I like this :)

and in other news Mr Z commented on my blog, i think for the first time. Check out the post about the fat lady has sung. And Mr. Z feel free to comment as you wish in future :)

j

The other side of the coin

Again it's been a crazy few days, but this time not so great. A friend I'd planned on getting together with cancelled on me on Wednesday. We'd been hoping to do something for weeks but passover got in the way. We'd finally planned something the week before, only for plans to change. Who knows when we'll actually meet up next. On Thursday I met up with someone and after a relatively quick chat I got really nervous and decided to go home. I'm not going to elaborate on who it was or the reasons why, but suffice to say I was told never to contact him again. Fine with me.

Then another thing happened. I have a friend who recently moved to LA. We've been friends for a long time. He knows my real identity. He met a guy and after knowing him a few months his new man proposed to him and he accepted. I'm not really going to talk about their relationship but i do have one problem. My friend told his beau about me. Not just that my name isn't Jay, but my background, my real name, and of course with that info he managed to track down my real profile. At first I didn't know anything had been revealed. Until I get a message from the fiance referring to 'Jay'. Well what does that mean? He tells me he knows about me. I assumed he knew it was a fake name, and didn't really make a big deal about it. Then he messages me making reference to the pic on my real fb profile, then he says something to me that I could only understand to be a veiled threat to out me. And that was when I'd had enough. I don't know this guy, my friend barely knows this guy, what right does he have to reveal my secrets to other people because he decides they were trustworthy?! I got mad at my 'friend' as we were chatting online at the time. Obviously I'd have to face the facts at some point but who was he to decide when that time would be?

He acted like I was hanging him out to dry and protested that he'd been nothing but a good friend to me. Up until this point we'd been chatting often about a lot of things, and it had been daily or even more often. But i just can't do that right now, i'm too mad at him and worried about the things that could possibly happen. I went into damage prevention mode and changed all my facebook privacy settings to the highest. Now even if you search for my name you won't find me. Does that accomplish anything? I don't know. He still has enough on me to do damage if he wanted to. Does he want to? I have no idea either. I decided to have a bit of a break from this 'friend' for a while.

That night i needed to get out. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but i needed to get out. I thought of heading to the G lounge with the friend I had gone with the previous week, but after last week's encounter with other JQY guys he wasn't so keen on going to anything gay and popular. I guess that means nothing gay, because I don't know of any places that are unpopular, lol. So I went to his place, and yes it was a shlep by subway. Only to get there and think WTF am i doing here. He doesn't want to go out, I stayed a bit but i just decided I had to leave, with him or without him. So I went back to the G Lounge. Alone. Drinking alone just isn't that fun, and you end up drinking way more than you should. Well I wasn't alone the whole time there, but too much of it. So going out and having a few drinks turned into drink a bit too much to forget what happened that day. One thing I learn was that I need to make some new gay friends that actually like going out to gay bars and clubs.

At least the weekend ended on a good note, I'd been in contact with a guy online for a while, but never managed to actually meet up, so on Sunday we finally did. We talked alot just walking the streets of Manhattan and then we saw a movie. It was a really fun sunday :) And on that note i'm gonna end this post.

j

The fat lady has sung

This doesn't really fit in with the rest of this post but I can't believe I forgot to write it. After we left Therapy Mr Z took my hand and held it, saying "don't worry, it's a safe block". So I asked if i could kiss him. He stopped, pushed me against the wall of a building and started to kiss me passionately :) . It felt like the most out there thing i'd done in a while, and was something I missed the whole time we hadn't seen each other.

Back to the topic at hand... there's a couple things i wanted to talk about. I can't say I wasn't expecting it, it had to happen sooner or later. There were just too many issues, which is why we broke up the first time around, and since then I guess i just wasn't so into it because the issues were still there. So Mr z and I officially broke up for good, I guess he could just see that we had drifted apart and now it was just sex, which while fun, wasn't what he needed. So we broke up, over facebook chat. I guess I won't be going to fire island with him in the summer, lol. Mmm not sure i would've anyway.

There's a few sites i've been logging on to every now and then, such as manhunt. I don't know why, i'm not exactly going to hook up with some guy from there am I? Yes I like checking out who is online, and chatting to a few people. I have a basic free account meaning i'm limited as to how many profiles I can see in a day and how many messages i can read too. There are a few people that whenever they see i'm online, always message me, and i mean ALWAYS! A couple i've thought yeah he's hot, I might like to hook up with them one day, and there are others that I have no interest in. Another site I joined up was m4m-usa.com. Similar story there, I get a few hits and i wonder what it'd be like. Damn he's cute, too bad I'm not gonna show him the real me :(

The latest site I joined was compatiblepartners.net . It's the gay arm of eharmony.com. Supposedly you fill out this whole long questionaire and they computer match you with other people. They email you the matches they've come up with every day. I've even got a match with someone that I knew, which was interesting. Of course I don't have a pic up, and I use Jay as my name there. But everything I answered in my questionaire was truthful about myself.

Of course nothing is going to come out of any of those sites, because my life is still sort of unstable at the moment for a real relationship (that's assuming I'm looking for one now), and hooking up with someone i met online just feels a bit weird to me. I think i'll continue just going out and meeting people and taking things one day at a time :)

j

What a busy week

Hey, got lots to write about as it's been another busy week. I finally met up with Mr Z after a long almost 4 week hiatus. We met up at Therapy in hell's kitchen. There was some kind of show about to start upstairs so we sat down to watch and drink. After a drink we decided to leave. The show was ok, but if i had been pulled out of the audience I would've killed Z, lol. There's no way in hell i'm getting up on stage to pretend to be a gogo dancer. NO WAY IN HELL!!!!

We left and were thinking of another place to go to. Posh, or Vlada, but then just decided to go back to his place. And i don't need to elaborate on what happened that night, or the following morning, lol.

I also went to see David from Someone in a Tree perform in a production of The Sorcerer. He'd mentioned it to me a while ago and while I knew i wanted to go, I could just see my plans falling through at the last minute for some stupid reason, so I delayed actually buying my tickets for a while. Eventually it looked like things were actually going to work out and I was really excited to see it. I wasn't sure what to expect - i'd seen shows before, on broadway and off. This was a lot of fun, and he did a great job! And the fact that I was seated next to a cute guy was just an added bonus. After the show I went out with David for a drink (well where all the crew from the show were hanging out) and from there we took the subway home.

Fast forward to Saturday night. I was gonna hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I thought maybe we'd do something gay, then i thought mmm, maybe just hang out and go out to eat something or a movie, but he wanted to go gay, so we did. We went to the G Lounge, a place I hadn't been to in a long time. It was pretty full, being a saturday night. We got drinks and found a seat. Had another drink. The friend I was with thought he saw someone from 'So You Think You Can Dance' across the lounge so he went over to say hello. It turned out it was a dancer who was runner up a few seasons ago. We met his entourage and his Israeli boyfriend. We had more drinks, I met a jewish guy that I recognized, and we then met a couple guys from JQY. My friend stopped drinking but I didn't. While I was keeping myself busy with vodka sours he was busy locking lips with some guy. I was totally jealous of him. Eventually the place closed and we both left, heading towards home. By the time I got home it was 6am, it was light outside, and I was exhausted and still affected by alcohol. Boy did I sleep well :)

Jay

Summer is on it's way :)

I was in Chelsea last sunday, and you can really tell summer is on it's way. The place is packed, lots of gays, fag hags and breeders out for breakfast, lunch or brunch. Everyone eating outside in the bright sun, or waiting for a table, there's definitely lots of eye candy. I loved just walking around :) . With tomorrow supposed to be in the mid 80s, guess where i'm going to be again? lol

j

Some people...

Some people just piss me off. JC, MS or whatever else he's calling himself is one of them. He's a guy that found my blog... i think. He then found my fb. He then started chatting to me. It all began as harmless stuff. He was Jewish, religious, married, gay. It seems we had things in common, and stuff we could talk about. I did give him some information about myself, maybe a bit more than I would normally give a person. Only there was one thing I didn't know about him, - he was from the same city I was and soon enough figured out who I was. He didn't tell me he thought he knew who i was. He just started naming things and places connected to my family, like where a sibling of mine lives, and other stuff. At first I freaked out, he knew who i was. What would he do with the information? Would he tell anyone? After wards we started chatting less. He refused to tell me anything about himself. Nothing. Not even his initials, or what synagogue he goes to. Nothing at all. It was like everytime we had contact it was a reminder that he had this information about me and was holding it over my head. And there was nothing I could do to stop him. For the first time I actually felt helpless with my own fate.

His excuse for not telling me was basically since I planned on coming out at some point and he didn't, he had a lot more to lose if his identity became public knowledge, more than I had to lose if mine did. And that just pissed me off. Like who exactly would I tell? Why would I tell? How stupid did he think I was? As if i'd tell people about him, when he would just be able to do the same thing about me?

Anyway, so since then we haven't really had much contact. Everytime he gets chatting to me I push him for some details, and then suddenly he has to go. I have no interest in chatting with this guy. But he still finds a way to get on my nerves. The latest example is passover. I went away for passover. It was a pretty last minute trip. My family knew about it, a few of my friends knew I went away and where, but noone else really did. Until I get a message on facebook from this guy: "How's _______?". For crying out loud, what is this guy's problem? Yeah he knows who I am, and loves taunting me that he knows more and more things about me without revealing anything about himself. So here's a big FUCK YOU to him. You want to tell me something that I'm actually interested in hearing about? Fine. Otherwise don't contact me again, cos I'm just not interested in hearing it.

j

Hi

Just wanted to let you know i'm going to be away for passover so I don't know if i'll be able to update this blog. But i will definitely when i get back.

Jay