This post is a bit of a rant, a bit of an explanation, a bit of a hodge podge of what happened, part is from an email I sent him, part is just my feelings about it all.
I'm sorry if parts of this will sound harsh, but it is what it is and I hope you understand why i'm so upset. Meeting you was something i'd been looking forward to for months. We'd been chatting online for ages and spoken on the phone at length numerous times. I had no idea when I'd be able to meet you until you gave me the news, you were planning a trip to New York. It was to be my last weekend in NY. And then the week before I got sick and everything began to fall apart. I cancelled my saturday night plans, and kept my sunday free because that's when we were supposed to be hanging out (yes I actually did have to say no to people who wanted to hang out before I left). I'd planned on coming out to family member before i left (which i did btw), so really hanging out with you was pretty much the last thing I had to look forward to before I left.
Sunday afternoon became Sunday evening and the you called me to let me know you were going out with friends for dinner. I called you at 10, to see what you were up to and to let you know I was home and ready whenever. But you didn't answer. Well you'd see the missed call eventually, right?
I stayed home, sitting in front of the tv, bored, waiting for your phone call. And wait I did. By 12 I thought what the fuck is up with this guy? Maybe dinner became drinks. Maybe I just wasn't worth it. You knew how excited I was to see you, why would you brush me off like that? I called you again. Again it rang out.
By 1am I thought fuck it, and fuck him. I could've actually gone out with friends tonight and enjoyed myself. Tomorrow would be the day I finish packing, and the day after I'd be off to the airport. I went to sleep and I was very pissed off. I woke up, expecting to find a text or a missed call, or even an email. Something that might explain what the fuck happened, but there was none. A friend called, wanting to hang out. Yeah I'd seen him the week before but I was glad to have some company, we met in soho, and had coffee and just walked around a bit. Being out with him didn't take my mind off you. I ended up letting it all out on him how pissed off I was at you. At first I was telling him how I didn't give a shit if you called or not, but eventually that changed to I hope you call, just so I can reject the call and have it go to voicemail. That prompted him to declare that I had become a gay bitch. Maybe I had :)
I checked my email at the Apple store and surprise surprise, there was a message from you. You had lost your cellphone and your blackberry and the internet where you were staying stopped working and had no way of contacting me. You said they had been turned in and you were on your way to get them and would call me in an hour. That message arrived a good few hours prior, but you hadn't called.
I guess what happened was better than finding out that you were having too good a time with your other friends and you got back too late and just couldn't be fucked so you smoked a joint and went to bed, but it still hurt. And I was still angry. Shit happens I know, but I wish I hadn't gotten so excited about meeting you. Thinking I was going to and having it not happen was way worse than had I initially thought I wouldn't see you for a few more months.
I needed to speak to you about something and you still hadn't called so I tried calling you. And what do you know, you actually answered. I pretty much cut to the chase, asking what I wanted, and when you tried to explain to me everything that happened I cut you off, telling you I wasn't interested right then and hung up on you. Yeah I think I am a bit of a bitch, lol.
I called you a few hours later, but you were busy with work and promised to call me later. You did, after midnight, and I was already in bed. You explained everything that had happened, apologized and asked what I had planned for the next day. Well the next day I was off to the airport.
Maybe we had diferent ideas of what was actually going to happen, or what we wanted to happen, but NY is gone. A missed opportunity. I know I spoke to you from the airport and you said you'd make the trip to see me, but that doesn't come close to what could've happened in NY. In new york i had as much freedom as i wanted, and here i'm still learning how far i can push the boundaries. Me travelling to see you would be another option, and maybe had we met in new york i'd be making plans to visit soon. But we didn't, so who knows what's gonna happen in the future :(
Yeah i know it's crazy and I sound like a drama queen. I want to be mad at you, but I can't. I like you too much for that. Wow it was good to get that off my chest!
2 hours ago