Thursday, November 12, 2009

Coming out. Part 19563

I said I was going to do it, so I did it. I finally came out to my sister before I left New York. Yes I was freaking out, I don't think i've ever been so nervous. I prefaced what I told her with some things about girls i've dated so she knew whatever I was trying to tell her was related to that. When she saw how hard it was for me to get it out, she started guessing. Was I dating the african american girl who i was friends with and had pictures of her in my facebook album? No. Did I want to date girls from outside our community? No. Eventually I explained that the problem why the girls I was dating weren't working out, wasn't just because I was being set up with real losers. At which point she thought she knew what I was talking about, but I had yet to say the words. She said she thought she might know what I was trying to say but it couldn't could be. She said she'd guess, but if she was wrong, i had to promise to forget she ever guessed what she had in mind. I put us both of our misery and said it. Yeah. I'm gay.


She was pretty much in shock. What do you mean? You just haven't found the right girl yet. How could you know if you've never done anything with a girl before? I put us both at a disadvantage because as much as I tried to explain it to her, that it's not just something in my mind, but a physical thing, I didn't want to be going into graphic detail with the information. I didn't need to start telling her the things i'd done with guys, nor did I need to tell her just yet i'd even dated guys.

"So you're saying you want to sleep with men?" I don't even know how I answered that question. Yes, maybe, i dunno. How the hell am I supposed to tell my sister yes I want to sleep with men and have already been doing it?!

A positive thing I did get from her though was she asked what my future plans were. I didn't know. Did I plan on telling my parents? My siblings? At some point yeah, I guess. But I really had no idea where life was going to take me. She told me straight out, don't think you can just run away and forget about us. We are your family and we want you as part of our lives. No matter what you are.

If only I knew that's the reaction i'd get from everyone.
J

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're amazing. Be brave.

Anonymous said...

wow! congrats buddy! this is a huge step :)
us cyber-fans are rooting for ya!

Audrey the Liberal said...

I'm very happy to hear you have taken this important step. I hope all goes well.

David said...

The bravest thing we can do is to be open about who we are. Taking that first step is a terrifying one. It doesn't necessarily make future steps less terrifying, but we get used to the terror, it becomes more routine.

You accomplished something huge. Be proud of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Bravo.

I am glad the family issue was raised.

Jay said...

wow I didn't know I had so many fans :) Thanks!

Alex said...

You did the hardest thing that any gay person has to do. It will get better as time goes on. But you should be proud of yourself!

Audrey the Liberal said...

We're all just happy to see you moving forward.

Jeanne said...

Let me add my praise for your telling your sister. It's one major step for you. And see, what she said:
"We are your family and we want you as part of our lives. No matter what you are."
You're lucky. My brother and I are now estranged and both of us are straight.
I wish you continued strength in your relationship with your family and friends as they share your journey.