Sunday, March 30, 2008

Being gay and what it means to me

If you surf long enough reading gay blogs you're bound to come across a bunch of bloggers who say something to the extent of 'I'm gay, i'm proud to be gay, it's part of who i am, and part of my identity and i wouldn't change anything even if i could'. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there like that.

I fall on the other side of the coin. I hate being gay. I hate needing to live a secret life. I hate what being gay has done to my life. It has caused so much stress over the past 13 odd years and it just gets worse. There were times when i thought about suicide. Not that i made plans to off myself (i'm too much of a wuss for that), its just that death would've been so much easier than life. Well maybe for me, but for everyone around me it would've been hell. I couldn't do it to my family. I couldn't do it to my friends. I just couldn't do it.

So to conclude. Being gay means being a minority, being discriminated against, being too scared to tell people who i really am, harboring so many secrets with noone to tell. Being gay means living through hell, one day at a time.


jay said...

I think most of the guys who are currently in their proud to be gay mode went through the whole "i hate being gay" phase.

Yes being gay is stressful, yes being gay means that you're a minority and yes, some ppl will dislike you.

It's also something that you cannot change, so the best you or any other gay guy out there can do is accept it even if it doesn't make you happy.

I'm still not out to my parents but most of my close friends do know. While I cannot choose my parents or their reaction, I can choose friends who will be cool with it.

In 2008, things are very different than even a few years ago, especially in a city like NYC.

Anonymous said...

Being gay is just part of your life Jay, it's not everything! Take a look at what else is there and around you, you have so much - I know you do!

I'm not discounting how hard it is, but it's not everything.

Jay said...

To Jay #1, in NYC things might be different, but i'm not really from NYC.

Unknown said...

Wow this is one of the saddest blog posts I've read in a long while, man.

You shouldn't hate who or what you are -- specifically when it's something you can't change, nor should you.

I'll read back on your posts before going on here, but hang in there buddy.

Anonymous said...

I was reading and thought you were in NYC also and was wondering why it was so difficult for you to come out. Ok, so wherever you are is important. If you go to any larger city or college you can do whatever you want and nobody around you will really have a problem with it. Things are so much better now than they used to be! :)

Jay said...

While you do have a point zach, even then its not easy. One day i'll take that step. Until then....

DavisMcDavis said...

You won't feel that way once you come out of the closet.

Anonymous said...

The sad reality is that once you come out, you're forever marked, an object of scorn, derision, blemished.

If being an activist is more important than being part of a kehillah, david wins, but as you've hinted, the slippery slide, a slippery slope it is. It's impossible to be part of an Orthodox community and out.

If that's the price, is abandoning Torah worth the cost? "El panav ashalem lo" is the problem, "panim el panim."

Jay said...

Wow someone's been going through the archives :) .

I must say one thing to you anonymous. I don't see my future coming out as me being an activist and championing gay rights or whatever. Me coming out enables me to live my life the way god made me without having to lie day in, day out to those around me.


Anonymous said...

jqy allows some to play camp to the hilt. This is what being gay means to them, acting femme, flamboyant, in your face, over the top.

Others face the reality that they're only really turned on by other men. Some cheat; others, are too honest to do that and unwilling, as you say, to live life sexually deprived.

What's the Jewish way? To go to another city, do the dirty and come home. But, you've already bought in to some of the gay lifestyle, the dance of being gay, as it were.

So, you have to be honest with yourself, too. Are you really as macho as your friends or a wuss? Do you want to move away from your family? They won't be so forgiving, I'm afraid. You'll be subjected to ridicule. That's the way minorities are abused. The alternative is finding a "husband," en route to City Hall in Greenwich, CT and going your own way together happily ever after.

I, for one, couldn't do that. You might have to look for a "wife" in S.F. or L.A.

the archives sneak

Jay said...

If you think the only option is to live a secret double life, well that's your choice. It's not going to be mine.