Stuff

Things have been up and down of late. On Wednesday I met up with the guy I met at the JCC purim party and who I subsequently went to Splash with. I'll call him hot jew - HJ. Anyway, in case you didn't get it yet, he's totally HOT. Now that i've got that out of the way, we decided we'd go out for dinner. He picked a place in midtown and I met him there. It was a really nice meal. I was a bit concerned about people hearing me talk about gay stuff, so I probably didn't talk as much as I wanted to. Of course not that I needed to be concerned, but that's just me. He's in his 30s, so has kind of gone through much of what I've going through, coming from a religious background and all. He's probably one of the few gay people that i've met from a similar background thats that age. Not that he's old, but most of the other people I've met are alot closer to my age and many are just finding their feet.

After we finished it was still early, too early to go out, so we went to visit a friend of his who had recently come out of hospital. I guess that was my one good deed for the month :) . After that it was time to say goodbye, we got on the subway and he got off at his stop. I was thinking of going home, but then i realized where I was - the UWS, should I give Mr Z a call? I got off a couple stops early because it was so warm out. I called him, left a voicemail and sent a text. Eventually I heard from him so I headed over and spent the night. I won't give you all the details, but I will say this 'reunion sex' was the best yet :)

The following night I had a 'date' with a girl, which was a disaster, and I followed that up with another visit to Mr Z.

The week overall has been interesting. I learnt a few things about my life, and gays in general. For one, my life isn't that interesting, except to a few people that see me in a bar and wonder if i'm lost. Jewish gays especially have often gone through or are going through very similar things. Another thing I learnt is how fickle gays really are. Or maybe i knew it but didn't want to accept it. I've found I'm starting to actively stop myself getting close to people, just in case they disappear from my life. I had a few good gay friends, the early ones, who I thought we'd be good friends forever. Slowly but surely contact reduces to a trickle, or they just drop off the face of the earth, and I wonder what I saw in them in the first place :( .

j

The final update, on this story at least. Well not quite actually

**Just a note, i should blog in real time in future because so much can change in so little time. This post will have 2 parts. One I wrote but hadn't posted yet, followed by a short postscript.

Well things are over. Really over. I thought maybe there'd be some breakup sex, maybe we'd be 'friends with benefits'. I really like him, and he seemed to be hoping that we'd get back together again. He was sorry he'd been looking so far ahead after only dating a few short weeks and was beginning to fall in love with me. I had told him i'd give him some space, only to find him calling me late one night. Yes I missed him. I missed spending time with him. I missed being able to touch him (and other things ;) ). But I wasn't sure things had changed. I still saw the issues behind the breakup as being there. I didn't think it could be a long term thing. That being the case he decided it'd be better to make a clean break now, rather than later when it will be alot harder to. I was bummed to be honest, but I understand the reasons behind that.

Postscript: Well that was the situation a few days ago. Things have now changed it seems. He messaged me on facebook chat. It seems we're both wanting to see if we can make it work. I'm going to see him in a couple of days and take things from there. I'll keep you all posted.

J

I only have one regret...

I broke up with Mr Z on Wednesday night. Some of you will probably say you saw this coming. Some of you will say it should've happened earlier. Some of you will say you saw the warning signs early. But that all doesn't matter. I'm ok with the decision, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it.

There were a few things that happened over the past few weeks that made me stop and think, but i chose to ignore them. The time where he turned off his phone for 48 hours because he needed to think about things. Of course I had no idea, I just figured that he was ignoring every attempt of mine to get in touch with him. I almost dumped him then and there.

Another time he sent me a text that made it sound like he was going to break up with me me. And i pretty much was prepared to make an ultimatum when I next saw him. He knew my deal, i was closeted, and didn't have any exact plans to come out fully in the near future. He needed to be able to deal with the fact that I was going to meet new people, and I would want to hang out with them, such as a guy i met at the JCC purim party and we went to splash together. He needed to trust me that I wasn't going to go home with someone else. If he couldn't come to the party, then it was better to call it quits now.

He wanted to meet at a bar, or his house, but I just wanted to talk. The night was already taking a different direction than he had planned. We sat down on some steps in front of a building somewhere on the UWS. Just sitting there in the not so cool weather. Talking a bit, more often that not, just sitting in silence. Really what it came down to were the issues. I was young and closeted, and he needed to start thinking long term. At least that's what his friends were telling him. I think he saw their point, but didn't want to break up. That was when I realized that I had to be the one to do it. He did need to think about the future, and I wasn't able/willing to right now. I didn't want to, but I had to. So I broke up with him. I saw the tears in his eyes, he didn't want it to happen. But I wasn't giving him much of a choice. I sort of feel like I pulled the rug out from under him, and did something totally unexpected. Maybe he thought I'd fight for us to stay together. I hugged him goodbye and walked away. I turned around to watch him, and he looked utterly dejected. It was upsetting. He just sat back down on the steps with his feet stretched out in front of him, I just couldn't continue watching. I turned back around and walked to the subway.

We are going to remain friends, i think. We did have some more contact later that night. We texted, he called me - "did that just happen?" "Yeah it did." I'm going to miss him, obviously we won't be seeing as much of each other. There is however one regret that I do have. And that is i don't think i used the word sorry. So Mr Z, I'm sorry :(

So much to write about.... it's crazy! Part 3

And on to part 3 we go. I spend the weekend working out in the suburbs, which was great because Mr Z's parents have a house up there. It meant that when I finished work I could go meet him and spend the night with him till i had to be back at work the following morning. So thats what I did. I made it to his place with some help from google maps, and it was good to see him again, it had been all of 48 hours since i saw him last.

We decided to head out and get some logs for the fireplace. So we were driving through this small town, and then i see a cop car's lights start flashing. Oh fuck. Was that for me? Should I pull over? I guess i'm gonna have to. Was I speeding? It didn't feel like I was going fast. I pulled over, and opened my window. Do you know what the speed limit is sir? Actually I didn't. I had been going 45 in a 30 zone. Yikes! I gave him my [foreign] license, registration and all that stuff. He came back to inform me that his computer said I had an unanswered summons from about 7 years ago in Manhattan and that he was supposed to arrest me. WTF?!?! I'm a freaking tourist in this country, how do I have an unanswered summons?! I got really scared. Mr Z didn't have his license on him, what if I get arrested? this is a rental car, I had to be at work the next day. Who would bail me out? Mr Z told him that he lived up the road and gave his address. I don't know if that was it, or I just got lucky, but eventually the cop let me go. No arrest, no ticket, nothing! I didn't drive above 20 mph the rest of the outing! We got some wood, some ice cream and chocolate, and went home. It was nice and romantic in front of the fireplace. A bottle of wine was opened too :)

Unfortunately I had to leave at 9 in the morning and head back to work. So much for Sunday being a day off. While at work, I made plans to meet up with someone I'd met at the JCC purim party. He seemed like a really nice guy. He came from a similar background to me, he used to be religious and all that. He had invited me to spend shabbat with him, go to the gay synagogue CBST, overall a really nice guy. Nothing romantic of course, i'm taken. But he was just a really genuine guy that I wanted to talk to and get to know. Eating out wasn't good, because in the places we'd go to we wouldn't really be able to talk properly. And I wouldn't eat out at a non kosher place. A movie wouldn't work either. He suggested Splash which hosts Musical Mondays. I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I agreed. It's basically a night where they play songs from Broadway shows and movies and such and everyone sings along.

I met up with him outside, and we went in. It was an interesting night. I had a few drinks, and after a few hours I left. I just felt really weird. Maybe it's just me, i tend to be quite sensitive. I just thought what the hell was I doing here? It wasn't the fact that I was in Splash. Yes it's true i'd never been there before, the only reason being I was nervous. But it just wasn't for me. He was totally in his element, he knew a bunch of people there, he knew the words to all the songs, and i just felt really out of place. Not because of the kippa I was wearing or anything. But because I only knew the words to one of the songs and the rest of the time I just sipped my drink, chatted with him a bit, but mainly watched him sing and dance with all his friends. I guess Musical Mondays just isn't my thing. I left at about 10.30 not knowing where to go or what to do. I called Mr Z. No answer. I called another friend. I walked the streets a bit, rode the subway for a bit, then decided to call it a night and head home.

In other news I'm meeting up with Mr Z later today. and this is supposed to be a busy week for me. I have a friend's wedding to attend in NJ. I'm supposed to be meeting up with other random people, for a meal here, a drink there. I also promised a guy i'd hang with him when i got back from overseas, actually make that 2 guys. Plus another 2 friends want to hang out also. Yikes! Not sure how much i'll be able to do, but i'll try :)

Jay

So much to write about.... it's crazy! Part 2

I had been thinking about this quite a bit for the past few weeks, Mr Z had something to do with it. How can I expect to date someone in public and still be in the closet to everyone? Especially when he's out to everyone. I began thinking more and more about coming out to someone. It wouldn't be easy, but I thought I should do it. He was a very close friend from back home. We'd been friends for years and years, went through school together, and even after we graduated had spend alot of time together. He was one of my more regular friends, rather than the ultra religious friends. I was extremely nervous, adding to the fact that he's not in the US, so I had to reach him either by phone or online. I did catch him online but it actually took some time before I was able to get it out. I'd told him i was dating someone a week or 2 before that, with some general information about the person I was dating. Obviously not telling him the main issues - its a he, not a she, there's a 10+ age year difference, and the person is not Jewish.

I told him it was a secret, and he was the only person I had told. I guess it was sort of a test. Not that I expected him to fail, I expected him to pass, I just had to be 1000% sure. Eventually I got him online and it took me a while to actually get it out. I had type what I had to say, and then had my finger over the enter button, but couldn't press it. Instead i deleted it and wrote FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! He had no clue what it was and why I was having so much trouble telling him. Eventually I just did it. At first he thought I was kidding. "Oh right, you're dating a 'he' ". No, it's not a 'he', it's a he. Obviously the reaction was more surprise/shock than anything else. He thought maybe since I didn't find a girl I liked I went gay, lol. But eventually he became curious. He began asking me questions, real ones, probing ones. About the guy I was dating. Where we met, about me being gay, how long i'd known, how i'd gone through my life keeping such a secret. I didn't look gay, i didn't act gay. It was a late night. But the main thing was at the end of our chat, he essentially said while he was surprised, he'd keep my secret, we were still great friends and this didn't change anything. That meant alot to me.

Ok moving on for my busy weekend. On Thursday I was working out on Long Island and made it back home really late. But i still made plans to meet up with Mr Z. I didn't want to go all the way to Manhattan because I had an early start the next morning, so he picked a few places in Brooklyn. 2 in Park Slope, and 2 in Williamsburg. After checking them out online I picked the Excelsior in Park Slope. I took the subway and when I got there he was chatting with an Australian guy, living in NY. He was there to meet a guy from manhunt (he went home alone though, i don't think the guy showed up :( ). Anyway I think we went a bit far at the bar, with kissing and such. But he didn't stop me. Also the sign on the bathroom said maximum of 1 person inside at a time, which was a clear invitation for us to go inside, lol. It was a really nice night, and on the way back we stopped at dunkin donuts, and then back to the subway where I managed to score one last kiss on the platform (and then 1 on the subway). Clearly I need to learn where boundaries should be, because he had more concerns than I did about doing it.

Thats it for part 2. Part 3 is on its way :)

J

So much to write about.... it's crazy!

I promise i'll never wait such a long time between blog posts. Yeah it's been less than a week, but so much has happened it's been so crazy that I've had no time to actually get it down!

Ok so let me begin with Mr Z. Yeah we sorted things out, and things are going well. I know I was pretty mad at him, and some of you may wonder why on earth i'm still dating the guy. Well the truth is he explained everything, and apologized, and we sorted things out. I'm sure some of you thought WTF, dump the guy. But i'm not like that. And I really like him. So we are still dating (4+ weeks :) )

Last Sunday I had planned on attending a Purim party at Splash. I had a costume, I had everything. And then I got set up on a date, and the day 'picked' because of all the purim festivities was Sunday. Yep no way out, so I missed the party and wasted my night with a girl.

Anyway, the date finished early and I dropped the girl off. I then called Mr Z, and I drove to Manhattan to meet him. We had a really nice long discussion about things and issues and everything. And i spent the night, and went back home the following morning.

Monday was Purim. I had parties I planned to attend that night in the city. There was a house party, supposed to be followed by a party in a club. Pretty late in the day I decided to attend the GLBQ purim party at the JCC. It was earlier than my other parties, so I could attend it and still meet my straight friends at the other parties. Of course nothing ever goes to plan. I had an amazing time at the JCC party and didn't want to leave. At first I was worried about getting in pictures that would probably end up on facebook. But as it went on I began to feel much more at ease. It was great to actually meet some people in person that I'd only met online, or meet people that knew me as my Jay Murray, but not by my real name. Of course there were a bunch of people i met such as tkob, and other people that occasionally comment on this blog. People that I wouldn't meet at the meetings, or just new people that I was interested in getting to know. I received invites to go to the gay synagogue, I exchanged telephone numbers, made contacts with people from my own community and elsewhere and I was really glad to have met them and increased my gay circle of friends - in person this time :) It was so much fun I ended up staying till the end when it was almost midnight. I decided to skip the house party I was going to attend, and since i was already on the UWS, I decided to pay Mr Z a visit. I ended up missing the other party I was going to attend and spent the night with Mr Z. The rest of purim was very funfilled but I won't go into that on here.

I think thats enough for tonight. More to come tomorrow :)

j

Latest update

Hey all,
I know i've been quiet over the past few days, still have to reply to some comments on my previous post, but I wanted to give you an update on what's been happening. Mr Z called me on Saturday night. We had a nice long chat, and we met up on Sunday for a face to face chat. I'm not going to go in depth as to what was discussed, but I will say we sorted things out, and we're both looking forward to seeing more of each other :)

Jay

Dear Mr Z

Dear Mr Z,

I don't really know what to say anymore. I've gone from being over the moon to being so down and I don't like it. I'm somewhat concerned that I say will say something really rude and insensitive to you, yet part of me just doesn't give a shit. I tried to be honest with you. I tried to tell you what my life is about right now, and what things i'm going through and what I could and couldn't give to you. Your friends and family had some concerns about me. Why would you want to get involved with a young, Jewish religious, closeted, foreigner who didn't have the ability to stay in the US long term? And I couldn't argue with that. You'd had an ex who moved into your place and lived with your siblings while you were living in California. Just till 'he got back on his feet'. These concerns were quite valid. I just wish I had someone warn me about getting involved with you. Actually I did. I did see a comment or 2 on my blog from readers warning me about getting too attached to you. And I ignored them. Clearly I shouldn't have. I had been hurt before, by a guy I was totally into, but I had no chance with him. This was different. We were dating. You were into me, I convinced myself. Were you?

Since our first meeting we had been in touch. You had told me you were free on Monday to meet again. I was so excited. I texted you on Sunday but no response. I texted you again later that day, again nothing. I called. I left a voicemail or 2. Nothing. I texted you the following morning, again nothing. I wondered if I should just give up on you. I even asked my facebook friends via my status. 'Jay wonders how many times he should call and text a guy before giving up?' it said. Responses ranged from 1 call and 1 text, to 1 call and 2 texts, to 'if he hasn't called by now move on, he's just not that into you'. But i didn't give up. I texted you one more time later that morning and finally got a response. I was relieved and put the whole doubt thing out of my mind.

We had a great time hanging out. We went on a date Wednesday night. Decided on a movie - Defiance. Clearly not a great move communication wise, but it was nice. I held your hand throughout the movie. And I didn't care who would see us. I was happy. We went back to your place, had something to eat, a drink and went to bed. Yeah thats right. Went to bed. All I wanted to do was lie next to you, holding you.

Yesterday I messaged you, I was out with some friends but I had something i needed to tell you and i'd call you later that night. I got an affirmative response. I messaged you when I got back but i didn't get a response. I figured you were asleep already. This morning I messaged you, but still no response. Nor did i get a reply to the one i sent later, nor to the calls nor the voicemail. Not a peep from you. I went out without my phone tonight. Having been gone 6 hours I figured there must be something from you when I return. A missed call, a voicemail, a text. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I know there are some issues we have. The whole closeted thing is one. The dating girls is another. But you seemed to be interested in learning about me, at least you said you were. Did you really spent time googling Judaism and on wikipedia? Really it was these things I wanted to talk to you about. I had been set up with a girl, and a date had been scheduled. These 'dates' were something that we had discussed somewhat. They weren't real dates. I pick the girl up, we go to a bar have a couple drinks, talk, be totally bored out of my mind, drop the girl back home. Finito. You knew that they meant nothing to me. I was dating you, and you meant so much to me. I didn't see this upcoming date as an issue, but you had every right to know it was happening. That's what I wanted to tell you.

I had been thinking about cutting down on blogging, or at least writing less. It's one thing to tell the whole world about my private life, but it's another when someone else is involved. Your private life was yours and I had no right to share that with the world.

Being closeted was another thing. I had originally planned out how things were going to work. I'd find a job (yeah right with this economy) and get a visa allowing me to stay in the US. Knowing that I could stay here and not be forced to go back home meant I thought i'd be comfortable enough to come out to my family. Knowing I wouldn't have to face them. But now things were different. I was seeing you, and this would quite likely force the issue to come to hand. I was thinking about who i'd tell, who wouldn't totally freak out when they heard. I picked a friend who'd be the first i'd tell.

My life was going to change in so many ways all because I met you. Now i don't know what it was i saw in you. Really how hard is it to reply to a text or make a call? Obviously I'm just not worth it.

That's it. I think. I'm not going to read through it and fix it all up, and it may be a bit jumpy as I move from one topic to another. I probably said some insensitive things, maybe even worse things. But right now I don't give a shit. In fact, i'm quite pissed off. Goodbye.

Dear Mr Z....

To be finished later tonight...

My new beau :)

Wow, i'm really enjoying being with Mr Z. I met up with his again and actually showed him my previous blog post. We had a really nice night together. We met up for drinks (well i had a drink) and when he arrived we went back to his place. I had some things going through my mind, it was only the second time we'd met, but he seemed like he was interested in more, and there were some things he said that put me at ease which made me think yeah i'm not the only one who wants to be more than friends. Having just arrived back in the country he asked me if i was again able to stay for 3 months and i told him in fact I was able to stay for 6 months without having to leave. His response was something along the lines of 'now I can get attached to you'. We went to his room and it looked like he'd done a bit of a spring cleaning and he said something like 'when you're bringing someone around that is boyfriend material...'. That was nice :)

We went to pick up some supplies for a night in. Vodka, a bottle of Baron Herzog kosher wine, soda and some snacks. He then proceeded to make some dinner. Since i was going to have some too, he looked at everything he used if it was kosher. I showed him the OU symbol that was on most of the ingredients he wanted to use, but i vetoed the chicken stock. I know from a strict kosher perspective that just because the ingredients are kosher, it doesn't mean the food is kosher. The utensils need to be kosher too, but i don't mind. I had some and it tasted great, even without the stock, lol. It's nice to see that he's trying to learn more about where I come from. Apparently wikipedia came in handy for him over the past couple of days.

I met his sister who was nice. I wondered what she thought about me. Apparently his friends and family had a few concerns about me. I think my status as a young, closeted religious jewish guy was the cause of concern, but I didn't want to ask too much. We were going to watch a movie on tv but cablevision was having some issues, so we just lay in each others arms on the couch drinking wine, talking and watching reruns of the Golden Girls, lol.

We seemed to be on the same track, interested in the same things and wanting to see where this was gonna go, so i'm very pleased. Eventually it got quite late and we retreated to his room, and whatever happened behind closed doors that night or the following morning will stay between us ;) . I will say though it was nice to fall asleep lying next to him, being able to touch him, and wake up in the same position next to this hot guy.

We both had things to do so after coffee and breakfast I left. We made plans for today to go on a real date and discussed different things we could do. A movie, a museum, the planeterium, the list goes on. Well it's almost time for that date, so I gotta get a move on.

Have a good night,
Jay

Where do i begin?!?

Let me start with my trip back to NY. More importantly the guy sitting in 24G. I didn't see him at first as I feel asleep before takeoff. But a couple hours later I was awake again and saw him. The first thing I noticed were those piercing blue eyes. They were incredible. I wasn't sure if he was gay, but he looked cute. German, dirty blond hair. Then I noticed the earring in his left ear. Wasn't sure if that meant he was gay, but he was reading a copy of Vanity Fair. And when he got up to get something out of his carryon and he stretched his shirt rode up and i could see the top of his CKs. The white ones with the red waistband, just like a pair i had :). I didn't take my eyes off him the entire flight. Nor at immigration, or baggage claim. Of course i didn't manage to attract his attention. I need to learn how to do that without actually going up to him and saying hi. Too bad I was sitting 2 rows back, on the outbound flight I had been sitting in his row.

Ok now onto someone else. I have a friend. Well a fb friend anyway. We've been chatting for a while, he knows who I really am. I think he is who i think he is. Meaning he has a few pics up on fb, but no facepic. He says that's really him, and i trust him. Recently he told me he didn't like the new me. My facebook statuses were often about sex, hooking up with guys, being horny and the like. I told him i'd tone it down, cos i didn't want to lose him as a friend. Of course then i got chatting with someone else. And i brought up the topic. He basically told me, why should you change who you are because someone else doesn't like it? The truth is they were both sort of right. Being all brash and crass wasn't who i really was, yet sometimes I liked it. Just being able to let it all out. So i contacted the first guy and told him. Thats who i am sometimes. If you don't like it, you don't have to remain my friend. That was probably a bit rude but hey, it is what it is.

And onto the guy i believe i refer to as Mr Z. What can I say about him... We had been in contact while i was overseas, i was dying to meet him again. We made plans to meet up again when I got back so i was really excited. I did send him a message though, being that i'm new to all this, asking what exactly is protocol. Do i just rock up to his place, or do we meet at a bar for a drink or what. His reply was either, whatever I wanted, or we could go on a proper date. Movie? Museum? That threw me a bit. This probably deserves it's own post, but what does that mean? Did he just ask me out on a date? He replied something to the extent of 'he'd like to be able to chat with me when i'm sober too'. My mind went into overdrive a bit. Was he interested in hanging out? Was he interested in a relationship? Was I interested in a relationship? At least right now? Damn these things get complicated. Plus there was an age difference (not that i care to be honest) and of course there was something i had been told by a reader of this blog in one of our chats. "Can you really see yourself settling down with a non jewish guy? How comfortable will you be with a christmas tree in your house?" The fact is if I were straight, I wouldn't consider marrying out of the faith, but i'm not. Settling down with a guy is already considered doing something wrong. So why should i give a fuck if the guy isn't jewish. I don't think i care that much. If i like the guy so be it.

I think i'm getting way ahead of myself here, it's just sex for now. And maybe hanging out a bit. But lets see where it goes. And i hope he doesn't read this blog post and flee for the hills.

Jay