Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Hi. My name is Jay. And I'm a gay porn distributor

I don't even know how to begin this post, or what to call it. I'm completely lost for words. As everything I thought I knew crashes down beside me, I'm lost. I know whats coming, and I know how to handle it. Well I convince myself I can handle it. But i'm not so sure. The pressure is building up and I just don't know how much more I can take of it. As I sit here typing this, I think of all my friends. My support group. I need someone, and every person that knows what i'm going through, is at the other end of the world. Oh my god, i cannot believe I'm sitting here crying as I type this.


For once I want to be selfish. I want to care about what i'm going through, and ignore everything that they're going through. Yes they found out their son and brother is gay. Deal with it. Ok I need a break to compose myself... Actually I think i'm going to call it a night.

Well good morning. I'm going to try this again and I think I should start from the beginning. I have access to some of my family member's email accounts (one benefit of having set up some of the accounts myself). I'm not one to invade other people's privacy, usually. But once I received an email from my mother that was addressed to my sister about my 'drug use'. Obviously she'd emailed it to me by mistake. I got that email and thought 'what?!?' What are these people on about?! I knew I had to dig deeper and find out. If they thought I was on drugs, what else were they talking about me? I did approach my sister about the email but she said she had been joking and my mother had taken it seriously. Ever since then I had occasionally logged in to see what was being discussed about me, besides my drug use ;) . Ever since I'd come out to my sister however, things had taken a turn. I felt I needed to keep closer tabs on conversations about me. Especially since I had entrusted to her some information that I did not want shared around. I told her she could tell her husband, but that was about it.


I'd log in, do a search of my name, and a search of the word gay, and see what came up. Yesterday however I saw something that worried me. There was an email thread between her and one of my brothers. It was titled 'do you know ______?'. The name was one of my gay friends in New York. This could not be good news. I quickly forwarded it to myself and removed all traces that I'd done that. I then sat down to read from the bottom. What I saw scared the shit out of me.

It had been noticed that I had been using my cellphone on shabbat, the sabbath. But then again I hadn't been keeping the sabbath properly for a while. Only they didn't know that. The number was googled and traced back to this friend of mine. So now what? There were other numbers too. Google turned up nothing. What is there to do but to call them? But who would call them? They decided they needed access to my cellphone. It was then that I decided my cellphone would not be leaving my side. Ever. Bathroom? Shower? Forever with me. Then more news came up. One of the numbers was traced back to someone at a gay sports club. That was not good at all. They decided that they needed to have a GPS tracker installed in my car or I needed to be followed one night when I went out. How they would do it without me recognizing the car, they didn't know. So much for me having a fun night out every now and then.


What about this one number that I was in touch with alot? And when I say alot, I mean ALOT! I'm a big texter, plus i'd called him a number of times. He was a good friend. And yes he was gay. There was actually a discussion on who would be better to call him. My brother or my sister. My sister said she didn't mind calling, but she thought if it's a girl calling my friend might be cautious, but if it's a guy calling, my friend would be open. My brother replied 'but gay guys also have girlfriends!' Seriously this was getting crazier and funnier the further I read.

They decided that she'd call, blocking her number and say I got a missed call from you or something like that. She called him, and he actually gave her his name. She said "btw he was really nice and sounds gay :( " My brother found his facebook profile pic and decided he looked gay. Seriously these people were crazy! And hello, can you say invasion of privacy? It's bad enough that they're looking into me, but investigating my friends? That was just not on!

There was some discussion about me not knowing what they were up to and how crazy it was. Well I'm one step ahead of you people! Both of them had mutual facebook friends with this guy, and my brother decided he'd ask some people about him. Oy! I hated the fact that he was getting dragged into this. Not that he can't take care of himself, but it's bad enough that it's happening to me, but my friends too?

The next one was the funniest of the lot. My mother believed I had become a porn distributor. Seriously i'm just lost for words. What the hell?! I mean seriously? Are you crazy?! The question was really how far was I involved with this guy? The answer was pretty simple. I'm not. We're friends. That's it. Good friends, yeah. But just friends.

The detectives then set out to do more work, they needed to access my phone, or my email and facebook account. Good luck with that! But they actually did research on him. I'd called his work so they called his work too, and asked someone about him. My sister then realizes she's met him before. Haha, she remembers he's a nice guy. Well I could've told her that if she'd asked! They wondered why I was mixing with non-jewish gays and not just jewish gays. And was I sleeping with people. Yeah, none of their business really.

Anyway things then got more serious. They'd pretty much confirmed that yes I was gay. They then looked for solutions. One of which was Jonah - Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. A jewish organization that recommends reparative therapy. While I didn't have any personal experience with them, I'd heard first hand accounts from alot of my friends who had gone through it. Some things troubled me, well alot of things troubled me. They claimed to my sister to have an 85% success rate. Yet for the head of the organization have a child who was living as an out gay man, just didn't sit right. Or a book that he wrote and mentioned one of his success stories, who funnily enough is living as a gay man. Some success stories those are about them being able to cure homosexuality. He name dropped a couple of respected rabbis that know of his organization and their work. I was a bit concerned about this because of course there were rabbis who didn't have a clue what they were talking about. But they hear of this organization that can supposedly cure homosexuality so they recommend them.


My sister called one of them, he didn't know of their organization or their work. Some reference he turned out to be. The other i've heard from friends has a negative opinion of reparative therapy too. So that might be something in my favor. One thing they did not do is contact a rabbi who has written a book about Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality. At least he would have done his research and know what he was talking about.

One good thing I did find was that they were aware of the dangers of reparative therapy. It could lead to depression, requiring drugs to keep me 'normal' or suicide. In fact, The American Psychological Association adopted a resolution earlier this year stating that mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments. I'd much rather believe medical professionals than some clueless rabbis or an organization that make their money off this kind of thing.

One thing is clear, my whole family knows. When my parents decide to leave the house together for a couple hours and don't tell me where they're going, thats just weird. More funny stuff appeared such as my father wanting to hire an investigator. Is that really necessary? You know i'm gay already, get over it! My mother visits my aunt to make calls about it from her house panicking. My mom blames my brother for not picking up on it. My sister says my parents should've picked up on it while I was living at home.

Seriously I'm not sorry one bit for putting them through this. They deserve it. They've been discussing points that need to be told to me, such as I have to want to change. And gays are known to have aids and always sleep around. And no one stays with their partner long because they feel they're always missing something. Hey we may be promiscuous sometimes, but really? I almost laughed while reading this.

While reading all this I was totally freaking out. I'd put up alot of barriers around me and they were all crashing down. To find out in one swoop that they all knew, that was alot to handle. I left the house, made up an excuse that I had some errands to do. I started calling people. My friend that they'd already called, my friends that they were planning on calling. Whoever they were planning to call I told if someone calls, play hardball with them. Be a real bastard if you want.

I know they'll push me into some sort of therapy. I don't need therapy. I'm 100% fine, I'm happier now than i've ever been in my life. I know where i'm going, I know what I want out of life. And I know how to achieve that. If they want to set me up to talk to someone, i have no problem talking to someone. If it'd make them realise that I'm gay and won't change, that is. But reparative therapy?. I won't put myself into a situation that is a danger to my life. In a place where it's quite possible i'll end up depressed and/or suicidal. I'd rather be happy and gay than miserable living a drug induced 'straight' life.

And for those of you who may say i've given up, or I don't want to change, I say I am what I am. It's the way I was born and nothing you can do will change that. I've accepted it. Why can't you?

I think one day I'll actually post those emails on here. It'll turn my blog into a comedy!
J

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Firstly I want to say being gay is fine and it's normal, it's not a disease and while people can change their origination over time, it can't be "cured". But you know all that by now.

I came out when I was young and since then I've leant a lot about it. Your family will be trying to make sense of it with the limited tools (knowledge) they have, and based on what you've told me about your family they don't know much about being gay and Jewish. It's going to be hard for them and for you, maybe harder for them as they may not have ready access to neutral information like that do (plus you've already had time to come to terms with how you feel).

They are going to blame everything they can and feel deeply guilty that they raised you wrong.

But you need to talk to them, confront them and stop this snowball of mis-information. You need to guide them through this process and teach them.

It's not going to be easy but in the long run you want them on your side.

It took me years, I made loads of mistakes and even now my parents are still not completely comfortable with it. I lost years of having them in my life and those years are lost. But it is what it is, I just wished I knew what I do now back then.

Talk to them Jay, don't check their email and don't accuse them of an invasion of your privacy when you are doing the same.

If you opened up to them, perhaps they wouldn't need to sneak around and neither would you.

Rough road ahead but it gets easier. Just like coming to terms with your own homosexuality.

This time was always going to come, good luck with it and remember to be as rational as you can.

My heart goes out to you.

The Blackout Blog said...

Here's where things get interesting.

Anonymous said...

Tragedy and Comedy are Greek inventions. Life is a bit of both.

Be true to yourself, repay kindness with kindness and you will find your way.

Anonymous said...

More important than being angry that your parents don't want to accept you as gay (it is counter to their religion and that has to be hard to take), you should be angry that they have zero respect for your privacy. Try not to create a big blowout though. But do tell them how much it hurts to have them all conspire against you. They're your family and you all love each other. No one in a family should behave that way. And don't let them push you into going to Jonah. Don't deny who you are. You can have a healthy, fulfilling Jewish life and be gay. Trust me.

WickedGayBlog.com said...

So sorry to read this. Your family has really crossed the line.

Anonymous said...

Hi ive recently come across your blog,an find it very interesting.I really feel for you,and how your family is treating you,right now when you need support the most,i private detective??!! thats crazy,but all i can say is stay strong,and hold on to your sanity!good luck.

David said...

I'm being 100% serious here. If any of your family aggressively suggests or even hints at forcing you into reparative therapy, leave the house (I mean pack a bag and go) telling them you will not speak to them again until they promise to never bring up the subject again.

Find friends you can stay with. See if "our mutual friend" will put you up until you can find a place of your own. You need to get out of there. They need to work through this without the potential opportunity of trying to brainwash you. Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry this is happening. You will make it through. I promise. Call me if you need to talk.

Jay said...

Thanks all for your comments. It's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride, but i'm ok now. I won't be pushed into anything I don't want and thats that :)

Jeanne said...

Okay, it was bound to happen but I do agree to some extent with the first anonymous poster and also David re. reparative therapy, though it does sound as if they realize that it is not the thing to do.
The second thing you can do is offer them objective information for parents of frum gays and Jewish gays.
There is a lot of information out there now specifically for parents.
Please try the Jewish Mosaic website. It's a fantastic resource.
If you would like a slew of very helpful links, please email me.
I'm probably around your parents' age so perhaps I can understand their *panic* and I'd be more than happy to suggest some links for you to use as you see fit.
Your parents are probably more bewildered than anything right now. People can do stupid things when they are thrust into a situation that they never expected.
It would be a shame if you were to lose the people who love you.
I wish you all the best and hope that things work out.

Z said...

Jay!

It is your life and you can do whatever you wan to with it.
Of course you will make so many mistakes. That is part of the process. No need to be sorry or feel guilty.
Be proud! That's what I did.
If I was able to move on, I would move on easily

Kiss Kiss cutie :)