Sunday, September 2, 2012

I fucked up :(

I fucked up, big time. I've been chatting to a guy online for a while and we'd been trying to make plans to meet up and things just never worked out. Finally after about a couple months we finally were able to plan some drinks. Date and time was set, Friday night at the Greyhound. Easy enough. I met him there and we got a drink and started to chat. And suddenly it became clear to me. OMG he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck!

Let's go back to the very beginning. My name is not Jay Murray. I guess you could call it a pseudonym I came up with years ago, back when no-one knew I was gay. It became a fake identity. It's the listed author of this blog, there's even a fake facebook account. But none of it is real. People that have actually met me, know who I really am. If I chat to anyone or meet anyone these days they know who I am, if i'm chatting on grindr or manhunt they get my real name (except the one guy who saw me on grindr and is my 'facebook friend' who thinks I'm Jay... kinda awkward to correct you so i've let sleeping dogs lie, sorry!).

Anyway back to this guy. I've got a profile on, I made it years ago but rarely use it. I've never met someone from it, and the people who message me on it aren't people i'd ever want to meet anyway (pretty much 17 year old twinks who want to be barebacked or 60+ year old men - no thanks). Anyway so one day I get a message from a random profile on there. Not much by way of info, and no pics. Thats always a bad sign, but I replied to his message anyway for some reason. He said he didn't have pics yet as they were awaiting approval (they always are) but he could email me some. Mmm, what if it ends up being some creep who I'd rather block? Do I really want him having my real contact details? I don't even know what he looks like! So I gave him the email address attached to the profile of this blog's author... Jay Murray.

We swapped pics, seemed like a nice guy. Emailed a bit, then I found him on grindr and we chatted some more there, eventually swapped numbers and chatted some more. If I wanted to meet someone I don't usually let things drag on so long without actually meeting them, but he was sick, then I was sick, then he was away, eventially we were able to make plans. Initially he'd wanted to hook up but I asked if he was up for drinks. He seemed like a decent guy, why does he need to be just a shag?

Fast forward to Friday night, around 2 months after his first message. We're finally meeting. And he thinks my name is Jay. Fuck! I'm 99% sure at an early point in our chats over the last couple of months i'd told him my actual name. But here it was biting me in the ass. I told him the whole story and the reasons for doing what I did but he was very weirded out by the whole thing. So I gave him an out, I told him i'd walk away then and there and call it a night if he wanted. But he didn't. So I thought things were ok.

Funnily enough we actually got along really well. Similar age, similar interests. Everything was going great. Drinking, maybe a smoke here and there, a bit of a shuffle on the dancefloor, met some other people it was all going well. Or so I thought.

At about 2.30am we were outside in a small group, and he went inside with another guy and a couple minutes later so did I. I couldn't find him, but eventually I found the other guy who told me he'd left the building. Well that was a dissappointment, I had no interest staying there any more so I left myself. I checked Grindr and couldn't see him anymore so I figured he'd blocked me. I sent him a text apologising for the situation and wished him well. Well that was kind of a waste of a night.

The next morning my phone vibrated and it was a message from him. The time stamp showed it had been sent the previous night and said -" I've had to leave, thanks for a good night". Well what am I supposed to make of that? Is it i've had to leave because you're a weirdo? Thanks for a good night lets do it again sometime, or thanks for a good night but never contact me again? Was Grindr playing up and had he really not blocked me?

So I asked. And I was right the first time. What a dissapointing way to end and the only person to blame is myself :(


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Anonymous said...

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