Nothing much to report except......

I have been a bit quiet... due to the jewish holiday, but also i was in hospital today. Just had a small procedure done, and was discharged later in the day. I won't know the results for a week or two, but hopefully all will be well.

Thats really all i'm going to say. And great to see the number of readers on the rise, even if its only increasing slowly.

take care and good night,
Jay

Shavuos and other things

Shavuos is coming nearer and nearer, that's why we count the sefirah.... some of you are thinking what the hell am i on about. Well the festival of shavuos/shavuot/pentecost is coming up, so i probably won't be posting for a few days. Google it if you want to know more about it (HGF thats for you!).

In other news, i'm kind of halfway there to having a #4, seeing that #3 (NYH) was such a disaster maybe it will make up for it. Or maybe not, maybe it will make me less likely to come out to people in the future. #4, like #3 is a guy i've been in contact with, who i have also told i'm not really JM. I don't know how he'll handle it, but i'm prepared for the worst, and hoping for the best. After him there isn't anyone else.

To all my jewish readers chag sameach,
j

NYH Poll

So readers, what would you do? Should i tell NYH that i've blogged about him? Maybe he'll come to the party or leave him be? Would you rather know if you were in his position?

You can post anonymously so there's no reason not to :)

thanks
j

NYH part 2

It all started when i added NYH's details to my gmail account. I didnt' know what would become of it, but i sent him a chat invite too. I was online and about to log off, when he messages me. Just regular chit chat, but who wanted to know who this other guy was that had been poking and messaging him. I was going to tell him, until he said something like 'i don't know him, i havent met him, nor do i want to'. I felt like i'd been hit by a ton of bricks. 'He keeps pestering me.... and i was non responsive'. I didn't know what to say. I had HGF in another window telling me to just tell him. But i couldn't, not after all that. He didn't want to know me. I guess its understandable, i was just some random guy, but after the run i had i thought i would be different.

But in the end i just came out with it.

me: lol,
maybe he's nervous
ok
do u rememeber our previous conversations?
nyh: yeah. i think so
me: remember how i wouldn't meet u at the _____?
nyh: yeah
me: and i think i told u i had a secret?
nyh: right.
me: ummm I told u i wasnt jay
nyh: yeah yeah
me: but i didn't tell u who i was
nyh: nope
me: well i just did
nyh: ha! busted!

Well i didn't end feeling like i was falling off a cliff. He didn't sound mad, or upset. He asked me a few questions, and we ended it there. I sent him a couple emails since then and havent heard back. All i was looking for was a friend, but I guess that's enough of a sign.

jay

And NYH makes 3!

I did it, i actually did it! I told NYH who i really was. It was the craziest thing i've done in a while. I've got to rush off, so i'll tell you all about it later, but i just needed to tell the world!

jay

Developments... and why i love my blog

Let's see what's news on the home front. I have revealed more info to NYH, but haven't heard from him in over 2 days. I was preparing myself for something good, a great friendship, but it looks like i've been stood up, well he doesn't look like he wants to know me. I guess things were going well everywhere that i just figured it would continue like that. I don't know whether to message him again, or just leave him be.

I was chatting with someone online the other day, and he asked if i lived anywhere near a particular city. I thought he was trying to find out more about me, so i asked him why he asked. He said he'd been in touch with a therapist that lives there and if i wanted he could set up an appointment with her. She is pro gay and religious. WTF?! Maybe i'm taking this the wrong way, but i thought that was so patronizing and really got defensive. I'm sure he meant well and thought i might want to chat to someone, but gimme a break! Does anyone else go up to gay people and offer them therapists? Anyone need a proctologist? I'm sure i could recommend someone.

Right now there are issues going on in my life and at home, besides being gay. I kind of depend on you, my readers. So my blog is my main outlet, and thats why i love it!

Smiles all round!!! :)

Well for once i can say i'm happy where the 'gay' part of my life is going. I posted some of my story in a gay jewish forum, and had a number of people contacting me saying either they were in a similar situation, or just wanted to chat. Slowly but surely more people will find out about my sexuality and i think i'm ok with that. At least getting to chat to people without revealing who i am is a big first step, and who knows where it could lead. But i think it may also lead to complacency. I think everything is going great, and start letting people know who i am. The more people that know, the less in control i am of how the information spreads. Of course everyone i tell has probably been in a similar situation to me at some point. In addition, we don't seem to have any connection in our real lives. I would hope that they would keep my secret, but what if they slip up, accidentally? What then? Am i ready to deal with the consequences? I don't think i'm quite ready for that yet, but being in contact with more people will bring me that one step closer. I know someone who had a similar thing happen to him. He was out to a selection of people. Someone asked if they could tell one friend of his about him being gay. He said fine, only the info didn't stop there, and he had no control over who was going to find out, that is something that scares me, and i going to be at the forefront of my mind whever i think about telling someone.

One person I know i want to tell lives in NY. He's just a random hot guy that i'd been chatting with on facebook. He wouldn't confirm me as a friend because we'd never met. So he wanted to meet up, of course i said no. Usual story, eventually i told him i wouldn't meet him because i had some secrets, something i couldn't share with him. He seemed ok with it, and told me whenever i felt alright sharing it with him, to let him know. He'd keep my secret identity. So this week i decided to poke him. He was going to be #3. Only i haven't heard back from him yet. I've played the whole thing out in my mind how this is going to go, but so far, nothing. Not a peep, not a poke, not a 'do i know you?'. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I will call this guy NYH (as in New York hottie!). I know i'm so boring coming up with these things but i'm not going to mention his name, nor put up a pic of him, even though i'd like to.

Ok, what else has been going on... the chats i have with my news friends see to be of a similar format. There's the whole religious aspect, that just because i'm gay, it doesn't meen i have to give up on being religious. Just because i do one sin, i can try to keep all the other commandments, that kind of stuff, but they also ask me questions about sex. Such as would i like to be a top or bottom. Which is quite a funny question coming from a religious person, where the previous paragraph was talking about religion or god or something like that. One thing that ties them all together is that everyone appears to want to wait till that special someone comes along. Not 'losing my virginity' because the opportunity arose.

It actually made me think alot. I had decided i wanted to hold out for HGF. He was someone i cared about, someone i loved, and someone who loved and cared about me. He knew I wanted him to be my first (don't even ask about his whole situation, being in a relationship and all that and how it will work), I told him I wanted it. It was via email and i gave him an easy way out, but he was interested too :) . My only question now is am i holding myself back waiting for him? Obviously there would be logistical issues being that we're in 2 different countries, but would i be doing myself a disservice by waiting for the opportunity to experience it with him? I hope not, but there's only one way to find out! I know this is what i want and i'm willing to take that chance, even if it means giving up other opportunities along the way.

Of course that brings me to another question. What after then? HGF will always be there, but as much as we love each other we won't have the kind of relationship i'm looking for. So what next? Do i hook up with some friends i've made? Or will that friendship just end badly? If i'm not looking for a relationship just yet, then what am i looking for? Just a fun time? A one-off hookup with a hot boy i danced with at a club (pure speculation, honest! lol), oh life can be so difficult!

And I think this post is long enough so that's a good enough wrap up,
ciao
J