Matchmake, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find, catch me a catch

Dating can be great, but i hate it. Here's some insight to what its like. On the religious scene, there are different methods of dating, depending on your [family's] level of observance. There are those who date like people in the rest of the world. You see a girl, ask her out, get her number, and then you date. On the other side of the spectrum you have the very religious families. A suggestion might be made for you and you meet the girl in the parents home or talk on the phone. Before you know it, you're married with 12 kids under the age of 10 running around.

Of course there is a middle path, which is where i fall. People will call me or my parents and say i've got a great girl for you. She's tall and beautiful and smart and outgoing and this and that. Here's some of her friends and references if you want to call to find out more about her. Someone makes some calls, sounds great, maybe even get a pic of the girl. Decide to date, speak to the girl, pick her up or meet in the city, have a blast, date for a while, maybe fall in love, if she's the one, get engaged, married, live happily ever after.

Well thats how things are supposed to work. But if you're gay then what the hell are you supposed to do? You can't not date at all, because that will only raise suspicions. But i can't say i've ever had a very good date in a while. They're often nerve wracking, and after each girl i have to come up with a reason why i don't want to continue dating this girl. She's ugly (i never said i want a supermodel, but there's a limit), she's stupid (i am pretty smart so i would want someone i can have an intelligent conversation with), she's too quiet (i did all the talking), she's immature (thats why i prefer the older girls to the younger ones). The point is i have to keep up appearances, which when you get to a ripe old age of 26, is not only hard to do, but you're already considered almost over the hill.

I guess i can say i've had it easy in that every girl i've dated, i've always managed to find a reason why i didn't like that girl. But what happens if i had dated a girl that ticked most of the boxes? It would've been hell deciding what to do. Do i hope i can continue with it, and keep my homosexuality a secret? Or do i dump her and come out eventually? Getting married would be so much easier, yet so much harder as well. The pressure to settle down with a girl and live a regular life would be gone, but what about the added pressure of getting married to someone i don't love? Supposedly spending a lifetime together, with someone i can't have a loving relationship with. And then there's the sex. Could i even do it? Would the marriage be over in the first week? Would we both be 'damaged goods?' The what-ifs are mind boggling.

Life will be hell if i do, and hell if i don't. And there isn't a third option.

Jay