Things hopefully never to be repeated in my lifetime #1

First and foremost it would be to have a repeat of tonight. I was horny, and I'm in israel, so I thought maybe i'd hookup with someone here. I had no idea how i'd do it. I searched for gay venues in tel aviv and jerusalem. I found a few places, but wasn't sure about it. I looked on facebook, man i've got some hot israeli friends! lol. And of course i mentioned it on my status. Someone comments to check out an israeli website. I registered, even paid for the month to get a full membership so it doesn't die on me like manhunt after a few profile views. Things started off slowly, i didn't think anything was gonna happen tonight.

I found a few guys i liked the look of. One i sent my facepic to and he wasn't interested. Yeah i know i can't expect everyone to be into me, but that hurt. Didn't think anything would happen and sort of made other plans for the night. Then i started getting messages from people. Quite a few people. One wanted me to send him my pic first. Since i'm not out i chose not to and asked him to send one first. He balked and that was that. There were two others, one sent me a pic, he looked alright, and was older than i was looking for. There was another guy who wanted a pic and I preferred to see if this went anywhere. Unfortunately he logged off before i sent my message. So it was just the other guy who had a chance. It was getting late enough that i'd miss the last train into Tel Aviv so i decided to go for it. I got his address, directions, and off i went.

I got to his place and called his cell. He came down to meet me. We went up to his apartment. Everything started off slowly. Things were ok, we were kissing on his bed and getting naked, and then somewhere in the middle suddenly i started to feel weird and completely not into it. I don't know what it was, i never saw a body pic so I don't know what I was expecting. I just didn't find him the least bit interesting. I didn't want to be there, and was regretting signing up for the website in the first place. Of course everyone will say i should've just gone, but i didn't. I stayed. I actually came pretty quickly thanks to a finger playing with my ass, and that should've been my way out. Leave damnit! But i stayed. It's not as if someone has never backed out of sex before, right?

I stayed until the time i had to leave to make the last train back. I got dressed and he walked me out. He told me he had my email address and to keep in touch. As i walked to the train I felt dirty. I smelled him on me and I was disgusted by it. I smelled my hands, i smelled my clothes and all i wanted was a shower to get rid of it all. I felt nauseous.

I don't know why I felt this way. And it must sound so retarded to you guys. It's not like I was a rape victim or anything, but I came home and had a long hot shower. I don't think i've had such a good clean in a long while. I just had to get that smell off. And then i blocked his profile from contacting me.

Now what do I do? Do i forget this ever happened and stay away from internet hookups? Do i just get more picky when it comes to hooking up? Do i stick to bars for meeting people where I can actually size the person up before choosing whether to go home with them? Do i go back on the site tomorrow, hoping for a good experience that may help me forget the bad? I just have no idea.

This is one post i'd definitely love to get people's thoughts on. Even if u haven't commented before, please do, and you can do so anonymously too :)

j

I'm not gay, i'm just attracted to other guys. WTF?!

A while ago i'd been chatting with a guy. We'd been introduced by someone, who knew we were originally from the same place. So ok, i'm always looking for new friends, right? So we got into a discussion one day. Well it was a chat on msn. I won't say it got heated, but we have very different opinions on gay issues. For example gay marriage. He's against gay marriage, you can be partners, have a common union, whatever, just don't call it marriage.

There was something though that really irked me, and made no sense. At least to me. I've been wanting to blog about it for a while, I even made a poll to see what people thought. The easiest way would be just to post our chat or excerpts from it, remove his name and other identifying details and see what people thought. 77% of voters thought I should post it. I asked him and he preferred that I didn't, instead he wanted me to summarize what he wrote, so that's what i'll try to do.

His general point is that he's not gay. He's SSA - same sex atracted. Yeah i laughed at that. I thought it made no sense. I am gay, and i told him that. His response was that 'gays are very careful to adopt a gay identity, and if u told them the label didnt mean much, [they'd] bang u over the head with rainbow flag pole'.

Some other nuggets: today there are categories, gay lesbian bi and straight. In much the same way that there is male and female, but male and female are biological innate constructs, u know because u look for certain sexual organs and its written into the dna. Sexual feleings on the other hand are composed of: at its very root sexual and emotional **feelings**. the next step is to *act* on those feelings, whether one acts on them or not is a choice and so is the decision to *identify* as what one *feels/experiences*. Thats the thing there doesnt have to be a next step, theres no gay rule book that says after u "feel" and "do", u must "be".

Maybe this whole philosophical/biological crap is going way over my head, or maybe i'm just stupid. Either way, i don't buy this crap.

The fact is i'm gay. I don't look gay (do i?!), I don't walk around with rainbow flags, march in pride parades, but i can admit that i'm gay. I don't positively or negatively identify with the 'gay' label, but it was what i am. If you want to refuse to call yourself gay, well thats your problem, not mine.

j

Thursday. The day i finally got my groove on

Last Thursday was the February JQY meeting. The topic of the month was the cybercloset, something I have so much to say on. Unfortunately something came up and I wasn't sure I was actually going to be able to make it. Well the thing didn't work out, meaning I could go. I was thrilled :) So I went. Some were new faces, and some were old, and I was already feeling comfortable around them which was good. It was a big turnout, after which we popped over to a bar across the road. It seems everyone got into their own groups again, just like last time. I guess it's just me. Oh well.

Anyway, I was at the bar getting my second drink when I was approached by 2 guys who had just walked in. Seeing all the jews there, one of them joked if the JCC was having a function there. Which was funny, cos it sort of was. I've used Mr X & Y so I'll call the one i liked Mr Z. Mr Z was in his 30s, trimmed beard (just the way i like it). His friend was also in his 30s and clean shaven. We were chatting about life, they had a lot of questions about the whole jewish gay thing, which i answered as best as I could. I assumed they were partners and we were just having a nice chat. Eventually I found out that they were just friends. Ok then, i wasn't letting this one get away like the one in the Glounge, lol. I had to be somewhere later that night, but i made sure I got his name and number.

Of course time passed by and I kept pushing off my departure, the JQY boys left and I was the only one of the group left. So we kept on drinking and I was totally flirting with him. Eventually another guy walked in and he was totally trying to chat up Mr Z's friend, which sort of allowed me to make some moves on Mr Z. I had my arm around him at times, at others we were holding hands and at others we were kissing. I was totally loving it. Of course i decided to cancel my plans to be somewhere that night, instead I wanted to hang out with my new friend. I sort of felt bad about ditching his friend, but he didn't mind, so I thought ok then. He didn't live too far so we walked to his place. On the way we chatted alot and it was really nice getting to know him.

We got to his place and he led me down to his lair, lol. I loved kissing him, the slight roughness of his beard was just hot! He had a somewhat hairy chest and a nice cock which tasted great. I won't go into too graphic detail, but i will say the sex was great :) And he enjoyed it too. I also learnt i'm quite a shooter ;) Afterwards he was hungry so we went out to a 24 hr diner where he got some food and we chatted some more until it was about 4.30am and i figured it was time to make my move.

Fast forward to Saturday I got a call from him asking if I was in the city. Well i planned to be, so maybe we could do something. It didn't work out in the end, but there's always a next time :)

j

Hey

I've got so much to write about but no time to write it. Check back in a couple of days :) You'll be glad you did!

j

Meeting david :)

My readers know i met David last week, so for those who are interested in reading it from David's perspective, take a look here .

Enjoy

j

Yesterday....

I wanted to talk about yesterday. Yesterday was a great day, maybe a bit surprising though. I had plans to go out with friends, which didn't pan out. So i went online. Facebook of course. I got chatting to 2 ppl. One in florida and one here in NYC. I'll call them Mr X and Mr Y. I first started flirting a bit with Mr X, as I do, lol. He asked why I didn't have a pic up, so I sent him a message from my real profile. He asked me a few questions and things continued like they were before.

Mr Y on the other hand we were chatting a bit last week. And then he said something like 'wanna go out for drinks and maybe some play?' I was thinking whoa... before we even think about doing anything I should show him who I really am, that would be the decent thing to do. Apparently i'm cute, but not his type, lol. And that was that. He was a really nice guy, and hot too! So last night, he was online, and we had a really nice long chat, long as in a good few hours long. I know there won't be any play between us, i'm not sure we'll ever meet up for those drinks. So even if nothing more comes of it, other than being fb buddies, i'm glad things worked out the way they did.

The reason I say it was suprising is because I'm so used to people ditching me after I show them who I really am. Suddenly Jay loses another guy from his friends list. I get it, some people take it hard when I tell them i'm not exactly who they think I am, but it's nice when they're ok with it all and things continue where we left off, other than the fact that they know my true identity.

j

Israel vs the world

I was asked to write about what's going on (well what was going on) in Israel and Gaza. Of course some people will say I'm biased. Maybe i am, but it's my blog and i'll write what I want. My mother always told me not to start up with boys bigger than me. Well in the middle east, the big boy finally decided he'd had enough and decided to fight back. And the little guy complained to the that he was being attacked.

Yeah thats a very simplified version of events. But it doesn't change the fact on the ground. You keep on firing rockets into Israel and eventually they'll decide they've had enough and fire back. Just because you have more casualties and and are supposedly the weaker side, doesn't make you right. Except when Israel is involved. No matter what Israel does or doesn't do, it's always considered the bully when it comes to world opinion. It just can't win in the public arena.

They wanted Israel to pull out of Gaza. Some said it'd just bring the war closer to Israeli cities with nothing to stop them. Others said it would finally bring peace. Israel withdrew, and got a war on their doorstep. Hamas 'won' the 'elections' and the rest is history.

Hamas is in control of Gaza. And they're firing rockets at Israel. They're a foreign government, and this is an act of war. The fact that their rockets may not be as technologically advanced as the Israeli's, or the fact that more Palestinians were killed than Israelis, in no way makes them right. Yes it's sad that there has been alot of casualties on the palestinian side. But did they expect anything different? They shoot rockets across the border, from residential areas. From mosques, schools, they store the rockets in their houses and apartment buildings.

The world wanted a proportional response. What constitutes a proportional response? Shooting thousands of rockets randomly into Gaza and wherever they land, thats where they land? Berlin was bombed by the RAF in WWII. Was that a proportional response? What about Nagasaki and Hiroshima? Was that a proportional response? No it wasn't. If it hadn't have been done, would the allies have won? Who knows. It's a war, and in times of war you either win or lose. There is no let's see they sent 4 rockets into our territory, so we should send 4 back. Or they killed one of ours so we can only kill one of theirs. War is about trying to stop you enemy with whatever you have, so they either surrender, and or they die trying to kill you.

Yet Israel tried to do what they could to protect lives. They went in on the ground, putting their own soldiers at risk, rather than an all out air assault. They called houses to give them warning that they were being targeted. It's more warning than Israelis got. 15 seconds from the time you hear the air raid siren to get yourself some cover. If you're in the wrong place at the wrong time, you die. It's something Israeli people have lived with their entire lives. Apartment buildings and homes are built with bomb shelters. Kids learn what to do when they hear an air raid siren. They know how to put on a gas mask. It's something they have to live as part of their daily lives. Will they live another day? Will they die in a bus bombing, or a restaurant bombing. I know people that have been killed, that were in cafes or near restaurants that were blown up. How would you feel if you saw someone you knew on the front page of the newspaper covered in blood, running for their lives, knowing that their decision to sit at the back of the cafe rather than at the front actually saved their lives? But they live with it. If you thought about what may happen to you then you'd never leave your house. It's just another thing that they have to deal with. Extra security when going into a building or school, metal detectors, bag searches, it's life.

The Palestinians wanted Israel out of Gaza, and they got it. They voted Hamas as government there, and they got a war between Hamas and Fatah, as well as with Israel. They made their bed, and it's about time they lie in it, rather than blaming Israel for all their problems.

I want to leave you with a quote. It is attributed to Golda Meir, who was Israel's 4th Prime Minister from 1969-1974 - "Peace will come when the Arabs love their children more than they hate the Jews".

J

My weekend with Milk

Saturday night arrived… what to do! Well I could go to G lounge, on the long shot that the guy I saw the previous week would be there again. And who would I go with? So I called up a friend, he’d never been to a place like this before, and I didn’t want to push him to come with me in case he wasn’t ok with it. I mentioned that I was considering going, and he said maybe he could come. I let him think it over and in the end he joined me. We walked in and went straight to the bar and got our first drink.

Eventually we found a place to sit, sort of by the window, away from most of the crowd. I couldn’t really scout the crowd but the guy probably wasn’t there anyway. We were there, drinking and chatting. Then a guy came over who was sitting nearby. Are you orthodox? He asked. I said yeah. Are you gay? He asked. I said yeah. He asked a few more questions, then went back to the guy he was there with to tell all, lol. Eventually we moved over to them because of course they had more questions. It was a really interesting conversation. But eventually they left, and after another drink or 2 we left too, going our separate ways.

For Sunday I had some things planned. While everyone was busy superbowl partying, I was going to meet David for dinner. I got to the place and looked in the window. Yep he was there already. Of course I was nervous from the get go, not that there was any reason to be. He was a really nice friendly guy. Of course I’d spoken to him quite bit over the past few months, but meeting is always different. We had a nice meal, with the superbowl going on in the background, lol. After the meal the superbowl was still on, so where better than to watch the ending but in Gym sports bar in Chelsea. We took the subway, and the place was absolutely packed with hot/cute guys, lol. It was great that we made our way through to the back. He went to get us some beers so it was just me, all alone. I felt a bit weird, a few people looking at me, but all was good. We had a really nice time, a great game ending, and there was this one guy in a group in front of us with longish blond hair, wearing a white Henley, oh he was so cute :). We caught each other’s eyes a few times and we both smiled. Eventually he introduced himself and his friends which was nice. Of course post game was the perfect opportunity for him and his bf to start kissing. Well he’s taken then, lol.

After the game we said our goodbyes. I stuck around roaming the streets of Chelsea because I had some phone calls to make. I considered going into the G lounge, but I decided I didn’t need to be there EVERY night, so I walked right past it, had a bit of a look in. Just roaming the streets there walking past all the hot guys is so much fun. I should do it more often! I had a really fun time with David and I hope we can do it again sometime. Of course there was a cute guy on the subway home :).

Now we’re up to Monday. I was out, but I’d been thinking of going to see Milk with a friend. Of course he’d been wanting to see it for a while, but we decided we’d see it together. I’d had to cancel on him a few times, but this was it. We made it to a late night showing with only a few other people in the theater. It was a really good movie, which of course seeing that I was the last gay person to see it should’ve said something to me. The movie really hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. Ok so I didn’t know Harvey gets killed. I need to go over my gay rights history on Wikipedia, lol. But on the way home I actually started to seriously think about what things would be like for me if I came out. How my family would react. What my parents would do. What my friends would think. Who would I tell first. Who should I tell first? When would I do it? There were so many questions and I played them through in my head numerous times. Whatever it is, it’s not gonna be easy, but things are now starting to get serious. I’m not jumping the gun, but I can see the end of the tunnel. I hope there’s some light there.

Jay

Jay is a little freaked out right now...

So last week that is what my status said. I was a little freaked out. So here is what the story is about.

There’s this guy. He’s been reading my blog and we’ve had minimal contact. Anyway, I got a message from him on facebook. He informed me that he was coming to NYC on his way somewhere and would be spending the night in a fancy hotel (I’m not going to say which one or where he’s from because that isn’t important). He wanted to have dinner with me at the hotel, hang out with me at the hotel bar, and spend the night with me. He proceeds to tell me he’d add my name to his hotel reservation and forward it to me, which he did. Now I’m sort of thinking WTF is going on?! I don’t know who this guy is, he has no real pics up and his fb name isn’t his real name, so it’s a fake profile like mine. He doesn’t know who I am either.

Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s the gay world we live in. Do guys hook up with random people just because they have some money to splash around? At least on craigslist or manhunt you might have an idea of who the guy is. Stats, a pic, something. Here I had a first name and that was it. In addition, he invited a blogger friend of mine to dinner too. I have no idea why, and I asked him why he invited the other guy in the first place? Was it so I’d feel more comfortable? His response was something like ‘thanks for the suggestion – I hadn’t thought of inviting him up to our suite, but if you want to….’

This was just getting worse and worse. I didn’t think I wanted to meet him at all now, it was all too creepy. Whatever happened to I’d like to get to know you? Whatever happened to I’d like to meet you someday? Is it a given that since I’m gay I will sleep with anyone and everyone who offers it to me on a silver platter?

Yes I hooked up with a guy I met on facebook, and I blogged about it, but I’m not that easy! We both knew who the other guy was and we’d been chatting a lot for a good few months before we got the idea to meet up. This guy I had no clues about. Other than he had decided he wanted to wine me, dine me and sleep with me. What the fuck is wrong with this world?!

BTW, he did send me pics eventually, but it was too little, too late. I found the whole thing creepy and don’t plan on meeting up with him for anything.