. Of course the next time he sees me he does the same thing not remembering we went through this already. Probably because he's had a good few to drink every time we meet, lol. And lastly there was a younger guy, about a year older than me. And he was hot! And I recognized him from facebook, of course. At one point he said he was going outside for a cigarette and asked if anyone else smoked. My head was telling me 'say yes! say yes! and join him' but i didn't. And he went to smoke alone. I probably should have said yes, but oh well.

The food was fantastic, fish and salads and beef and turkey and chicken and sweet potato pie and kugel and potato pastries and cakes and i'm sure i'm forgetting something but it was really really good food! And lots of lots of wine (probably half of it being drunk by the guy I wasn't interested in). He offered me a ride back to Brooklyn - he was taking hot cigarette boy too. I said yes and all i'm gonna say is I'm glad i made it back alive.

Thats it for this post, happy new year to all my readers,
j

Shana Tova peeps

Got a busy day today, Brooklyn to Manhattan to Brooklyn to Manhattan and back to Brooklyn. Tonight begins Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year so just wanted to wish y'all a happy new year.

I thought I'd include this video too. No connection really, i just love it :) Filmed at Fire Island Pines.