It's all about trust

It seems every time i post i feel different about telling people who i really am. It used to be that i could count the people i had told on one hand. Now i've lost count, and i'm glad. The original guys were people i had had lots of contact with. People i felt close with. A few people I felt I could trust.

Some might say i'm even too open about it now. Too trusting. But i've been coming clean to more and more people, and it feels great that I can be more open about it. I've rekindled some old friendships now that i can come clean. Of course i'm sure there are some people who want to know, just for the sake of wanting to know and aren't really interested in the real me, but that doesn't bother me. I still pick and choose who i tell, who i feel I can trust, which is kind of my safeguard, rather than just telling anyone and everyone.

Overall I think i'm in a good place :)

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my readers. Hope you're stuffed like a turkey, lol.

So tell me... what are you thankful for this year?

j

Progress

Well i've got the travel bug. I've just settled in back at home and am planning my next trip. Looks like it will be NYC and will be soon. Could be as early as in the next week or two, so i'm very excited :)

But of course this means i'm extremely busy. Got so many things to do, not much time for blogging i'm afraid. Writing or reading. I'm also a bit lost for things to write about. Facebook is on a bit of a slowdown for me. Maybe i'm just not so into it any more, maybe i realised i should meet people in real life and stop this whole online crap.

me

Reactions to 'sorry'

Was my 'sorry' post so confusing? Maybe if you read it in the context of my other posts it made sense, but on it's own it didn't. Because i've been getting some different reactions to it. Some people get what i'm trying to say, and some people are way off. Things like 'i thought you were gay already' or 'congrats on coming out'. I'm not coming out, well not to people in my real life just yet. My point was to kinda come clean to my fb friends. They weren't my friends, they were friends of some guy named Jay Murray who i made up. The profile pic was also one i found on google, it's not me. I didn't want to use a celeb pic because i wanted it to look more real. Thats what i was sorry for. I wasn't sorry i was gay. I wasn't sorry that i was coming out. I was sorry for the whole lie that is Jay Murray's fb profile. I was sorry for the deceit. I was sorry for abusing the trust that people had in me. Yes i had my reasons for doing it, wanting to make gay friends, but being closeted and coming from a religious family with all the issues that would arise with that. But it still didn't make it right. Thats what i'm sorry for.

Me

I did it

Earlier today i posted a link to this blog (and the post titled 'sorry' in particular). I'm somewhat relieved, i'm somewhat nervous to how people react. But i'm ready for it, whatever may happen. I've been told by people i should just walk away and start again, rather than letting people know the truth. But i think that would've been just taking the easy way out. It was time for me to come clean. So I did. And i'm glad i did.

J

Good morning

I've just been experimenting with some cosmetic changes. You can now follow my blog :) It seems to be the in thing right now, lol.

Bye
j

Random stuff

So there's this guy i work with. Totally hot, like in a hot country boy kind of way. I can't stop staring at him, lol. I've gotta be careful though.

One of my favorite TV shows is back on - Top Chef. Yeah i love my food. Just give me Bravo and the Food network and I'm happy :) There's a few gay chefs on. They named themselves Team Rainbow, lol. The twink Patrick is gone, but who cares. Richard the bear from San Diego is still there. And he's hot! (Yeah i'm 26, i notice hot guys!) Check out this recap of the first episode. Anyway, gotta go, bye!

Jay

Sorry

I can't say I didn't have it coming to me. First I was warned, then i was busted, and now i'm screwed. Well i thought I was. I spent the day freaking out. Someone I had revealed myself to decided I wasn't worth keeping a secret for. And he was right. Over the last few days i had revealed myself to a number of people. The all seemed to take the news ok. But one by one it became clear that they weren't interested in being friends. They may not have said it, but they didn't need to. There wasn't going to be any friendship or chatting. They may have been friends with Jay, but Jay didn't really exist. That pic? Not me. The name? Made up. My fb profile? Fake.

Yes I may have had my reasons. I am closeted, and aren't ready to show people who i really am. But it didn't change the fact. I had lied. I had manipulated. I had done things I wished I hadn't. The thing I wanted the most, friendship, i had managed to royally screw up. These people did not have friendships with me, they had friendships with Jay. And when Jay dissappears, so does the friendship. But there have been a handful that have stood by me. People that i trust. People that i can rely on if my world starts crumbling and need some help. One could argue all day whether the end justified the means. But i'm not here to argue.

So here I am. Not Jay. Just a nobody. And this nobody owes 2000 odd people an apology. I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say.

I think i may post this to facebook someday soon. I fully expect my 'friend' count to drop and continue dropping. And i will live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

Me

So i'm here...

And i'm bored, lol. There is nothing on TV and i have to find things to do when i'm not working. Of course that isn't why you're reading this blog. I think kosher wise, i'm not going to do much about that, thats a big thing and i'm not ready for that, if i ever will be. I didn't put on teffilin yesterday. It wasnt that i had in mind not to, i just didn't do it straight away in the morning, then i had things to do, and went for a nap because i was exhausted, and slept till night. I forgot all about it. I don't think its the first time that has happened though.

What else is doing... i'm getting a bit of a taste of my own medicine. Well not quite that, but it is what people warned me about. I've started to come out to more and more people online. Really all i'm looking for is friends. I want to talk to people, chat to people. And the people i try to approach just don't seem to be interested. I try Fb, aim, MSN. There's only so many times i will attempt to chat with a person before i just decide i'm wasting my time. And i don't want to seem too desperate. Do i keep on trying or what?

BUSTED!!!!

So I got busted. It has taken a while but it happened. One of the guys I've been chatting to found my blog. And he wasn't impressed to say the least. Actually he was pretty pissed off. I guess that isn't the best way for anyone to find out, but it is what it is. Thinking about it, most of what i said to him was true, and i have to wonder how i'd react if it happened to me. On one hand i don't blame him for being mad at me. On the other hand, give me a freaking break. Oh well, I've now got one less friend to worry about.

Oh and EL, i don't think you'll actually read this but that was harsh! I don't think i'll be trying that again :( .

j

pics and travel

Hi all,

Just a quick update for now. You may have noticed that i removed certain imagery that may or may not have been offensive to certain readers, and certainly not the kind of pics they were expecting when they clicked on this blog. I have now provided link to sites instead, so if you want to see pics, then click on thru, otherwise just continue reading.

Also, i'm heading away for a couple weeks on a trip for work, so my blogging abilities may not be as great. But this is the first time for me to actually be alone, without any supervision (other than god of course, lol). I wonder what i will and won't do while i'm there. Shabbat? Kosher? Prayer? When there's no one watching me how low will i go? Only time will tell i guess. Sometimes i feel this is the test, when there's no-one around physically to tell me off of what i will keep and what i won't.

jay

Halloween and yep, FB

Don't you just love Halloween? Drinking, partying, flirting with hot guys. But forget the candy, i'm talking about eye candy! It's not beach weather anymore, so where else do u get to see hot guys dressed up, looking all hot with only a minimal amount of clothing on? Seriously, some of them are just too hot ! Of course all the pics go up on facebook too, so if you weren't at the party, who cares? You can still perve to your hearts content :)

Now what do i use facebook for? I use it release sexual tension, lol. I'm extremely flirty, i post very suggestive status updates, i love cyberchatting with a bunch hot guys around the world, and getting off on it. I love perving at all the hot pics my 'friends' put up. But how far is going too far? Where do you draw the line? Yeah i've been asked out on a date by guys on fb, but when a guy says 'i want to be with you', what do I say? When a guy says 'Virginia isn't that far away, i can be there tonight and i want you to break my virgin ass in', how do I even respond to that? When a guy says he's coming to NY soon or 'planning a trip to NY next year and wants to meet up', how do i get out of that? When after a bit of a chat a guy asks me to 'come over to his place tonight, and if not tonight another night soon', how do i come up with another excuse as to why i can't?

I guess there isn't really much choice. I can stop what I'm doing, but i won't. I could come clean to them and i may, but only to the odd one here and there. The only other option is to just not respond to their advances. Any tips?

And lastly, all those who can, go out and vote. Obama, McCain who cares who wins! As long as SNL has Tina Fey continue with her Sarah Palin. She's absolutely hilarious! Oh, and no on prop 8. Had to get that in there :)

BTW, thanks guys for the comments. Keep them coming, and if anyone has any questions or things you want me to blog about, just let me know.

Have a great day :)
Jay