I almost had heart attack a few nights ago... but you need some background info first. I am a member of a group on facebonk. Its a jewish gay group, kind of a support group. Anyway its a secret group, and it doesn't appear on your list of groups, so really only other members know that you're a member. Jay was invited to join a while ago, and went through the members, and he recognized someone. I'll call him John Smith because i couldn't be bothered coming up with a cool fake name for him.
He was from my hometown, i wasn't friends with him, but i knew who he was. And i had no idea he was gay/bi!!! Anyway that was ages ago. Cut to this week, i get an email that 'John Smith has added you as a friend on facebook'. Only it wasn't to Jay's email. It was to my email! My real email, for my real profile. And thats when i almost had a heart attack. A million things were running through my head. How did he know Jay was me? Why would he add me? Who told him i was gay? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm not ready for this!
I had no idea what i would do from then on. Clearly you tell one person you're gay, you may as well have told the world. Eventually i logged in to facebook, it turns out it was a different John Smith, also someone from my hometown, a straight guy this time. You have absolutely no idea how relieved i was.
It has really made me rethink alot of things. There's no way i can come out to people, not ccb, not any of my friends, even if i think they can keep a secret. Once its out, it will spread and i will have no control over who knows.
ciao
Jay
Posts
19 hours ago
6 comments:
Perhaps a good test to see how ready to you are to come out. Lucky it was only a test or a misunderstanding which turned in to a test... Lucky anyway.
Yes, i think i'm definitely not ready for that yet.
j
Hey Jay ... Found your blog today and just wanted to say hi .. :) ... i like what i read ... :P
plus I would also panic like that if anyone from my "real" facebook account found out!! :P .....
Hey Rambunctious!
As long as i don't have another experience like that i think i'll survive.
j
I don't know your exact situation, but if you are in an environment where you are apart from people from your own town, you shouldn't have a problem. Like CCB doesn't have any connection to your family, right? How would anything get back to them? If it's that tight where you are, you should transfer to a school farther away and start from there.
I used to worry when I would find out that people from college went to schoool with my cousins, but nothing ever came of it. Everyone at college knew I was gay, and my cousins probably always figured I was anyway. Or maybe they never discussed it. Sometimes we think everything centers on us and really people have other hings to worry about.
Thats just the thing. I'm not read for people to know i'm gay. Slowly i'm telling a person here and a person there. But they're people who live in another city or country and have no connection to my life here.
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