Don't. Get. Caught!

Of course no-one wants to be caught doing anything that others wouldn't approve of. While living in New York, i'd done my own thing. Now i got home and no-one knew the real me. I didn't keep shabbat, i didn't do a lot of things, and they still thought I was their good little son.


Well that was until late one Friday night. Not a creature was stirring, everyone was asleep. Time for me to connect the internet. Yeah I know, bad move. If anyone would get up, they'd see. It's not like I needed to go online. But I did it anyway. And my mother woke up. I thought she must've seen it. There's no way she could've missed it. When I heard her go back to bed I went and unplugged the cord. I heard her crying in her bed. Fuck.

There was nothing that could be done about it. She came to me in the morning and asked about it. There was no denying it. She asked for a reason. And I didn't have one for her. She promised not to tell my father, which was good for me, but that didn't help her. Was I an internet addict? No. Was I being cyber-bullied? No. Then why would I go online on shabbat? Who did I need to contact at the time? No-one. I just couldn't tell her the truth. Because I just don't care anymore.

She has asked me numerous times since then, but I still don't have an answer for her. She's disappointed in me, but there's nothing for me to say. I can't tell her the truth, I just can't. Well not yet anyway.

The next time getting 'caught' came a few weeks later. I'd gone out on Thursday night to meet up with a guy (which I haven't actually blogged about yet - he's next). I told my parents I was out with a straight friend from school. No I didn't say he was straight, i'm just letting you know that he is. The next night I went for a walk with my mother after dinner. She asked how my friend's new job was. The friend i'd supposedly been out with the previous night. My answer? Dunno, haven't seen him.... [realise what i'd just said, quick! say something, save yourself, say something, anything] in a couple of days. Fuck. And she didn't buy it. Seriously, how could I have been so stupid?! I told her I was kidding and she could call him if she didn't believe me. She didn't, and i'm not so sure she wants to know.

J

I'm a bitch, she's a bitch, they're all bitches

I don't really have much to say other than what a bitch! Seriously how low can a person be? Ok here's the background information. A friend of mine calls me and says he heard from a mutual friend of ours that there was a rumor going around that I was gay and had been seen going into a gay bar. So i'm thinking who would've said that to him?! Was he friends with the girl who showed up to my going away party?


My friend dug for some more answers and bits and pieces of info started coming out. And it started getting more twisted. He found out a name. Someone that had been suggested to me to date time and time again, but she sounded like a real psycho, so that was an easy out. So was she starting the rumor because she was pissed off or something? But then we heard that she had heard it from a girl I had dated. I had one girl in mind. The last girl I dated, who was the stupidest person I'd ever had to have a conversation with. Seriously, like the epitome of a dumb blonde.

I called a mutual friend of ours who practically confirmed that this sounded like something she'd do. And by the next day, it had gotten back to the person who had originally told my friend the story. Which basically confirmed who had started it. Bitch!



Of course I was freaking out, I wasn't sure how fast it would travel. Who would hear it. Of course I got a phone call from another friend (a gay one this time) that he'd heard it from a friend in Israel. Apparently it had come up at their shabbat table. Some discussion that must've been. So now I know word has spread to 3 continents. Who knows where else it will go? And i don't really know if this girl who started it actually saw something or was just upset that I dumped her ass so quickly. Either way, what a bitch!

J

Meeting facebook friends

I met up with a random guy on facebook. Well we didn't meet up on facebook, we met up in person, but he's a random facebook friend, like most my facebook friends are. I always thought he was hot and the opportunity came up I thought why the hell not. Im always looking to meet new people. It was a nice warm day, we met up near the beach for a couple of beers had a nice chat, then went for a walk.


We ended up sitting on the beach, and before you knew it we were making out. Note to self... remember to empty the sand out of my pockets before I get home. We were there for a while then thought we'd head somewhere else. We continued walking and decided to head back to his place. I followed him in my car. No traffic so it didn't take too long to get there, and it ended up being a fun night :)

Fast forward a couple hours or so and we were lying in bed watching TV. I was thinking should I stay or should I go? If I stayed I'd hit rush hour in the morning on the way home and the 'powers that be' would know I was out all night because I probably wouldn't make it home till 9.30 or 10 o'clock. I certainly wasn't looking forward to that. It was then that I realised we were holding hands and he then asked me if he was going too fast. Huh? Oh. Crap. He thinks. Crap. No. Yikes. My mind was thinking yes, but what came out was no. Fuck. I was just looking for friends to be honest. Maybe a little more every now and then, but a date? I so wasn't looking for that. Right now I have no idea where my life is going and i'm quite happy to just enjoy life a bit. I decided it was best I leave. Staying would just be awkward. I made it home at a relatively normal hour and noone knew a thing.

Maybe I should stop meeting people on facebook. Yeah i'm a big flirt and it's going to get me into trouble one day. So what if I meet someone on manhunt, and we start chatting, then move to facebook and chat some more, and make plans to hang out. What does that mean?

I guess i'll find out tomorrow :)
J

Being gay on home territory

It was a Sunday... I'd been home about 10 days or so, and I had yet to check out the gay scene in this place. I hate the fact that I can't get everywhere by public transport and it doesn't run in the early hours of the morning, which is when I would be heading home after a great night out. But I digress.

I'd done some research on local gay hangouts. Some searching online, the bars, the clubs. I took a car, (yeah I actually drove) and headed to C Road. Now one thing I don't do any more is go out alone, for 2 reasons. 1) it looks like i'm just out to get laid, and 2) it makes me look pretty desperate. However, desperate times call for desperate measures. I wanted to meet people and make friends and this was the way to do it. If I wanted sex, well thats what Manhunt and gaydar (and facebook lol) are for. I was more in the mood for a few drinks than anything else, so I figured pub/bar more than club.


X looked pretty quiet so I thought i'd check out D and S. Scouting them out while driving by isn't the easiest, but I decided DTs was the place to go tonight. Driving down V I heard a noise that did not sound too good. At a red light I opened my door, hoping against hope that it wasn't what I thought it was. Yep it was, a flat tire. I pulled into a local gas station and set about changing it. And I actually did a decent job. Maybe i'm not as gay as I thought I was, lol. But once that was all done I was dirty (no not in that way! lol) and just not in the mood anymore.

That was false start #1. I'd try again the next night. I'd gone so long without going to a gay bar or club I was begining to lose it. Only the next night turned into false start #2 because I had no access to a car.

Tuesday night was try #3. This was either going to work or i was giving up. S was closed. I know it might be a slow night, but closed?! Then I remember that i'm not in New York anymore. Off to D. I looked in and there looked like there were 2 people there. Plus bartenders of course. I started walking away and noticed a guy heading towards me. As I walked away I saw he had turned around was heading toward me. Oh crap. It was dark, no-one was around. I quickly crossed the road and put my cellphone to my ear like I was talking to someone. I could last so long on the streets of New York, there's no way I'm coming home and getting mugged or anything.

But he called out to me, if you're looking for a party there's one up the road, and gave me the address. I had no idea who this guy was or what kind of party there was up the road. I told him i might pop by later and headed to my car. I went to X instead. And what a pretty place that was. A few older gays, some younger guys in the other room causing trouble. Did anyone say bar brawl? lol. I had a beer and left. This couldn't be happening, could it?

I decided I really needed to enjoy this night, one way or another. I went back to the 'party up the block' but couldn't hear any noise. Didn't sound like a party was going on there. What the hell was I doing there. Was I about to ring some stranger's doorbell at 11 o'clock at night? I tried looking over the fence, couldn't see anything into the house. I tried heading around the back to see what I could hear. There were definitely people there, gay people, drinking, talking, music in the background. Yep I was about to crash this party. I went around the front and rang the bell. Nothing. I pressed it again. Nothing. Was it even working? Could they not hear it?

I went around to the back again, and actually climbed the fence. "Could someone open the front gate?" Is that a neighbour? "No i'm not a neighbour, you're not making too much noise, can someone let me in?" That did it. I climbed down and went around to the front. The guy who opened the door had no idea who I was, but he led me in and says "well he's cute". Couldn't have asked for a better introduction. It was great getting to know some new people, and had a really fun time, staying till the early hours of the morning. This place doesn't have to be so bad after all :)

Of course the following Sunday I first met some straight friends for a drink, but I was bored so went back to check out the gays. Flashing lights, warning sounds. Fuck, foiled by my car again!

Coming out. Part 19563

I said I was going to do it, so I did it. I finally came out to my sister before I left New York. Yes I was freaking out, I don't think i've ever been so nervous. I prefaced what I told her with some things about girls i've dated so she knew whatever I was trying to tell her was related to that. When she saw how hard it was for me to get it out, she started guessing. Was I dating the african american girl who i was friends with and had pictures of her in my facebook album? No. Did I want to date girls from outside our community? No. Eventually I explained that the problem why the girls I was dating weren't working out, wasn't just because I was being set up with real losers. At which point she thought she knew what I was talking about, but I had yet to say the words. She said she thought she might know what I was trying to say but it couldn't could be. She said she'd guess, but if she was wrong, i had to promise to forget she ever guessed what she had in mind. I put us both of our misery and said it. Yeah. I'm gay.


She was pretty much in shock. What do you mean? You just haven't found the right girl yet. How could you know if you've never done anything with a girl before? I put us both at a disadvantage because as much as I tried to explain it to her, that it's not just something in my mind, but a physical thing, I didn't want to be going into graphic detail with the information. I didn't need to start telling her the things i'd done with guys, nor did I need to tell her just yet i'd even dated guys.

"So you're saying you want to sleep with men?" I don't even know how I answered that question. Yes, maybe, i dunno. How the hell am I supposed to tell my sister yes I want to sleep with men and have already been doing it?!

A positive thing I did get from her though was she asked what my future plans were. I didn't know. Did I plan on telling my parents? My siblings? At some point yeah, I guess. But I really had no idea where life was going to take me. She told me straight out, don't think you can just run away and forget about us. We are your family and we want you as part of our lives. No matter what you are.

If only I knew that's the reaction i'd get from everyone.
J

Gaydezvous gone horribly wrong

This post is a bit of a rant, a bit of an explanation, a bit of a hodge podge of what happened, part is from an email I sent him, part is just my feelings about it all.

I'm sorry if parts of this will sound harsh, but it is what it is and I hope you understand why i'm so upset. Meeting you was something i'd been looking forward to for months. We'd been chatting online for ages and spoken on the phone at length numerous times. I had no idea when I'd be able to meet you until you gave me the news, you were planning a trip to New York. It was to be my last weekend in NY. And then the week before I got sick and everything began to fall apart. I cancelled my saturday night plans, and kept my sunday free because that's when we were supposed to be hanging out (yes I actually did have to say no to people who wanted to hang out before I left). I'd planned on coming out to family member before i left (which i did btw), so really hanging out with you was pretty much the last thing I had to look forward to before I left.

Sunday afternoon became Sunday evening and the you called me to let me know you were going out with friends for dinner. I called you at 10, to see what you were up to and to let you know I was home and ready whenever. But you didn't answer. Well you'd see the missed call eventually, right?

I stayed home, sitting in front of the tv, bored, waiting for your phone call. And wait I did. By 12 I thought what the fuck is up with this guy? Maybe dinner became drinks. Maybe I just wasn't worth it. You knew how excited I was to see you, why would you brush me off like that? I called you again. Again it rang out.


By 1am I thought fuck it, and fuck him. I could've actually gone out with friends tonight and enjoyed myself. Tomorrow would be the day I finish packing, and the day after I'd be off to the airport. I went to sleep and I was very pissed off. I woke up, expecting to find a text or a missed call, or even an email. Something that might explain what the fuck happened, but there was none. A friend called, wanting to hang out. Yeah I'd seen him the week before but I was glad to have some company, we met in soho, and had coffee and just walked around a bit. Being out with him didn't take my mind off you. I ended up letting it all out on him how pissed off I was at you. At first I was telling him how I didn't give a shit if you called or not, but eventually that changed to I hope you call, just so I can reject the call and have it go to voicemail. That prompted him to declare that I had become a gay bitch. Maybe I had :)

I checked my email at the Apple store and surprise surprise, there was a message from you. You had lost your cellphone and your blackberry and the internet where you were staying stopped working and had no way of contacting me. You said they had been turned in and you were on your way to get them and would call me in an hour. That message arrived a good few hours prior, but you hadn't called.

I guess what happened was better than finding out that you were having too good a time with your other friends and you got back too late and just couldn't be fucked so you smoked a joint and went to bed, but it still hurt. And I was still angry. Shit happens I know, but I wish I hadn't gotten so excited about meeting you. Thinking I was going to and having it not happen was way worse than had I initially thought I wouldn't see you for a few more months.

I needed to speak to you about something and you still hadn't called so I tried calling you. And what do you know, you actually answered. I pretty much cut to the chase, asking what I wanted, and when you tried to explain to me everything that happened I cut you off, telling you I wasn't interested right then and hung up on you. Yeah I think I am a bit of a bitch, lol.

I called you a few hours later, but you were busy with work and promised to call me later. You did, after midnight, and I was already in bed. You explained everything that had happened, apologized and asked what I had planned for the next day. Well the next day I was off to the airport.

Maybe we had diferent ideas of what was actually going to happen, or what we wanted to happen, but NY is gone. A missed opportunity. I know I spoke to you from the airport and you said you'd make the trip to see me, but that doesn't come close to what could've happened in NY. In new york i had as much freedom as i wanted, and here i'm still learning how far i can push the boundaries. Me travelling to see you would be another option, and maybe had we met in new york i'd be making plans to visit soon. But we didn't, so who knows what's gonna happen in the future :(

Yeah i know it's crazy and I sound like a drama queen. I want to be mad at you, but I can't. I like you too much for that. Wow it was good to get that off my chest!
J

Weekend finale

My last weekend in New York was a bit of a disaster. I went away with some family to visit some family, I wasn't feeling the best but I didn't have much choice and this was sort of a goodbye weekend too. Over shabbat I got worse, and I even wondered if i'd be able to travel home that week or whether i'd have to extend my ticket. I saw the doc who told me I could travel, just get some sinus medication, so thats what I did.

I had plans for that Saturday night that I cancelled. I had plans for Sunday that sort of cancelled on me (more on that in the next post). Monday was my last day and I was going to fit in as much as I could. Packing, packing, packing. I took a break to meet a friend for coffee in Soho, and I was still pissed off about what happened the previous day and I let it all out. His response was that i'd turned into a gay bitch, lmao. Maybe I had, but i was livid about how things had turned out.


Anyway we had coffee and lunch and just hung out till I had to go home. I had dinner plans that night and just couldn't find the time to hang out with Reb and Elana (one is my wife, one is my ex, not sure which is which tho) so that will have to wait till I come back to the good old US of A.

J