Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I'm not gay, i'm just attracted to other guys. WTF?!

A while ago i'd been chatting with a guy. We'd been introduced by someone, who knew we were originally from the same place. So ok, i'm always looking for new friends, right? So we got into a discussion one day. Well it was a chat on msn. I won't say it got heated, but we have very different opinions on gay issues. For example gay marriage. He's against gay marriage, you can be partners, have a common union, whatever, just don't call it marriage.

There was something though that really irked me, and made no sense. At least to me. I've been wanting to blog about it for a while, I even made a poll to see what people thought. The easiest way would be just to post our chat or excerpts from it, remove his name and other identifying details and see what people thought. 77% of voters thought I should post it. I asked him and he preferred that I didn't, instead he wanted me to summarize what he wrote, so that's what i'll try to do.

His general point is that he's not gay. He's SSA - same sex atracted. Yeah i laughed at that. I thought it made no sense. I am gay, and i told him that. His response was that 'gays are very careful to adopt a gay identity, and if u told them the label didnt mean much, [they'd] bang u over the head with rainbow flag pole'.

Some other nuggets: today there are categories, gay lesbian bi and straight. In much the same way that there is male and female, but male and female are biological innate constructs, u know because u look for certain sexual organs and its written into the dna. Sexual feleings on the other hand are composed of: at its very root sexual and emotional **feelings**. the next step is to *act* on those feelings, whether one acts on them or not is a choice and so is the decision to *identify* as what one *feels/experiences*. Thats the thing there doesnt have to be a next step, theres no gay rule book that says after u "feel" and "do", u must "be".

Maybe this whole philosophical/biological crap is going way over my head, or maybe i'm just stupid. Either way, i don't buy this crap.

The fact is i'm gay. I don't look gay (do i?!), I don't walk around with rainbow flags, march in pride parades, but i can admit that i'm gay. I don't positively or negatively identify with the 'gay' label, but it was what i am. If you want to refuse to call yourself gay, well thats your problem, not mine.



tkob said...

SSA/Gay, who cares. It is my firm belief that when one actually comes out, they will become a part of the "Gay Community". Maybe not right away, but with time. This ultimately happens because the flags, the parades the rallies do actually serve a purpose.

When I got my first long term partner, things started to come up; what if I got sick and was in the hospital, which happened. Would he be allowed to stay with me, make decisions for me should I not be able to, etc. What about a joint bank account, whose name goes on the lease? Life insurance? Who gets the Residuals since both of us are entertainers. Who would all this go to?

These are everyday issues that MOST Gays face when in a relationship. Yes, it is true, when you are single and 'playing the field sowing your oats' it really doesn't matter. Or does it?

What if you were teaching at a Yeshiva and they 'FOUND OUT' about you? Would you be fired? Could they do that legally? Or in Shul, what if they refused you an Aliyah or to allow you to daven from the Omud when you had a Yahrzeit? Or worse, what if the Chabad House Rabbi escorted you to the door just before the reading of the Megillah and told you that you are no longer welcome in HIS Shul? What rights would you have?

ALL OF THE ABOVE has happened to ME in the last 3 years. Could it happen to you too?

The flags and the marches and the 'Pride' is there out of necessity. If LGBT people were treated just like straight people, it wouldn't be there. It exists to help us have the same rights as everyone else.

So don't let the label fool you. You are a part of a group, just like being Jewish and Frum.

Welcome to the Club!!!!

Anonymous said...


Jay said...

tkob, noone is saying he has to come out or anything. Yes issues will come up. All i'm saying is i don't get it. He's attracted to guys, but because he doesn't see himself as a flag waving pride marching guy, then he can't be gay.


Anonymous said...

Everyone makes sense of their life in different ways. I am gay but I don’t relate to “the scene” or the community as a whole therefore do not feel part of it and refer to myself as “non scene” that, of course helps me make sense of the “scene”.

We must be careful not to force our own view of the world or what we think is right and wrong on other people. If someone doesn’t feel they fit to a stereotype then so be it. Does it really matter? What matters to me is that people should be comfortable with them self and how they associate them self in their community and way of life.

But that is just my point of view.

dpaste said...

People use semantics to make themselves feel better. I'm not an addict, I have substance-abuse issues. I'm not a xenophobe, I'm a patriot.

Mr. SSA clearly cannot separate the stereotypes he was fed as a kid about what gays are, from what being gay really means. If you aren't a limp-wristed, lisping, nelly queen (and there is nothing wrong with that, btw) then you can't be gay just because the idea of sucking cock makes you drool. If you like sports and have a deep voice, then you can't be gay just because the idea of getting your ass plowed (or plowing an ass) makes you weak in the knees.

Mr. SSA just needs to get out more. In more ways than one.

Jay said...

i'm not trying to force my view on him, i just don't understand his view, no matter how many professors and researchers think it's valid.