If i had to describe how I feel...

If I had to describe how I feel right now.... it would be shattered. Not that anyone did anything to me, but it's something i did to myself.

I think i've mentioned before how much i liked HGF. He's the sweetest, most amazing guy i've ever met (and so hot!). He's also in a relationship with another guy. An open relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. It felt like we had more than a great friendship, we had an amazing bond and nothing could change that. Well thats how i felt about him and i think that's how he felt about me. I wasn't exactly relationship material, but i didn't care. He was in a relationship and I wasn't looking for much, only friendship.

But the closer we got, the more and more I liked him. And when I finally came out to him, a great burden felt gone, and I could finally be 100% straight with him. He really took me under his wing, and taught me so much. He would always be the first guy I trusted with my secret. And i was beginning to fall for him. Sometime around our first meeting, in an email to him I told him that I wanted him to be my first. It was going to be difficult to organize, but I wanted it so badly. He would be perfect. I loved him, I trusted him. I knew he would take things slowly (or fast if i wanted it). He would let me be in control, making sure it was a special, memorable experience. I guess the issue was I expected it to happen, and it was only a matter of when.

There were a few occasions where it looked like we could organise it, be in the same city at the same time. It was going to be perfect. I dreamed about it, i think i even wrote about it. I was going to turn up at his hotel room, he would answer the door and I would give him the biggest hug and kiss i could. I wouldn't let go of him. I wanted to touch him, to feel him, to have him. And I wanted him to have me. The kiss would be even better than our first kiss (which was incredible), back in NYC. But i'd be able to kiss more of him. His ear lobes. His neck. His shoulders. I'd undo his shirt buttons, make my way to his pecs and nipples and abs kissing him all over. I'd begin to open his jeans, button by button, waiting for my surprise :) Ok clearly heading off track.

The reason of this post is that HGF and his partner have decided to turn their open relationship, into a monogomous one. Yay for them, and i'm really happy for them. I think it's a big step and a step in the right direction. Maybe i'm just too conservative and don't 'get' the whole open relationship thing. I mean if you're fucking other guys then whats the point of calling it a relationship? I know saying that is sacrilege in the gay world, but so be it.

But i'm really mad. Not at him, but at myself. Obviously this wasn't going to be a definite thing, especially with the distance between us. But in my mind it was only a matter of when. It was supposed to be special and perfect and with him. I was ready for it. I wanted it. I didn't want to have to find someone else that i liked enough and wanted to be my first. I don't know how I feel. I said shattered. Maybe heart broken is better. Or stupid. I cannot believe I'm not going to have another chance at kissing those beautiful lips... :(

And there wasn't a lack of people warning me about this. One guy told me it wasn't healthy for me to be in 'waiting for HGF' like this rather than being open to other guys and seeing what happens. Another didn't get it either. He commented that if HGF couldn't love me back in the same way that I loved him, then really what was the point of pursuing it with him.

They both made good points. I just wanted to believe that it would happen someday. I guess that job is now up for grabs. Any takers?

In other news, #4.5 is now #5. He's been so for less than a week and is amazingly cool with everything. We've been chatting quite alot over the last 5-6 days. Obviously alot is advice and general chit chat. But i'm wondering if it's too much. We've had a couple of MSN chats that went on for hours! While they were fun, and interesting, I think it might be too much - for him, not for me, i love it! Should I cut back on the chatting and emails and messages on facebook?

enjoy your weekend!
ciao
J

What do i do?!

Why the hell am I so indecisive? I don't know what to do about moving. To move out permanently I need cash, and i'm studying full time, so no job yet. I'd hate to eat away at my savings...

I'm a member of a few 'dating/meeting' sites. No I've never hooked up with anyone, but they're all there. Manline, manhunt, gay.com, jdate. I think i may have even joined up to gaydar! But what do i do on these sites? Look at profiles, chat, dream about actually meeting someone. But of course I never go through with it. Out of all the sites, i think i like manhunt the best. People looking for sex!

It's weird in that i know i'm not going to meet up with anyone but i enjoy checking out the profiles and just random chats with random people. Yeah, they're there for sex. But i've met some really nice guys on there. People I would have expected to meet at date.com rather than manhunt. My profile says i'm a virgin, and i wonder what that effect that has on people who message me. Lots of people i've spoken to have essentially told me they're not only looking for a fuck. They want to make friends. go out for a drink, coffee, whatever.

I'm rambling and don't know where i'm going with this. I guess has manhunt turned into a dating site as much as it is site where you can find someone in your neighbourhood looking to get laid?

I've had a total of 1 person tell me i should not be looking for my first fuck on manhunt. And he's right! But once the first is taken care of, nothing is stopping me ;)

Hope your having a great weekend,
jay

PS. My profile name on manhunt is jayles

The latest!

Well for starters just want to let you know that the tests i had done last week came back clear :)

In other news I'm in touch with #4 and he's cool with the whole thing.. I think. So i guess i'm back on track. I've already picked out a #5. While i haven't told him who i am, I told him i'm not Jay so I guess he's only a #4.5 right now. He's been very understanding, so I guess NYH (who isn't NYH anymore, rather #3) was the only bump in the road.

In other words, i've been thinking of moving out of home. Everytime i decide to make the move I change my mind the next day but i think i'm actually going to do it this time. It may be just to a temporary place to start with but i have to get out of here. The people I live with are making me sick, i need to get away. I think i also may head somewhere for a vacation, just to relax and take my mind off everything.

Jay

Voting

To all of you who enjoy reading this blog, or those who came here by mistake and everyone else in between, please vote in the poll on the right. It only takes about 3.5 seconds :) And it'll really help me get a better idea of the way other people think.

thanks
J

4 is closer to 3 than it is to 1

Mathematically that's correct, but i wish it weren't so in my life. It's been 3 days since my last message to #4. He actually seemed ok with all this, but now i'm not so sure. I know its not the best feeling to have this sprung on you, but i didn't have much choice. Maybe me coming out to certain people is not a good idea. So far i've lost more than i've gained.

I'm sure someone out there will say if they don't want to be my friend during trying times, then they weren't a good friend to begin with, and while that may be true, the people i thought i felt comfortable coming out to are dropping like flies.

Someone told me he asked a random friend of his what he would do. His friend would've dumped me too. That doesn't bode well for my future!

Anyway, i've created a poll in the top right of this page. What would you do? Please vote, as i'd love to see what you think.

thanks,
Jay

Nothing much to report except......

I have been a bit quiet... due to the jewish holiday, but also i was in hospital today. Just had a small procedure done, and was discharged later in the day. I won't know the results for a week or two, but hopefully all will be well.

Thats really all i'm going to say. And great to see the number of readers on the rise, even if its only increasing slowly.

take care and good night,
Jay

Shavuos and other things

Shavuos is coming nearer and nearer, that's why we count the sefirah.... some of you are thinking what the hell am i on about. Well the festival of shavuos/shavuot/pentecost is coming up, so i probably won't be posting for a few days. Google it if you want to know more about it (HGF thats for you!).

In other news, i'm kind of halfway there to having a #4, seeing that #3 (NYH) was such a disaster maybe it will make up for it. Or maybe not, maybe it will make me less likely to come out to people in the future. #4, like #3 is a guy i've been in contact with, who i have also told i'm not really JM. I don't know how he'll handle it, but i'm prepared for the worst, and hoping for the best. After him there isn't anyone else.

To all my jewish readers chag sameach,
j

NYH Poll

So readers, what would you do? Should i tell NYH that i've blogged about him? Maybe he'll come to the party or leave him be? Would you rather know if you were in his position?

You can post anonymously so there's no reason not to :)

thanks
j

NYH part 2

It all started when i added NYH's details to my gmail account. I didnt' know what would become of it, but i sent him a chat invite too. I was online and about to log off, when he messages me. Just regular chit chat, but who wanted to know who this other guy was that had been poking and messaging him. I was going to tell him, until he said something like 'i don't know him, i havent met him, nor do i want to'. I felt like i'd been hit by a ton of bricks. 'He keeps pestering me.... and i was non responsive'. I didn't know what to say. I had HGF in another window telling me to just tell him. But i couldn't, not after all that. He didn't want to know me. I guess its understandable, i was just some random guy, but after the run i had i thought i would be different.

But in the end i just came out with it.

me: lol,
maybe he's nervous
ok
do u rememeber our previous conversations?
nyh: yeah. i think so
me: remember how i wouldn't meet u at the _____?
nyh: yeah
me: and i think i told u i had a secret?
nyh: right.
me: ummm I told u i wasnt jay
nyh: yeah yeah
me: but i didn't tell u who i was
nyh: nope
me: well i just did
nyh: ha! busted!

Well i didn't end feeling like i was falling off a cliff. He didn't sound mad, or upset. He asked me a few questions, and we ended it there. I sent him a couple emails since then and havent heard back. All i was looking for was a friend, but I guess that's enough of a sign.

jay

And NYH makes 3!

I did it, i actually did it! I told NYH who i really was. It was the craziest thing i've done in a while. I've got to rush off, so i'll tell you all about it later, but i just needed to tell the world!

jay

Developments... and why i love my blog

Let's see what's news on the home front. I have revealed more info to NYH, but haven't heard from him in over 2 days. I was preparing myself for something good, a great friendship, but it looks like i've been stood up, well he doesn't look like he wants to know me. I guess things were going well everywhere that i just figured it would continue like that. I don't know whether to message him again, or just leave him be.

I was chatting with someone online the other day, and he asked if i lived anywhere near a particular city. I thought he was trying to find out more about me, so i asked him why he asked. He said he'd been in touch with a therapist that lives there and if i wanted he could set up an appointment with her. She is pro gay and religious. WTF?! Maybe i'm taking this the wrong way, but i thought that was so patronizing and really got defensive. I'm sure he meant well and thought i might want to chat to someone, but gimme a break! Does anyone else go up to gay people and offer them therapists? Anyone need a proctologist? I'm sure i could recommend someone.

Right now there are issues going on in my life and at home, besides being gay. I kind of depend on you, my readers. So my blog is my main outlet, and thats why i love it!

Smiles all round!!! :)

Well for once i can say i'm happy where the 'gay' part of my life is going. I posted some of my story in a gay jewish forum, and had a number of people contacting me saying either they were in a similar situation, or just wanted to chat. Slowly but surely more people will find out about my sexuality and i think i'm ok with that. At least getting to chat to people without revealing who i am is a big first step, and who knows where it could lead. But i think it may also lead to complacency. I think everything is going great, and start letting people know who i am. The more people that know, the less in control i am of how the information spreads. Of course everyone i tell has probably been in a similar situation to me at some point. In addition, we don't seem to have any connection in our real lives. I would hope that they would keep my secret, but what if they slip up, accidentally? What then? Am i ready to deal with the consequences? I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet, but being in contact with more people will bring me that one step closer. I know someone who had a similar thing happen to him. He was out to a selection of people. Someone asked if they could tell one friend of his about him being gay. He said fine, only the info didn't stop there, and he had no control over who was going to find out, that is something that scares me, and i going to be at the forefront of my mind whever i think about telling someone.

One person I know i want to tell lives in NY. He's just a random hot guy that i'd been chatting with on facebook. He wouldn't confirm me as a friend because we'd never met. So he wanted to meet up, of course i said no. Usual story, eventually i told him i wouldn't meet him because i had some secrets, something i couldn't share with him. He seemed ok with it, and told me whenever i felt alright sharing it with him, to let him know. He'd keep my secret identity. So this week i decided to poke him. He was going to be #3. Only i haven't heard back from him yet. I've played the whole thing out in my mind how this is going to go, but so far, nothing. Not a peep, not a poke, not a 'do i know you?'. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I will call this guy NYH (as in New York hottie!). I know i'm so boring coming up with these things but i'm not going to mention his name, nor put up a pic of him, even though i'd like to.

Ok, what else has been going on... the chats i have with my news friends see to be of a similar format. There's the whole religious aspect, that just because i'm gay, it doesn't meen i have to give up on being religious. Just because i do one sin, i can try to keep all the other commandments, that kind of stuff, but they also ask me questions about sex. Such as would i like to be a top or bottom. Which is quite a funny question coming from a religious person, where the previous paragraph was talking about religion or god or something like that. One thing that ties them all together is that everyone appears to want to wait till that special someone comes along. Not 'losing my virginity' because the opportunity arose.

It actually made me think alot. I had decided i wanted to hold out for HGF. He was someone i cared about, someone i loved, and someone who loved and cared about me. He knew I wanted him to be my first (don't even ask about his whole situation, being in a relationship and all that and how it will work), I told him I wanted it. It was via email and i gave him an easy way out, but he was interested too :) . My only question now is am i holding myself back waiting for him? Obviously there would be logistical issues being that we're in 2 different countries, but would i be doing myself a disservice by waiting for the opportunity to experience it with him? I hope not, but there's only one way to find out! I know this is what i want and i'm willing to take that chance, even if it means giving up other opportunities along the way.

Of course that brings me to another question. What after then? HGF will always be there, but as much as we love each other we won't have the kind of relationship i'm looking for. So what next? Do i hook up with some friends i've made? Or will that friendship just end badly? If i'm not looking for a relationship just yet, then what am i looking for? Just a fun time? A one-off hookup with a hot boy i danced with at a club (pure speculation, honest! lol), oh life can be so difficult!

And I think this post is long enough so that's a good enough wrap up,
ciao
J