Monday, May 25, 2009

U-turn?

I had an amazing, crazy, good, funny, sad, eye-opening weekend. Ok let me explain. I got a call about a job over the weekend in manhattan. Well i needed a place to stay so of course i called Mr Splash who said no problem :) He was going away so I had his place all to myself. It was a quiet weekend with lots of time for contemplation. He gave me all the instructions I needed and also told me that any food I bring into his place should be kosher.

On friday afternoon I went walking the streets, it was a beautiful day out. I passed someone wearing a big apple dodgeball tshirt (i believe from the GYM bar team). It was kind of surreal. I mean i've been following their league a bit as well as a blog devoted to the dodgeballers (yeah i know it's kind of stalkerish, but this is the world wide web. Get used to it). But it just felt weird to see one of them in the flesh.

Anyway so at work there was this total hottie working, it was hard not stare at him all day :) . He was the epitome of a person that was tall, dark and handsome. Unfortunately he was totally straight, or closeted.

But getting back to my stay at Mr Splash's place. I started to think about that kosher comment. Of course I would only bring kosher into his place what did he think? But thinking about it he was right. I've eaten non kosher before, and i've blogged about it. And it didn't bother me. It was like i'd gone off the deep end and tried to ignore everything i'd been brought up with. Here was a guy that came from a religious background and was gay and seemed to be able to merge the 2 things together. He had a bookshelf with a selection of jewish books on it. Books on the torah and the mishna. He had a menorah (used to light candles on hannuka). On his refrigerator he had a jewish calendar with times for lighting sabbath candles, and on top of that he had a flyer for the Folsom St East Leather S&M and fetish party. I guess it just showed me that being Jewish and gay don't have to be mutually exclusive. Just because you don't keep some laws doesn't mean you have to throw it all away.

I brought some food with me and it was actually quite funny. Among the items I brought were chips and some soda. I opened up his fridge and besides for a few condiments and cooking ingredients, it basically consisted entirely of bottled water, some protein milkshakes, and a huge container of one of those whey protein powders. Yeah I know he goes to the gym often but this almost felt like I was desecrating a temple built to the human body by eating these things in his house, lol.

Yeah all that time alone with no entertainment except a book meant lots of thinking time. And the more I thought about it, the more envious I became of him. Here he was. Gay, jewish, proud, he had a job, a home, he put his own stamp on his life. A life with the perfect balance. And the better his life looked, the more screwed up mine looked. It just feels like i'm drifting aimlessly not quite sure which way to go. In other words, life kind of sucks and things feel pretty hopeless :(

All this means alot more to think about. I'm not saying suddenly i'm going to do a 180 and be the nice good jew that everyone expects of me. I'm staying the way I am for now, until I manage to find that balance. The search continues...

Jay

11 comments:

DM said...

Hmm. How close are you with this Mr. Splash? He just let you stay at his place without him being there? I felt a little weird reading about you looking through his apartment and sharing its contents on your blog. I hope he doesn't mind :)

Jay said...

Lol, i didn't look at it from that perspective... but you make it sound like I went through his stuff! I used the fridge and I could see what was on his bookshelf, that was it. Yeah he let me stay there without him being there, we're friends. Well maybe we were before this blog post ;)

Anonymous said...

gosh sunshine-relax!
you havn't hit even 30 ish yet....by 40 youll have it all the homethe nice place,time, and awesome ...lifetime partner...mind you:12 yrs ago when i shoved my wishes inside the west wall in jerusalem...absolutely ALL of them became true (well-ecept one: infinite peace in the middle east...but i guess thats waay too naughty & beyond...to ask for)

so-youll have it all too (gosh i am repeating myself from way back posts)...it takes TIME....thats all...it only takes TIME....its only in the movies things happen overnight out of the blue...

so -relax and enjoy life:
(ofcourse you can be orthodox jewish & gay!...for all of us from the non-jewish world thats perfectly fine........and cute)

MPDiM
;)

Jay said...

It's hard to look at the big picture when it feels like nothing is going right. One little thing is all i need... but easier said than done.

j

Heblish said...

seems like you had to see some of this for yourself - i know i and some other commenters have been leaving comments to the same effect. basically - you don't have to throw everything out.

I'm also having a lot of difficulty meshing the gay and frum things, but i do know i want some level of halacha and hashkafa in my life. i totally hear what you say about the envy thing - there are people who make me feel similarly.

moral: dont throw out the baby with the bathwater. judaism is more than a collection of laws. it involves an ethic, a people, a God, a history. and also some laws.

Jay said...

Yeah I don't have to throw everything away but I think i'll just wait and see...

David said...

Well, first you have no idea what Mr. Splash's life is really like. I'm sure there are people that he looks at that make him feel like his life is a mess comparatively. There is no such thing as the perfect balance, there is only the continued effort to keep everything from toppling over. Some have simply had more practice than others. Give yourself a little space, cut yourself some slack and remember that you have really only just started out.

Jay said...

True i don't know what his life is like, and i can only base things on appearance. Maybe there is no perfect balance, but a balance that works differently for every individual. My problem is i'm running out of space and slack and unfortunately time.

Anonymous said...

We're all running out of time.

Anonymous said...

I outed myself in an Orthodox community and was made to suffer. I left, but the gossip never dies.

I didn't feel liberated afterward. However, they did hurt me. Moving away solved that problem.

Can we keep on moving?

Anonymous said...

Some assume being out is better, but there is a price to pay.

If you're an activist, there are no questions only answers.