I'm not normally a crier...

This post is going to be harder to write than I thought. On one hand, once I start things are going to flow very easily. On the other, I'm not going to make a large part of the story public, so bear with me, I hope it makes sense.

So i'm not normally a crier. That's the title I went with. An alternative could've been 'it's not you it's me'. Either way, the content of this post sucks. Last week my boyfriend and I broke up. Well actually he broke up with me. Via text. Yes, via text. Of my friends that I've told, they've all been horrified that it was done via text. A couple dates, text is fine, 5 months, not so fine. For me though, I'm in 2 minds about it. 


Maybe we should go back a bit. Relationships aren't always easy, long distance relationships even more so. For as long as he was living in the same city as I am, things were going well. But when he moved away, I visited him a couple times. First time everything was great, well at least I thought so. The second time things were a bit weird between us. It was like we were with each other, but we'd lost the ability to communicate. We would go out for lunch or head for a day trip somewhere, but most of the time there was silence between us.

I returned home and decided to give him some space. Rather than me staying in touch with him, I waited for him to contact me. I hated waiting but I felt that we needed it. Eventually I heard from him. After that point, we spoke every now and then, but every time we did I didn't have the balls to ask the important question, as in what's wrong. After consulting my right hand man, I ended up sending him a text that next time we chat, I'd like to talk about us. He thought that was a good idea, and we spoke that night. He agreed things were weird, and could go down 2 routes. The first was we could break, which he said he didn't want to do. The other was for me to visit him in a few weeks and see if we could get things back on track.

At the time I was glad that he chose option B. But after we hung up it all started to sink in. Obviously I liked him, I cared about him, I wanted what was best for him. But how could breaking things off then and there even be an option? Other than a weird trip to visit him, our time together had actually gone quite well. I was happy. I thought he was happy. Why would he want to break up?

As I lay in bed last night, I cried. I didn't bawl my eyes out but I cried. I'm not normally a crier. Ok maybe I'll get a bit emotional but I'd never cried over a guy before. I really really liked him. It was hard not thinking about him, but at least I knew where things were and I'd see him in a couple weeks and we'd try to see where things are going and see if we could get back on track. The next week didn't go so well. He was stressing out about things, and I said if you want me to leave you alone for a bit, I'm happy to do that. If you need me to be patient, consider it done. Which he was glad for, he said he needed to chill out without me, and I was ok with that. I stayed out of contact and said message me when you're ready.

Later that week I was at the gym, and a Taylor Swift song came on. Bloody Taylor Swift. One of the million songs that she wrote about breaking up with someone. It actually made me really sad. I held it together, which surprised me because I had the song on repeat. What can I say, I missed him.

Later that night I went out for dinner with one of my best mates, I pretty much gave him the lowdown. I think the waiter came to us 3 or 4 times asking if we were ready to order, but we were too busy talking. Afterwards we went out for another drink. It was then that I looked at my phone and saw a text from the boyfriend.

The text. The breakup text. It was long, he apologised more than once for doing it via text. It included the usual it's not you, it's me. Isn't that standard for breakups? Well I knew what was going on behind the scenes, so I understood it. I was glad I was with my mate and had a drink in my hand because I needed it. I read it, he read it. I read it again. I don't know what I said, probably not much. Just that when the waiter had come up to us and asked if we were ready and he'd told him that we needed more time as I was going through a breakup, how right he was.

That night I cried again. I'm only human, and I'm allowed to be emotional, right?. He's the first guy I dated in a long time that I really felt a connection with. Not just the sexual chemistry but we just got along really well. What upsets me the most is that it wasn't like things had gone downhill and we tried to work things out and couldn't. We were just living in different cities and he decided to just call it off.

Eventually the next day I wrote him a reply. It was measured and thoughtful which I think was good in hindsight. Had we broken up by phone I probably would've been lost for words. Obviously in person would've been ideal but if he couldn't do it via phone, I doubt he would've done it in person. On the other hand, while I understand his reasoning behind it, and honestly I do (and I don't expect you to because you don't have all the info), he needed to do what he needed to do but I feel like I never really got a chance to say goodbye. I think that's my biggest issue right now. I want closure, but I don't feel i've gotten that through a text.

How long does it take to get over someone?  Obviously I will eventually, but these days, with social media in your face, you see everything. He said he hoped maybe down the line we could reconnect. I assume he meant as friends, which I don't have a problem with. But I'm not going to be the first to make a move. He blocked me on a couple of apps (you know the ones) but didn't unfriend me on Facebook, or unfollow or block me on Instagram, or snapchat. So yeah I still see him being happy, which i'm happy about. But have to stop myself liking things he posts or pictures on instagram. I guess everything will happen with time. And if I do hear from him again I do, and if I don't I don't. Welcome to relationships 101.

So I have a boyfriend...

I don't really know how to begin this post. I seem to only post sporadically these days, but I reckon this is worthy of a post. The latest news is that I have a boyfriend :) I've only recently started calling him my boyfriend - I haven't dated a lot while i've lived here so it still feels a bit weird. Before that he was the guy I was seeing. I didn't even use the word dating.

So I'm not an experienced dater in the slightest. One of the things that happen growing up in an ultra religious household was that I wasn't expected to have a girlfriend, which was fine with me to be honest. When I did date girls it was at a point in my life when my parents thought it was time to get married so it was to find a wife. I think I've probably blogged about my experiences dating girls previously. I did have a boyfriend back when I lived in New York but that was all new to me.

Since I moved back to Australia I felt like it was time to let loose a little, keep everything casual, friends, hookups, but I always got to the point where I said I wasn't looking for anything serious. You know of the guy in my previous post, a hookup became friends which started leading into something more, but I didn't let it develop into anything more.

Enter a new guy from stage left. He was in town for work, which was fine as far as I was concerned. It started casually, and it started to develop from there, only this time I let it. We were hanging out alot. Drinks, movies, dinner, watching TV sharing a bottle of wine, we even did a trip away one weekend which was alot of fun. All those things would fall under the category of dates.

That being said, things have moved along slowly, at least from my end. While he's technically been living in my city, he hasn't met any of my family or friends. Obviously they've heard about him but that's it. Meanwhile, even though he's not actually from here, i've met a number of his friends. I remember the first time we met a friend of his, his first words were "so this is the boyfriend", so I guess, yes, I was the boyfriend. It felt weird, but good.

I was chatting about him to one of my friends and I said something along the lines of "I just take a while to open up to people". His response was dead straight... "A while? You don't open up to anyone. Ever." So maybe he's right. Maybe my boyfriend will take a while to learn about me. Until then, he's still my boyfriend, and there's other things to deal with. Like the fact that he's not living here anymore. Ideally i'd like to move where he is, but easier said than done. We'll see how the coming weeks go, but i'm happy, and in a good place :)

The incidental homewrecker

Hello blog readers. This is the story about how I became known as an incidental homewrecker - at least according to one of my friends.

Ever met someone for a random hookup and it kind of developed into something more? I met someone online (as you do, or at least as I do) and we really hit it off. I'm just gonna call him A for ease. We stayed up till about 2.30am texting and when we actually met instead of just hooking up we spent a few hours chatting over a bottle of wine. We started seeing quite a bit of each other, maybe a couple times a week. Cooking each other dinner, watching TV, having a few drinks. Yeah I may have spent the night but still. When we first met he'd just gotten out of relationship, and I wasn't looking to get into one with my life kind of being up in the air for a number of reasons, so it worked out well. Though we did start to develop feelings for each other. We both realised it but didn't let it develop further. Which I was quite ok with.

At one point he mentioned his ex wanted to reconcile but he wasn't sure that he wanted to. Let's call the ex D. As in dickhead, or douche. Take your pick. We talked a bit about it but it was his decision and nothing for me to get involved in. We started hanging out less, he said he was busy with work and he went away and he was dealing with the ex. I liked him. But we weren't dating. I was quite happy to let him figure out what he needed to figure out. Yes I wanted to remain friends either way, but I didn't want to get in the way of anything.

And then one day I received this:

Firstly, woohoo, my first ever text from someone's ex. Secondly, umm hell no. At this point we hadn't hung out for about 6 weeks, the texts had been few and far between, maybe once a week, along the lines of "Hi, how's it going?". I was at the point where I understood he needed to work things out and I thought i'd wait for him to contact me, rather than the other way around. If he didn't, so be it. But his ex texting me to stay away from him? No fucking way do I take orders from that dickhead/douche. 

The first thing I did was contact A, basically saying D had somehow gotten my number and wanted me to stay away from A and never contact him again. Which I wasn't willing to do just because D wanted it so, and even if they did get back together there was no reason we couldn't be friends. That being said, I'd leave the ball in A's court.

As for D, I took my time in replying. I had a few versions that I ran past a couple of friends. They were like the good angel and the bad angel. One of them thought my responses were perfect. The other thought they were inflammatory and aggressive. Which they were, but that's how I felt. Hell hath no fury like a gay scorned, or something like that. You can see the progression below. On the far left is all me, a sarcastic bitch on a plate.

Somehow I ended up sending the one below - a sanitised version. See, I can be nice too.

D sends a reply, apologising. Apologising is one thing, apologising because you were drunk is another. Of course I then regret not being my original true self in the first place. If there was ever a time to give it to him, this was gonna be it.

Putting something behind us is fine, but he's still a dick.

I ended it by saying I couldn't ask for more. But he's still a dick. And if I never hear from him again i'll be overjoyed. Though in some ways I hope he does message me again, it's quite entertaining.

Wow it's been 4 months!

Hello there, you may remember me from this blog. I hardly blog at all these days, and then one day suddenly i'll think of something and then decide to blog. So here I am.

I wanted to start off this post talking about life's ups and downs, but I feel like i've began a few posts like that already, so it's getting a bit stale. On the other hand it's been 4 months, so who would remember besides me?

Lots of things have happened in the recent and not so recent times, things that I havent told anyone about. As days begin to blur, one into the next, I've begun to question where the hell my life is going. Have I made good choices in life. Some days i'd feel hopeful, and the next i'd feel helpless. I visited the beyond blue organisation's website and had a good read through. Depression. Anxiety. Am I depressed? There's a 1 minute anxiety and depression checklist, which I completed. Reading through the questions I thought i'd pass with flying colours but I scored 'moderate', whatever that means.

Reading more into it I checked out the signs and symptoms. Some things i'd think yeah that's me - not going out anymore? Yeah i've been a bit anti social (or maybe more than a bit). Some i'd think no way - sleeplessness, lack of appetite, unable to concentrate. So I decide to get back on the horse. It's sad that when I think I want to meet new people, I think of grindr et al. Personally, it's more a social app than a hookup app (mostly) but it's like I don't know how to meet people in real life anymore.

And suddenly i'm meeting/scheduled to meet up with a bunch of new people within a few weeks. That makes me happy. I felt more like my old self. My old self being always up for hanging out. A friend wants to go out for a drink or 3 at 11pm? I'm down with that.

The first one was a friend in town for the weekend so we spent Saturday night drinking and hit a club too till the early hours of the morning. It was actually a really fun night, something I felt like I hadn't done in a long time.

The next actually started with a hookup - well we'd chatted years ago but never met up, so we finally did. Then we spent an hour or 2 chatting and actually getting to know each other. Until he kicked me out of his bed. We caught up for drinks the following week (who knew beer needed to be vegan? lol). Then we went for a drive down to the beach (stopped at Maccas on the way) and I dropped him home. I can tell he likes me, but i'm really in a weird place at the moment. Not looking for dates, more mates which I hope he's ok with.

He wanted to catch up again and go for a drive, but then he offered me petrol money. I took that really badly. Wer're not going on a roadtrip! Yeah I know it was a nice gesture on his part but I wasn't seeing it. Maybe it's a matter of pride. Maybe it's a matter of not knowing him so well yet. I gave him a bit of a dressing down (via text) and then apologised which is what I always seem to do, but we'll catch up again soon, i'm sure. Well I think.

That brings us to this week. I had plans for both last night and tonight. The guy from last night suddenly had a work thing come up. Catching up afterwards was a possibility but I didn't hear back from him till this morning - which I thought was not cool. Then I messaged the guy I was supposed to catch up with for drinks tonight to reconfirm we were still on and he let me know he'd accidentally double booked. Maybe afterwards was an option but had to play things by ear (yeah afterwards didn't happen either). That's 0 for 2 this week.

What is it about social meets via grindr/manhunt/scruff that makes them so damn low in the food chain of social catchups? Somewhere between hanging out with a long lost cousin who only contacts you if he wants something and hanging with your homophobic uncle? (Just examples, not actual fact haha). It's almost like if anything else comes along you'd rather be doing that.

Maybe it's just me but if i'd book something in, not only would I be looking forward to it, but if something else comes up i'd turn it down. It's kind of like a first date. You could be a really awesome/funny/amazing/fill in adjective guy, but if we have to take a raincheck before we've even met, thats gotta leave a bad taste in your mouth.

And then there's another guy. Yes we were chatting on grindr for a good few days, got along like a house on fire. Funny, good looking (those 2 really do it for me). And when I load his grindr profile... online 7 days ago. I have a first name, and a street that he lives on. I'm not gonna try and track him down but if he never comes back online, that's pretty sad. I guess that really makes it 0 for 3 this week. I guess I don't need to wonder why i've become anti social...

May next week be a little brighter :)

Life is what you make of it, but I don't know what to make of these...

Thinking back over the past weeks and months i've met some people that really have done my head in. I've talked about one guy already, the one who didn't know what he wanted and changed his mind every 5 seconds. Anyway, we basically settled on staying friends. Which seemed to be fine, until he went dark. At one point he wanted to have dinner with me and then the next he just completely stopped replying to all my texts. Weeks of nothing and then suddenly it's started up again, very slowly. I get the odd snapchat (g rated) from him and I may reply and that's about it. I don't know what the hell that is all about.

Then there was guy #2. We 'met' on scruff. Chatting and texting constantly. Eventually we caught up, meaning I went over to his place and had a couple drinks, finally chatting face to face. Well one thing lead to another, as it always does and we fooled around after which I went home. The next morning I sent him a text thanking him for a fun night. His reply? "No good :(" Not sure what the fuck that was supposed to mean. Certainly it wasn't a positive one. I replied with I think an ok, got it. Or something like that, actually disappointed. Eventually he texted me an apologised as that message wasn't meant for me. Really? WTF. He called, very apologetic about the whole thing, insisted that he had fun and did want to catch up again. Ok he convinced me.

The usual thing happens, lots of texts, chatting away. One day we made more plans. It was firm in that we were doing something, but hadn't finalised what we were going to do. He finishes work at 9. Of course I don't hear another word, until after midnight. He wants me to come over. Um no, so much for finishing work at 9? Oh he finished later and then went out for drinks with colleagues from work. Of course I don't hear from him for a while (like a few weeks) and I think back to when he had to convince me that he really did want to see me again. And I wonder if that was really true... He apologised for being a bad friend and I think things might be back to normal.

I got some travel under my belt, came back a few weeks later and texted him. The response? "Who is this? lol". I guess he didn't save my number, and deleted our message history. Just wonderful. He tried to guess who I was, and was not even in the ball park. After a few clues he figured out who I was, but still didn't remember what my name was. I had thought he was a nice guy, but there's only so many times you'll accept an apology before giving up on someone. And I think i've reached that point now.

Onto guy #3. This was a guy from the gym. I tend to be a more shy and reserved kinda guy. I don't normally approach random guys, i'm not forward in the slightest. But there was this guy, quite attractive and whenever he saw me at the gym he checked me out. That was it. Eventually I began doing the same. Like I'd go to the gym and hope to see him there. One day as I was leaving he saw me and stopped his workout and just looked. I smiled and stupid me instead of actually turning around and going up to him I continued walking out. I was so annoyed with myself, so the next time I saw him I made sure to go up to him and have a chat. I never ever do that so finally I grew some balls.

We had a nice chat at the gym and I was gonna head off so I asked for his number. And he wouldn't give it to me. Or he said he couldn't. It was a work phone and with the work that he did he wasn't allowed to give his number out. Weird I know but I was ok with that and gave him my own number. Of course I had no way to reach him so either I would see him at the gym next or I'd get a phone call. Waiting and waiting and waiting. He called me 3 loooooong days later. Obviously we live in the modern world and i'm used to being able to contact someone I want to instantly. Heck, i'm even used to contacting people I don't like instantly, can you imagine how crazy I must've been going waiting for this phone call?

I had posted a couple questions on facebook about him. Is it normal for someone not to be able to give you their number because they only have a work phone? Responses ranged from 'yes' to 'no he just didn't want to give you his number' and 'just likes the chase'. The next question was how long is normal to expect contact from someone you gave your number to. Most were along the lines of 1-2 days max. I told him what my friends thought of him lol. I saw him at the gym that night and I pushed him on a few things. How about an app on his phone that I can message him on? No not grindr, there are messaging apps out there, he wouldn't have to give me his number but I could message him when I wanted and so could he.

I also asked him how his friends ever contact him. Do they send an email and hope for a quick reply? I pushed on some other things as well. At what point does someone get his number? Dating? In a relationship? move in together? Marriage? It was mostly in jest but I think the whole 'I can't give you my number' is a bit weird. Saw him again at the gym the following night, had a bit of a chat. And then the next morning I get a phone call from a blocked number. Yep it's him. He thinks he's going to get a personal mobile phone. And he thinks we should stay friends. He thinks i'm funny and a cool guy to be around but he's not looking for a relationship and he believes I am. He would love to hang out, be friends, maybe work out together, that's it. He'd like to introduce me to one of his friends (still not sure if i'm supposed to be friends with this other guy or i'm supposed to date him). I was a bit lost for words.

We hadn't dated, we've barely had a few conversations, 2 of those were just mid workout at the gym. What kind of crap was that? Yeah I know I may have pushed him a bit but thats just bullshit. Obviously being comfortable and friendly with each other is important, but i'd be open to seeing where things go. I wasn't saying we're going to get married, but who closes things off before you've even started? No-one spends a few weeks checking someone out at the gym and thinks "i'd like to be his friend".

That's where we currently are and that's what i'm going to tell him next time I see him. As for being his friend, I just don't know. I have no problems making friends, and the more friends the merrier. But this whole thing has just pissed me off.

Dating

Dating, I don't date. Or so my friends tell me. One in fact said he'd love to meet the guy I agree to date because I don't date. Maybe I just don't really consider it dating until it starts getting serious when I am actually dating. Maybe i'm commitment phobic. Maybe I just seem to pick the wrong guys.

There was this one guy. We met at a jewish social event and started chatting on facebook soon after. Then we made (potential) plans to catch up, and then it went downhill. It was Christmastime, he said he'd try but work was crazy at the time and after Christmas he was going overseas for a month. So it might be some till we actually caught up. I will say I wasn't looking at it as a date but maybe there was potential down the track. Even a mutual friend gave his approval, lol.

When he got back from overseas I got in touch. He was still keen but let me know he'd started seeing someone and wasn't sure if I still wanted to catch up that being the case. Well I was still keen. Like I said, I wasn't looking at it like a date, but still it stung a little. At times when he was free I was busy or outta town, when I was in town he was interstate for work. It looked like it'd never happen. Eventually we caught up for drinks. Four freaking months after we first met. I thought it went well, we got along well, and i'm always happy to have a new mate to hang out with.

When the night ended and went downhill. I said we should catch up again, and hopefully sooner than 4 months. He said something along the lines 'i'm sure i'll see you at the next event' (from the group where we met initially). Well that was a big thumbs down if I'd ever heard one. Basically I don't want to hang out but I'm sure i'm bump into you at some point in the future. Yay me. Fuck guys.

Round 2. Argh!

So you probably remember this guy. A wise man told me to forget about him and not to do anything stupid, i.e. shag him. But i'm a woos. While we didn't shag, we kind of made up for the miscommunication about midsumma and he still wants to hang out. I told him a shag would need a discussion before it even had a remote chance of happening, but I was happy to hang out as mates no problem. So we made plans to hang out.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate deciding what to do. Let someone else pick, or at least give me some options if I'm the one who's gonna make the decision. He wouldn't have a bar of it. I had no clue what he enjoys doing but a bit of facebook stalking and I came up with the perfect thing, given the hot weather we were having. I told it was going to be a surprise but he kept on asking what we were doing. I thought it was hilarious and it seemed he did too, all his messages wanting the details ended in a 'lol' or a 'haha' or something like that. A few days before we were supposed to catch up when I still wouldn't tell him he called me an asshole and said he wasn't coming. I told him it was his loss. I figured that was the end of it.

First the 'we can be friends/lovers/nothing' episode and now this. Seriously, I don't know if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I can't handle this shit. He sent me a happy valentines day message and got annoyed when I didn't send him one back and tonight he wanted to hang out and I turned him down. Maybe he'll get the hint or maybe I need to come out with and say I can't be friends with him cos he's an asshole. You can't treat me like crap more than once and then just expect everything to go back to normal. I don't deserve it.