Saturday, May 9, 2009

Another rant

That's right, time for another rant. You may call me a whiny bitch, and tell me to grow up, but I don't give a fuck. Right now i'm coasting along. Things aren't great, but they're not bad. I keep myself occupied and am becoming more aware of my life changing in small ways. I hang out with my friends, straight friends that is. My gay friends, not so much. I'm not even sure I would say I have that many gay friends. Acquaintances, yes, but friends, no. There's a bunch of people I know from JQY, similar in age to me, somewhat similar backgrounds, but I feel like I have nothing to do with them.

There are some other guys i know. Also gay and jewish, but slightly older than me, and they seem more disposed to hanging out. This is the story of those friends. Before passover, the guy i called HJ (hot jew) previously (who incidentally has asked me to stop calling him hot jew) so i'll just call him oh i dunno... Mr splash. Because the first time i went to splash was with him. So we'd hung out before, we went out to eat. Anyway, so before passover he messaged me if i want to go see a movie. Unfortunately I was leaving early the following morning to go away and then he was going away as well, but we promised to get in touch when he gets back. Fast forward a couple weeks and I got a call from him. We made plans to meet up the following week. Yes it was 6 days away but I was really looking forward to it. Counting down the days until the morning arrived and I messaged him what the plans were. Unfortunately something had come up with work so he couldn't meet me. Strike 1. Yes I know that it's not his fault, but it was something I was really looking forward to all week, and unfortunately things like that don't come around so often. Over the next week I texted him a few times and all i got was silence. No reply at all. I called and he didn't answer. I didn't know what i'd done but I was almost considering giving up on ever seeing him again.

Then something else came up. I was chatting with David online and he mentioned he was free sometime the following weekend, so we made tentative plans. Something else to look forward to. And then things again went downhill. Whatever he was doing before meeting me was going to take longer so it wasn't going to work out. So i made other plans, only for him to later ask if i was free later that evening, but now i wasn't. Strike 2.

I decided to give Mr Splash a call just to say hi, to try one last time before I decide he was a waste of time, and he actually answered. We had a nice chat and he apologized about everything and said he was very busy but when he gets a chance we'll sort something out. And i'm sure David and I will figure something out too.

But there's one thing i just don't get. Why don't i click more with the gay guys more my own age. Is it because i'm living in Brooklyn and they're in Manahattan and we're practically a million miles away? Is it because on one hand i'm supposedly religious, yet on the other hand I probably do a lot of things that they (at least the religous ones) would probably never do. Dating a non jewish guy, eating non kosher, not keeping the sabbath. I really don't know. Maybe i just don't try hard enough. Even those who say we have to hang out sometime, or i want to go with you to G or Vlada or wherever, just have better things to do.

Why am i writing all this? It's just been a bad week. Well a bad few weeks. Things that I was really looking forward to just didn't work out, and the past few days I just got really down. How much longer can I keep on doing this? The whole facade, dating girls, it's gone on too long, yet I can't bring myself to do anything about it just yet. Yesterday especially was a bad day, saturday night came along, and I just needed to get out and get away from all my straight friends. I don't have a wingman anymore but I went into the city anyway. It was late, but i got out in Greenwich Village and just walked. Through the village, chelsea, midtown, just walking trying to clear my head. I was there for a good couple of hours, walking past places I have been... the G lounge, the Gym bar and others.

Of course now i'm continuing this post and things have changed. I went to a surprise birthday party my siblings arranged for me. One that I almost did not attend because I had planned on meeting David. There will be other times to meet him, but I only have one birthday. And while I was there Mr Splash also texted me if I wanted to have dinner with him. So things don't always turn out badly.

There's another JQY meeting this week, so let's see how it goes. Good night all.

P.S. In the top right corner of my blog you'll notice a poll. It should give you an idea of what i'm thinking of doing.


Anonymous said...

Oh Jay... I read your rant and empathise with you.
You probably need to stop dating girls, if your just leading them on.
You need to find things to look forward to, besides seeing gay friends. It's way too easy to get depressed over these things. So start being happy with your life (however you choose to live it).
Smile :)

dpaste said...

Well I'm glad that in the end I didn't totally ruin your weekend. We will certainly get together again. Hopefully soon.

Jay said...

One day, one day. And David you know i didn't mean it like that. Thanks for being a great friend :)

Anonymous said...

so Jay, firstly HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! a bit belated but still.

Next, even us real "frum" guys aint so frum. and about the JQY guys---did u really try hard enough to get in touch with all the guys that you have spoken to over the months and still see no end? I reckon there may be people out there---just think back i guess.

About the city walks--- that has to be one of the most relaxing things in the world to walk all the way from the west side to ferry by ground zero and just clear your head. [even if you walked less. lol]
stay optimistic please....

Jay said...

You know what anon, mea culpa. I know I could've tried harder, but didn't. I guess I didn't try everyone either. What can I say it was a bad week. Wish I knew who you were :)

Anonymous said...

If one is convinced that coming out to a macho, frum crowd is the best choice for a happy future, jqadults here we cum.

Why are you attracted to older peers? Maturity? You may be more worldly than younger folks; you may feel flattered by the attention of older guys. You may have less to be self conscious for. All of the above, some of the above, none of the above? Everyone finds their way, jay.

Jay said...

Jqadults? lol.

Everyone finds their way, and I think i've found mine.

Anonymous said...

If you have found your way, that's wonderful. You are a very talented guy. You can basically accomplish anything you set your mind to on your own terms.

You are a capable writer. go out there and make money producing.

mr. sneak

Jay said...

Easier said than done.

Anonymous said...

Music is a money maker if you can promote it.

Jay said...

so is mega millions

Anonymous said...

With capital, you can pursue wealth. Wealthy people borrow; it's called leverage, but you have to have a plan. Even those who inherit or marry wealth have to be smart and savvy or they lose it all. I've seen mega millions throw away mega millions. The skill set is basic. If you can sell, you can succeed. Confidence you surely don't lack.

You know your strengths. Network. Fate will find you.

If you're attracted to someone else's megamillions, you'll feel better making your own.