Thursday, March 19, 2009

I only have one regret...

I broke up with Mr Z on Wednesday night. Some of you will probably say you saw this coming. Some of you will say it should've happened earlier. Some of you will say you saw the warning signs early. But that all doesn't matter. I'm ok with the decision, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

There were a few things that happened over the past few weeks that made me stop and think, but i chose to ignore them. The time where he turned off his phone for 48 hours because he needed to think about things. Of course I had no idea, I just figured that he was ignoring every attempt of mine to get in touch with him. I almost dumped him then and there.

Another time he sent me a text that made it sound like he was going to break up with me me. And i pretty much was prepared to make an ultimatum when I next saw him. He knew my deal, i was closeted, and didn't have any exact plans to come out fully in the near future. He needed to be able to deal with the fact that I was going to meet new people, and I would want to hang out with them, such as a guy i met at the JCC purim party and we went to splash together. He needed to trust me that I wasn't going to go home with someone else. If he couldn't come to the party, then it was better to call it quits now.

He wanted to meet at a bar, or his house, but I just wanted to talk. The night was already taking a different direction than he had planned. We sat down on some steps in front of a building somewhere on the UWS. Just sitting there in the not so cool weather. Talking a bit, more often that not, just sitting in silence. Really what it came down to were the issues. I was young and closeted, and he needed to start thinking long term. At least that's what his friends were telling him. I think he saw their point, but didn't want to break up. That was when I realized that I had to be the one to do it. He did need to think about the future, and I wasn't able/willing to right now. I didn't want to, but I had to. So I broke up with him. I saw the tears in his eyes, he didn't want it to happen. But I wasn't giving him much of a choice. I sort of feel like I pulled the rug out from under him, and did something totally unexpected. Maybe he thought I'd fight for us to stay together. I hugged him goodbye and walked away. I turned around to watch him, and he looked utterly dejected. It was upsetting. He just sat back down on the steps with his feet stretched out in front of him, I just couldn't continue watching. I turned back around and walked to the subway.

We are going to remain friends, i think. We did have some more contact later that night. We texted, he called me - "did that just happen?" "Yeah it did." I'm going to miss him, obviously we won't be seeing as much of each other. There is however one regret that I do have. And that is i don't think i used the word sorry. So Mr Z, I'm sorry :(


tkob said...

I am very sad to hear this. I know you wanted this. It's never easy saying goodbye. Gam Zu L'Toivah!
I would like to tell you a few things that might make the future easier. I am not sure that keeping in contact with him is a good idea. It will be a constant reminder that it didn't work out, and usually falls away by itself. I would say take a break and if in the future your paths should cross, then perhaps a friendship can blossom. Let it be and take some time to heal your heart.

I've already commented that I don't like to use use the word BF for at least 3 months. That itself tends to ease the pain if the dating doesn't work out - which it often doesn' because it takes a while to learn about another person, and dating let's you do that. After a few months you should know where things stand and where they are heading.

The main thing is that there will be another. Most importantly, another who will want you for who YOU are, not what he wants you to be. That is probably the single most important thing about a mate.
You can want things for someone else, you can ask people to change some things about themselves, but you can't make a person be who they aren't. Live your life, and you will find someone to share it with you - not make you live their life. It isn't fair to ask, and ultimately, it won't last based on that.

So, smile :)# For whatever reason, this is how it is supposed to be. Remember Gam Zu L'Toivah! I know the pain and the loss is there, and that's alright. Just know something good will come from this.

Have a great Shabbos, try not to dwell on it too much. Know that I am but a phone call away if you want to talk (or visit on Shabbos)


Jay said...

Well i'm not making a decision now on keeping in contact. While we did have some contact after the breakup, both online and via text message. I'm going to give him some space now, and will wait for him to make the first move.

As for the who wanted who to be who, I'm just going to say you have it all wrong. But thats just my opinion.