Why does sex have to be so complicated?!

I should preface this post by stating that contrary to popular belief, i'm no ho. Do I have sex with random people? Yes I do. But I don't go around looking for sex, i'm just as interested, if not more interested in just finding friends to hang with, and if something happens, well then it happens.

I have a love/hate relationship with random sex. Random sex is exactly what it sounds like, sex with some random person. It doesn't really matter where you meet them, it's usually fun and satisfying. Of course there are times where things don't quite go according to 'plan'. If I'm going to have sex with someone, i usually make it pretty clear that i'm not looking for a relationship. My online profile even says so. I met up with 1 guy a while weeks ago and he seemed like a regular guy, but he was just too much for me. Very submissive, and just not my type. I went home and he just wouldn't give up. For the next week at least he would send me texts, he would phone me and leave me voice mails, he would message me on facebook. Even after I told him to delete my number from his phone and he said he would, he still didn't let up. Thank god he was the only person that I had a negative experience with... so far.


But there are other ways things can be fine, but then not work out the way I want. Like one of the guys I met up with last week. Don't get me wrong, he was a real nice guy, very passionate, we had lots of fun. Besides the fact that his profile said he was 7 years younger than he actually was (and to be honest had I known he was that much older I probably wouldn't have given him a second glance), all night he was telling me how amazing and perfect I was. And then after I left his place he sent me a text message which read in part "What can I say? Wow. Thank you for an awesome night. Been a long time since I enjoyed myself that much. Let me take you to dinner sometime?...." Ok hold on for a sec. He wants to take me to dinner. Does that constitute a date?

I'm all for a friend with benefits, or fuck buddy as some call them. But where does it end? I'd be up for having another romp in the sack (and we're already planning it lol) but I'm slightly concerned about what he's thinking. Is he thinking this guy is into me maybe we can takes thing to the next level? Do I just give off the wrong vibe? I'm not an asshole, I'm sweet and maybe a little shy. Does that mean that since I don't say clearly no this is NOT what I want, they just assume that things are going well and and want to see where things go? If he just wants a round 2, then why complicate things with dinner?

As much fun as it is, that's all it is. You can have as much sex as you want, but the more you do, the more you realise something is missing in your life. I'm not against dating and relationships, far from it. Just not with these guys. I know what I want, I know the kind of guy I want, in fact I have someone in mind and I'm hoping to see him soon. Not sure how easy it will be to make a go of things, being that we live in different cities, but i'd like to see how things can be worked out, if that's even possible. Maybe not now, but at some point. One thing I do know is that I like him, and I miss him, and I can't wait to see him again :)
J

Being Gay In The Orthodox World

I know a post about part 2 of my coming out is due, but this is news and thought it should be blogged about. I'm sure lots people who read this blog either attended the event at Yeshiva University, or have already read about it. But this is for everyone else. Kol hakavod to the panelists, it really took alot of guts to get up there and say what you did.


Being Gay In The Orthodox World: A Conversation with Members of the YU Community, was hosted by the YU Tolerance Club and Wurzweiler School of Social Work. Of course I wasn't in New York but had I been, I would've liked to have been there. I'm not really going to talk much about it. I just thought I'd put this out there, and see what everyone else thinks.

Here's a link to the transcript found on another blog The Curious Jew.

Alot can be lost in a written transcript, so here are some links to videos taken of the event - click here.

Finally here are some links to the media attention it received.

The Jerusalem Post

The Jewish Star

The YU Commentator

Now it's all out there, this is only the beginning, i can assure you. I'd love to know what my readers think of the whole thing.

J

Coming Out Part 1

I know there's no way i can possibly do this post justice, it's been a good few weeks and there's just so much that has happened it's going to be a struggle to try to remember all of it, but i'll give it my best.

Where do i even begin?! I never planned it this way, but it happened. You all know about the things that were going on behind the scenes and the fact that I knew all about them. It seemed that they were just trying to come up with a way to approach me about it, or at least hope that I would finally just tell them. My mother started asking questions and essentially gave me a 24 hour deadline to give her some answers. Yeah thanks mum. I started things rolling by having a chat to my sister and sending regards from a friend of mine that she'd called after going thru my mobile phone bill. Yeah that's right, i knew all about it!

Later that day i just thought fuck it, and spilled the beans to my mum. Obviously while she knew already she didn't really understand what it meant. How did I know? Had something happened to me? Some of her major concerns were:
did I want to change? (clearly she'd been in touch with my siblings about this);
she was worried about me getting AIDS since obviously i'd have multiple partners; she was concerned about me not having kids and 'continuity', whatever the hell that meant;
she was also concerned about me mixing with non jewish gay people. I do want to make some gay friends around here, whats the difference if they're jewish or not?!
But don't I want kids? Isn't that enough reason to see if you can try and change? She also made mention of someone calling me from the US but when she answered the phone they gave a name and hung up on her.


Later that night, we ended up having a family meeting. My siblings were brought up to speed by my mother, and it turned into a huge discussion. The who, what, how, why and when. They admitted to going through my phone bill, seeing who I've been calling, but said it only began because it was noticed i'd used my phone on shabbat (like that's an excuse?!?)

My father barely said a word, except for forbidding me from contacting this gay non-jewish friend i'd made. As if i'd break off contact because he decided so. Gimme a break! Things certainly got heated, good thing there were others there to calm him down, because there was no way I was backing down!

Obviously they got all emotional, because I explained to them I couldn't/wouldn't stay religious, and obviously would leave the community at some point. Things sort of improved from there, I was told that they'd accept me, and they wanted me to stay because no-one was throwing me out.

They mentioned therapy and getting help to change but I wasn't interested. I gave my whole spiel about that kind of stuff, and obviously they weren't prepared for me to be so against it, but I know more about it than they do. I've done my research, I know people who have gone through it, and it's something that I don't believe can really work, nor do I think the possible negative reactions to it are worth it.

I thought things went ok and later that night I spoke to my mum, and I honestly can't remember the last time we'd had such an honest and open talk. It was really great and she seemed to be ok with things, even though she didn't quite 'get it'.

So much more to be revealed in part 2! The highs, the lows, and the real crazy stuff!

I came out today to my family

Well that's the latest news. I wasn't sure I was going to do it today. But I did. I've got so much to write about it, how it went down, who I told, things that were revealed, and the family discussions that occurred post coming out. Right now I'm too tired to make a whole post out it, so i'll leave it at that and say stay tuned!
j

Don't cry for me Argentina... the truth is I never left you

Well i think it's time I came back to this post and finished it off, since I started it over 2 months ago! I hope I can remember what I got up to. Well, i definitely remember the fun parts ;)

You probably should know by now that I was in South America back in August. Being in the US on a tourist visa means I can stay for 6 months, so when that time comes up I have to leave. I didn't want to go home and I didn't think it would be that easy for me to leave back to NY if I did. I could've gone to Europe but I'd been to quite a few places in Europe and wanted to try something different. South America was one place i'd never been to, but being in NYC it's probably as close as i'm going to get to it, so why the hell not?!

I have some family in Argentina so I spent some time with them, but alot of the time I did my own thing. I also had a friend from NY in Argentina. Well he wasn't exactly a friend, I knew who he was but we had some friends in common who suggested we connect. And connect we did :) I only had a week there so I tried to make the most of it. Things were fairly cheap (coming from New York with US dollars). Food, transport, Museums. Lots of things to do there.


I began by taking a free walking tour of the city. It was great to get an overview of the city as well as its history from a local. It was a few hours long and met a wide variety of people. A retired couple from California, people from all over Europe and even an Australian. We saw the main sights like the Congresso, we walked along Avenida de Mayo and came across a protest - whats new. Another day, another protest.

I checked out cool areas like Palermo Soho, the botanical gardens and the Evita Museum. There is a kosher McDonalds there, i think I was there almost every day for lunch! The subway is soooo cheap! Less than 30c US a ride, and cabs are cheap too, but I did alot of walking because thats the best way to see the sights. I walked through Recoleta, I cruised along Avenida Santa Fe, saw lots of embassies, the jockey club, and even got kicked out of the Sofitel hotel because I wasn't a paying guest. I mean really?! All I was doing is sitting on a couch!

Now here comes the fun part. I googled gay nightlife to see what the clubs were like and where they were. I wasn't sure if I'd go but it was an idea. But things start reeeeeeealy late over there. People aren't eating dinner till about 10pm, no-one goes out clubbing till 12, or even more likely 1am. So I met up with my friend P. We started off at someone's house for drinks. I met a bunch of his friends, they were all doing some kind of study in Argentina and they were from all over the world. Eventually it was time to hit the club. It was called Club 69 and had a drag show as part of the entertainment. We all got in and it was packed! Had to stick to basic drinks because these people just didn't know more than that. First time ever having a screwdriver with freshly squeezed OJ. Nothing better!

I got hit on by a bunch of girls. There was a guy that was eyeing me on the dancefloor but I wasn't interested. I had my eye on someone else actually but he was hanging with another guy. But I stuck around anyway. Eventually when his friend went off I made my move, and his friend returned only to find us making out, well he wasn't impressed. But my boy kicked his venezuelan ass away and we continued what we were doing. He was Australian and cute! Funny thing happened though, the boy that had shown interest in me earlier went up to this guy and whispered something in his ear. I asked my aussie friend what the guy had said. His answer? That he'd made the right choice! :) We literally spent a couple hours just standing there on the side making out. Too bad neither of us had a place to go back to. We were both tourists in a foreign country. By the time we called it a night and I got back home it was 6am. A fun night as always :)


Ok what else did I see in Argentina... back to the regular touristy things. checked out the Obelisk, went out to eat a number of times. I checked out the San Telmo markets, Recoleta cemetary where Evita is buried, La Boca stadium and the camanito area. I also went out with P again, this time to dinner at a kosher place called Mama Jacinta. I was a bit concerned because what if it turned out to be lousy, i'd never eaten there. And he brought a bunch of his international friends along. It actually turned out really nicely. The food was great, as was the company.

Of course I can't forget churros. They're sort of like a long doughnut, and often served with hot chocolate. My guidebook recommended La Giralda as the best place to have them in BA. They were absolutely divine! And of course I couldn't leave without getting a shoe shine from a street vendor.


All in all it was an amazing trip, and I hope to make it back someday and do all the things i missed out on. And of course practice my spanish!
Jay

Prayers for Bobby

Back when I was in New York I saw a movie called Prayers for Bobby. It was a made for TV movie, and premiered on Lifetime early in the year. It just goes to show how much TV i watch because not only didn't I know about it, but I didn't even know we had Logo! What kind of gay man am I?! So I downloaded the movie and watched it at home.


What can I say but if you ever want to watch a movie and have a good cry, this is one to watch! I highly recommend it. In short it's about a gay teenager whose mother (played by Sigourney Weaver) refuses to accept that she has a gay son. She believes god can cure him of what she considers his 'sin' and persuades Bobby to pray harder and seek solace in church activities in hopes of changing him. He ends up becoming withdrawn and depressed. He moves away, finds a boyfriend, but eventually his depression and self loathing intensify and is driven to suicide.

Faced with the tragedy, she begins to question herself, and her beliefs, joins PFLAG and eventually becomes an advocate for gay rights. It's a powerful film and make sure you have a box of tissues with you.



I can see some similarities between his life and my own. While mine won't end up like his did (i hope), but the same religious sentiment will be there. Just pray more, want it more, and you can be cured. Well it doesn't quite work that way.

J

Hi. My name is Jay. And I'm a gay porn distributor

I don't even know how to begin this post, or what to call it. I'm completely lost for words. As everything I thought I knew crashes down beside me, I'm lost. I know whats coming, and I know how to handle it. Well I convince myself I can handle it. But i'm not so sure. The pressure is building up and I just don't know how much more I can take of it. As I sit here typing this, I think of all my friends. My support group. I need someone, and every person that knows what i'm going through, is at the other end of the world. Oh my god, i cannot believe I'm sitting here crying as I type this.


For once I want to be selfish. I want to care about what i'm going through, and ignore everything that they're going through. Yes they found out their son and brother is gay. Deal with it. Ok I need a break to compose myself... Actually I think i'm going to call it a night.

Well good morning. I'm going to try this again and I think I should start from the beginning. I have access to some of my family member's email accounts (one benefit of having set up some of the accounts myself). I'm not one to invade other people's privacy, usually. But once I received an email from my mother that was addressed to my sister about my 'drug use'. Obviously she'd emailed it to me by mistake. I got that email and thought 'what?!?' What are these people on about?! I knew I had to dig deeper and find out. If they thought I was on drugs, what else were they talking about me? I did approach my sister about the email but she said she had been joking and my mother had taken it seriously. Ever since then I had occasionally logged in to see what was being discussed about me, besides my drug use ;) . Ever since I'd come out to my sister however, things had taken a turn. I felt I needed to keep closer tabs on conversations about me. Especially since I had entrusted to her some information that I did not want shared around. I told her she could tell her husband, but that was about it.


I'd log in, do a search of my name, and a search of the word gay, and see what came up. Yesterday however I saw something that worried me. There was an email thread between her and one of my brothers. It was titled 'do you know ______?'. The name was one of my gay friends in New York. This could not be good news. I quickly forwarded it to myself and removed all traces that I'd done that. I then sat down to read from the bottom. What I saw scared the shit out of me.

It had been noticed that I had been using my cellphone on shabbat, the sabbath. But then again I hadn't been keeping the sabbath properly for a while. Only they didn't know that. The number was googled and traced back to this friend of mine. So now what? There were other numbers too. Google turned up nothing. What is there to do but to call them? But who would call them? They decided they needed access to my cellphone. It was then that I decided my cellphone would not be leaving my side. Ever. Bathroom? Shower? Forever with me. Then more news came up. One of the numbers was traced back to someone at a gay sports club. That was not good at all. They decided that they needed to have a GPS tracker installed in my car or I needed to be followed one night when I went out. How they would do it without me recognizing the car, they didn't know. So much for me having a fun night out every now and then.


What about this one number that I was in touch with alot? And when I say alot, I mean ALOT! I'm a big texter, plus i'd called him a number of times. He was a good friend. And yes he was gay. There was actually a discussion on who would be better to call him. My brother or my sister. My sister said she didn't mind calling, but she thought if it's a girl calling my friend might be cautious, but if it's a guy calling, my friend would be open. My brother replied 'but gay guys also have girlfriends!' Seriously this was getting crazier and funnier the further I read.

They decided that she'd call, blocking her number and say I got a missed call from you or something like that. She called him, and he actually gave her his name. She said "btw he was really nice and sounds gay :( " My brother found his facebook profile pic and decided he looked gay. Seriously these people were crazy! And hello, can you say invasion of privacy? It's bad enough that they're looking into me, but investigating my friends? That was just not on!

There was some discussion about me not knowing what they were up to and how crazy it was. Well I'm one step ahead of you people! Both of them had mutual facebook friends with this guy, and my brother decided he'd ask some people about him. Oy! I hated the fact that he was getting dragged into this. Not that he can't take care of himself, but it's bad enough that it's happening to me, but my friends too?

The next one was the funniest of the lot. My mother believed I had become a porn distributor. Seriously i'm just lost for words. What the hell?! I mean seriously? Are you crazy?! The question was really how far was I involved with this guy? The answer was pretty simple. I'm not. We're friends. That's it. Good friends, yeah. But just friends.

The detectives then set out to do more work, they needed to access my phone, or my email and facebook account. Good luck with that! But they actually did research on him. I'd called his work so they called his work too, and asked someone about him. My sister then realizes she's met him before. Haha, she remembers he's a nice guy. Well I could've told her that if she'd asked! They wondered why I was mixing with non-jewish gays and not just jewish gays. And was I sleeping with people. Yeah, none of their business really.

Anyway things then got more serious. They'd pretty much confirmed that yes I was gay. They then looked for solutions. One of which was Jonah - Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality. A jewish organization that recommends reparative therapy. While I didn't have any personal experience with them, I'd heard first hand accounts from alot of my friends who had gone through it. Some things troubled me, well alot of things troubled me. They claimed to my sister to have an 85% success rate. Yet for the head of the organization have a child who was living as an out gay man, just didn't sit right. Or a book that he wrote and mentioned one of his success stories, who funnily enough is living as a gay man. Some success stories those are about them being able to cure homosexuality. He name dropped a couple of respected rabbis that know of his organization and their work. I was a bit concerned about this because of course there were rabbis who didn't have a clue what they were talking about. But they hear of this organization that can supposedly cure homosexuality so they recommend them.


My sister called one of them, he didn't know of their organization or their work. Some reference he turned out to be. The other i've heard from friends has a negative opinion of reparative therapy too. So that might be something in my favor. One thing they did not do is contact a rabbi who has written a book about Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality. At least he would have done his research and know what he was talking about.

One good thing I did find was that they were aware of the dangers of reparative therapy. It could lead to depression, requiring drugs to keep me 'normal' or suicide. In fact, The American Psychological Association adopted a resolution earlier this year stating that mental health professionals should avoid telling clients that they can change their sexual orientation through therapy or other treatments. I'd much rather believe medical professionals than some clueless rabbis or an organization that make their money off this kind of thing.

One thing is clear, my whole family knows. When my parents decide to leave the house together for a couple hours and don't tell me where they're going, thats just weird. More funny stuff appeared such as my father wanting to hire an investigator. Is that really necessary? You know i'm gay already, get over it! My mother visits my aunt to make calls about it from her house panicking. My mom blames my brother for not picking up on it. My sister says my parents should've picked up on it while I was living at home.

Seriously I'm not sorry one bit for putting them through this. They deserve it. They've been discussing points that need to be told to me, such as I have to want to change. And gays are known to have aids and always sleep around. And no one stays with their partner long because they feel they're always missing something. Hey we may be promiscuous sometimes, but really? I almost laughed while reading this.

While reading all this I was totally freaking out. I'd put up alot of barriers around me and they were all crashing down. To find out in one swoop that they all knew, that was alot to handle. I left the house, made up an excuse that I had some errands to do. I started calling people. My friend that they'd already called, my friends that they were planning on calling. Whoever they were planning to call I told if someone calls, play hardball with them. Be a real bastard if you want.

I know they'll push me into some sort of therapy. I don't need therapy. I'm 100% fine, I'm happier now than i've ever been in my life. I know where i'm going, I know what I want out of life. And I know how to achieve that. If they want to set me up to talk to someone, i have no problem talking to someone. If it'd make them realise that I'm gay and won't change, that is. But reparative therapy?. I won't put myself into a situation that is a danger to my life. In a place where it's quite possible i'll end up depressed and/or suicidal. I'd rather be happy and gay than miserable living a drug induced 'straight' life.

And for those of you who may say i've given up, or I don't want to change, I say I am what I am. It's the way I was born and nothing you can do will change that. I've accepted it. Why can't you?

I think one day I'll actually post those emails on here. It'll turn my blog into a comedy!
J