Out with the old and in with the new

What was the original purpose of this blog, you may ask. I don't think i'd have a definite answer. It would be a place to vent. A place to air my frustration. A place to share my good news, as well as my bad. A place where i could put things down on 'paper'.

I'm quite a sensitive guy, and i normally would keep things bottled up, rather than the tell the person off that i'm mad upset with. I'm just not sure what to do. I (as a gay person) have 2 groups of friends. 1 would be the initial people i met, or chatted to or came out to. The second group would be those that came onto the scene more recently. It kind of feels like i've fallen out of favor with the first group. I don't know whether they still read this blog. But i hate feeling like i'm the only one putting into this friendship, well whatever's left of it.

2 people in particular i felt like we'd be best friends forever. But now i'm not so sure. I email, i message, and there's only so long one can keep on doing this and most of the time not getting a reply before you think about giving up. I used to think i'd have a friend for life, but we've moved on from a bunch of emails per day to maybe 1 every week, or from daily chats to never chatting.

They could be working 3 jobs, or working on their PhD, or whatever, and i know they're busy. But is it too much to ask for a hello every now and then? Or a reply to an email. Even a 1 liner is better than nothing. Is it asking for too much? Maybe it is...

/rant

It scares me how quickly things have changed.

Jay

So much to say, so little time to say it

Things have progressed quite a lot since my last post. I've come out to more people, but real people. Real friends, going through similar things to what i am. A bunch of nice jewish boys who i'd love to meet up with next time i'm in their neck of the woods. Which will hopefully be later this year. I been chatting with them online, speaking on the phone for hours. We have so much in common and so much to talk about, there's not enough time in the day!

There was also one other guy, a really sweet guy and i thought we'd been chatting so long, i should probably tell him. So i did, and we really hit it off. We're planning to meet up later in the year when we actually find ourselves in the same country at one time. In a way i'm surprised things are working out so well. For a while i was probably looking at things as the cup half empty. But things are now cup half full. The hard part isn't over, but it's nice to know i have a bunch of friends that will support me (i hope) when the going gets tough.

I'd always been concerned about my looks. I don't know how to say this without sounding like a wanker, but i think i'm cute looking, well maybe i would be without this beard. I have an average body, and I never thought i'd be considered attractive by someone the way i look now. Ssome of these people that i chat to tell me how cute i am, or how i am their 'type', lol. Maybe they're just being nice, but it's really nice to hear. For someone to tell me that he thinks i'm sexy and wants to 'play' when we meet up, coming from a guy who i think is really hot and has a great muscular body, well thats been great for my self esteem. And really good for my fantasies ;)

j

Wow, has it really been that long?

I can't remember the last time i had such a gap between posts but all is well.

Last week I made a call to my new 'friend' - the one who i'm supposed to be going on a date with. He didn't asnwer but it went to voicemail so that was a good start, at least i knew what he sounded like. He then called back later but got my sister so he said he got the wrong number. But i eventually called back and we had a great chat. The only problem is that it was too short. Thats what happens when you try to call people and there are people around. Parents, siblings, guests, i barely get any time alone to call these people. And i can't exactly talk about gay things, coming out, sex, etc with them around. It's frustrating! I also spoke with another friend not too long ago. I'd love to chat more often, but everything just gets in the way.

I also got a stern talking to from a guy on manhunt, lol. I made a free profile years ago when i was just a kid. With free profiles you need to put a pic, so i found one online and used that. Anyway so this guy was a NJB (nice jewish boy) or so he claimed, and he seemed like a nice guy so i told him it wasn't really a pic of me, and he really let me have it. I absolutely deserve it, but he lost interest completely. Which is a shame, cos it would've been nice to meet up with him in NY. which brings me to another point, if i was to meet with various people does that mean i'm cheating on the first guy who asked me out? I've never thought of myself as a cheater, but maybe i am...

And finally, i posted another ad on craiglist. This time in a different city, just to compare the response. I received a grand total of 0 emails for an almost identical posting, which surprised me. Maybe thats California for you ;)

Take care,
J

What a great day!

Today I went out with some cousins visiting from overseas. We went out for lunch and then went ice skating. That may not seem like much to most people but I really enjoyed myself, and it has been too long since i can remember a day where i really had alot of fun :) Here's to more fun days ahead.

jay

I got asked out on a date :)

Well i didn't, 'jay' did. Which is a first for me. It's also kind of weird. What do you tell someone who has just asked you out on a date thinking you are someone else? He found me on facebook in a gay jewish group. I told him i wasn't who he thought i was, and slowly revealed more info about myself, to the stage where i've now directed him to my real profile. I haven't heard back from him... yet, but i know i know, no judging slow responses as anything more than that. He seems like a cool guy :) . He is 10 years older than me, so he's probably looking to settle down while i'm only tying to start beginning my life as a gay man. But i'd like to see where it goes, even if we only end up having 1 date, i'm sure we'll have fun. We do come from different backgrounds, and he's in NY, and i won't back there for a few months, so that gives us some time to get to know each other better :)

Another thing that I did recently which was very out of the ordinary, was that I posted an ad in the personals section of craigslist NYC. I wasn't seriously looking for a hookup just yet, especially since i'm not in NYC right now, but i guess I was just testing the waters, seeing whats out there. I got quite a few responses which I am pleased about. Gay closeted jewish guys sure come out of the woodwork once you post on craigslist! lol.

One thing that i am a bit concerned about is that most people who know my real identity, are people i have found online, who are not jewish. I seem to have this fear of letting jewish people know who i really am. Not that they'd out me or anything, but i guess i'm concerned about the jewish geography side. I'm sure they'd know someone who knows someone who knows me (yeah i know it sounds crazy! and if you don't know what i mean google it) and i'm concerned about it accidentally getting out when i'm not ready for that yet. Coming out and sending a pic to people who responded to my craigslist ad is also a bit weird. I have no idea who these guys are, and since i'm not there anyway there's nothing i can do but take a raincheck even if i really wanted to go ahead with it.

i'm off,
ciao
Jay

Everything in life ebbs and flows

I've been going through so many emotions recently. Happiness and sadness, excitement and anger. There are lots of things happening in my life, and i've come to realise that for the most part i can't control it. What happens, happens and i shouldn't give up on anyone or anything because life is like a wheel, and if things look really down right now, it's only a matter of time before things look up. A case in point is my previous post. There were these 2 guys i had been chatting to. I thought that they'd dissappeared on me. But like everything else, chats with my newfound friends ebbs and flows. Some days they'll be tens of messages or chats going back and forth, sometimes there'll be days without any. But i know that they will come back to me, eventually. Which means when i wake up and have no emails waiting for me, all it takes is time and it will come good.

Have a good night,
Jay :)

Is it really worth it?

I just don't get it. Am i too trusting, or do I just scare people off? Why the hell would someone give you their MSN or AIM if they have no bloody intention to chat with you. There are 2 guys in particular, people i've come clean to. Suddenly thats almost the end of it, well a 99% slowdown. No emails, no messages, no chats, no replies. And they seemed like really nice guys too :( Are hot gay guys really such a-holes? Or is it just me? I'm at a point where I really have to ask myself why I put myself out there, time and time again. Is it really worth it?