Dear Mr Z

Dear Mr Z,

I don't really know what to say anymore. I've gone from being over the moon to being so down and I don't like it. I'm somewhat concerned that I say will say something really rude and insensitive to you, yet part of me just doesn't give a shit. I tried to be honest with you. I tried to tell you what my life is about right now, and what things i'm going through and what I could and couldn't give to you. Your friends and family had some concerns about me. Why would you want to get involved with a young, Jewish religious, closeted, foreigner who didn't have the ability to stay in the US long term? And I couldn't argue with that. You'd had an ex who moved into your place and lived with your siblings while you were living in California. Just till 'he got back on his feet'. These concerns were quite valid. I just wish I had someone warn me about getting involved with you. Actually I did. I did see a comment or 2 on my blog from readers warning me about getting too attached to you. And I ignored them. Clearly I shouldn't have. I had been hurt before, by a guy I was totally into, but I had no chance with him. This was different. We were dating. You were into me, I convinced myself. Were you?

Since our first meeting we had been in touch. You had told me you were free on Monday to meet again. I was so excited. I texted you on Sunday but no response. I texted you again later that day, again nothing. I called. I left a voicemail or 2. Nothing. I texted you the following morning, again nothing. I wondered if I should just give up on you. I even asked my facebook friends via my status. 'Jay wonders how many times he should call and text a guy before giving up?' it said. Responses ranged from 1 call and 1 text, to 1 call and 2 texts, to 'if he hasn't called by now move on, he's just not that into you'. But i didn't give up. I texted you one more time later that morning and finally got a response. I was relieved and put the whole doubt thing out of my mind.

We had a great time hanging out. We went on a date Wednesday night. Decided on a movie - Defiance. Clearly not a great move communication wise, but it was nice. I held your hand throughout the movie. And I didn't care who would see us. I was happy. We went back to your place, had something to eat, a drink and went to bed. Yeah thats right. Went to bed. All I wanted to do was lie next to you, holding you.

Yesterday I messaged you, I was out with some friends but I had something i needed to tell you and i'd call you later that night. I got an affirmative response. I messaged you when I got back but i didn't get a response. I figured you were asleep already. This morning I messaged you, but still no response. Nor did i get a reply to the one i sent later, nor to the calls nor the voicemail. Not a peep from you. I went out without my phone tonight. Having been gone 6 hours I figured there must be something from you when I return. A missed call, a voicemail, a text. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I know there are some issues we have. The whole closeted thing is one. The dating girls is another. But you seemed to be interested in learning about me, at least you said you were. Did you really spent time googling Judaism and on wikipedia? Really it was these things I wanted to talk to you about. I had been set up with a girl, and a date had been scheduled. These 'dates' were something that we had discussed somewhat. They weren't real dates. I pick the girl up, we go to a bar have a couple drinks, talk, be totally bored out of my mind, drop the girl back home. Finito. You knew that they meant nothing to me. I was dating you, and you meant so much to me. I didn't see this upcoming date as an issue, but you had every right to know it was happening. That's what I wanted to tell you.

I had been thinking about cutting down on blogging, or at least writing less. It's one thing to tell the whole world about my private life, but it's another when someone else is involved. Your private life was yours and I had no right to share that with the world.

Being closeted was another thing. I had originally planned out how things were going to work. I'd find a job (yeah right with this economy) and get a visa allowing me to stay in the US. Knowing that I could stay here and not be forced to go back home meant I thought i'd be comfortable enough to come out to my family. Knowing I wouldn't have to face them. But now things were different. I was seeing you, and this would quite likely force the issue to come to hand. I was thinking about who i'd tell, who wouldn't totally freak out when they heard. I picked a friend who'd be the first i'd tell.

My life was going to change in so many ways all because I met you. Now i don't know what it was i saw in you. Really how hard is it to reply to a text or make a call? Obviously I'm just not worth it.

That's it. I think. I'm not going to read through it and fix it all up, and it may be a bit jumpy as I move from one topic to another. I probably said some insensitive things, maybe even worse things. But right now I don't give a shit. In fact, i'm quite pissed off. Goodbye.