Smiles all round!!! :)

Well for once i can say i'm happy where the 'gay' part of my life is going. I posted some of my story in a gay jewish forum, and had a number of people contacting me saying either they were in a similar situation, or just wanted to chat. Slowly but surely more people will find out about my sexuality and i think i'm ok with that. At least getting to chat to people without revealing who i am is a big first step, and who knows where it could lead. But i think it may also lead to complacency. I think everything is going great, and start letting people know who i am. The more people that know, the less in control i am of how the information spreads. Of course everyone i tell has probably been in a similar situation to me at some point. In addition, we don't seem to have any connection in our real lives. I would hope that they would keep my secret, but what if they slip up, accidentally? What then? Am i ready to deal with the consequences? I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet, but being in contact with more people will bring me that one step closer. I know someone who had a similar thing happen to him. He was out to a selection of people. Someone asked if they could tell one friend of his about him being gay. He said fine, only the info didn't stop there, and he had no control over who was going to find out, that is something that scares me, and i going to be at the forefront of my mind whever i think about telling someone.

One person I know i want to tell lives in NY. He's just a random hot guy that i'd been chatting with on facebook. He wouldn't confirm me as a friend because we'd never met. So he wanted to meet up, of course i said no. Usual story, eventually i told him i wouldn't meet him because i had some secrets, something i couldn't share with him. He seemed ok with it, and told me whenever i felt alright sharing it with him, to let him know. He'd keep my secret identity. So this week i decided to poke him. He was going to be #3. Only i haven't heard back from him yet. I've played the whole thing out in my mind how this is going to go, but so far, nothing. Not a peep, not a poke, not a 'do i know you?'. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I will call this guy NYH (as in New York hottie!). I know i'm so boring coming up with these things but i'm not going to mention his name, nor put up a pic of him, even though i'd like to.

Ok, what else has been going on... the chats i have with my news friends see to be of a similar format. There's the whole religious aspect, that just because i'm gay, it doesn't meen i have to give up on being religious. Just because i do one sin, i can try to keep all the other commandments, that kind of stuff, but they also ask me questions about sex. Such as would i like to be a top or bottom. Which is quite a funny question coming from a religious person, where the previous paragraph was talking about religion or god or something like that. One thing that ties them all together is that everyone appears to want to wait till that special someone comes along. Not 'losing my virginity' because the opportunity arose.

It actually made me think alot. I had decided i wanted to hold out for HGF. He was someone i cared about, someone i loved, and someone who loved and cared about me. He knew I wanted him to be my first (don't even ask about his whole situation, being in a relationship and all that and how it will work), I told him I wanted it. It was via email and i gave him an easy way out, but he was interested too :) . My only question now is am i holding myself back waiting for him? Obviously there would be logistical issues being that we're in 2 different countries, but would i be doing myself a disservice by waiting for the opportunity to experience it with him? I hope not, but there's only one way to find out! I know this is what i want and i'm willing to take that chance, even if it means giving up other opportunities along the way.

Of course that brings me to another question. What after then? HGF will always be there, but as much as we love each other we won't have the kind of relationship i'm looking for. So what next? Do i hook up with some friends i've made? Or will that friendship just end badly? If i'm not looking for a relationship just yet, then what am i looking for? Just a fun time? A one-off hookup with a hot boy i danced with at a club (pure speculation, honest! lol), oh life can be so difficult!

And I think this post is long enough so that's a good enough wrap up,
ciao
J

Am i alone in the WWW?

Actually i can answer that question myself. I know i'm not alone, even though it sometimes feels that way. I see people visiting, from different cities and different countries. I'm glad there are some people reading my blog. Maybe it helps them through some rough times, maybe not. But how about saying hi, just so i know you're out there? Share with us something about yourself. I promise i won't bite, well maybe just a little nibble ;)

jay

OMFG!!!! I've been outed! Or so i thought...

I almost had heart attack a few nights ago... but you need some background info first. I am a member of a group on facebonk. Its a jewish gay group, kind of a support group. Anyway its a secret group, and it doesn't appear on your list of groups, so really only other members know that you're a member. Jay was invited to join a while ago, and went through the members, and he recognized someone. I'll call him John Smith because i couldn't be bothered coming up with a cool fake name for him.

He was from my hometown, i wasn't friends with him, but i knew who he was. And i had no idea he was gay/bi!!! Anyway that was ages ago. Cut to this week, i get an email that 'John Smith has added you as a friend on facebook'. Only it wasn't to Jay's email. It was to my email! My real email, for my real profile. And thats when i almost had a heart attack. A million things were running through my head. How did he know Jay was me? Why would he add me? Who told him i was gay? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm not ready for this!

I had no idea what i would do from then on. Clearly you tell one person you're gay, you may as well have told the world. Eventually i logged in to facebook, it turns out it was a different John Smith, also someone from my hometown, a straight guy this time. You have absolutely no idea how relieved i was.

It has really made me rethink alot of things. There's no way i can come out to people, not ccb, not any of my friends, even if i think they can keep a secret. Once its out, it will spread and i will have no control over who knows.

ciao
Jay

Life, oh life

Recently i've been struggling through my days. Spending my days away from home has been a great relief, but i dread coming home at the end of the day. I stay in my room, and pretend there is nothing outside my door. My thoughts have become quite erratic. Ideas suddenly pop into my head and think about doing them without actually thinking them through. One of those was to come out to ccb. I don't know why, its not as if he'd care either way, but we barely know each other. Not exactly a person i think i should come out to, at least not yet.

Thinking about coming out, i suddenly didn't want to do it. The effect it'd have on everyone, the extra stress on me, i didn't want it. I thought about other options. The only options were to marry a girl, or to die prematurely, but none of those were ideal. I know it's fucked up be thinking that way, but i didn't see any other way. I didn't think i could live with the secrets i have,

At times i thought if only i went to sleep one night, and never woke up the next morning. That would be so much easier on me. I wouldn't have to deal with all the crap i'm going through.

I heard my mother talking about me on the phone. "... he acts like he doesn't want to get married... he needs a push... you talk to him, he won't talk to me... we have enough problems that we seem to forget about him." What a great conversation to overhear :/

In addtion, i get calls from people asking me if i want to date a girl, or from people telling me that a girl wants to date me, both at home and in other cities. It's like they're waiting for me. How am i supposed to say i'm not interested?

I just caught up on the last 2 episodes of Brothers and Sisters, and lots of shit has been happening. Saul, the old gay uncle just came out, and Kevin, one of the brothers, just had a commitment ceremony with Scotty. It really made me think alot. I don't really know what i want. Do i want to live a bachelor my whole life, keeping this a secret from everyone? Certainly not! But do i want to come out now? I don't think i could handle that either. What i want is an easy way out of this mess. Any ideas?

Jay

We have confirmation!

Just an update re: CCB. I friended him on facebook, and his status is all but confirmed. He has a boyfriend, well at least according to his profile page. But he just looks like he swings that way. HGF agreed with me 100%, so maybe my gaydar is working ;)

In other news i got a call from HGF this week. It was so great to hear his voice, it has been months since we spoke! Once we started it felt like we could talk forever, but eventually we had to say goodbye :( We must do it more often.

jay

My gay world just got a little bit bigger

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I'm baaaaaaack!

Hey y'all,

I'm back. It's been a while since i've posted. Lots of things have happened, some good, some not so good. But that's life i guess.

I had a huge fight with my parents, and almost moved out. That has settled down for the moment so those plans are on hold. At least i had HGF to calm me down when the going got tough.

I've made contact with someone in a similar situation to me, which is great to find someone who knows what i'm going through to talk with.

Also, i'm wondering if i should say something to CCB, or maybe drop a hint. It's exciting to think i might actually tell someone, yet makes me nervous as hell.

anyway, time to go,
ciao
J