Thus ends the fun and games

I know i already blogged twice this week, but I've been having withdrawal symptoms and this post just needed to be written. So i'll start with PhD. I liked him, i thought he was funny and sweet, and smart, and the fact that he was hot didn't hurt. We had an interesting kind of friendship. We were very open with each other, very flirty, i loved chatting with him online. Once I thought i'd gone too far and the response was basically not to worry about it. If I was myself, he could be himself. Suffice to say I had a crush on this guy. Don't get me wrong, I never thought anything would happen between us, I just thought we'd be good friends. Spending the weekend with him was great but i think i went way too far with my games and flirting and such and started to feel bad about it. Obviously it was because I had this crush on him (i think). So at some point during the week I was in Manhattan so i texted him if i could see him to chat.

My problem is i'm kind of a shy person, and being the closeted gay guy that I am I'm used to keeping my feelings and emotions to myself. Anyone I ever had a crush on never had the faintest clue. And here was someone I could actually tell. I had everything planned out, what I was going to say, but actually getting the words out was like pulling teeth. A few times I wondered why I had even bothered to come to tell him. It would just make things awkward between us. But I was here and I needed to let it out. I get comments from people that love the way I write. I have a decent english education and seem to have a knack for writing and writing and writing. Even writing about this stuff is easy. But put me in front of a person and ask me to talk about my feelings and i turn into a blubbering mess.

Ok so it didn't happen that badly and eventually I got it out. Yes I had a crush on him. It's probably why I went way overboard and i was sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable. I told him I knew that there was nothing going to happen between us, but I hoped we could stay friends and things wouldn't become awkward between us. He seemed cool with that and we hugged and I left, feeling alot better afterwards.

Of course things don't always turn out the way one hopes. Now things kind of feel strained between us. I'd see him on fb chat and say hi, but things just aren't the same. Now I don't even bother to say hi. Everything just feels different. I'm not really in the mood to go into specifics right now, but I feel like I just lost what could've been a good friend. I'm surprised he hasn't actually unfriended me on facebook. Jay, next time keep your fucking mouth shut!

As a side note speaking of being unfriended on facebook. It happens, nothing really can be done about it. I don't care, well usually I don't care because I don't even notice. There is this one guy who I noticed just unfriended me (from both my real and fake profiles). We weren't good friends or anything. But he was a nice guy and we used to chat every now and then and he'd even suggested meeting me in person sometime soon, which I was excited about. And then he unfriended me. It sucks I tell you.

Ok onto the next person I wanted to talk about. The guy I met Thursday night. Yeah the guy I kissed. I barely know him, and I don't know why i'm so mad about this but I am. He texted me from LA on Friday night and I replied. I thought should I text him to see how he is or wait for him to contact me again? I weighed up the options and decided on Sunday to see how his weekend is going so I sent him a text. Only I didn't get a response. Oh well, things happen. He'd said he'd be back in NYC midweek, so i guess that could be Wednesday, or possibly even Tuesday or Thursday. In his texts to me he seemed quite keen. Keen for what, i'm not quite sure. By Wednesday I was going crazy. Maybe it's just me but if I text someone I do expect a response. Isn't that the normal thing to do? I wonder if i'll actually hear from him again.

Of course there was this other guy from Saturday. I got his number but thats about it. We'll just be friends it seems, if that.

Sometimes I wonder if i expect too much from people. Is finding someone to date that you click with supposed to be all awkward and fucked up? Or am I just looking in all the wrong places?

j